It's gonna be Christmas in 2 days. I feel all Christmassy, kinda sad, kinda happy. Mostly sleepy. I'm taking a week off from work. I plan to catch up on some sleep. I really need it, I feel all worked out, I know it's partly because I hang out till early hours of the morning after work and then have horribly long days and evenings just stuck at work. I never have enough time!
I just started another Archer book, I can't wait to get home and continue, I think that's what's going to happen, I'm just going to tire myself out reading at home.
Twistedbrick is visiting and we're just roaming the city, eating...eating ALOT. You know all the good stuff, chow tou foo, the roti's and naan's and tosais, currys and chinese. Just now we waiting like an hour to get a good waffle. The lady just kept on burnin em. It was hilarious. You make like thousands a day, every day, you'd think a normal person could at least not burn that many, I mean there were probably already a hundred semi-black waffle-lookin things all stacked up in the trash can right next to the waffle maker. Perhaps she's doin it on purpose coz she's poor. She'll probably take the whole trash bag home with her feed her twelve kids and a three legged dog she picked up from the side of the road.
It's like 3am I gotta go.
echez
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Empire Of Hope
*sigh* It's over. Reality has bitten the cold hot weather into me, and I have popped depressingly back into the real world again.
Where work & money, sex & corruption, disappointment & failure flood our lives with unforgiving waves of salty seawater.
Continuing to wait for something great to come my way and leave again. That is the way life is, to feel great, and have great times, and to watch it leave, reaching, yet grasping nothingness.
Things are too quiet, I'm enclosing myself, alone at work, working, thinking, hoping. Crying inside because I want to run wild. Yet I'm stuck in the present.
Christmas, decorated with the essence of work. They couldn't just tell me to my face. They used emotional blackmail. I am to take over because he was too uptight to take his turn. You snooze, you lose brother. Be brave, take what is yours, you're not perfect, quit trying to be. You're killing yourself.
Take it easy, work is always going to be there for you. Don't hurt me because you can't deligate. Take on the world, slave and stick a superman sign on your chest. Are you happy now?
I'm not superwoman so don't pat that sticker on me!
Being responsible does NOT mean absorbing responsibility. Taking on all tasks is just gonna kill ya. You can't do it alone, so stop trying to, you're suffocating yourself, and you're suffocating me, because when you leave, you have not left a system, you have not left a masterpiece, you have left a mess.
Life is about building a machine, put effort to create an empire. An empire that makes money for you. Not because of you.
If you want to do work, if you want to do lots of it, then let it go, leave the rest to me. I will create for you, an empire for you to point your finger. You can slog all your life, you can learn a billion things, and be a genuis, but when you go, it will all be lost. You have not created a future, a team, a successor, you have not built a ladder to the heavens, you're running the earth, running round and round. What happens when you stop?
Where work & money, sex & corruption, disappointment & failure flood our lives with unforgiving waves of salty seawater.
Continuing to wait for something great to come my way and leave again. That is the way life is, to feel great, and have great times, and to watch it leave, reaching, yet grasping nothingness.
Things are too quiet, I'm enclosing myself, alone at work, working, thinking, hoping. Crying inside because I want to run wild. Yet I'm stuck in the present.
Christmas, decorated with the essence of work. They couldn't just tell me to my face. They used emotional blackmail. I am to take over because he was too uptight to take his turn. You snooze, you lose brother. Be brave, take what is yours, you're not perfect, quit trying to be. You're killing yourself.
Take it easy, work is always going to be there for you. Don't hurt me because you can't deligate. Take on the world, slave and stick a superman sign on your chest. Are you happy now?
I'm not superwoman so don't pat that sticker on me!
Being responsible does NOT mean absorbing responsibility. Taking on all tasks is just gonna kill ya. You can't do it alone, so stop trying to, you're suffocating yourself, and you're suffocating me, because when you leave, you have not left a system, you have not left a masterpiece, you have left a mess.
Life is about building a machine, put effort to create an empire. An empire that makes money for you. Not because of you.
If you want to do work, if you want to do lots of it, then let it go, leave the rest to me. I will create for you, an empire for you to point your finger. You can slog all your life, you can learn a billion things, and be a genuis, but when you go, it will all be lost. You have not created a future, a team, a successor, you have not built a ladder to the heavens, you're running the earth, running round and round. What happens when you stop?
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Guys - Not ALL @$$H*Le$?
Last week, I spent alot of time just chillin with a platonic husband of mine. This seems to happen alot nowadays, platonic husbands, not to me, but people I know.
Well, he didn't do the bended knee thing, nor buy me a ring, in fact the words barely came out of his mouth, and well, I said no. No as in dont ask me, not no I wouldn't marry him, though had he asked me I would have said no. So okay, he's not really my husband to begin with, but he did call me Mrs.H once. That was scarey...not a funny joke at all.heh.Okay okay, we're platonic friends...=P
We had a good time, just hanging out, talking mostly, getting to know each other, you know all the good stuff. I loved it, I loved every moment. It was great.
No pressure, no stress. No issues regarding sex, no issues regarding anything in fact, just plain old fashion good times.
I think I experienced something this weekend, that is extinct in this world of ours. I didn't feel the least bit of akwardness while we hung out, I didn't feel any obligation to be or act a certain way.
All I had to do was be myself and have a good time. I value to the core of the earth, my weekend, and a friendship that I never want to let go of. Not for anything.
There just might be a few nice guys out there.Maybe.
Well, he didn't do the bended knee thing, nor buy me a ring, in fact the words barely came out of his mouth, and well, I said no. No as in dont ask me, not no I wouldn't marry him, though had he asked me I would have said no. So okay, he's not really my husband to begin with, but he did call me Mrs.H once. That was scarey...not a funny joke at all.heh.Okay okay, we're platonic friends...=P
We had a good time, just hanging out, talking mostly, getting to know each other, you know all the good stuff. I loved it, I loved every moment. It was great.
No pressure, no stress. No issues regarding sex, no issues regarding anything in fact, just plain old fashion good times.
I think I experienced something this weekend, that is extinct in this world of ours. I didn't feel the least bit of akwardness while we hung out, I didn't feel any obligation to be or act a certain way.
All I had to do was be myself and have a good time. I value to the core of the earth, my weekend, and a friendship that I never want to let go of. Not for anything.
There just might be a few nice guys out there.Maybe.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
@$$hole Monkeys
Integrated discussions about how we, humans, came about, linger through our everyday thoughts, people talk about adam and his apple eaing naked wife, having shitloads of sex and bearing millions of offspring. Polygamy and incest made us who we are. Of course scientist think humans came from monkeys.
Gy and I went siteseeing at a famous cave on the outskirt of town. He said that a friend and collegue of his, Bd, went there on his trip over. He had a hilarious encounter with a monkey who was interested in the bag of peanuts Bd was carrying, while going up the steps to the cave.
The monkey leaped onto his chest, put a hairy arm around his neck and tried to snatched the bag of peanuts away from Bd. Bd, chucked the bag of peanuts flying, and took off at probably forty miles an hour.
What da heck was he doing with a bag of peanuts in the first place!?
As we watched the monkeys swinging around climbing and sliding down poles, Gy, took caution. He didn't want to be the next huge laugh of the year back home. I assured him that monkeys were nice, they're cute, if you offer them food, they'll sit obediently stare at you with thier almost humanly looks, calmly reach out and politely take it from the plam of your hand. They're nice, Bd probably just met an asshole one.
Gy ponders, and replies, you're right, he probably just met an asshole one! A rude asshole monkey!
Humans evolved from monkeys, and if there are so many human assholes, they must have come from somewhere, asshole monkeys. Ahhh, so that explains it.
Next time you meet an asshole person, it's alright, he probably came from a frigin asshole monkey! heh.
Gy and I went siteseeing at a famous cave on the outskirt of town. He said that a friend and collegue of his, Bd, went there on his trip over. He had a hilarious encounter with a monkey who was interested in the bag of peanuts Bd was carrying, while going up the steps to the cave.
The monkey leaped onto his chest, put a hairy arm around his neck and tried to snatched the bag of peanuts away from Bd. Bd, chucked the bag of peanuts flying, and took off at probably forty miles an hour.
What da heck was he doing with a bag of peanuts in the first place!?
As we watched the monkeys swinging around climbing and sliding down poles, Gy, took caution. He didn't want to be the next huge laugh of the year back home. I assured him that monkeys were nice, they're cute, if you offer them food, they'll sit obediently stare at you with thier almost humanly looks, calmly reach out and politely take it from the plam of your hand. They're nice, Bd probably just met an asshole one.
Gy ponders, and replies, you're right, he probably just met an asshole one! A rude asshole monkey!
Humans evolved from monkeys, and if there are so many human assholes, they must have come from somewhere, asshole monkeys. Ahhh, so that explains it.
Next time you meet an asshole person, it's alright, he probably came from a frigin asshole monkey! heh.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Dear echez,
i really dont knw how this sounds to u, and i'll
understand and accept wateva ur decision is. Like
is said earlier when i called i really would like us to
be friends again, i'm not asking 4 anything beyond
that just FRIENDS no strings...after all this while
i've done a lotta thinking about the way things
ended btw us i'm not proud of the things i said and
did i wish i could undo them i swear, but i just cant
and i want u 2 knw honestly and sincerely frm the
bottom of my heart i didnt mean a word of all d
things i said it was all just a bad reaction to d way
i was feeling at that time. i hope 2 God dat u can
look past all those things, i would really be
honoured 2 be ur friend again i miss ur company
immensely, wierd as it may sound there r very very
few arround here dat i effectively get across 2 u r
one of those very few and i dont want 2 loose ur
friendship.
Hm
Echez
You know, people only probably have one chance to show their sincerity, and that chance is the first chance. Let me try to recall what comes into mind when reminded of you.
Let's see, hmm....throwing oneself upon others, probably not a good screw anyway, realising what an idoit one really is, disrespectful to one's own parents, shall I continue?
What did I ever do to you? Trust you? All you ever needed to do was give me assurance and be there. And all the times I told myself that I could trust you, I found out, in a single evening, that it was all FAKE, that there are so many words you actually describe me as. That the nice things you said to me, were indeed nice. Only nice. Not only did you reveal your true self, but you lowered yourself to the lowest level, the scum of the earth.
You became someone that you swore yourself away from. I saw you and I wanted to apologise, apologise for expecting decency from a child. Are you worthy of my friendship?
I find no reason to entertain you further. You lack the traits of a sound human being, much less of a friend. What can I offer you if there's no longer trust for you? How can I ever pretend that you didn't say or mean the things that you did? How can I ever forgive you?
I can't and I won't. If you didn't want to lose something precious, you should have kept it close to you, protect it, and embrace it. Not shun it, wrecklessly abuse it.
It's hard to imagine any further acquaintence, like I said before, what are friends if there is no trust. Perhaps one day you'll understand that mistakes made are mistakes that you will have to live with for the rest of your life.
It's been a pleasure.
understand and accept wateva ur decision is. Like
is said earlier when i called i really would like us to
be friends again, i'm not asking 4 anything beyond
that just FRIENDS no strings...after all this while
i've done a lotta thinking about the way things
ended btw us i'm not proud of the things i said and
did i wish i could undo them i swear, but i just cant
and i want u 2 knw honestly and sincerely frm the
bottom of my heart i didnt mean a word of all d
things i said it was all just a bad reaction to d way
i was feeling at that time. i hope 2 God dat u can
look past all those things, i would really be
honoured 2 be ur friend again i miss ur company
immensely, wierd as it may sound there r very very
few arround here dat i effectively get across 2 u r
one of those very few and i dont want 2 loose ur
friendship.
Hm
Echez
You know, people only probably have one chance to show their sincerity, and that chance is the first chance. Let me try to recall what comes into mind when reminded of you.
Let's see, hmm....throwing oneself upon others, probably not a good screw anyway, realising what an idoit one really is, disrespectful to one's own parents, shall I continue?
What did I ever do to you? Trust you? All you ever needed to do was give me assurance and be there. And all the times I told myself that I could trust you, I found out, in a single evening, that it was all FAKE, that there are so many words you actually describe me as. That the nice things you said to me, were indeed nice. Only nice. Not only did you reveal your true self, but you lowered yourself to the lowest level, the scum of the earth.
You became someone that you swore yourself away from. I saw you and I wanted to apologise, apologise for expecting decency from a child. Are you worthy of my friendship?
I find no reason to entertain you further. You lack the traits of a sound human being, much less of a friend. What can I offer you if there's no longer trust for you? How can I ever pretend that you didn't say or mean the things that you did? How can I ever forgive you?
I can't and I won't. If you didn't want to lose something precious, you should have kept it close to you, protect it, and embrace it. Not shun it, wrecklessly abuse it.
It's hard to imagine any further acquaintence, like I said before, what are friends if there is no trust. Perhaps one day you'll understand that mistakes made are mistakes that you will have to live with for the rest of your life.
It's been a pleasure.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Which Are You?
I'm at work, it's a Saturday, I'm bored, I think I am going out of my mind! I did the Harry Potter one...Hahahaa, I think I'm sick.
You are Woodstock!
Which Peanuts Character are You?
5008 other people got this result!
This quiz has been taken 46449 times.
11% of people had this result.
I think these quizzes are cute.
Which Muppet are you?
You are Rizzo the Rat.
You have few friends, but are loyal to those you do
have. Maybe if you didn't smell like sewage
you would have more.
SPECIES:
Rodentia Digesta Lotta Grub
HOMETOWN:
Brooklyn, USA
FAVORITE MOVIE:
"Rat On A Hot Tin Roof"
FAVORITE SONG:
"The Pest Is Yet To Come"
FAVORITE FOOD:
You got it, I'll eat it.
HOBBIES:
See "Favorite Food".
QUOTE:
"When do we eat?"
What Muppet are you?
Harry Potter
You crave your own knight in shining armour: the
guy who will swoop in and save you, and manage
to be a sweet lover and good dad all at the
same time. You are the girl he's fighting for!
14719 other people got this result!
This quiz has been taken 112007 times.
13% of people had this result.
Who is your Harry Potter love match? (for girls)
You are Woodstock!
Which Peanuts Character are You?
5008 other people got this result!
This quiz has been taken 46449 times.
11% of people had this result.
I think these quizzes are cute.
Which Muppet are you?
You are Rizzo the Rat.
You have few friends, but are loyal to those you do
have. Maybe if you didn't smell like sewage
you would have more.
SPECIES:
Rodentia Digesta Lotta Grub
HOMETOWN:
Brooklyn, USA
FAVORITE MOVIE:
"Rat On A Hot Tin Roof"
FAVORITE SONG:
"The Pest Is Yet To Come"
FAVORITE FOOD:
You got it, I'll eat it.
HOBBIES:
See "Favorite Food".
QUOTE:
"When do we eat?"
What Muppet are you?
Harry Potter
You crave your own knight in shining armour: the
guy who will swoop in and save you, and manage
to be a sweet lover and good dad all at the
same time. You are the girl he's fighting for!
14719 other people got this result!
This quiz has been taken 112007 times.
13% of people had this result.
Who is your Harry Potter love match? (for girls)
Thursday, December 01, 2005
eXcitemEnt
Ez Ez
I always though that as long as I wait it will come
I still believe that
But then now I am feeling a bit low
I afraid that I might not be able to bear it
People always see each other better than themselves
Is it?
Or it is just illusion
Again
I am bored of people telling me they are busy too
But I don't think I can do anything about it
I can't say no don't go
Or I am not suppose to
At least not yEt
I too hate waiting
i used to be waiting
always waiting
thats does me nothing positive
it is just killing me softly ( a song)
But is patient a sign of maturity?
Do u think I am a baby if I nag you not to go?
I don't know
I am running out of patient too
Patient that I used to have
But I think I am running out of it
Excitement Is what I need
Is what I am searching for
If you can't give me that
Sorry
I have to move on
the way that you led me to choose.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Brilliant Minds, Painful Hearts
I once knew this guy and we were cool. We got along and all of that good stuff. We spent massive amounts of time together and it all seemed great, even with it's skepticism and all.
It use to be great, we hung out alot, had dinner we were just together and it was like time had stopped, well great in the world of romance and all of that good stuff.
So suddenly he becomes really busy, and really set on doing his work. That's great in a way that he's so disciplined and committed to his work.
It's understandable, people get busy. And then he says to me, you know I'm enjoying being so busy. I'm like well that's good.
So I, being my skeptical self, asked him, you enjoy not seeing me? And guess what he says, he says "yes!" YES as in HE ENJOYS NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE ME!
That sounds horrible doesn't it?
When I feel like being optimistic, I'll think that he meant that he enjoys the current situation with respect to his work, business, and not having time to go out and relax is okay with him, in fact instead of dreading, complaining, and being repelled by work, he embraces it and enjoys it.
But of course when I'm feeling lonely and down, I'll think of it like it sounds - horribly.
He enjoys not being with me. Meaning he is glad that he cannot be with me, why would you be glad about something not happening unless you weren't glad when it was happening. In other words, he does NOT enjoy being with me thus enjoys not being with me.
RIGHT?Damnit.
He also said, "You know what, I'm gonna be busy whether you accept it or not. I have to concentrate on my work, and I'm not going to have time for you. I can't see you and I can't spend time with you. Money, Power and Fame are number one priority to me. Only that will truly make me happy. You cannot make me happy unless I have that."
"you cannot make me happy". I cannot make him happy.
Should I just leave you alone now?...
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Kiss D Girl
I had a kamakazi, no, I had 4 kamakazis. I also had a beer, okay so I had like 8 beers.
I was floatin. I kissed a girl. OMG, I kissed a friggin girl!
We were dancin dirty together, all the guys were lookin, dancin. We were both pretty out of it. I've never met this girl before, and I dont intend on meeting her again, sober.
She was hot though, she looked indian, tall, pretty. She had the tongue thing and the eyebrow thing, she was cool. I never thought that it would go that far.
I dont think it was intentional. I dont think I wanted it to happen. But then again, I was seein things in threes, I didn't really know what I wanted.
We were at a bar that a friend of mine owns, and it was sort of like a private party. The place is pretty nice, there weren't lots of people, I had a great time. Great time.
So this hot guy sees us dancin, and he takes the gal's arm and leads her towards towards a quieter area of the club, and miss gal, drags me along.
We're out of sight of the other friends and acquaintences. We all chat a little and danced together, the three of us.
Apparently, she knows the guy, so after bit, they start kissing, she teases him and we dance together some more, it was some awesome dancing, I'd dance with the guy, and she'd dance with the guy, and then she'd dance with me. Mostly me and her danced. It probably made the guy crazy.
So then she starts kissing him, and I was just dancing a little to the side, and she pushes him away from her, takes a step my way, and well she kissed me. It was very very french! very very.
I can't say whether it was nice or not nice, or disgusting or anything at all. It wasn't a very long kiss, but there was definitely tongue.
But when I look back and think back about it. I dont feel the sense of disgust that I thought I would. I dont shudder at the thought of having kissed a girl.
I can vividly recall having a strong repelling attitude against having contact with girls. I mean even the touchy, huggy thing, has never been me. But as I write this having experienced what I experienced last night, or early this morning, I dont feel that anymore.
I dont think it's a wonderful thing for a girl to kiss a girl. But I think it's alright.
I know for sure though, that I'm not cut out to be a lesbian, a threesome would be interesting, which was also something that made me shudder before.
I think I might like to try it someday.
I was floatin. I kissed a girl. OMG, I kissed a friggin girl!
We were dancin dirty together, all the guys were lookin, dancin. We were both pretty out of it. I've never met this girl before, and I dont intend on meeting her again, sober.
She was hot though, she looked indian, tall, pretty. She had the tongue thing and the eyebrow thing, she was cool. I never thought that it would go that far.
I dont think it was intentional. I dont think I wanted it to happen. But then again, I was seein things in threes, I didn't really know what I wanted.
We were at a bar that a friend of mine owns, and it was sort of like a private party. The place is pretty nice, there weren't lots of people, I had a great time. Great time.
So this hot guy sees us dancin, and he takes the gal's arm and leads her towards towards a quieter area of the club, and miss gal, drags me along.
We're out of sight of the other friends and acquaintences. We all chat a little and danced together, the three of us.
Apparently, she knows the guy, so after bit, they start kissing, she teases him and we dance together some more, it was some awesome dancing, I'd dance with the guy, and she'd dance with the guy, and then she'd dance with me. Mostly me and her danced. It probably made the guy crazy.
So then she starts kissing him, and I was just dancing a little to the side, and she pushes him away from her, takes a step my way, and well she kissed me. It was very very french! very very.
I can't say whether it was nice or not nice, or disgusting or anything at all. It wasn't a very long kiss, but there was definitely tongue.
But when I look back and think back about it. I dont feel the sense of disgust that I thought I would. I dont shudder at the thought of having kissed a girl.
I can vividly recall having a strong repelling attitude against having contact with girls. I mean even the touchy, huggy thing, has never been me. But as I write this having experienced what I experienced last night, or early this morning, I dont feel that anymore.
I dont think it's a wonderful thing for a girl to kiss a girl. But I think it's alright.
I know for sure though, that I'm not cut out to be a lesbian, a threesome would be interesting, which was also something that made me shudder before.
I think I might like to try it someday.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Enough is enough!
I've stayed home ENOUGH! I've stayed home since...forever. I can't even remember when. I mean I didn't like not go to work, or not drive anywhere, but I mean I haven't had any contact with the outside world for more than or equal to a single hour.
I think I am gonna go crazy! Let's see, since the party on Saturday, all I've been doing is lazing at home. Sunday, I stayed at home, and yesterday, Monday, after work, I stayed at home! Today, I'm going out!
You know if my work required me to be in contact with people other than the few I see EVERY DAY, or perhaps allowed me to go out and see the sun once and awhile, I wouldn't feel so dementedly restless!
It's great that I got to get some sleep, and catch up with some of my reading, but OMG, I really gotta get out! I mean I really need to talk to someone, I mean face-to-face interaction. I have been talking to people over the phone, and online, and stuff, but gosh, a "lol" just doesn't cut it.
I need to exercise my lungs, I need to friggin laugh, and I need to see and hear someone laugh with me. This is not going to work out, especially if I'm gonna trap myself in a silent world.
At work, we're all talked out. We dont really have anything to say to each other, it's not like we're anti-social, but the first few chats, we kinda said everything. No one really talks, they're too...hard-working. Everyone works at work! =O I mean smile a little you guys!!!
I work a NINE hour day. (what a coincidence, 9, heh) And for 9 hours, no one says anything to anyone except, "A, line one!", "who is it", "i dunno", "oh".
And the 5 minutes before lunch where everyone starts saying..."FOOoooD"...Okay so I'm the only one that says "FOOoooD". But for 5 Minutes, we're actually interacting! We're deciding where to eat lunch. It's not that great a conversation though, becuase with 5 dull, indecisive people, the answer is always "I dunno, where do you wanna go?". I hate that, because in the end I'll end up just blurting out the first palce that comes into my mind.
Perhaps we're all just trying to be polite. Or perhaps there just isn't any good food around, so we're always picking the best crappy food.
Anyways tonight, I'm going to have a heck of a good time, I'm going to make sure of that. There's nothing I want to think about, there's no one I want to miss. Tonight, and from now on, I'm just gonna live my life, to the friggin fullest.
"Love, heh, is STILL an Illusion" I might be letting myself walk into one, and when the bubble finally pops, I'm gonna be hurt like hell, but hey! Who cares.
I think I am gonna go crazy! Let's see, since the party on Saturday, all I've been doing is lazing at home. Sunday, I stayed at home, and yesterday, Monday, after work, I stayed at home! Today, I'm going out!
You know if my work required me to be in contact with people other than the few I see EVERY DAY, or perhaps allowed me to go out and see the sun once and awhile, I wouldn't feel so dementedly restless!
It's great that I got to get some sleep, and catch up with some of my reading, but OMG, I really gotta get out! I mean I really need to talk to someone, I mean face-to-face interaction. I have been talking to people over the phone, and online, and stuff, but gosh, a "lol" just doesn't cut it.
I need to exercise my lungs, I need to friggin laugh, and I need to see and hear someone laugh with me. This is not going to work out, especially if I'm gonna trap myself in a silent world.
At work, we're all talked out. We dont really have anything to say to each other, it's not like we're anti-social, but the first few chats, we kinda said everything. No one really talks, they're too...hard-working. Everyone works at work! =O I mean smile a little you guys!!!
I work a NINE hour day. (what a coincidence, 9, heh) And for 9 hours, no one says anything to anyone except, "A, line one!", "who is it", "i dunno", "oh".
And the 5 minutes before lunch where everyone starts saying..."FOOoooD"...Okay so I'm the only one that says "FOOoooD". But for 5 Minutes, we're actually interacting! We're deciding where to eat lunch. It's not that great a conversation though, becuase with 5 dull, indecisive people, the answer is always "I dunno, where do you wanna go?". I hate that, because in the end I'll end up just blurting out the first palce that comes into my mind.
Perhaps we're all just trying to be polite. Or perhaps there just isn't any good food around, so we're always picking the best crappy food.
Anyways tonight, I'm going to have a heck of a good time, I'm going to make sure of that. There's nothing I want to think about, there's no one I want to miss. Tonight, and from now on, I'm just gonna live my life, to the friggin fullest.
"Love, heh, is STILL an Illusion" I might be letting myself walk into one, and when the bubble finally pops, I'm gonna be hurt like hell, but hey! Who cares.
Monday, November 21, 2005
boyz and girlz
The first friend I ever recall having was in Papua New Guinea. And I wasn't the one who discovered him either. He was my brother's friend.
A little black boy, named Ky. We use to climb mango trees, get bitten by those huge red ants that infest every mango tree.
When we'd successfully picked a ripe fruit, we found that we were stuck. We weren't allowed to tell our parents that we picked mangoes, and we couldn't get anyone to cut them for us. I must have been 3 years old. They 6.
The sun scorched the stuffy humid jungle air, while we teethed our prized fruit.
We'd scrawl on dirt grounds with our marbles in hand, even then, the elders pointed to a little window urging me to go back inside and play with dolls and their little houses and Ky's little sister, who was so "uncool", she was a "baby", a little younger than myself Ky's sis was 2.5 to my 3, never-the-less, so uncool.
I like to think that those first few adventures in the jungles of PNG, are the ones that imprinted unto me, courage, and comfort of hanging with boys.
Proceding, my involvement in the sport, gambling, and illegal business at a young age might have added to that prospective.
Practically since the age of 3, I've had relationships of all kinds with boys of all kinds. It's no wonder I get along so well.
Watchin rugby with the boys, havin beers with the boys, laughin and jokin with the boys.
One things different though, I aint a boy. And this is where the difference begins. I'm a girl. A pretty girl, a smart girl, a guys girl.
I like to think that I got the best of both worlds. I can be pretty, and I can scrawl and play marbles.
In the light of it all, I can no longer stay a girl, I am a lady now. I must stand and sit like a lady, eat like a lady.
But never will you be able to change my thoughts, and my experiences. I'm proud of them, because I know, there's a boyish side of me, along with a girly side too.
Not all my encounters with boys are sexual, no, not at all, though I find that when boys finally turn into men.
Friendship no longer exists. It's business or sex. Sex and love, affairs and partners, for fun adn for real. Everything now, has an objective.
Let's move back into the jungle where there's friendship and trust.
ez
A little black boy, named Ky. We use to climb mango trees, get bitten by those huge red ants that infest every mango tree.
When we'd successfully picked a ripe fruit, we found that we were stuck. We weren't allowed to tell our parents that we picked mangoes, and we couldn't get anyone to cut them for us. I must have been 3 years old. They 6.
The sun scorched the stuffy humid jungle air, while we teethed our prized fruit.
We'd scrawl on dirt grounds with our marbles in hand, even then, the elders pointed to a little window urging me to go back inside and play with dolls and their little houses and Ky's little sister, who was so "uncool", she was a "baby", a little younger than myself Ky's sis was 2.5 to my 3, never-the-less, so uncool.
I like to think that those first few adventures in the jungles of PNG, are the ones that imprinted unto me, courage, and comfort of hanging with boys.
Proceding, my involvement in the sport, gambling, and illegal business at a young age might have added to that prospective.
Practically since the age of 3, I've had relationships of all kinds with boys of all kinds. It's no wonder I get along so well.
Watchin rugby with the boys, havin beers with the boys, laughin and jokin with the boys.
One things different though, I aint a boy. And this is where the difference begins. I'm a girl. A pretty girl, a smart girl, a guys girl.
I like to think that I got the best of both worlds. I can be pretty, and I can scrawl and play marbles.
In the light of it all, I can no longer stay a girl, I am a lady now. I must stand and sit like a lady, eat like a lady.
But never will you be able to change my thoughts, and my experiences. I'm proud of them, because I know, there's a boyish side of me, along with a girly side too.
Not all my encounters with boys are sexual, no, not at all, though I find that when boys finally turn into men.
Friendship no longer exists. It's business or sex. Sex and love, affairs and partners, for fun adn for real. Everything now, has an objective.
Let's move back into the jungle where there's friendship and trust.
ez
Sunday, November 20, 2005
MC's B-Day Bash
One candle on his cake, I have no idea how old he is. I have no idea what his real name is even. These personalities, they're so mysterious, they want to change their name, grow their hair long, look cool, act cool. But Mc's cool, he's nice, he's happening, he's popular, he's all that!
In a hip bar in the middle of town, MC's celebrates his day of birth. Drinks and people, more guys than girls, I was surprised, but definitely not disappointed. As men feast their eyes on hot chicks, lil girls like me, innocently check out the guys.
For a single gal, in the peak age of her life, where parties and partying should be the life. I somehow feel out of place. Tell me, what were you doing when you were 21?
After almost 8 months of grueling work, the only difference is that I'm 8 months older. There's gotta be more to it than that, I mean - come on! What's life if it's gonna go round and round, and come back to start, time elapsed.
Okay enough about life, too much of the mush recently. So I played a game of pool, met a coupla stock brokers, consultants, software developers. Just another night out. I think the world is made up of alot of ordinary people who look good on paper, and sound good when spoken. They're really just your ordinary tom.(dick and harry sound vulgar)
So back to the party, there was talking, there was drinking and there were chunky cigars, and there were men, and there were boys, alota boys.
Cousez: No, I didn't kiss anyone, I dont think I even danced. I drank a little, I think the whole point was just to show up. Perhaps I didn't see anyone worth kissing, perhaps I =O, was thinking of someone else.
I think in the end, the party sort of depressed me, I have no idea why, probably fifty guys that came alone or with other guys. At least thirty were single and available, and I felt like leaving! I know! What's wrong with me?!
I left, I felt like shit, then again I've been feeling like shit for the past week. Don't ask me why, coz I'm not really sure. Maybe its shit season, maybe I've me the man of my dreams.
So I left the party, I drove around town. I stopped and I just sat there. You know how sometimes in life, you just phase out, like your head just floats away, thinking of something but you dont know what. It's like a numb feeling of the highest state of nothingness. Come to think of it, it's pretty scarey. Perhaps it was just the alcohol, heh.
Secretely I longed for his arms to wrap around me. For him to just shut-da-f*ck up for once and just hold me. You could tell me a million words, but that's not what I need. Don't you get it! I want you to hold me! Just shut up and hold me!....
When a girl is down, she doesn't want to hear anything. She just wants you to hold her, so that she know's that you're there. So that she feels you. So that your warmth can tell her that it's going to be okay. Whatever it is.
What psycological message do you send when you abruptly let go and leave. Insecurity, disinterest, disappointment, and perhaps utter disgust, so much so that you run to get away, and all she needed was a hug.
There are times when I just want someone to be there. Sometimes when I call someone, I say nothing. They're probably wonderin WTF she callin fo if she jus gonna keep quiet. But maybe I just wanted to know that you're there, and you'd be there if there was somehing, if I did need something. I mean if someone can be there for you when you think there's something but there isn't really anything. Then you KNOW that when there is something they'll definitely be there.
Maybe that's what I need...Maybe you cant give that to me. Maybe you just can't shut up.
The night went horribly, it was horrific. I was terrified, I had an accident, it was bad. I dont want to talk about it, never, never.
In a hip bar in the middle of town, MC's celebrates his day of birth. Drinks and people, more guys than girls, I was surprised, but definitely not disappointed. As men feast their eyes on hot chicks, lil girls like me, innocently check out the guys.
For a single gal, in the peak age of her life, where parties and partying should be the life. I somehow feel out of place. Tell me, what were you doing when you were 21?
After almost 8 months of grueling work, the only difference is that I'm 8 months older. There's gotta be more to it than that, I mean - come on! What's life if it's gonna go round and round, and come back to start, time elapsed.
Okay enough about life, too much of the mush recently. So I played a game of pool, met a coupla stock brokers, consultants, software developers. Just another night out. I think the world is made up of alot of ordinary people who look good on paper, and sound good when spoken. They're really just your ordinary tom.(dick and harry sound vulgar)
So back to the party, there was talking, there was drinking and there were chunky cigars, and there were men, and there were boys, alota boys.
Cousez: No, I didn't kiss anyone, I dont think I even danced. I drank a little, I think the whole point was just to show up. Perhaps I didn't see anyone worth kissing, perhaps I =O, was thinking of someone else.
I think in the end, the party sort of depressed me, I have no idea why, probably fifty guys that came alone or with other guys. At least thirty were single and available, and I felt like leaving! I know! What's wrong with me?!
I left, I felt like shit, then again I've been feeling like shit for the past week. Don't ask me why, coz I'm not really sure. Maybe its shit season, maybe I've me the man of my dreams.
So I left the party, I drove around town. I stopped and I just sat there. You know how sometimes in life, you just phase out, like your head just floats away, thinking of something but you dont know what. It's like a numb feeling of the highest state of nothingness. Come to think of it, it's pretty scarey. Perhaps it was just the alcohol, heh.
Secretely I longed for his arms to wrap around me. For him to just shut-da-f*ck up for once and just hold me. You could tell me a million words, but that's not what I need. Don't you get it! I want you to hold me! Just shut up and hold me!....
When a girl is down, she doesn't want to hear anything. She just wants you to hold her, so that she know's that you're there. So that she feels you. So that your warmth can tell her that it's going to be okay. Whatever it is.
What psycological message do you send when you abruptly let go and leave. Insecurity, disinterest, disappointment, and perhaps utter disgust, so much so that you run to get away, and all she needed was a hug.
There are times when I just want someone to be there. Sometimes when I call someone, I say nothing. They're probably wonderin WTF she callin fo if she jus gonna keep quiet. But maybe I just wanted to know that you're there, and you'd be there if there was somehing, if I did need something. I mean if someone can be there for you when you think there's something but there isn't really anything. Then you KNOW that when there is something they'll definitely be there.
Maybe that's what I need...Maybe you cant give that to me. Maybe you just can't shut up.
The night went horribly, it was horrific. I was terrified, I had an accident, it was bad. I dont want to talk about it, never, never.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Reflection In The Rain
There are days when I stay at home and just reflect. Reflect on things that have happened in my life, and things that are or are not happening in my life. I think I think too much, but it's just once and awhile. It depresses me though, I wonder sometimes whether knowledge is worth the struggle.
I mean, the more you know about the world, the more you see that it's a shithole. The shitty surpasses the complete wonderful. Do we want to know more?
When you dont know, rainbows are fascinating, they are a miracle, something so beautiful, amazing, they make you believe in something more, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Then you grow up, and you gain knowledge, and a rainbow is just white light, and it's not even complete white light, it is white light being blocked. Why would we want to know this? Why do we want to ruine the existance of wonder, imagination and the joy it brings to just not know.
Knowledge is power, but what are you going to do with power? Rule over people who aren't as knowledgeable? Why would you want to do that? There are so many risks involved, everyone will know who you are, half of the people are going to love you, and the other half, being naturally pessimistic will wanna bomb your house and the nine kids you have, playing with their toys.
Okay so I am being pessimistic myself, but why would you want to put yourself and your family at risk? Perhaps you want to live this alone, a dream that you have made without consideration of other people. Or perhaps I just dont have the urge nor security to be brilliant in that way.
Sitting in my little office, I've probably not seen the world, cooped up and thinking that everyone on the side of the road is in possession of a bomb. I know it doesn't make sense, nothing like that ever really happens, people dont just get bombed. I mean look at some of the presidents around, they've killed probably a million people, and they're still sittin there, happily, in their white little houses, and their kids, still chewin on their toys.
So what's up wit me, you ask. Nothin really. Just felt like arguing. Laterz.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
What Do I Want To Do Next
I'm always asking myself what I want to do next. Probably because I set goals which are too far ahead of me, or perhaps I haven't really set any goals. Heh.
Well today is the day.
I talked to my ex-boyfriend today. It was good. We talked like good friends. No akward silences, no fights, no nothing, then again we never really did fight. It came back to me that he is such a nice guy, and I tried to figure out why we aren't together still.
I tried to feel something, perhaps regret for letting go, perhaps the feeling of missing someone, perhaps sadness, or eagerness or SOMETHING! Alas, I felt nothing, nothing out of the ordinary, just the normal feeling of hearing from someone you haven't heard of for awhile.
We talked like we use to, caught up with what's going on in our lives, I told him some of the things I'm experiencing at work, he suggested that I shouldn't work here if I feel so stressed out. He talked about his work, and how great it was, and I envied him silently.
He told me that I should try to apply for a job where he's working. He's right, I hate my job, and what he's doing is exactly what suites me. You see, we're so much alike, it's no wonder we were so perfect. He knows me like the back of his hand. He knew that I would seriously consider leaving my job for a job like the one he has. Not because of him, but because that's the thing that I like to do.
You know, it is ironic sometimes how perfect people will never be together.
Anyways what's next.
Right now, I'm paving the path, towards something huge next year. Of course the main concern is money, and the fact that I should be using it for something constructive rather than having fun with it all. So I've planned to do some reading. When I get back from home, I'm going to read something, anything.
I'm going to try to read some of my brother's books as well, perhaps know a little about what he's majoring in. That'll be a good start. I guess when I know a little more, I'll start taking various tests, and just certifying my knowledge. Right now, it's unofficial knowledge seeking.
How bout that for a start? Muacks, and wish me luck.
Well today is the day.
I talked to my ex-boyfriend today. It was good. We talked like good friends. No akward silences, no fights, no nothing, then again we never really did fight. It came back to me that he is such a nice guy, and I tried to figure out why we aren't together still.
I tried to feel something, perhaps regret for letting go, perhaps the feeling of missing someone, perhaps sadness, or eagerness or SOMETHING! Alas, I felt nothing, nothing out of the ordinary, just the normal feeling of hearing from someone you haven't heard of for awhile.
We talked like we use to, caught up with what's going on in our lives, I told him some of the things I'm experiencing at work, he suggested that I shouldn't work here if I feel so stressed out. He talked about his work, and how great it was, and I envied him silently.
He told me that I should try to apply for a job where he's working. He's right, I hate my job, and what he's doing is exactly what suites me. You see, we're so much alike, it's no wonder we were so perfect. He knows me like the back of his hand. He knew that I would seriously consider leaving my job for a job like the one he has. Not because of him, but because that's the thing that I like to do.
You know, it is ironic sometimes how perfect people will never be together.
Anyways what's next.
Right now, I'm paving the path, towards something huge next year. Of course the main concern is money, and the fact that I should be using it for something constructive rather than having fun with it all. So I've planned to do some reading. When I get back from home, I'm going to read something, anything.
I'm going to try to read some of my brother's books as well, perhaps know a little about what he's majoring in. That'll be a good start. I guess when I know a little more, I'll start taking various tests, and just certifying my knowledge. Right now, it's unofficial knowledge seeking.
How bout that for a start? Muacks, and wish me luck.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Rich and Powerful Vs. Love and Contentment.
If you were in a situation where you had to choose between being rich and powerful and a life of love and contentment, which would you choose?
The conditions being that if you were rich and powerful you would never be able to find your true love, you'd marry a person that you figured you were compatible with rather than loved.
Is money and power ultimately what everyone is looking for? Would people actually give up love for money and power?
OR
Do fairy tales about love really happen? Would people throw away fame and fortune for...love?
I would.
I would give up just about everything for love, if love be not an illusion.
If one day I wake up in the morning and find that there is such thing as love, and it's real, and I have reason to believe that I "LOVE" someone, I'd never ever let that go. I'd trade everything I have for it.
Everything, of course other than God, family and life.
I think it's reasonable, I mean finding something that you have lost all you trust and belief in, who wouldn't give up anything to keep it?
I guess you can see that love means alot to me, and at this point in life, I am discouraged about love almost to the point of no return.
I believe in compatibility, I believe in people who stay with other people just because they sort of get along. I believe that many relationships are in actual fact companionships. I dont believe that it is love, because when people who are in companionship relationships, break it off, they move on.
They're sad and they cry because they were use to having someone there, and are sad because they are not there anymore.
I dont think that this can be construed as love. Just because we feel bad that we have ended a relationship that we thought comprised of love, doesn't mean that we are really in love.
Shakespear did say, that "love is not love which alters when it alteration finds". If love relationships end or change, was it actually love?
You can never say that you loveD someone, because "love is an everlasting mark." right? You can always only love someone, and never loved.
So let's see, if you thought you loved someone in the past, but you dont love them anymore, then was it love in the first place?
And if you loved someone when you were with them, but now you are no longer with them, but you still think you love them, and you think that you will love them forever, maybe you're just miss their presence, and the good times you had together.
The worst sub-topic of this sub-topic of love, is does he love you?
There's no point asking the question did he love you, because obviously if he doesn't love you now then it wasn't love to begin with.
So I come to the conclusion, for about the billionth time in my life, beginning with hope, ending with same old same old...
"Love is an Illusion"
Wait, but that's not what the discussion was about to begin with! Heh, so getting back to the topic, if one day I really do find that I "LOVE" someone. I would never give it up for anything, EVER, I would never give him up. Not for all the money or power in the world.
Power and Money can be lost and gained. Love, when it is found, is everlasting.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Am I A FOOL To Let Go?
How often does something perfect come along? How many times in life do you meet the man of your dreams?
How often do you screw it up?
I have reason to believe that I have met a truely wonderful man. I also have reason to believe that I have f*cked it up. Why?
There's no good reason, there's no justification for the reason I let go.
Perhaps it's the fact that I'm completely crazy about him. Perhaps it's the fact that I could spend all day, and everyday with him, that when I'm with him everything phases out. Oh God, am I...in-like?
I want him all to myself, I want him for me and only me, I want him always with me and no where else. I want to be able to do everything with him and for him, be there with him whatever he's doing, whenever he's doing it.
I want to be selfish, and greedy for him. This feeling is overwhelming. I cannot stand to be without. I'm afraid that I need him.
Gosh, I am so scared.
I know that I can't have him, I know that he'll never be mine completely. I know that I can never be his everything. He has his thang, he has his life, he has his goals, and I am being so unreasonable.
I am being irrational, I am being selfish and greedy, and impatient. I dont want you to see how vulnerable you are making me.
I dont want you to know that I need you, more than you could ever imagine. I dont want to be so weak.
And so I have to let it go. And so I have to give away my perfect man to the world. The world of business and money, and power. And so I have to let it go.
I can't be generous anymore, I can't share you with the world for I am greedy, and selfish, and ashamed to admit.
Worst of all, you know that a girl like me can never be your woman. And that is why you have nothing more to say.
And that is why, you too are letting go.
How often do you screw it up?
I have reason to believe that I have met a truely wonderful man. I also have reason to believe that I have f*cked it up. Why?
There's no good reason, there's no justification for the reason I let go.
Perhaps it's the fact that I'm completely crazy about him. Perhaps it's the fact that I could spend all day, and everyday with him, that when I'm with him everything phases out. Oh God, am I...in-like?
I want him all to myself, I want him for me and only me, I want him always with me and no where else. I want to be able to do everything with him and for him, be there with him whatever he's doing, whenever he's doing it.
I want to be selfish, and greedy for him. This feeling is overwhelming. I cannot stand to be without. I'm afraid that I need him.
Gosh, I am so scared.
I know that I can't have him, I know that he'll never be mine completely. I know that I can never be his everything. He has his thang, he has his life, he has his goals, and I am being so unreasonable.
I am being irrational, I am being selfish and greedy, and impatient. I dont want you to see how vulnerable you are making me.
I dont want you to know that I need you, more than you could ever imagine. I dont want to be so weak.
And so I have to let it go. And so I have to give away my perfect man to the world. The world of business and money, and power. And so I have to let it go.
I can't be generous anymore, I can't share you with the world for I am greedy, and selfish, and ashamed to admit.
Worst of all, you know that a girl like me can never be your woman. And that is why you have nothing more to say.
And that is why, you too are letting go.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Apology NOT Accepted
I do NOT accept apologies. I never accept apologies.I do not forgive, I do not forget.
It is my weakness, it is my strength.
Every mistake that people make against me hurts. It will always hurt me, it will always be there, I will always remember.I will live with it for the rest of my life.
I do not believe in apologies. I have made many mistakes against people in my own life, and I know that that person has been hurt, and though sorry's were said, they will never forget what I have done, they will always remember what I have done to them. They will always remember what they allowed me to do to them. Pain will always be there to haunt them when they're not looking.
I do not apologise, and I do not accept apologies.What's done is done, it can never be undone. Sorry is never going to change how you are affected.
What we do in life, we do for a reason, there is never an excuse for doing what we chose to do. Anger, clumsiness, instantaneous reactions are never acceptable reasons for doing something. People have to learn that.
I never forget a painful experience, I learn from everything that hurts me, and pain makes me as strong as hell.
If I forget about pain, if I forget about life changing events just because they hurt, then I will never learn, and I will never be strong.
Everything that happens to us in life is a lesson induced. Everything wrong now means something right in the future, because we will no longer be susceptable.
What I can do: -
1. I can pretend to forget.
2. I can pretend that it never happened.
3. I can pretend that it no longer matters to me.
4. I can tell myself over and over again that you didn't mean it.
5. I can never mention it again.
but one thing I cannot do is to forgive you.
I dont expect anyone to forgive me, I dont expect anyone in the world to "forgive and forget". I might expect them to never mention it again, I could, possibly expect people to pretend that they were not affected by it in any way. But I will always know that deep within, burried somewhere in there, they know what I did, they know I messed up, and they can feel the pain.
Other people may feel differently about this topic, all they need is the word, "sorry". I hate to say but "sorry" means NOTHING to me.
I will feel sorry, and I will feel like I want to apologise for what I do sometimes. I might even go and say it, "I'm sorry". But let me ask you this, does it really matter anymore? Will sorry, reverse the hurt you felt? It might stop further the pain, but it will never reverse pain, it will never be able to erase the mistake.
"I'm sorry, I will never do it again". If you are sorry, you will never do it again, to anyone, anywhere, and that is apology enough.
Never apologise to me, it means nothing. Never let it happen again, and you will never be in a situation to not have to apologise.
For now and forever, you have affected me, and I know for now and forever, I have hurt many people for therest of their lives. I do not apologise, but you will never see me do it again. Ez.
It is my weakness, it is my strength.
Every mistake that people make against me hurts. It will always hurt me, it will always be there, I will always remember.I will live with it for the rest of my life.
I do not believe in apologies. I have made many mistakes against people in my own life, and I know that that person has been hurt, and though sorry's were said, they will never forget what I have done, they will always remember what I have done to them. They will always remember what they allowed me to do to them. Pain will always be there to haunt them when they're not looking.
I do not apologise, and I do not accept apologies.What's done is done, it can never be undone. Sorry is never going to change how you are affected.
What we do in life, we do for a reason, there is never an excuse for doing what we chose to do. Anger, clumsiness, instantaneous reactions are never acceptable reasons for doing something. People have to learn that.
I never forget a painful experience, I learn from everything that hurts me, and pain makes me as strong as hell.
If I forget about pain, if I forget about life changing events just because they hurt, then I will never learn, and I will never be strong.
Everything that happens to us in life is a lesson induced. Everything wrong now means something right in the future, because we will no longer be susceptable.
What I can do: -
1. I can pretend to forget.
2. I can pretend that it never happened.
3. I can pretend that it no longer matters to me.
4. I can tell myself over and over again that you didn't mean it.
5. I can never mention it again.
but one thing I cannot do is to forgive you.
I dont expect anyone to forgive me, I dont expect anyone in the world to "forgive and forget". I might expect them to never mention it again, I could, possibly expect people to pretend that they were not affected by it in any way. But I will always know that deep within, burried somewhere in there, they know what I did, they know I messed up, and they can feel the pain.
Other people may feel differently about this topic, all they need is the word, "sorry". I hate to say but "sorry" means NOTHING to me.
I will feel sorry, and I will feel like I want to apologise for what I do sometimes. I might even go and say it, "I'm sorry". But let me ask you this, does it really matter anymore? Will sorry, reverse the hurt you felt? It might stop further the pain, but it will never reverse pain, it will never be able to erase the mistake.
"I'm sorry, I will never do it again". If you are sorry, you will never do it again, to anyone, anywhere, and that is apology enough.
Never apologise to me, it means nothing. Never let it happen again, and you will never be in a situation to not have to apologise.
For now and forever, you have affected me, and I know for now and forever, I have hurt many people for therest of their lives. I do not apologise, but you will never see me do it again. Ez.
Friday, November 04, 2005
..
. I am scared, so scared that you could never imagine. Every night I cuddle up in my bed at home and I cry. I dont cry because of the horrible men that I encounter much too often. Not because of the things that I go thru and the things that I have gone thru with regard guys and relationships in life. The emotional pain instilled by men are bland to me. There's not much that I haven't seen, there's not much you can do to surprise me, to horrify me.
I cry at night because I am discouraged, because I am no longer susceptable to the joys and pain of the simple and honest word called LOVE. I am discouraged by the fact that a mere two factors are able corrupted the whole concept of the word. - Money and Sex -
I could endlessly repeat to you my encounters, but it's useless. What I want in life is simple, I want to find a person that fascinates me. That doesn't give in to the corruption of the society. I want to live in a world of LOVE.
I love LOVE, but I fear that I no longer have the ability to LOVE.
"LOVE will forever be just an illusion."
Good Night
.
I cry at night because I am discouraged, because I am no longer susceptable to the joys and pain of the simple and honest word called LOVE. I am discouraged by the fact that a mere two factors are able corrupted the whole concept of the word. - Money and Sex -
I could endlessly repeat to you my encounters, but it's useless. What I want in life is simple, I want to find a person that fascinates me. That doesn't give in to the corruption of the society. I want to live in a world of LOVE.
I love LOVE, but I fear that I no longer have the ability to LOVE.
"LOVE will forever be just an illusion."
Good Night
.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Friggin BrokeN Mad!
I feel messed up.I feel angry, stupid, and disappointed because of how I was treated by Hm.
It's a small matter, something that I shouldn't even be considering, but this small matter links to other larger matters, that I cannot accept!
I would like to state a commonly known fact at this point in time. "I am echez, and I and friggin BROKE and MAD!"
Frug! I am fed up, pissed off and every other word you can think of that expresses anger! Is it MY fault? Am I being irrational? Was it my fault to give in to my own belief?
You may think that I am over reacting to the situation, you might think that I'm being unreasonable, or whatever bad, but I DONT CARE ANYMORE!!!! I am MAD!
Hm knows that I'm flat broke. I told him that I am broke! I told him that though I didn't mind seeing him, I really couldn't, and that's a FACT, why, because I AM BROKE!
He says "Don't worry about that matter, I've got it covered. You dont have to worry about that, I just want to see you"
"No, I can't, really. Can't you understand the situation that I'm in? I dont have money, I can't put gas into my car, I can't pay for anything, I feel vulnerable, I might even get stuck somewhere either on the way there or back, if I get lost and there's a toll to pay I CANT! Not that I dont want to but I CANT!"
So he knows what kind of situation I am in, but he says, "look I haven't seen you for such a long time, I just want to see you, I dont want you to worry about all those things, I just want to see you."
After about two weeks of arguing with him that fact that I AM BROKE, I give in - It's stupid, I know.
He said that I wouldn't have to be afraid that my car would have no gas, I wouldn't have to be afraid that the dinner couldn't be paid for, I didn't have to be afraid that I didn't have any anything. I was very very sceptical, very very. But hey, the guy has been bugging me about this for two weeks, dinner wouldn't be so bad right?
I tried to justify my actions by repeating to myself that, hey, girls do this all the time. They force guys to pay all the time, and they feel alright about it, in fact some feel great. Why in the world do I, of all girls have to have a frigin conscions?Afterall, I'm not doing it on purpose, I'm really, actually in a situation!
I hate the thought that I would have to watch him slooowly, reluctantly pull out a note, as if it was his life savings and pay for everything. Again I said to myself, hey, chill it's just dinner. *breath, it's okay!*
Alright, I'm cool. I can handle this, he's just paying for dinner, it's cool, dont feel embarrassed, dont feel weird, just chill, you're a pretty, classy girl, you deserve this...uhh...no, it's not working, still feel really akward, bad, and dumb.
*breath, it's alright, gawd damn, what's wrong wit me, he asked me to go out-and I didn't really want to, he should be the one paying.*
*Frug! What da...is wrong wit you Ez? Dat's not the way to think!What kind of evil monster are you, expecin someone to pay for you...? Remember the morals you set for yourself!*
In the end he paid. i felt good, and bad, and weird, and akward.
Evening goes on. "Fuel Warning" falshing in bright orange above E and F. Shit...why now, shit. How am I supposed to let him know that we needed gas, and I AM BROKE?! You see, this is the exact situation I hate being in.
Some other random facts, I picked him up from his HOUSE! I drove him everywhere, I drove him BACK HOME~!! We kept going, the "Feul Warning" light getting brighter and brighter, my body felt more and pale as I didn't know what to do.
And finally, I worked up enough guts to ask him, "Umm..so you think we should get some gas? I think the car is going to stop soon..heh..urm..he..he..."
"You should know, it's your car, and you're driving it, how should I know?"...BASTARD!
Never-the-less, I drove to the gas station, it was bad of me to think that he would get the hint and at least offer to pay for the gas.
On normal occasion I would never expect him to but in this situation, he promised me that he would take care of everything and that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable because of the factors that I mentioned to him, and he was very well aware that I was BROKE!
So we stop at the gas station, and he dares to say "So, heh, are you gonna get the gas?" In an almost sarcastic manner!
WTF!? You F*cker! I'm Friggin BROKE! You asked me to go out with you, you said I wouldn't feel weird that I didnt have enough for gas, or anything during the night, and now! You're ASKIN ME why I'm not gettin the gas?!
WTF!?!?! Are you stupid?! Or are you naturally an ARSEHOLE!!!
Obviously I dont have any cash, obviously I wouldn't want you to pay for anything had I the cash myself, obviously if the car doesn't have gas I can't drive you to and from your house during a date that YOU are supposed to be taking ME on!
What were you thinking? I know what you were thinking, you were thinking of kissing and f*cking. What a surprise! You were thinking of how dificult I was being.
The worst of all was that all of the things you said to me for two weeks about going out with me, and respecting my fears, and the way I am, and taking care of things when we are out, when I am vulnerable, all the things that you said to me was BULLCRAP! And that is the worst part of all.
That you would say anything, promise everything, just to get what you want, and when you think you've got it, everything that you said you were concerned about, you actually aren't!
I know you're a politician's son, doesn't mean you have the right to make empty promises to me! I take it as a personal insult what happened .
Of all the bad choices I make in my life, trusting a MAN is the worst thing I have ever let myself do.
Thank you for the lesson you have taught me, and I believe this is the end of our acquaintence. Until next time Hm.
It's a small matter, something that I shouldn't even be considering, but this small matter links to other larger matters, that I cannot accept!
I would like to state a commonly known fact at this point in time. "I am echez, and I and friggin BROKE and MAD!"
Frug! I am fed up, pissed off and every other word you can think of that expresses anger! Is it MY fault? Am I being irrational? Was it my fault to give in to my own belief?
You may think that I am over reacting to the situation, you might think that I'm being unreasonable, or whatever bad, but I DONT CARE ANYMORE!!!! I am MAD!
Hm knows that I'm flat broke. I told him that I am broke! I told him that though I didn't mind seeing him, I really couldn't, and that's a FACT, why, because I AM BROKE!
He says "Don't worry about that matter, I've got it covered. You dont have to worry about that, I just want to see you"
"No, I can't, really. Can't you understand the situation that I'm in? I dont have money, I can't put gas into my car, I can't pay for anything, I feel vulnerable, I might even get stuck somewhere either on the way there or back, if I get lost and there's a toll to pay I CANT! Not that I dont want to but I CANT!"
So he knows what kind of situation I am in, but he says, "look I haven't seen you for such a long time, I just want to see you, I dont want you to worry about all those things, I just want to see you."
After about two weeks of arguing with him that fact that I AM BROKE, I give in - It's stupid, I know.
He said that I wouldn't have to be afraid that my car would have no gas, I wouldn't have to be afraid that the dinner couldn't be paid for, I didn't have to be afraid that I didn't have any anything. I was very very sceptical, very very. But hey, the guy has been bugging me about this for two weeks, dinner wouldn't be so bad right?
I tried to justify my actions by repeating to myself that, hey, girls do this all the time. They force guys to pay all the time, and they feel alright about it, in fact some feel great. Why in the world do I, of all girls have to have a frigin conscions?Afterall, I'm not doing it on purpose, I'm really, actually in a situation!
I hate the thought that I would have to watch him slooowly, reluctantly pull out a note, as if it was his life savings and pay for everything. Again I said to myself, hey, chill it's just dinner. *breath, it's okay!*
Alright, I'm cool. I can handle this, he's just paying for dinner, it's cool, dont feel embarrassed, dont feel weird, just chill, you're a pretty, classy girl, you deserve this...uhh...no, it's not working, still feel really akward, bad, and dumb.
*breath, it's alright, gawd damn, what's wrong wit me, he asked me to go out-and I didn't really want to, he should be the one paying.*
*Frug! What da...is wrong wit you Ez? Dat's not the way to think!What kind of evil monster are you, expecin someone to pay for you...? Remember the morals you set for yourself!*
In the end he paid. i felt good, and bad, and weird, and akward.
Evening goes on. "Fuel Warning" falshing in bright orange above E and F. Shit...why now, shit. How am I supposed to let him know that we needed gas, and I AM BROKE?! You see, this is the exact situation I hate being in.
Some other random facts, I picked him up from his HOUSE! I drove him everywhere, I drove him BACK HOME~!! We kept going, the "Feul Warning" light getting brighter and brighter, my body felt more and pale as I didn't know what to do.
And finally, I worked up enough guts to ask him, "Umm..so you think we should get some gas? I think the car is going to stop soon..heh..urm..he..he..."
"You should know, it's your car, and you're driving it, how should I know?"...BASTARD!
Never-the-less, I drove to the gas station, it was bad of me to think that he would get the hint and at least offer to pay for the gas.
On normal occasion I would never expect him to but in this situation, he promised me that he would take care of everything and that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable because of the factors that I mentioned to him, and he was very well aware that I was BROKE!
So we stop at the gas station, and he dares to say "So, heh, are you gonna get the gas?" In an almost sarcastic manner!
WTF!? You F*cker! I'm Friggin BROKE! You asked me to go out with you, you said I wouldn't feel weird that I didnt have enough for gas, or anything during the night, and now! You're ASKIN ME why I'm not gettin the gas?!
WTF!?!?! Are you stupid?! Or are you naturally an ARSEHOLE!!!
Obviously I dont have any cash, obviously I wouldn't want you to pay for anything had I the cash myself, obviously if the car doesn't have gas I can't drive you to and from your house during a date that YOU are supposed to be taking ME on!
What were you thinking? I know what you were thinking, you were thinking of kissing and f*cking. What a surprise! You were thinking of how dificult I was being.
The worst of all was that all of the things you said to me for two weeks about going out with me, and respecting my fears, and the way I am, and taking care of things when we are out, when I am vulnerable, all the things that you said to me was BULLCRAP! And that is the worst part of all.
That you would say anything, promise everything, just to get what you want, and when you think you've got it, everything that you said you were concerned about, you actually aren't!
I know you're a politician's son, doesn't mean you have the right to make empty promises to me! I take it as a personal insult what happened .
Of all the bad choices I make in my life, trusting a MAN is the worst thing I have ever let myself do.
Thank you for the lesson you have taught me, and I believe this is the end of our acquaintence. Until next time Hm.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Relaxation And Home
Today is a great day. I dont spend enough time at home. Right now, I'm just chillin in my room, listening to music, reading a book, writing. I'm planning to watch a movie that I haven't had the time to do since I started work. I haven't spent more than two to three hours awake in my room since highschool, when I was forced to stay at home and study.
I have this predicament. I love going out. I just can't stay at home. There's always something to do, someone to see somewhere, some place to hang out, just some place to go where it's so much more exciting.
Today I'm chillin at home. Wow, its really relaxing. I didn't realise that I was so tired. Tired of the buzz, tired of the people, the outside world. I wonder why i dont do this more often.
I think it's just a phase, heh, in awhile I'll be up and at it again. I know too many people who never go out, who are home at any given moment. I have this image of people who are home all the time. The picture expands in my head, alone at home, watching TV, when there's nothing on reading the news paper, and idling just sitting there and doing nothing.
That's something I fear most, boredom, sitting there and doing nothing. Staring at the wall. I hate that. I need to go out, I need to see people walking around, I need to see the cars movin around. Not necessarily to be invited to the hippest parties, though it is nice. Not to be where "the" people are, but just to be out, not to be at home.
Home is a jail, home is a boring place that you go to when you wanna sleep. Home is just someplace you go to when you have nowhere to go.
I know that this is just something that I'm thinking right now. I know that one day my home will be a place of great relaxation, somewhere that I'll love to be. Perhaps it the fact that I've always moved around, and my room, my house isn't really my house. It's not really where I grew up, , it's not the place I'm going to be in the near future, I'm going to move, I'm going to leave this place, not much point getting attached. It's not really a place that I feel completely confortable.
I can't really put my finger on it, but today, I just feel like I've been away for too long, I haven't really enjoyed my house. I think I'm going to do that now. At least for awhile. Kisses.
I have this predicament. I love going out. I just can't stay at home. There's always something to do, someone to see somewhere, some place to hang out, just some place to go where it's so much more exciting.
Today I'm chillin at home. Wow, its really relaxing. I didn't realise that I was so tired. Tired of the buzz, tired of the people, the outside world. I wonder why i dont do this more often.
I think it's just a phase, heh, in awhile I'll be up and at it again. I know too many people who never go out, who are home at any given moment. I have this image of people who are home all the time. The picture expands in my head, alone at home, watching TV, when there's nothing on reading the news paper, and idling just sitting there and doing nothing.
That's something I fear most, boredom, sitting there and doing nothing. Staring at the wall. I hate that. I need to go out, I need to see people walking around, I need to see the cars movin around. Not necessarily to be invited to the hippest parties, though it is nice. Not to be where "the" people are, but just to be out, not to be at home.
Home is a jail, home is a boring place that you go to when you wanna sleep. Home is just someplace you go to when you have nowhere to go.
I know that this is just something that I'm thinking right now. I know that one day my home will be a place of great relaxation, somewhere that I'll love to be. Perhaps it the fact that I've always moved around, and my room, my house isn't really my house. It's not really where I grew up, , it's not the place I'm going to be in the near future, I'm going to move, I'm going to leave this place, not much point getting attached. It's not really a place that I feel completely confortable.
I can't really put my finger on it, but today, I just feel like I've been away for too long, I haven't really enjoyed my house. I think I'm going to do that now. At least for awhile. Kisses.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Money & Me
With regard to the article Who Pays? I figure I have an idea of my own about who pays. I have this principle that if I can't afford to pay for my meal, and his, I'll try not to go out at all. I wish that guys had the decency to do the same.
I've experienced going out with guys who insist that they pay for everything. Sometimes, I go out with guys who insist on paying but are okay if we split the bill, not half half, but as much as we are financially able to handle. Sometimes on a date, I pay. Sometimes the guys says he'll pay, but seems in some way reluctant, and in the end I insist on paying.
I think that paying for a meal is a very sensitive issue on a date. On one hand it's great to have someone pay, on the other, it makes me get this weird feeling. Personally I like to pay, but I feel sometimes that I shouldn't because it affects the guy's ego. Usually I opt to pay.
It's ironic that paying should be such a sensitive issue for me, because I strongly believe that money should never be an influencing factor in a relationship, it's shallow, and unethical. I think this is a phobia that I have, and it does affect me to a certain degree.
Imagine going out on a date, seeing the person you really want to see, but you're flat broke. For me, I would rather stay at home than to go out and feel unsafe. I think for me to have enough cash on me is essential, mainly for safety and security.Not all guys I go out with are filthy rich, even if they happen to be, we all have times in our lives where, we're just not that financially stable. I shudder to the day where I'll be stuck in a resturant because I didn't bring any cash, and he doesn't have any either.
Actually, it doesn't really matter to me who pays. What matters to me is that the guy understands that I, like him, will at some point in time, have a financial crisis. I think it's essential to understand that, and try not to make a big deal over how much you he paid, or how much you paid, and how often.
I think the most important about money and relationship is to know that your man doesn't mind paying for you, just as you don't mind paying for him.
I've experienced going out with guys who insist that they pay for everything. Sometimes, I go out with guys who insist on paying but are okay if we split the bill, not half half, but as much as we are financially able to handle. Sometimes on a date, I pay. Sometimes the guys says he'll pay, but seems in some way reluctant, and in the end I insist on paying.
I think that paying for a meal is a very sensitive issue on a date. On one hand it's great to have someone pay, on the other, it makes me get this weird feeling. Personally I like to pay, but I feel sometimes that I shouldn't because it affects the guy's ego. Usually I opt to pay.
It's ironic that paying should be such a sensitive issue for me, because I strongly believe that money should never be an influencing factor in a relationship, it's shallow, and unethical. I think this is a phobia that I have, and it does affect me to a certain degree.
Imagine going out on a date, seeing the person you really want to see, but you're flat broke. For me, I would rather stay at home than to go out and feel unsafe. I think for me to have enough cash on me is essential, mainly for safety and security.Not all guys I go out with are filthy rich, even if they happen to be, we all have times in our lives where, we're just not that financially stable. I shudder to the day where I'll be stuck in a resturant because I didn't bring any cash, and he doesn't have any either.
Actually, it doesn't really matter to me who pays. What matters to me is that the guy understands that I, like him, will at some point in time, have a financial crisis. I think it's essential to understand that, and try not to make a big deal over how much you he paid, or how much you paid, and how often.
I think the most important about money and relationship is to know that your man doesn't mind paying for you, just as you don't mind paying for him.
People In My Life
I am a people person, I communicate widely with people. I analyse them and I learn from them. Every person that I have encountered, has impacted my life in many ways. I thought it would be a good idea to express my thanks to the people in my life now and the people who have been my life in the past, who have moved on with their lives. I want you to know that you have impacted my life, more than you can ever imagine.
Oa - One of the first people I met in Malaysia, taught me about being nice, motherly, first of my friends who got married, gave me insight about the simple pleasures in life, and about how being with the person you love is just a part of what life is, and that we shouldn't hesitate when we think its right. She also introduced me to the world of backstabbing, gossip, and plain meanness, especially when she tattled on me for cheating in an exam, I'll never forgive her, but I still love her. She taught me how family, people close to you, and people that you trust can turn on you, perhaps unknowingly, perhaps knowingly, either way it was the beginning of a strength that I am still developing with every encounter.
Cx - A girl who loves fun and excitement, perceived as being naturally courageous and crazy. Not many people know that really, she's using that to cover something up, that had she not been provoked, and encouraged in my presence, she'd have chemeleoned with another people. She taught me to be a leader. She made me see that I had the gift of influence, and the gift to induce courage, and inspiration into others.
La - La introduced me to the word pessimism. I had never seen nor known anyone like her. Pessimistic about everything. I learned to look at things in a totally different perspective. She taught me how to laugh at myself, and instigated into me a sort of individuality. I think the most inspiring thing about her is that she was able to turn her whole attitude around, she was able come out of the world she use to live in and become a better person. It's amazing. She taught me that everyone wants to be positive, and anyone can. Also that when we ourselves are positive, and excited about life, people around us feel that, and they will look upon us as something they wish they had, and they will change.
Sr - A guy who left his house to study abroad since young, made me look into independence. Being able to inspire himself to study, even in highschool when everyone was about hanging out. He was a good listener, taught me the essence of listening. He was a talker too, taught me the essence of talking too much.
En- From En, I learned that if you give up an opportunity, you may never get a second chance. I found out that people are great pretenders and men go through great measures to hide the memories they cannot forget. I also learned that people do forget, deny, and disacknowledge other people, as ntural as waking up in the morning.
Ka - Taught me that to be smart, you gotta read. To be cool, you have to have faith. Ka taught me the essence of true friendship.
To be continued.
Sn, Nl, Hy, Mn, Br, Zt, Hl, Hm, Ar, Ta, Lc, Wn, Bl, Aj...and more.
Oa - One of the first people I met in Malaysia, taught me about being nice, motherly, first of my friends who got married, gave me insight about the simple pleasures in life, and about how being with the person you love is just a part of what life is, and that we shouldn't hesitate when we think its right. She also introduced me to the world of backstabbing, gossip, and plain meanness, especially when she tattled on me for cheating in an exam, I'll never forgive her, but I still love her. She taught me how family, people close to you, and people that you trust can turn on you, perhaps unknowingly, perhaps knowingly, either way it was the beginning of a strength that I am still developing with every encounter.
Cx - A girl who loves fun and excitement, perceived as being naturally courageous and crazy. Not many people know that really, she's using that to cover something up, that had she not been provoked, and encouraged in my presence, she'd have chemeleoned with another people. She taught me to be a leader. She made me see that I had the gift of influence, and the gift to induce courage, and inspiration into others.
La - La introduced me to the word pessimism. I had never seen nor known anyone like her. Pessimistic about everything. I learned to look at things in a totally different perspective. She taught me how to laugh at myself, and instigated into me a sort of individuality. I think the most inspiring thing about her is that she was able to turn her whole attitude around, she was able come out of the world she use to live in and become a better person. It's amazing. She taught me that everyone wants to be positive, and anyone can. Also that when we ourselves are positive, and excited about life, people around us feel that, and they will look upon us as something they wish they had, and they will change.
Sr - A guy who left his house to study abroad since young, made me look into independence. Being able to inspire himself to study, even in highschool when everyone was about hanging out. He was a good listener, taught me the essence of listening. He was a talker too, taught me the essence of talking too much.
En- From En, I learned that if you give up an opportunity, you may never get a second chance. I found out that people are great pretenders and men go through great measures to hide the memories they cannot forget. I also learned that people do forget, deny, and disacknowledge other people, as ntural as waking up in the morning.
Ka - Taught me that to be smart, you gotta read. To be cool, you have to have faith. Ka taught me the essence of true friendship.
To be continued.
Sn, Nl, Hy, Mn, Br, Zt, Hl, Hm, Ar, Ta, Lc, Wn, Bl, Aj...and more.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Rosa Parks - 92
Yesterday Rosa Parks passed away. I didn't even know she was still alive, I'd thought she'd died a long time ago. I dont know alot about her but I know that I have always known the name, probably ever since I was first able to apprehend and understand the english language.
In an Arizonan classroom, twenty or so six year olds gathered in the carpet, we sat in a circle so that no one'd feel inferior. "Beunos dias" Mrs.C would announce."Commo Esta Ustead?" She went around the circle, urging each of us a reply.
"Meuy Bien, Garacias" was always my answer, any other answer would get a "porque?" by Mrs.C. Followed by a too personal outflow of your problems, and why you felt "Muey Mal".
That was the worst, everyone would be staring at you and you're supposed to tell them you had a bad night and that your dog died or something. If my dog died, had I owned one, my answer'd still be "Muey Bien, Garacias" with a smile.
There was great pressure in that classroom every morning for me, I hated spanish, and worse, I hated that I had so many more problems than anyone of those spoiled American brats...Okay they weren't spoiled and they weren't brats, in fact they were great friends.
Anyways our subject one week was Martin Luther King Jr., that was inspiring, but what really captivated me was Rosa Parks. We must have discussed her for no more than a few minutes, but her story was the one I had kept for over 15 years.
Rosa parks, an African American woman, in the center of the civil war against colored individuals. According to law, she and many like her, who were born a color different to white, were forced to sit in the back of the bus.
Rosa Parks walked onto the bus, paid her fare, and sat in the front. When a white man motioned her to move, she refused.
Rosa Parks was arrested and jailed for the mere sitting on the bus. She went on to trigger civil rights movements, and a civil revolution, just because she thought it was right. In November 1956, the U.S. Supreme Court outlawed segregation on buses.
Her story has helped me in my individual developement, as I'm sure it has done to many others. I developed a strength in me through her, though her name never came up again for the next 15 years, until her death, 92, yesterday. The headline caught my eye, and right away her name registered in my mind, her story as clear as if it'd been told yesterday.
Who knew, that the mere act of standing up could affect me to such an extent. I believe that sub-conciously, my strength came from her, my individuality came from her - may she rest in peace.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Beautiful Brown Eyes
I dream of you. I dream of you being the man of my life. We would live together in, have a million pictures just of you and me, and ten times as many memories of being together.
Travelling together, smiling in our photographs, capturing our beautiful kids as they run and play. I imagine picnics and parks, wind and shunshine and love and us.
Together we venture the world sneaking into backalleys for the sacred recipe, wine and dine the most lavishing resturants on hilltops, sitting at cafes, staring into each others eyes, wishing of nothing more in life - being content.
Holding each other in the sunset of the tropics, indulging in each other's presence. A scent for every moment, every place. A sound, an image, a touch, imprinted each step we take together.
I'd wear beautiful gowns for you, and you'd steal the sparkle from my eyes as I glide down the grand circular stair. I'd dance for you, and you'd want me.
I'd wear wifey clothes and stand in the kitchen with an apron, making you coffee and breakfast. You'd read the the paper, and the kids rushed to school.
When everything is quiet, I fit into my suits, stroll straight to the center of town and watch as the empire we build together grow. The phone rings from my officeto yours and we smile.
Knowing that above all, we have each other.
Yesterday though, those dreams stooped lowest to the ground, being dropped 16 floors.
I can't say that you will be the one. You are too afraid, you are too self consumed, however you deny.
For the first time since I met you, You let me down.You were embarrassed of me.
I saw in your eyes that you are NOT for real. I saw it, I looked into your eyes and I saw them laughing at me, not respecting my views, my feelings, my fear.
For the first time, I saw you as just another guy. Just another guy who wants the f**k and get out the door as soon as possible - with a please.
For the first time I lost confidence in you, and in my own judgement. For a second I let down my guard and Isaw the laughter in your eyes. Damnit, I saw it.
I built a wall, so much stronger now. You can't climb over and you can't break through.
You can only wait until I dismantle.
I think I might have LOVED you, if ever I believe in Love, but, I think I'm gonna have to let that go.
Travelling together, smiling in our photographs, capturing our beautiful kids as they run and play. I imagine picnics and parks, wind and shunshine and love and us.
Together we venture the world sneaking into backalleys for the sacred recipe, wine and dine the most lavishing resturants on hilltops, sitting at cafes, staring into each others eyes, wishing of nothing more in life - being content.
Holding each other in the sunset of the tropics, indulging in each other's presence. A scent for every moment, every place. A sound, an image, a touch, imprinted each step we take together.
I'd wear beautiful gowns for you, and you'd steal the sparkle from my eyes as I glide down the grand circular stair. I'd dance for you, and you'd want me.
I'd wear wifey clothes and stand in the kitchen with an apron, making you coffee and breakfast. You'd read the the paper, and the kids rushed to school.
When everything is quiet, I fit into my suits, stroll straight to the center of town and watch as the empire we build together grow. The phone rings from my officeto yours and we smile.
Knowing that above all, we have each other.
Yesterday though, those dreams stooped lowest to the ground, being dropped 16 floors.
I can't say that you will be the one. You are too afraid, you are too self consumed, however you deny.
For the first time since I met you, You let me down.You were embarrassed of me.
I saw in your eyes that you are NOT for real. I saw it, I looked into your eyes and I saw them laughing at me, not respecting my views, my feelings, my fear.
For the first time, I saw you as just another guy. Just another guy who wants the f**k and get out the door as soon as possible - with a please.
For the first time I lost confidence in you, and in my own judgement. For a second I let down my guard and Isaw the laughter in your eyes. Damnit, I saw it.
I built a wall, so much stronger now. You can't climb over and you can't break through.
You can only wait until I dismantle.
I think I might have LOVED you, if ever I believe in Love, but, I think I'm gonna have to let that go.
You & Me
Often in life, we take things for granted. We don't see that people around us are actually looking at us, admiring us. There are so many people who wish they could be you. But they can't be, they try so hard, but they can't be because you are you and you're the best thing to ever happen to someone else.
This is always true, for everyone. You never know how much you have impacted a person just by saying hi, just by taking the effort to see or communicate with them.
Sometimes relationships are built by just being there. Not necessarily saying anything, not necessarily doing anything, yet just being there. Presence in itself is enough.
This is always true, for everyone. You never know how much you have impacted a person just by saying hi, just by taking the effort to see or communicate with them.
Sometimes relationships are built by just being there. Not necessarily saying anything, not necessarily doing anything, yet just being there. Presence in itself is enough.
Utter Confusion
My attempts of self inspiration, have, of late, sarted to backfire. Something I feared, in the back of my mind ever since I resulted to having to indulge in such exercise. Some moments in my life are spent telling myself how corny I am to absentmindedly repeat things to myself.
At times i find myself wanting to give up even thinking optimistically. Quickly I bring myself back to par, only because I know there are people who need people like me to be around, just to watch, just to borrow the optimism I portray myself as posessing.
Sometimes it all feels so fake, sometimes I'm discouraged because things get stuck more often than never. I wish sometimes that I wasn't such a fake person. Wish I could be more genuine, but then again I think that'd mean crouching in a corner in the dark and crying most all of the time.
This is much better I suppose.
At times i find myself wanting to give up even thinking optimistically. Quickly I bring myself back to par, only because I know there are people who need people like me to be around, just to watch, just to borrow the optimism I portray myself as posessing.
Sometimes it all feels so fake, sometimes I'm discouraged because things get stuck more often than never. I wish sometimes that I wasn't such a fake person. Wish I could be more genuine, but then again I think that'd mean crouching in a corner in the dark and crying most all of the time.
This is much better I suppose.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Audit-ion
At work, there was an audit. We walked through the work processes, the documentation, problems, solutions, corrective maintenance, etc.
Once a year, a quarter, or every few months, there is an audit. Everything that has been done, or has not been done is analysed, the procedure, the initial goals, and distance towards reaching the goals, reasons why the goal has not been reached.
I believe that in life, we should take a day or two to evaluate our lives. Just like an audit at work, we should be able to write a list of important factors to evaluate in our lives, and take a thorough analysis of what is going on, whether we, much like our jobs is going in the right direction. Making sure that the processes in reaching our goals is efficient, and that we're not spending too much time on the unnecessary.
I cannot stress more one the fact that if I take a day or two doing nothing but thinking and auditing, it should not be considered as inconstructive, rather it be very much more constructive in the time to come. I believe that someone who is not focused is as useless as someone who does nothing. Right now, I am both, not focused and doing nothing, heh beats that.
The reason that I am talking so much about it is that I have not done anything about my life, and I have not set my goals, and in spite of always talking about it, I have taken no action. I am an all talk and no action kind of person, as I believe many can relate to. But you know what, I think that it is okay for me to be like so, because I also believe that if I think about it enough, if I write about it enough, if I put every thought into it, sooner or later I'm gonna cave, and start goin at my goals.
So I guess my goal right now is to convince myself to set my goals - confused? Well, me too. Anyhow, I'm glad that the company that I'm working in had an audit, because, now, everything can start all over again, but even better now, I have solutions to my problems and I can see my target now, clearly, without all the obstacles in between.
It's like being soffocated, in the dark and then in an instant, a rush of fresh air thrust into your lungs as the light blinds you momentarily, and when you regain sight, it's excellent!
At work, I felt discouraged, I felt that everyone was ganging up on me, I felt that everyone hated me or looked down on me, I felt stressed, and depressed to an extent, I felt that I had become useless, lazy, and just phased out. I think it was because of the declining of my self-esteem, that started with the guilt of skipping work a few days because of exhaustion.
I guess that I was totally completely out of it. I took a step off track, and I do feel guilty about it and I felt that the picture was melting, and if I didn't pop out of it, the picture would have disappeared altogether.
I'm taking a tiny step now, towards a grand direction. To be aware of my weakness and to have thought of changing for the better, is something that I see as an achievement on my part. I'm glad I am able to confront myself, perhaps not do anything about it but at least confronting.
They say the first step to healing is admitting what you are feeling, or admitting what you are and being aware of the problem that you are facing.
"My name is echez and I am lost."
Everyone say "Hello" to echez.
Once a year, a quarter, or every few months, there is an audit. Everything that has been done, or has not been done is analysed, the procedure, the initial goals, and distance towards reaching the goals, reasons why the goal has not been reached.
I believe that in life, we should take a day or two to evaluate our lives. Just like an audit at work, we should be able to write a list of important factors to evaluate in our lives, and take a thorough analysis of what is going on, whether we, much like our jobs is going in the right direction. Making sure that the processes in reaching our goals is efficient, and that we're not spending too much time on the unnecessary.
I cannot stress more one the fact that if I take a day or two doing nothing but thinking and auditing, it should not be considered as inconstructive, rather it be very much more constructive in the time to come. I believe that someone who is not focused is as useless as someone who does nothing. Right now, I am both, not focused and doing nothing, heh beats that.
The reason that I am talking so much about it is that I have not done anything about my life, and I have not set my goals, and in spite of always talking about it, I have taken no action. I am an all talk and no action kind of person, as I believe many can relate to. But you know what, I think that it is okay for me to be like so, because I also believe that if I think about it enough, if I write about it enough, if I put every thought into it, sooner or later I'm gonna cave, and start goin at my goals.
So I guess my goal right now is to convince myself to set my goals - confused? Well, me too. Anyhow, I'm glad that the company that I'm working in had an audit, because, now, everything can start all over again, but even better now, I have solutions to my problems and I can see my target now, clearly, without all the obstacles in between.
It's like being soffocated, in the dark and then in an instant, a rush of fresh air thrust into your lungs as the light blinds you momentarily, and when you regain sight, it's excellent!
At work, I felt discouraged, I felt that everyone was ganging up on me, I felt that everyone hated me or looked down on me, I felt stressed, and depressed to an extent, I felt that I had become useless, lazy, and just phased out. I think it was because of the declining of my self-esteem, that started with the guilt of skipping work a few days because of exhaustion.
I guess that I was totally completely out of it. I took a step off track, and I do feel guilty about it and I felt that the picture was melting, and if I didn't pop out of it, the picture would have disappeared altogether.
I'm taking a tiny step now, towards a grand direction. To be aware of my weakness and to have thought of changing for the better, is something that I see as an achievement on my part. I'm glad I am able to confront myself, perhaps not do anything about it but at least confronting.
They say the first step to healing is admitting what you are feeling, or admitting what you are and being aware of the problem that you are facing.
"My name is echez and I am lost."
Everyone say "Hello" to echez.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
For All The Times We Had - I Dont Know
It's been another week, how time flies sometimes. How you look back and realise that you have done nothing, nothing that can be documented and claimed as productive.
Why is so much of life is spent on doing things that have no meaning? Procrastination, relaxation, and just hanging out. What is the point of all of this?
We are not focusing, in life, many times we stray away from our goals, maybe just a step but it's much too far.
In another perspective, losing a week of productivity, has generated a whole new outlook into life, one that I would not have engaged, had I not had this week.
I suppose what's been done is done, and what has been lost cannot regain. Thus I can only live to justify my actions.
So many things to acheive, so little time. I have to concentrate.
There are people in my life that I thought I needed, but I dont think I need them anymore. There are people in my life that I thought I wanted, but I dont think I want them anymore. There are people that I thought would be able to fit into my life, but they can't.
I realise that I'm not looking for something in between. I'm looking for it all, and I guess I dont want to hang around and wait for things to happen.
I want it all now, or I want nothing now.I dont want to waste my time finding out that you're not the one, doubting.
You inspire me, but you scare me. You make life seem so easy. You make it sound like a feather drifting in the wind.
I'm afraid that I wont fit into your world, or perhaps you wont fit into mine, because God knows, we're from two completly different ones.
Why is so much of life is spent on doing things that have no meaning? Procrastination, relaxation, and just hanging out. What is the point of all of this?
We are not focusing, in life, many times we stray away from our goals, maybe just a step but it's much too far.
In another perspective, losing a week of productivity, has generated a whole new outlook into life, one that I would not have engaged, had I not had this week.
I suppose what's been done is done, and what has been lost cannot regain. Thus I can only live to justify my actions.
So many things to acheive, so little time. I have to concentrate.
There are people in my life that I thought I needed, but I dont think I need them anymore. There are people in my life that I thought I wanted, but I dont think I want them anymore. There are people that I thought would be able to fit into my life, but they can't.
I realise that I'm not looking for something in between. I'm looking for it all, and I guess I dont want to hang around and wait for things to happen.
I want it all now, or I want nothing now.I dont want to waste my time finding out that you're not the one, doubting.
You inspire me, but you scare me. You make life seem so easy. You make it sound like a feather drifting in the wind.
I'm afraid that I wont fit into your world, or perhaps you wont fit into mine, because God knows, we're from two completly different ones.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Inspired By You My Love Ez
Past
My Past
Everybody has their own memory...
That includes me...
There are some people...some...
But not me...
That can talk talk talk none stop...
They can say everything...
without worrying anything...
Rare I think to find these kind of people but there is...
How I wonder they can do that...
I admit that I cannot do that...
Or I can say that I am not a honest person...
There are always thoughts that I kept for myself.
Only myself...I am sorry.
Sometimes it is hard and suffocating...
But I think I am used to it...
Keeping secrets is not new to me.
It is the way I live till today...Lying.
Is that really bad?
Or is it just a way of living in this society?
Being honest?
What do you get by that?
Being grounded, people might get angry, people might be sad...
Why not just lie?
Everyone will be satisfied by your lie...
You won't get hurt and people will not be mad at you...
Good isn't it?
My past You want to know about my past?
For?
To understand me better as you say.
So if you don't know about my past you won’t be able to understand me?
I don’t think so, for me at least.
Past is past...
If I want to let you know I will tell you.
Or I will tell you if I think you need to know.
Sometimes I just like to let the past be...alone...
Just leave it alone please.
Being honest I have not been honest for the pass 17 years to a lot of people...
But I feel extremely happy lately for I found someone that I can run into for advises...
I feel safe and secure when I am with them...
I promise that I will try to be completely honest to you both...
I admit that I don't sometimes...
I still kept a bit for myself...
I trust you both...
a feeling that I had never felt before...
I love you from the bottom of my heart...
Thank you so much for being there when I needed you guys...
I love you and will always do...
Ez and ling
*The original author of this passage is L. Zt.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
What A Day!
It's raining outside, I'm in the office. The air is cooler today, the environment more cozy. Everything is buzzing and lively.
I don't feel the tiredness that I feel everyday, I dont feel the boredom. I dont feel that life is boring, I dont feel that work is stressful.
I dont feel that everything is looking down, I dont feel the haze.
I think about what I have acheived in life, and I think, that though I could have done more, and I could have been more had I put more effort into everything that I did, had I concentrated more on what I wanted instead of rushing through my life, I would appreciate my present status even more.
As I picture scenes of the many encounters that I have had, the much information and experiences that flew by me, that I didn't grasp, it makes me want to do something about it now.
Instead of dwelling on the fact that I could have done more, I want to do more now. I dont want to sit in an office a year from now, on a cozy, rainy day and have the thought that I haven't acheived enough.
Next time I sit and think, I want to be able to feel proud of myself for having done something, something spectacular, something that I can wake up in the morning everyday and just smile to myself in the mirror and be proud of having woken up into my life on earth.
It's on these wonderful days that brilliant things are created. It's these days that make every color you see, more radiant, more beautiful.
Perhaps today is just a normal day, that I just had a good night's sleep. Perhaps I'm in a good mood. It doesn't matter, coz fact is, I'm excited about life, and I'm excited about doing something.
I just hope I can overcome the issues that come with the package. But for now, I'm just going to take a deep breath, organise myself, and acheive something, today I am going do everything that I have in the past few weeks, set aside while I procrastinated, I am going to create a system today, that's going to be more organised and efficient.
So when I come to work, I can blog...muahahaha.
~Life Is Excellent~But Love Is Still An Illusion~
I don't feel the tiredness that I feel everyday, I dont feel the boredom. I dont feel that life is boring, I dont feel that work is stressful.
I dont feel that everything is looking down, I dont feel the haze.
I think about what I have acheived in life, and I think, that though I could have done more, and I could have been more had I put more effort into everything that I did, had I concentrated more on what I wanted instead of rushing through my life, I would appreciate my present status even more.
As I picture scenes of the many encounters that I have had, the much information and experiences that flew by me, that I didn't grasp, it makes me want to do something about it now.
Instead of dwelling on the fact that I could have done more, I want to do more now. I dont want to sit in an office a year from now, on a cozy, rainy day and have the thought that I haven't acheived enough.
Next time I sit and think, I want to be able to feel proud of myself for having done something, something spectacular, something that I can wake up in the morning everyday and just smile to myself in the mirror and be proud of having woken up into my life on earth.
It's on these wonderful days that brilliant things are created. It's these days that make every color you see, more radiant, more beautiful.
Perhaps today is just a normal day, that I just had a good night's sleep. Perhaps I'm in a good mood. It doesn't matter, coz fact is, I'm excited about life, and I'm excited about doing something.
I just hope I can overcome the issues that come with the package. But for now, I'm just going to take a deep breath, organise myself, and acheive something, today I am going do everything that I have in the past few weeks, set aside while I procrastinated, I am going to create a system today, that's going to be more organised and efficient.
So when I come to work, I can blog...muahahaha.
~Life Is Excellent~But Love Is Still An Illusion~
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