Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia - Atlanta, Georgia, USA

The night before christmas, well, my flight that is, I had nothing packed, I had an MBA meeting, more reminder that I'm so not ready, everyone had pages and pages of written work, I brought along my laughter. It'll be done, by Monday, I'll do it sure.

I was thinking, how should I plan my night? I could go home, or I could go and hang out, something that I had planned earlier. So, hesitantly I had decided to make a stopover. I had this weird feeling that I shouldnt, and I had asked myself why I wanted put myself in such risk, right before an important event the next day. As I thoguht about it again, I figured, well, nothing really ever happens we just worry too much sometimes.

And so it was, that I made a stop over, the night before my flight, with nothing packed, and work in the morning.

And who could have known? Who could have anticipated? That my car, now of all times, would cease to operate. Leaving me stranded, with a 5grand notebook in one hand and 5 grand dough in my pocket. Lets just say "I told you so" goes pretty good with the instance.

So I crash at Kn's and in the morning, just so happens my car works again, now isnt that strange? Guess I was meant to get on the flight. Sometimes things work in weird ways.
I summarize the days before my flight as crazily busy, confusing, and definitely not organised. I suppose that sometimes there are priorities that you set before others that causes you to mis-forsee your objective.

I took alot of time to think up what I was missing, what I knew I would tell myself to bring and then would definitely forget about when I board my flight, but I couldnt think of anything, it was simple this time, pack some clothes, not too many, and...well, that's it.

So I'm off to work, and the MD gives me his last instructions and his last farewells, as I wish everyone the same.

Boarding the flight, MH094Q, I walk into the plane, it was stuffy and humidly warm, is the whole flight going to be like this? I so so hope not! It was, well at least for the first half an hour or so, and it smelled!! Horrendous smell, remind me not to reserve seats in the rear, coz that's exactly what it's going to smell like...rear.

I didnt have alot of time in the M'sian airport. So I couldnt really go duty free shopping. As we landed in Taipei for the transit, it was cold, so I pulled my jacket from my bag...BTW that jacket, went into the bag at home, came out of the bag on the way to the airport, went back into the bag in the airport, came out of the bag in the plane, went back inside the bag and then...you get the point.heh.

Anyways I was hoping to have a cig when I got out of the plane during transit, but, alas, the custom bag checker guys set up right in front of the "smoking room" and closed out all the other areas with velvet ropes except the ropes werent velvet, and I dont think they were ropes either, they were these red elastic things. Anyways I went down to the transit waiting area, got some weird paper cups, had a "cup" refer to figure, of water, called home. Went back upstairs argued with the uniformed lady, and got my cig.

So back on the plane, this time for 11 friggin hours!! There weren't that many people on the flight, I actually share 4 seats with a 4 year old kid, meaning two for him and two for him! AND THEN!! It all started, it was the little boy's bedtime, he took three of the seats to sleep!!! And me, poor me, had to try and stretch my legs under the seat in front of me. I was watchning movies and then went to sleep, next thing I know it was time to eat, and then I'm here.

I cant wait for the day I can afford First Class!!

Anyways immigration was fine, getting myself to Terminal 5, Delta, was fine too, so now, I just wait. For my flight. I had a brief encounter with the weather outside, I think that jacket is going to vacation in the bag. It's not that cold, it's just like an air conditioned room. 16C, something like that. I remember once asking someone to air condition the world for me coz Malaysia is way way too hot!! This is a good alternative. It's winter, it's Christmas, and it's not really that cold. Perhaps it's too early.

Oh BTW, I was outside just now at like 530PM, it was dark!! Like no sunlight. It's 5pm, sheish I could really get use to this, so much night, so little day. It's no wonder people work only till 5pm, coz that's when it gets dark. In Malaysia it gets dark at 7something PM, and guess what I have to work till 7something...how ironic.

Calling cards are really really expensive, 10 DOLLARS, 9 minutes, and most of the 9 minutes is used for people'voice messages!!!

Nobody answers their phone!!! They say, call me when you get there, so that I know that you have arrived, so that I wont be worried. Chyeaaa right. No more calling for me, if you wanna contact me, email me!!

Oh and BTW there isnt wireless here in the Delta portion of the airport. There was last time, but I think it was somewhere else. Who cares, this place is too big to wander around, especially when I'm sweaty, dirty and gross. I really need to take a shower. I really need to get there quick!! I think I'm only getting into Atlanta at 5am, that's way too much time spent travelling.No time, no productivity, no nothing, just idle...*sigh*...Low batts, gtta go for now, Decemeber 15, 2006; 11am Malaysian time, 6pm LA time, 11pm Atlanta Time.

4 hour flight to Altanta and if feels longer than the 11hour one I had from Taipei!! Coz there was nothing to do on this plane except entertain yourself by trying not to squish the person next to you coz the seats are so small!!I finally reach the airport in Atlanta, and guess what, noone is going to pick me up!

I figure, that's okay, I'm sure it couldnt be that hard to get some form of transportation to the hotel. Boy was I wrong!!!There are these shuttle things, those are great, it's like a van that takes you right to the hotel, costs $30. But guess what! My hotel isnt on the list!!! How much better can this get??

So I ask the lady at the INFORMATION counter and she says "I have no idea"...okay then, thanks missus INFORMATION counter!!! YOu're REALLY helpful!!!

I'd call the hotel but I dont have the number...wait I do have the number, it's in the notebook! Okay so turn it on and get the number! Oh Frigg! Remember the low batts from above...yeah, no bats at all now!!! I have to look for a friggin power point now!! Oh Frigg again!! POwer, remember the engineer who forgot the voltage difference and whadaya know the adapter too! YyyEAH, I forgot the little plug thing.

Thank God, for being there for me in times of need, the notebook that was purchased, came with both types of plugs, thank goodness for the smart people at Compaq, who took into account the dumb people whi fly from Malaysia to Atlanta and forget to bring the adapter...

The friggin bags are friggin heavy!! I realised that I dont have three arms!!! Why? Why did I not remember that before?????!!!

So I'm lugging three stroller bags around trying to find the non-existant plug holes in the wall, there are none!!!Wait...! There are some on the floor!!! That they plugged the inceneratir trash cans into! Shite, they're locked!!

I walk around lugging a hundred pounds of luggage, and YESSSsss! I find a trolley! Why didnt I think of that before?? Oh yeah coz it costs THREE DOLLARS!!! 11.1 friggin ringgit!! I could eat lunch, three times!!!But I found one unattended, I'm going to count to three then leap and bound and hopefully no one will see me taking over an unattended trolley!!

Run!! Yessss I got it, and oh LOOK!! Plug holes right next to the escalator, on near the floor, I dont care this is it, I squat on the floor remove the notebook from the bag, plug it in and viola, I got the hotel phone number!!

Yippie! God is watching over me.

I stroll lightly to the payphone drop half a dollar into the phone and ring the hotel...I'm at the airport, I need to know how to get to the hotel, what town is it in, what is near it so I can take a shuttle near the place and then a taxi...

Urmm...oh you take the 400, exit at 10, drive about 20 blocks to east and it's on the left.....
Urmm...Huh? I dont have a car!!
Urrrmmmm, oh okay, then ummmm...wait...you can take Marta, and get off at North Point...it's near there...

MARTA is the train. Oh okay, that's great, I figure like KLIA express! Brilliant, all my problems are solved!!

So I stroll with my trolley thinking see, that wasnt so bad, buy a ticket, and the lady says you cant bring that trolley up there.(to the train)

I was like no problem, I'm good, I could lugg the luggage up the elevator, then get on the train then take a cab and no prob....

I get up the elevator, gonna find a seat to wait for the train, check for my passport - right pocket, check for the money - left pocket, check for the...SHIT!!! Where's my HAND BAG??!?!?!?!?!?

Wholly OH Fugg!! Shit Fugg, fuck!?!?!?!

Slam on the elevator button, the train has arrived, fifty people get off and slam on the elevator button too. Look I know you're in a rush, but I've lost my friggin IDENTITY, card, wallet, amongst other things, my boyfriend is going to KILL me and disown me, and....COME ON!!!! WHere is the friggin LIFT?!!??!?!

Lugging three overweight stroller bags again, I ask the nice uniform lady, can I leave my bags here with you because i lost my bag and I really NEED to find it QUICK!!!
You cant leave you bags here. Nah uh....

SHIT SHIT SHIT, cant argue with her need to go find my hand bag!!!
I run as fast as I can lugging three HEAVY HEAVY bags, and go back to the, I have no idea where!!!

I know the ground, near the escalator where, I sat on the floor checking the notebook for the phone number!!! It must be there, shit, where is there????

Fucking hell!!!! Just walk, my arms are getting tired, my hands blistering, keep going.....
And then I see it, 5 people, with security tags, one in green, one in dark blue, one with specs and white uniform, a lady, surrounding my hand bag, staring, pointing, leaning over to see what it was. Was it a bomb????

I run over drop the three bags with a thud on the floor, as people crowd around. I found my handbag...they thought it was a bomb!!!

I left it on the chair I was sitting in right before I pounced at the trolley...Dear Lord Heavenly Father, thank You for looking after me. Thank You!!!!In Jesus's Name I pray, Amen.

I have no trolley, I have all my bags and I slowly, now I'm really lugging, back to MARTA, the ladies in uniform, bring me a trolley so that I can go up the elevator, they sympathise with me, saying that I was really lucky, saying that there is a God.

She pressed the elevator for me and accompanied me to it. AND the elevator doors open, I want to walk in and I hear a "GET OUT" "GET OUT OF THE ELEVATOR NOW"!!! Two black....wait...african american people dressed in almost rags, smoking in the lift.

Shit I aint doin nothin wrong!! GET OUT NOW, SECUIRTY!!!Comeon lady, the train is gonna leave. GET OUT OF THE ELEVATOR NOW!!! I hear the shouting, it freaked the shit outta me....

WHAT the hale am I doing? I shoulda just paid the friggin hundred and fifty dollars, I'm never doing this again!!!!

As I wait for the train the two African American homeless people stare at me, which makes the other twenty african american people stare at me too. There were no white people, just alot of gangster looking black people. I'm shittin my pants now!!!

SHIT!!!!

just look down, and wait for your stop. That's what I told myself...My bags were in the aisle, the aisle was small, I couldnt protect all three bags, I thought someone was gonna take one and run on one of the stops!!!

I sat there, and tried not to look at anyone, in fear that they'd ask me something like"whatcha lookin at?"!!!

I finally reach my stop and this nice black guy with a tag comes and offers his help, he's kinda an old guy so after hesitating for 10 minutes he takes the bag and helps me, and tells me about taking a cab or the bus or something. He brings me to the cab, I thought what a nice man. Maybe he works here.

One the way to the cab, he asks, so do you think you can buy me something to eat???!?!?!?!?!
WTF!!??!?!

I give him 3 dollars, he leaves I meet the egyptian taxi guy, he drives me to the hotel which is like three highway exits and $25 away!!!

I finally get here, there's no bell boy to help me with my bags, the smoking room smells, and now I have a headache.

More Thoughts On A Friday Mornin'

I wonder where I'm going sometimes, people tell me that I am a lucky girl, that will succeed in whichever path I choose to follow. People always tell other people that. It's not like you're gonna tell someone that they're horrible and they're gonna fail, right. Naturally people will want to tell other people, I mean their friends, that they're going to succeed. It's something that everyone likes hearing, and it makes me wanna think twice about it.

Is there actually something that I have, that other people dont have, that makes this person think that I especially, am going to succeed above all the billions of other people out there?

There isnt, there isnt anything drastically eccentric about me that makes me stand out from the crowd. So I have come to the conclusion that when people say that they think that I, especially am going to succeed, I'm not going to believe that they know what they're talking about.

Not to say that I dont know that should I try at anything, and should I have that ambition, I will not succeed, I know that I will, I also know that anyone who tries, who gives it a go, will also succeed, in whatever it is.

So in the end, it's not that I'm different and special, I'm just a normal person. That's what those superstars say, "I'm just an ordinary person, I work very hard to get where I am".

Is that true? Like some singers, they just get lucky and become really really famous, did they work harder than all the other singers? Did they have more hours? More days than you and I?

I guess some people are just a little lore lucky than others. Or perhaps, that's just God's plan.

Hi

I'm done being disappointed.

There's more to life than waiting and anticipating things that may never be.

I have expectations and I'm not ready to change those expectations because you cannot meet them. Just admit that you can't do it, and walk away.

"As of this moment I dont think there will ever come a day when I will say, that i want and need to be without you, you make me wanna give my all." Ta

I've given my all, I really have, what more do you want me to do? There's nothing more that I could possibly do, to fix or change the way things are.

It's hanging on a thread, and you know it. Does it matter enough to you to do something about it?

Please, ask yourself.

*sigh*

All the words in the world, they mean the everything to me, they also mean nothing. Not anymore, not when the truth lies so far away, it use to comfort me, and make me feel okay. But okay isnt something to feel anymore.

Nothing really matters, you fuck up your nose, and all you hear from work is that there's inventory this week! It's like oh no~! You hit the wall, how's the wall? Is it okay? You smile and give your warmth but it's blown away by the bitter wind.

Doesn't life just enjoy biting you in the arse? People you thought didnt give a shit, are there, for you, when you need them, people who shower you with, I'm going to be there for you, and the I do care for you. Where are they when you fall?

This is bullshit.

The whole concept, is bullshit.

You see the shit right in front of you and you walk right into it. In fact you're doing a little skip, and leap right into it.

Little do you know the stench is gonna stick to you for a good twenty miles down the road.

*sigh*

Somtimes

Distance stares. Dark grey thickness grabs you and doesnt let go. Dragging a bleeding soul, circling as an eagle brandishing it's prey.

Granted are the muffled melancholic screams of escape. Reaching, yet grasping but the vapor of exhalation.
You wish the sparkly efferversence could have lasted for a minute longer, but you cant.

There is nothing more. The world is vast and beautiful, yet confined, the sky is but a crack between moasiac grills.

You are being swallowed and there's no way out.

So Be It

I hate it when push comes to shove, and we come to find ourselves saying things like "so be it".

Twice, twice in my life, I have spoken those words, "so be it", and everytime I look back, I look back in awe.

There is never a good reason, never an appropriate time to say those words. No one ever means it when they say, so be it.

But sometimes it just doesnt matter anymore. The arrogance and ego that we posses lead us to prematurely end relationships of whichever degree, because of simple, unreasonable words like "fine!" and "so be it".

In life, sometimes people just have to take a step back, and give it a good look. You'll find that so be it just doesnt cut it. Many a time after a couple days, people start to reflect and regret, the rest is just self justification.

I didnt need that person in my life anyways. They were being too much, and they deserve it, or perhaps you guys werent meant to be friends anyway. All of these things we tell ourselves because we are too arrogant and proud to just let go of those words.

I'm not saying that I dont do things like that. I do, more often than I would like to. It's pretty stupid when I take a look back and realise how many more important people I could have had in my life had I just taken a bite to the bullet, let some things go.

But like we all say, that's life!

In my lifetime strive to be the perfect person, faults included, there is much to learn. much to overcome.

Cries of Crises

It's color wilts. Unappealing, just as twin souls, exausted in the midst of daily qualms. The perplexity of trust and the unjust, encaged in vows, silenced by obligation, or seemingly so.

A mandatory phase to hoover over as lives become a dusty trail. Minds go astray yet always buoy back to surface, light shines into one's eye, and there lays an explosion back into the reality of peace, harmony, loyalty, and honor.

From the pits of our hellish ways, we walk alongside the beauty in heaven, our sins forgiven, yet never forgotten.
Infestation of what has gone, never leaves, there to remind you what an angel you've been.

The finale of what could have been never takes place, it ends in what was, what is and what is to be, the indifinition of who we are and what we really want survives, mingles into the mist at large.

And that...is life.

In? Decency

I was confronted by a friend, regarding the "Decency" article. He says that I got it all wrong, I was looking into the situation from a one-sided point of view. I was biased in my thoughts and view on the situation, because I didnt know what the other party was up to, the other party may have been out reciprocating a "screwing around" incident.

I beg to differ as the situation I was referring to is a situation in which one person in the relationship gives complete trust in the other person, while that person takes it for granted and messes around.

Just imagine how you would feel if you really want to see your b/g-friend but they say that they are completely busy and barely have time for themselves, muchless you. And after biting the bullet and bitterly accepting that life does that to us sometimes, the fact is that your tremendously busy b/g-friend is out in the clubs messin around with other people.

It's like gobbing salt onto an open wound. Not only to be rejected by your b/g-friend, but your place in that person's life doesnt appear before clubs, drinking and messing around with others.

My friend says that it is a fact that when guys are with their gals and other gals are around, the gal will stick closely with their guy, but when there are good looking guys around, gals will stay away from their men, making themselves seem available.

I dont believe that it is fair to say that only gals act this way, men do it too. Although I relise that it does happen, I dont believe that the reason behind an act like that is constant. People do these things for different reasons, not because they want to get with the good looking guy, but because they want to be noticed by the good looking guy, so that their guy will pay more attention to them. It doesnt work, and there are people who do things like that. Sometimes it's just a human instinct.

I think I am done talking about this topic about how people cheat on other people, and how they mess around with other people etc etc.

All I know is that I, on a personal note, respect, and devote myself to the person in my life, and I would never want to hurt him, and I expect the same.

It's like giving someone a whole block of faith, if you are really dedicated to me, then you will not hurt me in this way. If you knowingly do these things, that you know is going to hurt me, and if you're okay with me being hurt by you, then by all means, please, hurt me, so that I will know, that I have made the wrong choice, and I have trusted the wrong man.

If you're doing that, you are already hurting me, every moment that you spend with someone else, you are hurting me, whether I ever find out or whether I dont, fact remains, things are still happening, you are still hurting me.

I have never felt so insecure before, but hey, now I have. It's okay.

MBA III

Just an update about how ma MBA is going. It's okay.

It started out really interesting, and great, and fun and all.

Now comes the hard part. Finance and Accounting. I took about half an accounting class when I was in Form 4, and then I quit. That's how much I love the subject!

I ran away from this, accounting, I ran away. That's one of the reasons that I took all the math in the world...so that I could run away from accounting. Alas, it's all coming back to me now.

Major accounting, major accounts management. Finance is pretty cool, more to what I like, but accounts management, and balance sheets and profit n loss accounts. Noooooooooo....leave me alone!!!

Anyways, the class is so tremendously BORING!!The guy has practically no sense of humor! He's like the second grade teacher we all hated, well the second grade teacher that I hated : Mrs. Miller the Killer.

Anyways most people in class are really busy with work, which makes me feel a little better that we're all on the same sinking ship. I have practically no time to do anything after work. But there are a few people who have a more relaxed lifestyle, who are able to cope with the pressures. I think that the main objective of taking the MBA, or studying in general is to teach us how to handle pressure, and how to think reasonably, and absorb information even in our most busy times.

I think the hard part's gonna be my dissertation. That's going to be the challenge of the decade.

*sigh*

The people in class are pretty nice, they're mostly people who have been working for a long long time. They know everything about everything business, and everything going on in Malaysia and in the world.

I dont think I can do that. They suddenly talk about the CEO of this huge company as if they had lunch with him the day before. They talk about how this business and that is running and how they do or dont agree, I'm like. Who? Oh, yeah I saw that in the papers...shit, I should have read that article.

Or hey! I read an article on that! I still have no idea what you are talking about. Plus I have no idea what's going on politically, and I have no passion to find out.

I dont know how the previous prime minister was and I dont know how the prime minister is now. Right now, I dont really care. It may be affecting me but I dont work directly with it, so I have no idea. What do ya want me ta do?

The people I work with are even more clueless...*sigh*...how la, how? The only opinion I have about the prime minister is hey! leave him alone, let him do what he wants, he has his own plan. If you're so great, you be the prime minister!

I know, I know, knowing about what is going on in the country helps you to understand, and predict what to venture into and what not to, and it also clues you in on the bigger picture of Malaysia, and that's what people should do because every industry is connected to every other industry, so it's advantageous to be knowledgable.

But still!

Impossible Relationships

Why do I hang onto my phone every minute of the day waiting for the call that I'm not going to receive, waiting for the message that I'm not going to get.

Why, I ask, do I wake up every morning wishing for a good morning that I'm never going to hear. Why do I go to work hoping to receive the flowers that are never going to be sent or the lunch invitation that I'm never going to be asked to.

Why do I wait for the dinner plan that will never be planned or go home every night and wait for a call that's not going to made for the movie I'm not going to get to see.

Why do I anticipate the weekend that you're not going to spend with me, and the kiss I'm not going to get from you.

Why do I anticipate every passing day and week and month that you wont want to spend the time you dont have, with me?

Why do I hope and wish and anticipate for the love and care that you dont have for me?

Decency

I called someone an arsehole the other day, I feel kinda bad that I did, but you know what, that is how I feel about people who are in a relationship, people who, through their own free will, chose to be with someone, who pledged themselves to be honorable, to be loyal and true to their partner, boy friend or girlfriend, and then turn around and screw other people!

It is despicable! You, through your own free will made a decision to be with this person, so you should honor that with every part of your heart, body and soul.

If not, then quit it with your partner.

Just imagine, your partner, just being at home, trusting you with all their heart, just "knowing" that you're busy doing things or in a situation that you're just completely unable to see them, and that once you have the slightest opportunity, you'd think of them and you'd definitely see them, because their someone dear to you and that's what people should do, be with the person that they like that likes them back, the person that they committed to.

But no, hell no, you aint stayin at home, no ways. If you thought I was stayin at home, no ways! You're out partying, making out with other people, screwing around with other people, while the person that probably really loves you, is sitting at home, trusting that you're genuinely busy.

You know, if you care enough for that person, at the least, have the decency to dump them before you go and screw around!

Reasoning

I asked myself last night, what is wrong with him? Why does he always make me sad? Why does he always do this to me? Why every time that I am associated with him I am alwasy sad and down, how can I be with someone that always makes me sad?

I realise that I have been asking myself this question over and over again for so long, in every relationship that goes bad, I always ask myself what was wrong with him...I analyse what he didnt have that I needed or wanted. It was always about what he did wrong to me.

I have been analysing this since I knew the meaning of the word man, always to find myself with alot more problems and no solutions.

I realised last night that I was asking the wrong questions, I was looking in the wrong places. I overlooked the easiest solution, I overlooked the place, the answer that was right under my nose. Literally.

I never asked myself about me.

I never asked myself what it was that I didnt do, I never asked myself why I was sad because of him. I never asked myself what I really wanted and what was really making me sad, disapopinted and making me fall into deep stuck situations that I could never get out of.

I got to a point where I really didnt know what I was doing, I was down as hell and I looked and analysed his situation in every possible way, trying to figure out what he was doing wrong and what he could change that would easily satisfy me and at least give me the faint of happiness in the relationship.

I got some sense knocked into me last night and I realised that the problem was with me. I did not know what I wanted, I lost sight of my goals and motto in life, in love.

I took a good long thought about me, and I realised that I wasnt being the person that I wanted to be, and that was why I was so unhappy and dissatisfied, and that was why I could not accept particular things and events that happened, or shall I say did not happen in the relationship.

Ever since, forever, I have wanted to be the woman behind the successful man. My role in life is to be the lady for one man, and that is what I want and that is what I strive for. I want to be the everything to one man. A man that I truely love, should love ever fall into my hands.

It's about what I can do for him, it's about how I can support him and how I can be there for him in anything and everything, without doubt, without worry, with full trust. To know that this is the position that I want to hold, makes all the things that I have been wanting and needing from a man, seem small. What I want more than anything is to see the man that I love, happy.

If I have pledged to do anything to make that happen, sacrifice is but part of all the shit, all the bad stuff is only part of working towards what I really want.

My friends say that being the woman behind the successful man is the hardest thing to do, it requires immense strength and devotion. They ask me, do you think you are strong enough? And I tell them, I will be. And I trust that I will be, because that is what I want. This is what I have chosen.

They say why? You can do anything with your life, you could be the successful woman, why do you want to be the person behind it all, carrying all the shit, and receiving no credit for it. Why burden yourself?

Le, told me you know, there was this famous actor, and his wife and kid. When this actor married the his wife, nobody knew about it. Imagine you're the wife of the superstar and no one knows who you are. You see your husband only once or twice a year, and nobody acknowledges you as anything. Imagine how much burden she had to carry with her, to be faithful, to believe that one day someone, one day the man that she married would appreciate her for being there, for going through so much strife and still stuck with it. It took 20 years for this superstar to realise that he had neglected his wife, and it took him 20 years to realise what she must have gone through not be able to question what her husband, a rich, famous actor was up to. To have waited for 20 years to have believed for 20 years.

But because she stuck with it, because was so immensely strong, and because she so generously bore the burden, she, after 20 years is appreciated. He knows, that he has someone that has been there for him for so long, through all the shit. He appreciates her.

And perhaps that is all I want, to be appreciated, for someone to relise that I am there for them. For that simple acknowledgement. It's worth a lifetime's pain and suffer.

Neat Stuff

I just found some pieces that I wrote like 5 years ago. It's pretty weird when I look back, some of the things I wrote I still believe in, some I have grown out of. Take a look below. My favorite is "It's Just Today".

Untitled

Untitled
by echez
Uploaded 6th Jul 2001

Love has since devoured into reeking sour breaths
Dissolved in the tones of the cracking heart
Was it the fingers that grasped their fragile wings?
That anchored to the ground what should rightly be in flight?
Twinkles in the dark that were never rekindled.
What horrendous maneuver would lead to this?
Was Love's blood drained into the sea at large?
To be dug up in the midst of fire-as stone?
The Finder never finds what the Loser has lost.
But recreates a passion for life in doom
A smirk of the devil presides the act of an angel
And relapse of the thick drumming in the tunnel
Recreates the scene of end-flash and flash again.
Who rings the bell of eternal sleep?

Mistake

Mistake.
by echez
Uploaded 6th Jul 2001

The stringy smile that once held truth
Smeared as blood on the pale of white
Mosaic caresses of silky softness- Absent
Vaporizing into mist, the liquid love
The whisk of the wind, harmonic to the wave of the sea
Transform into a drummer beaten drum
Frostbite might have infested a heart as cold.
The heat of love, the pain of lust,
The ear of the world, the 3rd from the scorching sun
Even that can't budge that thought, that one mistake.

Life

Life
by echez
Uploaded 20th Jul 2001

Piles of rocks upon the fleshy pink of spilling blood, it beats without a source- smashed into the pores of earth. A stained rash which never fades entices with the wretched laughter echoing into cold of night. You try to catch the voices in the dark but they drift into the wintered wind. Pulses of chills run through your skin you try to stop it but you can't.

The way it is, the way it's supposed to be-NO! I can't have it. Why must it be so? Summer goes but it comes again. You disappear to never return, you defy the final law of nature, the one that says that we are one. The one that says that love is joy. When winter goes it takes with it the bitter cold. You leave the worst for I. A barrel of fear, a field of pain, and worst of all a world of loss.

Continuing it's path, the Earth misses not a minute. Every piece of that dreaded phrase, kept and saved into eternal files of pain. Repeating once and again.

When you finally pierce a hole, everything at rapid speeds, is sucked out of this dimension. You strive with lifeless hope to find the missing arrow, the one that would point the way to help.

Your soul is alone in the fire, no one told you about the bomb, if they did you too would have run, if they'd only taken two breaths and spent one on you.

The sun shines now. It shines into my eyes. Not the beauty of the lillies not the pain of love- life has become a task, an eternal task to live.

Lifeless
by echez
Uploaded 20th Jul 2001

Blankets of winter leaves cover the flesh of the earth.
As skin turning light brown in preparation for the next level.
Readiness for the stage of further growth.
Death of faith brings life to the devil
Plattering to him the righteousness of that cloud;
That once had them floating.
That serpent, mincing black skies while preaching fire.
Water never enough to put out that flame, that
Dark aroma humidifying the thick grey smog.
A head appears from the underworld above
Which spurts the juice of the body unto a mutation called earth
The holy drink of the heavens, burns a hole into the illusion of death;
Which brings forth the illusion of life.
That nightmare of purity, puffy whiteness which seeps into denied wits
Enhances that dream of murdered innocence that was once graspedand nurtured-image to heart.
Now lay quintuplet destruction, silence lies within all.

Falling

Falling
by echez
Uploaded 24th Aug 2001

You feel the clouds drowning, what does that make you?You see the world turning into a dump of heartache,
You, a mere single soul, what does that make you?

You surf the bowl of cereal on a cornflake, knowing that they'll either turn soggy or you'll be eaten into the sore throat of the older generation.

In one ear you hear acoustic voices dawning from the new era.
In another, the effort of equal hearts seem to try too hard to win whatever you have to offer to them. It's not much but more than enough to contain the petite of man's desire.

Native to the non-female species, is the color of the green eyed monster who cowardly ran when it's essence essential, who is due to return when the sky darkens, and situations thicken.

Why when there is but weakness, does all worst come rolling in? When you're in the midst of drowning, the life line doesn't hold.

You've all been there and now is when the falling tree lands - it's high time.

Love is Faith

Love is Faith
by echez
Uploaded 14th Sep 2001

You'd love to love him, but you don't know him, is three days enough to be loved? To start a relationship? He says that he loves me, he says that he won't hurt me. He says that he's different, and he says that he is the one for me.

What do I think? I think that if it is love, than it will last and that if we give it time then it will develop.

Do I love him? I can't! How can a girl learn to trust a guy in a mere three days? Without any knowledge of what he is and who he is.

If I loved him, then it would only be because he is good looking, and nothing more. For that is the only thing that I know and am sure about: that he is good looking, and frankly speaking, that is a whole lot of cow dung!

Looks are very very decieving, and we are very much aware of that. Why are we humans, attracted to such an image, the image of the dark. What is love if looks is the foundation?

Love is from within, it is a mark that will never disappear even till the end of the world. That is what love is and to fear the disappearance of love is to doubt the fact that one is in love.

Love means faith. We must believe in everlasting love before we indulge ourselves into this heart breaking point in our lives.

Thus if you are in love, you have nothing to fear.

The Illusion of Love

by echez
Uploaded 21st Sep 2001

I've hiked through the mounts,
Fallen off cliffs, drifted on an iceberg and landed in the Alpes.
I've heard the sweetest birds sing for the devil.
Seen the wild hop the dance of death. I've felt the winds turn over the clouds,
The acid of the sea brush against supple skin, bringing forth the peel of dirt.
I've touched the scorch of fire,
Grasp the growing pear like vines.
The spewing flood, drowning the very fish which heed life in it.
And I have felt the silence - the hole in the universe
Where lambs seem a bedlam.
The is the black that blanks out the faith.
But amongst these, a magic wand waves the sky into the heavens
The illusion of love.

Breaking Up

by echez
Uploaded 27th Nov 2001

When anger overcomes you, you cannot control your fury, every harsh word in your system is released, you think not nor do you feel what she is feeling, as your heart becomes lighter hers fills with anger and the full fledged love she had for you is suffering from the frostbitten horror of your thoughts, your feelings, those things you promised yourself you would not ever mention to her but that you'd keep and accept. All of the things that you have accepted before, you can't anymore, you feel that every movement she makes gives you grief and it is all just a horrendous sight.

You shoved your love into the half frozen sea and watched her freeze and drown. Only then did you realize that she was the lifeline to your heart. She was the reason happiness dwells in your heart on those lonely nights. These nights when you think back at her, your regret flames inside you, you wonder why you allowed yourself to be like so, but no one is to blame. Just you.

What happens next? Your only love, gone and it's entirely your fault. You can only live with the mistakes that your stupidity has allowed. You're sad and you don't know what to do. She doesn't want to see you ever again, she says "we can be friends" but her speech is cold. She says everything is okay, you know they're not. You wonder what happened to all the love you two felt before, where it has disappeared to and why it won't come back.

Possible Reasons

One of the reasons this girl's feelings have become somewhat cold is because this is a self-defense mechanism. To avoid further hurt and disappointment, the person becomes defensive and may even end up being unkind and cold. One of the most essential things to understand is that this is simply self-preserving mechanism.

Often, we tend to think that we are in fact terrible people and that perhaps there is something wrong with ourselves, but this is never the case. The way that this girl reacts is something she has to do to carry on with her life. It is important for one to understand this, for only when we can accept that we have made a mistake and that we have to face the outcome of the result, have we begun to heal.

We must not try to hide our feelings, but try to understand them and let them be until they fade away. We must not feel sorry for ourselves, nor lose that self-confidence, because we all know that we have loved before and we will surely love again.

A tip that one of my dear friend suggested was that when you are happy and do not depend on others for happiness then things will go well and you will find that there are many more things in life than being sad and depressed.

Regret is something we will all feel but we will all learn from our mistakes and we will be great. There is no point in dwelling in the past. If you still love her, than do so, but know that life goes on, and only you can choose your path to happiness.

It's Just Today

It's Just Today
by echez
Uploaded 25th Aug 2001

Someone once wanted to know: - What comes out of hate? The answer lies simply in the face of the heart, when the peel of the orange squirts into your eyes and the earth starts rumbling and the water drowns your soul.

When you ask why, the reason is that you let happen, it is simply that you let go of your patience, the life line to your happiness.

You let your pain affect the world, you let the most significant person in your life just fade away. You didn't turn back to look, you didn't lift a finger when he fell into the ocean to become a feast for an urchant.

You were too absorbed in what people thought you didn't think of how the rainbow showed in the midst of the thunder. You didn't see the beauty in art of love, of the color of it's petals even in a dungeon of darkness.
You didn't know you had to pass through hell to get to heaven and how if you stayed inclined with the flames, you'd live the thorns of the hard desert floor.

Sometimes giving up a cuddle for the bitter wind outside is the only way we will learn that the cold is warm and that the warmth was the delusion held within, teaching us that termites consume our tree house.

When you're protected, you don't feel the tears of the sky, and you can't feel it's throbbing pain. It pastes' itself upon you, biting a hole into your sheild and piercing you.

Dates, Dating, Relationship

People often ask me, what is the difference between going on a date, dating, and being in a relationship, I could never really differentiate that before, and it didnt occur to me as being important until people started asking me, why I was seeing/dating/going on dates with so many guys.

I saw nothing wrong with the situation that I was in, I made known my intentions, merely to get to know a person more. Only when you get to know a person can you decide whether you would want to be in a relationship with them, and never the other way around. Is it wrong to have lunch or dinner with a guy, talking, laughing, and having a good time? Personally I dont think so. Does going out on this type of date mean that one is in a relationship? No it does not.

What is wrong with going out with A today, B tomorrow and C, the next day? It's just like hanging with your friends everyday.

Now if you regularly date, say A, then you guys are dating, getting to know each other better, perhaps just beginning to realise that there could, maybe be something more. You can still date people like D and E, coz they're just friends, but if you are serious about being in a relationship with A, then it is not recommended to be going on dates with other people.

Now if you and A decide to take it one step further, and start a relationship, then there should be no good reason to go out on dates, nor to be dating someone else.

When you meet someone, they're an acquaintance. You have every right to hang with anyone else.

When you go out with them once or twice for dinner, or lunch, or even a trip to the library, with intentions of getting to know each other better, you are going on a date or two, no big deal, still early, just friends getting to know each other, he might be completely not your type, this is the time to find out. Going on dates with other people is fine, as you're just getting to know other people.

When you go out with this person regularly, hang out regularly, more than just once or twice, you are dating. When you're dating someone, you're not in a relationship, you can go on dates with other people, you shouldnt, but if you feel that you want to, this is still the stage where it's okay.

When both parties make a verbal agreement to be each other's bf and gf, you are in a relationship. Two people in a relationship should be loyal to each other, they should no longer be dating nor going on dates. People that they meet or know should never exceed friendship, without benefits.

This is how I describe date, dating and relationships, I guess the point that I am trying to stress is that if you are in a relatoinship now, you made that decision because you really wanted to be this person's one and only, if you wanna mess around, dont get into a relationship.

If you and your person do not have a verbal initiation, or a mutual agreement that both of you are in a relationship, then you are not, and if you're not in a relationship then your partner is subject to date, although strongly advised against.

Do You Cry?

Le, Zt's bf asked me last night "do you cry?"

I told him, "I have cried more than Zt and you put together."

"How do you know?" He asked.

"How often do people cry?...Don't answer that. Just think about it. When people are in relationships they cry, when they break up, they cry, when they are disappointed at grades they cry, when they're parents scold them they cry, sometimes they cry for nothing, when something bad happens they cry, when they are stuck, they cry. Now add those together and tell me, how many times have you cried?...dont answer that...now take a look at me, and tell me that both of you have cried more than me."

"But you dont seem like a person to cry, you are so strong"

"What do you think made me this way? Everytime a person cries, they become stronger. Now tell me, do you doubt that I have cried more than the both of you put together?"

They nod, they didnt give me an answer, and they probably will never give me he answer, but it doesnt matter, one day maybe, perhaps they will have cried more than me, but it's not about who cries more than who, it's about what you learn what you go through that makes you stronger, and makes you the person that you are.

So yes, I do cry.

Type-I-cal Mine

I was reading about Twistedbrick's "The Type" and it finally got me thinking, in other words started me blogging again. I now realise where some of that inspiration comes from.

My type.

What is a type anyway? I never really stopped to smell the flowers on that one. Never really made a determination in that aspect. If a type means that you are setting limits to your interaction with people then I dont have one.

I was brought up to a dictionary that never contained the word dicrimination, and perhaps I realised that there are good people and bad people, and what they look like and what they have or do not have will never determine which catagory they come under.

Everyone starts out with a hundred percent, how fast that depreciates depends the flow of the interaction.
Back to types. If type refers to the characteristics in a guy that I prefer, I'd look for the ambition in a man, whether he is inspired in life, a sense of humor, and he has to smell, as twistedbrick says "devine".

Another thing I look for is the sense of security, whether that guy will be there when I need him, when I'm sad, will he be there, to hug me and be with me in silence with patience, through the pain.

People going away is one of the things I fear the most. It is one of the things that most often happens to me, so perhaps that is the strongest characteristic that I classify into my "the type".

1 Timothy 4:12

Dont let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

1 Timothy 4:12

Nomad of the Globe

I thought this extract by Jane Cecilie Heinze, was kinda cute.heh.

So what is a global nomad?

Basically, global nomads are shifted-around kids who've spent significant proportions of their childhoods in countries other than those where their parents have citizenship.

There are all sorts of reasons someone might be a global nomad. Perhaps your parents are missionaries, or one of your parents is a diplomat. Or just one or both of your folks has a job that requires moving to various countries every few years, and feels it's important to have the family along. Anyone who's spent several years in a country where neither parent has citizenship, I would count as a global nomad.

You'll be able to tell someone's a global nomad when you ask them one EVIL question.....


WHERE ARE YOU FROM????

A true global nomad will get this kind of hunted look, and sort of glance away, and go something like, "Well, I was born in ______ but I've lived in ______, ______, and ______, my mom's from ______, my dad's from ______, and I'm a citizen of ______. I've moved around so much because my (mom is/dad is/parents are) ______." Fill in the first seven blanks with country names (feel free to add as many more as necessary! or remove one or two), pick mom/dad/both, and name their occupation.

In my case, the blanks are filled in by South Africa, Israel, America, Jordan, Norway, South Africa, South Africa, dad, and diplomat.

There are some definite pros and cons to being a global nomad.

Pros:
You get to see the world. You're interested in foreign affairs, not because you're that type of person, but because you want to see what it's like in the places you used to live. You learn lots of languages. You experience all sorts of cultures and ways of life. Once you get to college, people think you're fascinating. You learn how to deal with all sorts of people, from all over the place.

Cons:
You leave your friends all the time (or if they're nomads, too, they leave you all the time), which means there will never be such things as high school reunions or seeing all your friends at the same time. You don't really have a place to call home, since you're partly loyal to all the places you've lived and loved. You can't relate to people in what's supposed to be your "home country". You feel like you don't belong anywhere, really.
But weighing up the pros and cons, I'm glad my parents gave me the opportunity to see so many places and be a part of so many different worlds. I think it's made me a more interesting person.

A Bee Bit My Arse!

No a bee did not bite me arse.

I got a B!!! My first MBA module, finally completed! I cant say that the result is excellent, but I can say that I'm totally happy with the grade. I didnt expect to pass at all, probably due to the fact that I made no time at all to study and do my assignment when I went for my visit, then again who would? and both the assignment were due a few days after I got back...add in some jetlag, and anyone'd be totally ecstatic about a B.

I'm glad that it started out this way, I'm so much more inspired to do better, in fact before the results were posted, I was almost sure that I had put to waste all the time and money that I had invested in persuing the course and had wanted to just stop spending my salary on this MBA sh*te, and perhaps travel the world, and spend all my time, money and youth, roaming around.

But this is good, dont know where it's going to take me, but worth doing never-the-less.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank God, my parents, my friends, my cousins and the people closest to me, that have influenced me to be the me I am today.heh, that'll be the beginning of my grad speech. Chyearight!

I feel that the events that have been happening this past month has really pushed me out of equilibrium, and I have to start to refocus on my goals. Look out for another list...

coming up next...encounters of Echez in America Part III, no time to write la.

Echez In America - Part II

The Getty Museum, that's where I went to. It was pretty nice, although I didnt really tour the museum. We went around looking at it's architecture and it was amazing I tell ya. Every where you look is a photo spot. You know one of those spots that some places allocate as their best scenery for photo shooting, well the whole place is a big picture. The buildings are designed to fit into the scenery around the building in that every where you turn, you'll find a nice picture spot. It was beautiful and the weather was nice. Cool wind, shiney sun.

After walking around half the day trying to take nice pictures. We got exhausted and decided to drive back, in which we got lost in Korean town, then we drove by the Staples Center and of course I had to check it out. It was good. I wanna check it out again before I leave.

Then we had dinner and then went to a bible study meeting and then to the supermarket and then back here. Home...I guess.

I'm off today at 5am, I need to get my notebook fixed with wireless so that I can do work the whole week. But now, I'm gonna get some sleep. Night. Miss you all... not that I actually saw you that often in the first place.

echez

Echez In America - Part I

Echez is in America! I got off the plane at LAX and there was immigration. It wasnt that bad except that I didnt feel well and the line was so so very long, just like the movies of people a hundred years ago immigrating to America with their worldly belongings held within that one duffel bag.

Anyways I went to the immigration counter and the man was so...how do you say...rude! He practically dropped a 5 pound stapler on the index finger that he needed my to place on the scanner thing.

Anyways he reprimanded me for not completing the form and said that he would send me back if he wanted to coz I didnt fill in the form. Heh, I am chinese I am not stupid. I speak better english than that guy.

Anyways he lets me go and I try to look for my bag, I find my bag upside down on the conveyer belt which had long been stopped. I picked up my bag and the lock was gone. I figured. Besides, whoever wants to steal my pink shirts and bras can do so if they wish, at any point in time, not just from my locked bag.

Anyways I took the bag, and went out to find my uncle. I couldnt find him so I changed 5 bucks of quarters, and tried his cell. It didnt work after I spent more than 3 of those dollars. I walked around and there he was. Whaddaya know.

I get to his house, I settle in and sleep, LA time 1am, Atlanta time 4am? I woke up at 5am LA time. Which was 8am Atlanta time, so I'm pretty much in wit the groove, no time lost.

Gtg going to the Getty Center, whatever that is, tell you bout it later.

echez in America

XD

WooooHoooo!!! I just wanted to announce that I do not know what XD is...Waahahahahahaa...I just thought that was so hilarious...! I think I'm getting dumber!!

Yessss!!!

I was thinking the other day about something I was discussing with a collegue, he was saying that no one my age would ever be able to catch up with me. He said that getting a degree at 20, working, and possibly an MBA by 23 is hard for some guys to accept.

I thought there's Ta!! And then I thought, omg, you're almost right! And then I thought, getting certs and awards doesnt mean anything...case in point the girl that no longer works with us. The chinese bimbo, who's friggin smart, got distinctions in her diploma and degree! And is a shittin dumarse.

And then I thought oh shiite! What if guys do feel inferior, then no one will like me....waaaaaaa....=(....I need become dumber!!!

And then I thought, well it all evens out when you get older, people gain knowledge through other things like reading and experience.

And then I thought, I know for a fact that there are so many people that are s much smarter than me. So what am I afraid of? So I block out practically 70% of the male population, I only need one! No big deal~

And then I think, what if the one meant for me cant accept that? And then I thought well if he cant accept me for the way that I am, then he's probably not the one anyway.

And then I thought, why am I thinking so much, and then I thought about why I was thinking so much and especially thinking about thinking so much.

XD And then I decided to stop XD

echez

Being Positive Has Never Been So Negative

You never thought it would happen to you, you never thought it would happen to anyone you knew, you hear of it often but never...not to you, you're a decent person...not the people you hold close, because they are loved...this could never happen.

It opens your eyes and makes you realise that it's all around us, you and me. It could be me, it could be you, it could be the girl standing next to you.

I was freaked out. I didnt know what to do, I didnt know what to say. I could not have ever imagined. I dont know what to do I dont know what to feel.

As I mock and make fun, I cant but think of how I would be, of how things would be, if my little piece of paper read - POSITIVE...

HIV positive.

All I can do is fear for the people around her, that she could have affected, the people in my life. I dont know where to stand. I cant but imagine how it would be like had she been someone close, I cant but imagine that it still could be.

The first thing I want to know is whether the people in my life are okay. The people that mean the world to me. I want to know that they are okay.

There's nothing I can do for her now, I advise her to let go of everything and live life like you've never lived it before. Nothing means anything anymore, just happiness, personal happiness.

I wish I knew how to handle it, I wish there was something I could do. But I cant.

The maid is HIV Positive.

Girls n Balls

Basketball with the girls. I finally got the girls to get off the bench and play. Believe me it's harder than you could ever imagine to get these girls to play basketball! Volleyball is fine, in fact everything is fine...only basketball isnt.

It was great. Basketball is a great place to meet people, especially guys. The girls always tell me that they wanna meet a particular person who plays b-ball, but since they aren't that into the sport, there's no way that they would ever have the chance to accidently purposely run into the person.

And then there's me. I play. I have always played. So they take the opportunity to watch me, of course the cute guys just so happen to be there and they just so happen to have checked them out, so it works out perfectly.

Thing is what if I'm not there? Then they have no good excuse. heh, so to solve all their problems, they just have to play for themselves. Though I'm sure that's not the reason that they joined me for ball that day. It is a good theory never the less. heh.
I said "hey, we're playing ball let's go" and they said "huh, waaan meh?" I said "yup" and that's how they were forced into basketball that evening.

We played with little kids, another girl, and three or four seasoned players - guys. It was pretty funny. Hopefully they had fun and they'd wanna do it again. It's not that hard a game once you get the hang of it. Girls won 5 out of 6 games. Heh! I think that was good for the girls confidence.

Anyways I dont tell them to do things all that often, well at least I dont make it seem like I tell them what to do. So when I actually do, it's an offer they cannot refuse.

Best part about basketball is having a drink afterwards. People talk about sports being a way to meet people. It's the going out for dinner/drink after basketball that makes the friends.

It's a completely cool, unintentioned gathering. Anyways you just had to be there.

Irony 101

Phew! I finally posted my hundreth post. It took me a week to figure out what to write. And I ended up posting what I wrote at the beginning of the week. heh. Now that I got that over with. I realised that there are so many opportunities that we overlook everyday of our lives. We often dont realise what we have missed because we were not aware that it was within our reach.

I was chatting with a friend just now and she was telling me about how she finally told the guy she liked how she felt about him. Thing is, she chose to tell him after he had found happiness in another. All along she figured that he didnt like her, that he wasnt interested in her. After all hadn't she given him all the clues? All the possible signs that she really liked him? Calling him all the time, calling him in the middle of the night, always asking whether he was free to see her, going to see him for no particualr reason, she must have given him a billion and one hints.

So she tells him that she'd liked him all along, and that although she wants to see him happy, she figured that she would never be able to do herself justice if she just never told him. He replies that he felt the same way, and asked her why she didn't tell him before. He says that he only looked at it in a different way, that he like her and he shouldnt like her because his close friend likes her. ( his close friend likes her too, but she's not really into his friend)

She realises that things would have been so different had he known. She wouldnt have had so many sleepless nights thinking about him, thinking about why he doesnt call, or why he never seems to want to talk to her. She would never have had to sigh a sigh of sadness and disappointment, every time his name was mentioned.

But alas, there's nothing that she could do. If he had really felt the same way about her, nothing would have hindered a relationship. Or are people really that loyal. would people give up something that they really wanted for friendship?

Would people give up friendship for love?

I know I would. Because if I ever find love. The real kind. I've give anything to have it, to keep it, and to cherish it. I do believe in love.

I believe that more often than not, it's an illusion. Perhaps I'll be lucky and find he real stuff. In the mean time, it's more illusions for me!

echez

~100~

This is my 100th post! Wooohhoooo! It is the mark of my writing career!In other words I'm a failure hah. Only like six people come here, and that's coz I dont email them so it's their only source into my life.

One of them my cousin, who visits out of sheer force. If you dont read my blog, I'll hurt ya..ahhh...the world of threat and blackmail...other two and sometimes three are my three and only best friends in the whole entire world...heh. Mg,Ka,and La.

Other people might be Gy, Ta, Hm, Rn, Pk, and Lk. And that's being optimistic.heh.

I think I like it this way because practically everything in here means the world to me. And I want to share it with you.

Everything that I have learned, I have learned it from you. What more can I give but to give you my world.

This blog will always be here expressing my thoughts about you, whether you dare or daren't read, it'll be here.

Neutrally Hilarious!!

I was hanging with Zt and HL today after work and we were
talking about everything all at once.

First we talked about how Zt saw FD3 and how she didnt see the first two, and how HL hadn't seen any of them, and how death has a planfor all of us and that if we're meant to die then death
is going to get us...etc etc.

Anyways, we traced ZT's roots and she's most susceptable to diseases. Since she's in between HL and I she's got the worst of both worlds. My side of the family, has a history of diebetes, HL's side, breast cancer.

So she's like, "*sigh* dont talk about death already, we all know that I'm most susceptable to gettin breast cancer, diabetes, plus I have asthma!"

HL brings up that it is debatable whether cancer is genetic or is caused by environmental factors. So I pitch in to explain how smoking causes cancer by killing your cells which means that they need to be regenerated. And in this process millions are killed and need to be reporduced and each cell that has to be reproduced whether it be cells killed by smoking or otherwise, has a chance of mutating from it's original DNA structure. This mutation could be cancerous, which means that it lacks the ability to stop multiplying and thus grows exponentially, out of control which causes a lump, and that is cancer...

In other words, I confused the heck out of the two of them. So again Zt says....yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna get all these diseases anyways.

Then we got into the topic that Bausch & Lomb Renue Contact Lens Solution made this one guy blind, so we shouldn't use that product for awhile. HL argues should the world really completely stop using a product just because one person is affected by it? For all we know the kid could probably have dripped acid on his fingers before he used the solution.

Zt says okay okay, I'm gonna grow cancer and we're gonna have to cut off my breast! Stop talking about this stuff.

EZ - Ya know that if your vagina is too alkaline that you could grow weird bacteria, and then you'd have to cut that off too!

Zt - the vagina is acidic?!

EZ - yeah! and sperm is akaline, did you know your face is not neutral, it's a little more acidic...or is it a little more aklaine...I dunno it's just not neutral.

HL - yeah the vagina is acidic, you know PH7

EZ - PH 7! not that much! you know PH7 is like the acid acid that'll burn a friggin hole in your skin, that's the strongets acid is PH7!!!

Zt - Wahahahahahah, ohhh....so that's why there's a hole there!

HL - ahahahahhaha

EZ - ROFL literally! Wait! wait! I wail!!! PH7 is alkaline laaaaa!!!! PH1 is acidic....ahahahahahah

HL - oh yeah ha...so sprem is alkaline and the vagina is acidic.

Zt - oh! oh! oh! Do you know how how to make neutral?! acid plus alkaline becomes neutral!!waaahahahaha!!!

EZ - hahahahaha...yeah,yeah yeah...and sperm IS alkaline! Haven't you ever felt it before? it feels like soap!

HL - you know have you ever tasted alkalline before? it taste nasty!

EZ - you cant eat PH 7 alkaline it'll burn you just like acid!

ZT - *sticks her tongue out like a lizard* you...you mean you've tried to taste the aciiid....hahahahahha

EZ - you sick virgin you!!! WTF is wrong with you!!

hahahahhaa

Funny, funny night...

*sigh*

People say that when you're scared, you run away...I think I'm running away. I guess it's a self preservation mechanism. As much as I enjoy being with that someone, as much as I hate saying no, as much as I want to see and be with a person all the time. I just cant let myself do it anymore. It's killin me.

People need their space. I can understand that. But it scares me. It's so unnatural that someone would "not" want to see me. Who wouldn't wanna see me? I'm not trying to be arrogant or anything, but I mean, if you like someone, naturally you wanna be with them. Naturally they'd be the first thing on your mind, right?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if someone says that they're into you, but doesn't contact you for like 2 weeks, even though they aren't very far away, and they could at any moment in time have picked up a phone and called, there's got to be a problem there right?

Either he's just not that into me, or...or...I really dont know....I just dont seem to understand...

*sigh*

echez

The Weekend

Friday - I have this splitting headache when I get home from work at like 10pm. After deciding that I have lots of reading to do for my assignment, there are people that I havent seen for like sooo long, I said to myself...frug it! I'm going to sleep. I slept.

2am I receive a call - En calls me. En! Wow. I never thought that he'd call. I never thought that he'd ever have anything to do with me after what happened years and years ago. When I broke his heart, I never meant for it to happen that way. Then again what was I thinking. It's been 6 years after all, and I met him a few months ago when he brought this gal with him.

I wake up. I'm pretty happy that he calls. I dont know why. Perhaps I never wanted to lose a friend like him to highschool "love". He taught me everything I know about basketball. He taught me about strength.

So I peel myself off my bed, take a shower, brush my hair and his friends and him are at the door. I got home at 4am it was pretty weird. Made me feel young again.heh.

Saturday - I refuse to wake up till 1pm, after all I have no plans today. I get up, pull a book and start reading. I get a call from Ta, the meeting is set for 3pm. Oh shucks! I promised ZT that we'd watch a movie...! shucks shucks shucks!!
I cancel. I dont know wether i was okay with cancelling, after all it's been 2 weeks since I've met Ta.

I hang with ZT. We have a good time. We always have a good time. I dont know what i would do without her.
We watch a chinese movie about breast cancer, it's kinda sad. Really romantic, funny. That's the sorta stuff I like...not breast cancer, romantic comedeous movies. (is that a word).

Anyhow, I get home, and I read 6 books! Okay so they weren't for my assignment, but still.

So Sunday I sleep in again. Till 1pm again. I read - again. And sleep - again. Until Monday, and even so I wake up at 8:45am for work at 9:30am.

So I got lots and lots of sleep. But I dont think I slept comfortably coz when I got up, my neck hurt, and my back hurt. Maybe it's coz with all that sleeping, I forgot to drink water.

I read that if you dont drink enough water your bones are gonna hurt. I guess that must have been it.

I played Volleyball on Thursday last week. It was great. I finally got some exercise. I think I felt much better after exercise. See now I have to exercise more.

I get addicted to exercise sometimes, but pbviously it hasn't happened for like a year, ever since I started working.

So back to the topic, wait what was the topic? Anyways I'm going to play basketball tonight.

Laterz.
Echez

We Are The People

Is the happiness still here? It's been a few days....usually it goes away, usually I think of all the bad things that are going on and I sulk at them and I feel that everything is going wrong.

Is happiness still here? Yes it still is! I'm still happy. But I realise that I have no one to share it with. Who is here to share these wonderful moments in my life? Who really cares that I'm working my arse off, and what I'm achieving. Perhaps my parents, but then again, as long as I'm not emabrassing them or asking them for money, they're happy about everything that I do.

Has my life resulted to dependence on man? Do I always have to have a guy there to share my thoughts with? To share my life with?

No one will ever know me. It's too late for that, there's not one person who has gone through life with me, there's not one person who has been with me through thick and thin, there's not one person who would ever be able to know nor understand me to the root. I feel so spread apart, I dont belong, there's no place for me, in anyone, in any place.

But that's okay, we become accustomed to having no one, or always having people who are going to leave. I cant say that I'm not the independent gal. I also cant say that I dont need anyone, I do need someone, everyone needs someone. Whether it be a guy or a gal. People need other people. I need someone whom I can share my world, and know that they're not going to leave with my hopes and dreams, happiness and pain.

I've given so much of me to people that I trusted would be there for me when I really needed them. Why did they go? Why did they take my thoughts and go?

Dont you know that I gave you all of me? I entrusted you with all my weakness, hoping that you would hold on to them and make me strong. Dont you know that it's gone now. Dont you realise that you have taken it away from me?

So often I have to start again, so often I'm let down. Is there anyone in this world? Anyone there just for me?

echez

The Great

Things are going great in my life. I've never been happier! Things aren't perfect, but they haven't been so great in a long time. Which makes me wonder, does hard work really pay off? Has it worked for me because I had my priorities set straight?

God has definitely helped me get this far.

But what else, of so many things that I f*cked up, I'm surprised that I am able to be here now, being who I am. I guess I shouldn't be questioning happiness. I usually dont talk about my happiness, I fear it will be jinxed. I fear it will all go away. But today I write in happiness.

I cant really explain this feeling. I know that many problems are going to arise, very soon. But today! Today is wonderful! I have no other way to express this.

Work is good, studying is smooth...social life...well...it doesn't matter. I spend so much time and energy to make things work out for me socially sometimes, it's not worth it. Nobody ever realises how much you put into it. Nobody ever realises your pain. Everyone's selfish. Can't blame them.

I think i have given up, and I think it's okay with me.

MBA II

Just got back from class. It was great! Wonderful! Exciting! I would have never imagined that it would be so interesting, so...me.

Just being int he presence of a group of people who have the same passion, inspiration, and goal to achieve. It's really great. Of course, it is the beginning of a whole new level of learning. There's going to be lots of sleepless nights and major planning and organisation.

One thing that I'm not going to let happen to me is to let this overcome me. It will be part of my life, but it will not consume me. Although I'm going to make major changes in my lifestyle, this course will not change the person that I am. It will not changed my character, and I will not let it affect the social person that I am.

I will take this opportunity to create bonds and ties that I would have never had the chance of doing so had this course not fallen into my life.

The funniest thing happened today. It was pretty amazing. I was in this Merc that one of my MBA mates was driving, we stopped off at a 711 to get some snacks. As we got back and parked this guy jumps out of his BMW, 5 series and enthuastically asks my calssmate what he did to his car because he has the same car and he wants to do the same thing to it. He asks if he could take a picture of the car too.

I started laughing. Apparently the guy followed us just to ask what rims the guy used and everything. Fanatics.

The guy in the BMW turns out to be from the US, and works in the Petronas Twin Towers as the CIO for a major company. The guy looks chinese lookin, and is quite the handsome one, and looks pretty young. Impressive. He was looking into doing a MBA as too, while he's in Malaysia. We recommended the one we were taking.

I'm impressed by his ambition.

Bridges

I had a great day today! I think it may have been one of my best days at work! It was just great, everything was flowing smooth, of all the days, I smiled the most today. Well, other than the memories of wonderful moments with those special people in my life.

If only you were here, you'd know all the things I wanted to tell you, that I couldn't and that I cant because I'd know that it wouldnt matter to you.

Every moment I wonder why I give myself away for you. What happiness do you hold for me? Is the man I see somewhere in between that wealth he seeks?I wonder how a soul like me could ever fit into your material world.I am a girl of gift. To receive on demand is no longer construed a similarity. This world is fake. Of words that mean nothing to their actions.

What ever happened to the marshmallowed dreams of love and life. Of happiness and clouds? Why the sudden thundered sky?

Dictation doesnt suit me well. My man will know that only the pure love for me can end his disheartened fear. I wonder how a hollow heart will grow.

MBA

I've finally started my MBA classes! It's great! I love it! I dont know why I never took business before. I didnt realise that it connects so much more to the outside world.

Engineering is something that happens behind the scenes, although it plays a major role in products being produced, it has no direct contact with the people! Products that engineers are designing, manufacturing, and planning major logistics for, people buy it use it and who cares about how much effort it took to make and how many people have actually inspected, rejected and reinspected the darnded thing. Long as in the end, it makes their life easier.

It's no wonder people always ask the question: "Soooo......What does an engineer do again?" or "What does an Engineer actually DO?"

So I went for my first 5 hour class, and the first time since highschool I didnt fall asleep! But not knowing anything about business, not coming from a business background, I feel like a dope, and that there is so so much stuff to learn and read.

I feel especially behind, which makes me wanna scream, and hammer the books into my head. I wish I knew more. Which makes me wonder, do people know all this general knowledge stuff because they have personally encountered it throughout their life, or just so happens that everyone that I talk to has read up and memorised all these things, and I'm 10 years behind?

I mean who remembers stuff like, oh, in 1986 Mc Donalds wanted to expand into India and they couldnt because indian people dont eat meat, especially beef, and so (insert whole marketing strategy here).

Perhpas people in the same industry would know the details, but people who aren't also know! Only I didnt know! What's wrong with me? And the people were like yeah! I saw that in the newspaper like 10 years ago! And I'm like SHIT. How am I gonna compete with people who have read and memorised newspaper articles since 1986? I can barely cope with reading the daily paper now.

I guess that's the difference between school college and friggin post grad studies.

More to come.

Sadness

About people in my life. Sometimes when people get so busy they forget about other people. I can say honestly that I tend to do that very often. I express my deepest apology.

I also realise that many people reciprocate this lack of ability to keep in touch.

This lack of social contact prohibits one to be complete.

Okay okay what I'm really trying to say is : - I'm sad. =(

You can be successful in everything that you do, you can have everything you've ever dreamed of having, everything can be going great, and running smooth, yet....you can be sad.

echez

Next Step in LIfe

So many things going on, so many hopes, so many things piecing together, so many things falling apart, all at once.

So many choices to make, so many things to consider.

No one here to understand. No one here to realise that beneath everything is just a girl.

Who wandered into wrong room at the wrong time. Who impressed he world with her stories of way and wonder.

My silent Philosophy of life is that if I think about it constantly and make my every move towards my goal. Sooner or later I'm going to get there.

I have been offered a position with a more attractive income, still technical, but a little out of engineering scope. Not much career advancement available. Reputible multinational company. Not engineering position.

My current company is showing advancement, it's getting bigger, and I am playing a part. They are also sending me for a half business, half pleasure trip to the US. There is opportunity for career advancement in this company, to a certain limit. Many new projects in which I can play a major role - maybe. Hopefully they wont keep me stagnant.

A major American company is contemplating whether they want to hire me, attractive position, attractive future benifits and salary increment, start salary almost the same mediocre amount I get now. More challenging job, need brains for this one. Perhaps I need to use some of it anyhow.

*sigh* Which is the wisest decision?

There is no wisest decision. I chose each and everyone of the jobs above, there's no deciding on the one I like best. I like them all. They all have their pros and cons.

Seems like they're all equally good. What should I do?


Daaaaaaaaaadddyyy!!!!!Heeeeeelp!!!!

Thing about asking my dad is that he will not advise, he will dictate. Nevertheless, his advice is important to me.

This is a good time for advice. Lord knows I need it!

echez