If

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;

If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And — which is more — you'll be a Man my son!

~Rudyard Kipling~

Strength

What does it mean to be strong? I always had this image that personal strength meant that in times of grief and sorrow, we could stand tall, and face the reality of what life presents to us, after all, if we take a step back, what does it all really mean?

In time everything is meaningless. Love that was shared will diminish, lives that were shared will diminish, into thin air. Everything changes, everything moves on. We want to believe that life has a deeper meaning, but does it? 

What we know and what we feel, what happens to that in the end?

We make decisions in our lives that we know will hurt us. With a clean slate it is obvious to sight, but to one that holds a mess of scar? Does it stand out enough to be noticed? Or is it dug into an unhealed and supple place.

It really only takes one in a billion, a droplet in a snow storm to make a shift, and who would have thought a dream would turn to a nightmare come true with but a single stray thought.

And had it been known, of course it was known, would it take the same path twice? I suppose it wouldn't. Fear holds us all in contempt.

So let's have it, if strength is to face reality and to accept it indifferent, and life is just the thoughts, the emotions that we create and submerge ourselves in, then the reality is what we create, and perhaps, to be strong is to lead a life that is controlled by the refined sophistication of knowledge.

We are not stupid. We know, we act, we take responsibility, and in the end, we should feel it, then smile, then let it go, never to forget, and always to reminisce . To know the system, and to overcome it. That is strength

I'm sorry

And I wandered out into the wild and I was taken by the beast that they call love, hidden in fire that they call life. And they covered my eyes so that I could not see, but I could hear and feel and taste and smell, but I did not believe. And so I took a step, further than I could ever reach. And then I fell. And all I could tell myself when I tried to get up was that if I hadnt taken that step, I would have never been satisfied with myself. My life would have never been complete. And so I gave myself that justification. But did that save me from the pain that I induced? No.

Am I satisfied at what I have done? No.

And so now I know, that there is no such thing as a happiness you strive to find, that no matter how real it seems to be, it never is. There will always be something missing. Or somthing more. Somthing more that should not be there. And sometimes that something more is you yourself.

Would I do it again if life would repeat itself? No. Does that mean that I regret the things that I have done that have led me into this predicament? No.

I am hurt and thus so many others. And pain is always good. Pain is always the root of the education of our lives. It is the exercise of our muscles. The strongest of all. The heart.

And so the story continues, less you, equal to me.

I'm sorry to you whom have put trust in me, that I have severed it. I never held it in contempt, until I did, I do not deny, and I am sorry.

Ajar

There is only so much a single person can do. We are people of capacity, once we have reached the maximum capacity, something starts to fall apart.

Love - of course love. We are only human, we do not have an eternal source of love. We wish we had, but unfortunate to say, we do not.

There's a jar, and if you like, the jar can be refilled, but we canot change the size of the love jar. Nope, the jar is all you got.

We can choose to use it up on one person, or we could choose to use it up on more than one person. But that would mean that this jar of ours would have to be shared. Now who would ever really want a shared jar?

Let's not even talk about love, let's talk about time. How much time could you possibly have to dissipate your care, attention, your love and even your hate?

Let's just say that we are all limited to a certain degree, and so, is it possible to love more than one person? I suppose so. But is it possible to have more than one love jar? Nope. And we're not talking about parental love or sibling love, or love of children or friends. It's about the ultimate love, the love that brings two people together forever. A love above all.

We are all looking for the love jar that has only our name engraved onto it. I haven't found mine yet.

Pythagoras

Do I think that he is messing with me? That just becuase he belongs in a part of society that is stereotyped to have a bias against the way that I look? No, I don't, and even if it were true, I am not afraid. What have I not gone through in my life that could make me afraid of the type of person that I could possibly find underneath it all.

I am not afraid becuase I am looking for someone to share my thoughts with, someone whom I am able to count on to talk to me, to comfort me when I am down. Someone to make me laugh and smile. And nothing more. I am not seeking a wonderful love and marriage. Not from someone whom I have just met.

The most important thing to me right now is to be able to smile while I live this part of my life. I realised that I cannot have more than that right now, becuase if you have no foundation, how can you expect a tower to be erected? Out of nowhere? Who in their right mind would ever trust that it would be stable?

The best thing about meeting someone new is that everything is new and intriguing. I have no doubt that in time that this will slowly fade away. I've seen it enough. How much could two people possibly have to say to each other?

It's not about the being there, it is about the being able to express yourself in a way that is sincere and genuine. I am only myself in the presence of the closest people in my life.

The people who have been there when I cry. Those are the people who are the closest people in my life. I cry alot, but only two or three people in that I hold close have actually, physically been there to hold me.

I think that might be what I continuously look for. I suppose eventually, the pillows just arent enough.
I have many by the way...pillows, never neglect the pillows.