Casted

They plaster casted me today. A full cast. They took off my back slab, and first thing I said was, may I please please give it a good wash before you even come near. It was really gross, and that was only for a week.

This plaster cast will also only stay on for about a week so that the swelling can go down, and then a fibre glass cast will be put in for another few weeks.

It doesnt hurt that much, sometimes it just feels like it's going to explode, especially when it goes from it's elevated position into my standing position. The blood just rushes to the fracture, or whereever and hurts like mad.

Horrible throbbing in the mornings, and yeah, my foot too.

Anyways it's all good. I'm back at work, and we'll see what happens after that.

Broken Ankle

Yup! I'm broken. Went skateboarding on the 27th November 2008. Obviously fell. My ankle went 90 degrees the wrong way. But it felt like just another basketball injury, you know must have twisted it or something. Besides I walked all the way back to the ute.

Anyways spent the night, with Panadol, ice and elevated foot. And the next morning, throbbing, but with panadol and a subsequent 10 mins, all is good. I went into the hospital just to make sure that that it wasnt broken.

I asked the doctor and nurse on duty and asked whether they thought it was broken and the answer was na, shouldnt be broken coz if it were, it would be unbearable pain, so much so that you wouldnt be able to walk on it.

But X-rays were done and lo and behold! Fracture!~

And so I asked the doctor, what is the difference between fracture and broken? He says "nothing" fracture is a scientific word for broken. Anyways 6-8 weeks of cast and crutches for me. I cant wait.

I've always wanted a cast, since I was a little kid. It always feels so special and people will sign it and you can sit and read it all day. Lovely.

Went to the refinery's first aid and Dr. Joe says that it's fine to go back into the refinery, just that I have to do a risk assessment.

And so me being me, I had to ask him, what is the difference between fracture and broken? He cracked up laughing and said "nothing". "I've been trying to argue that with people for 30 years. But there is no difference between fracture and broken of a bone. There's single fracture, and multiple fracture and fracture with displacement and fracture without displacement, but there is no difference between fracture and broken.

But he did tell me that what people in the non-scientific world percieve to be a fracture is that there is a crack in the bone that doesnt go all the way through to produce "two bits". And broken means it has become two bits. That's hilarious!

Anyways verdict is still to come on whether I will be sent home or not.

"b"

Two years they said, two years and we would seperate. I never believed it, but he did. When I went to sleep at night, sometimes, the words would ring in my mind, "time will tell, you will leave me after two years."

It was like taking a bullet everytime the thought went through my mind. I love you with every fibre of my heart, how could I ever be the one to leave you? I couldnt believe it, I really didnt.

There were flaws, but I believed that he could overcome them, I thought that if I gave myself to him, that he would recognise it and give himself to me. I found out today, that he would never give himself to me, because he's a man, and men just dont sacrifice. They take and take and take and expect more.

Perhaps I didnt give enough, and of course, I have more to give, and yes, I was holding back. There's only so much I can handle you know. As much as I have this theory of suffering for my man, but my man just aint gettin it you know!

How hard is it to buy your girl chocolates? It's stupid and horrible, but I want chocolates! You cant just take and take and show no appreciation and take some more and have this idea that yeah, one day you're going to be nice.

I just dont think it's fair. I just wanted to be loved. I was in the relationship too.

Above all of this, above all the chocolates that I never got, all the hugs and kisses that I never got enough of. Above all of this, I wanted to be the mother of his children.

And I come home, and all of this is shattered. It's gone, it's never going to be the same.

I heard of dimples and roses since last December. And now I have to believe that they meant nothing to him. We spent 1 year together, and 1 year apart. He spent 1 year with me, and 1 year with someone else. And this I know.

And it sucks. It was not a one time thing, it was a 1 year thing and counting.

I am not the one for him, if I were, he would have bought me chocolates by now. And he wouldnt be calling another girl, "b".

Part Of Your World

(Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.
I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad.)

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters
Proper women sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

Darwin-Gove-Sydney-Perth-Karratha Oct08

On september 8, 2008, my grandma came to Malaysia, so I went to the airport to pick her up, just so happens I was flying to Singapore a few hours later. So I welcomed them to Malaysia, and they wished me farewell. My trip to Australia had begun.

I was supposed to be travelling with my boss Ra who was going to check in at KL Central. The tickets had been booked and all he had to do was wait in line and pay for the tickets and I could check in at the air port, and he would check in there and take a 45 minute train ride to KLIA.

So I waited and waited and waited. At first, I waited at the wrong check-in counter, coz rather than Tiger airways, I thought I was flying jetstar to singapore. Anyhow, I finally found the gate and they were just about to close, and my ticket had not been paid yet.

Finally, at the second, the payment went through and I had just enough time to rush to the gate and board my plane to Singapore.

My Singapore to Darwin flight was already booked and it was a connecting flight giving me a little less than an hour to get my bag, rush over to the low cost terminal and run onto the plane.

Another close call. Ra got stuck in Malaysia so missed the connecting flight from Singapore. So I was on my own. I sat in the plane and thought, what am I going to do, with barely any money, in a country that I have never been to, at midnight. The only thing I had with me was my courage, which was withering by the moment.

I arrived in Darwin, and there was no money for a hotel, only barely enough money for one cab ride. Recieved a message that I was supposed to stay at the Kaefer house. What the heck is a Kaefer house? What kind of house is that? The key is in the little box under the house...

I took the cab and he had his GPS, found the area and then tried to make his meter go by going, reversing, turning, reversing again. Come ON!!!! How far could No.8 be from No.10, and No.6? The answer is 5 dollars worth of turning, reversing, retracing the 100m again and again. Idoit!!! And then he asked me for 2 dollars extra! Which I didnt have so I didnt give him. AND he didnt have a receipt. Just got here and got screwed already.

Standing in front of gate No.8 a little past midnight I looked in, the surrounding area was total darkness. Trees everywhere, like woods trees not jungle trees. I went in and as I was walking through the driveway, I was thinking, is this the right house? What if it's someone else's house?

No one was supposed to be there, but I saw clothes hanging on the line. Was even more scarey because they were mens clothes. I turned the corner and saw a room with beds that were made up. The sliding glass door was already open. I wondered again, is this the right place? I stuck the key in the hole and it turned. There was only one key, so I figured, this must be it. I looked around for a bathroom, but there was none. The house was on stilts and I was at the bottom of the house. Upstairs was pitch black and I didnt have the guts to walk up the stairs and look for the bathroom.

I inspected the room, 3 single beds made up. One sliding door, curtains, air cond lights. I put down my stuff, turned on the air cond, closed the sliding glass door, and lay on the bed trying to sleep. I kept thinking, about the lights on or off, on or off. On means people would see me and know that I was there, and the glass door is totally not sturdy nor safe. Off would mean that people would not know that I was there and maybe they'd come to steal something on that notion, and rape me in the process or something bad like that.

So I made the decision, just turn off the lights, stop thinking and sleep, Ra would be here in the morning.

5am in the morning. I wake up, blurry eyed, I pulled the curtain, and I saw a family sitting at the table across the way. I quickly closed back the curtain hid and thought, shit, am I decent? Okay decent, I opened the door and went outside.

They stared at me as if I were a lost dog. So apparently, they were staying there too. And then I saw another car in the driveway, and I asked, hey do you have 2 cars? and they're like no, we only have one. And then it dawned on me that I had taken the only key and Ra had to sleep in the car.Oops.

So we did our medicals in Darwin, then moved into this beautiful hotel called Mantra something. Beautiful. I'd love to make up my house to be like that one day. There was a king sized bed which had a wooden sliding door. With the aircond blasting, it was bliss.

Ra and I had many drinks and were going to go out and have dinner at 10pm. And there was no food! All the kitchens had closed, room service had no food. Sheish. Come on people are hungry here!

Anyways after a few days in Darwin, we finally got to fly to Gove. At the airport there were bush fires, Ra, Buz and I walked all the way to where the fire was. It was amazing seeing a real live fire. The wind was blowing there was a huge cloud of smoke, when the wind blew, it just devoured the trees and dried up grass, like a huge wave overcoming the land.

In Gove I checked into my room in the G3 Village. It's like a whole bunch of containers which are made into rooms for one. There's a bed, fridge, Tv, bathroom and a desk all in. Every room is the same. It's pretty awesome, I had no idea that living in a container could be so comfortable. I had thought that I would be living in bunks with no aircond etc. But it's like a hotel room, they change your towels twice a week, they change your bed linens every week. Awesome.

At night all the guys would sit outside their room having a few beers, I'd just walk around, and everyone is so nice and friendly. They all say "How ya goin?" In which I never know what to say. I always say "Hey!" I hope I dont come off as being rude.

So I stayed in Gove for a month. I had a great time, and then suddenly, I was off to Karratha with but a few hours notice.

I flew from Gove to Cairns, then to Sydney, where I met St, Cl and Je. Next day flew from Sydney to Perth, Perth to Karratha. And here I am, in another village.

I had no idea that there were these kinds of places, it's like a town by itself in which everything is accounted for, everything that you could ever need is here. Food, laundry, accomodation, I think it's great, simple, all done for you, you dont have to think about house stuff, all you do is work and hang out. I wonder if I'll ever get bored...

So here I am...

Australia

I'm leaving today! I'm going down under. Am I excited? YES.

Happiness!

Relationships are hard! They are really HARD! You HAVE to put effort into it! You have to suffer and GIVE! You have to sacrifice the things that you want for the benefit of the relationship!!

There's no two ways about it!

You cant just claim your partner and then expect it to be happy! You cant just say that you want to be in a relationship, and want your partner to be happy and then do NOTHING!

You cant promise to be together and promise to be a couple and be in a relationship and then live your life ALONE!!

A relationship consists of TWO people! Both of which you have to take care of! You CANNOT be selfish! You CANNOT just hope and EXPECT things to magically turn out alright!!!

YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR IT! Just like everything else in life!

The sooner people FIGURE THAT OUT, the sooner they and their partner will be HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When

When all this in our life is done and over with, when the frowns melt away and the smiles reappear, there will be nothing left.

A heart, numb in it's own pain will give a souless smile. It will stare into colored world and find the shades of all the hurt.

There will be nothing more.

Love is... giving him the power to destroy you... but trusting him not to.

You know you're in love... when the hardest thing to say is... goodbye.

It hurts when you have someone in your heart... but... you can't have them in your arms.

Never break the heart that truly loves you.

Never hold her hand if you're gonna break her heart.

She

She, she screams in silence,

A sullen riot penetrating

Through her mind,

Waiting for a sign to smash the silence

With the brick of self control,

Are you locked up in a world,

that's been planned out for you?

Are you feeling like a Social tool without a use?

Scream at me until my ears bleed,

im taking heed, just for you

She, she's figured out, all her doubts

Were someone else's point of view,

Waking up this time, to smash the silence

With the brick of self control.

Greenday

She

You see her in your mother, in your grandma, in all your aunts, in the wives of your friends, on the park bench when you walk by. You see women uplifting their men, taking the best of care of their men. Giving everything to their men. They look so wonderfully happy, and you envy them.

Your only wish is to find a woman that will take care of you the way your mom takes care of your dad. You set your mind and heart to find a woman who will be your flower all the time. You find a girl and she is so selfish, she demands so much from you, and never seems to take care of you at all, and you feel you have to keep looking, for another girl, you have to keep looking for that one who will take care of you.

A wise man told a demanding husband, do you know why my wife treats me like I'm a king? Do you know why she takes care of me although I am sick and cannot do anything. It is not because I am lucky, it is not becuase she was born and bred like that. It's because when I could, I treated her like a queen.

So many men just expect their woman to be there for them. But they werent there, when he treated her like a queen, when he gave himself, everything, physically, emotionally, everything. You werent there when he gave her everything.

Nothing

There's this little aching pain that has been there for about a week. I thought if I slept on it, I'd wake up in the morning and it'd be gone, just like all the other days. But I wake up and it's still there, I go through the day and get myself busy to take my mind off it, but it's still there. When I get home, that little annoying ache doesnt seem to want to dissolve away. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel as if any little thing will make me start bursting into tears.

About two days ago, I was driving, and an ambulance passed by and I almost started to break out into a hysterical wail. I'm a nutcase!

I know what it is. It's too much of nothing. Too much of not getting what I want, too much of not knowing where I am, and where I'm going. Too much of negligence from people I really want to care for me.

I'm searching for attention. Let's face it, I'm a people person, and with no people, I'm a nothing. Who am I going to smile with if I'm always alone? How am I going to give away my love? How am I going to express myself?

I am a funny girl, I laugh and make people laugh. Where is my laugh going to go now? I havent laughed for so long, I think it might have shriveled up, and dropped off. And trust me, that's NOT a good thing.

One weird incident awhile ago, my mom stared at me (weird) and she said, you know what, when you dont smile you look so evil, so angry, and deviant. Well, anyone who doesnt smile would look unhappy. There's just no good reason why a person cannot or does not smile.

Unless they are unhappy. Unless they are depressed! :O I think I might be depressed.

But who am I kidding. I know I cannot be with a man that does not make me laugh. I cannot be with a man in which I have not truely smiled for years. I am trying you know. I try so hard. But I get no good response. I mean why am I with someone who can do without me? I need someone to need me, so that I can give him what he needs, so that I can be there for him. That's what I want is for him to need me. But he doesnt need me, he doesnt need anyone. He's self sufficient. In every way, and I mean every.

There is nothing that I can give him that he doesnt already have, or that he cannot provide for himself. If there was anything, I'd so love to know.

Yummers!

Went for a drink after work the other day with La2, I think I might know 3 La's now...anyway, we went to Sunway for a beer and then we went to this amazing Thai food place! I cant believe what I've been missing out on. It was really good, and really spicy! Everything was really spicy! And dessert!? I can't believe I've never had it before! There's these little jelly ballies and coconut milk stuff, and on the bottom is like Gula Malacca (I think it's kinda the equivalent of brown sugar). Yummers!

Anyway it was fun. I just found a new resturant to take my friends to! Thanks La2!

Terengganu For A Sec

Yesterday I went to Terengganu. The first time I've been there. I went to Kerteh and Paka. They're actually really close to each other. It was a 5 hour drive there, and a 5 hour drive back. The site visit lasted and hour and a half. So I was there the whole day!

It was painful. Just sitting there in the car, with someone who you dont really click with. Horrible. The guy wasnt horrible, just the situation was horrible. If I went with someone that I was more comfortable with it would have been so much better. But then it wasn't for vacation, it was work so, iz kool.

So it was pretty much trees all the way there and then when I got there it was just another small town. There were some extra weird things like Keropok Lekor, which I didnt try. There was this one thing I had that I have never had before. I'm not sure whether it's specific to Terengganu, but I've never seen it before. It was okayla, the lychee taste covered most everything else, but it was different. No idea what it's called.

More later...

Cendol + Lotsa Fat!

So I finally got my cendol, but it wasn't that great. I was disappointed. But oh well. I went to 2 pasar malams in the past week. I dont really like pasar malams coz it's so crowded and HOT! It makes me all hot and sweaty and gross! But I had 2 corns on the cob, and lots of fried chicken. It was very unhealthy! Aaaand, last week at a bbq(dont know how to spell it) my collegues did chicken butt! And usually I'd not even think about eating it, but I did!!! It was nasty, the thought was nasty, but I did try it and it tasted like fat. I felt it more than I tasted it, I swear I could feel myself getting fatter, and my arteries clogging.

Oh aaand...I went to eat this humungous(spelling really bad) cow leg at a malay resturant. I think they call it "gearbox" but I'm not really sure that's the real name of it. Basically, it's a huge bone with cartilidge and bits of meat in a soup. Yum yum, it's the first time I had it. Oh and plus they give you a straw and you have to suck the shit outta the middle of the bone. It's probably the bone marrow or something(looked and tasted like fat to me). Again....I could just feel myself getting fatter, again, arteries clogging...

Ice Kacang

I had Ice Kacang today, I wasnt really in the mood for it, I actually wanted Cendol, but my friend ordered wrongly. Oh well, it was good anyway.

It actually didnt look like that when I got it, but I forgot to take a picture of it till half way through so that's what you get!

Oh yeah! AN's wedding is tomorrow. Everyone in highschool is getting married! Ol got married years ago, and even has 3 kids! Let's see, Gr is getting married in August, Fe got married. So did lots of my childhood friends. *sigh*

I dont really know why I'm sighing, maybe coz I'm not sure about my own situation. And I wish I did.

Unfair

I've been ambushing everyone I meet with questions and queries about working on site. I tell everyone how it's so unfair that I am not allowed to work on site just because I'm female. I'm not a hardcore feminist, but I cant understand why I'm not allowed to?! I'm bigger and fatter and stronger than most the guys I see going for the jobs. I have the same if not more education in the same field as they. The only difference I can see is that I'm female!

I talk to clients, senior personnel, engineers, technicians, even the general workers about my situation, everyone knows how passionate I am about getting my hands dirty. I want to do it! This is what I want to do! I'm that kind of person!

Anyways I think alot of people say that they support the direction that I am going, but when it comes to the real deal, it scares the shit outta them, they know that the chances for it to work out for me is really slim, so they say alot of things about how ya, they should let me go, and sure there are other girls etc. But when it comes down to taking the first step in putting me in the field, they hesitate.

I really think it's alot of bullshit and just downright unfair.

Meds

Those are my meds. I've been sick for so so long. The two in the white little plastic baggies are for phlemgn(however you spell it - it's that greenish yellow shit that gets stuck in your throat and doesnt come out, and in the end you tend to just swallow it - yucks!) and pain, lots of pain going on here.

Anyhow, I've had this snapping, crackling, knocking sound around my shoulder blades for years and years, and everytime I go to the doctor, they say it's coz I slept wrong, and that it'll go away, and they never give me anything for it.

But the doctor that I've been frequenting this past sick phase, has been a a real gem. I've been accumulating all these little symptoms like back aches, shoulder aches, joint pains, weird unsual things happening to me that just wont go away. They're not so bad to the extent of fainting or anything, but annoying pains.

So this doctor, who helped me heal my red eye, my flu, cough, etc gave me this glucoseamine sulphate. It's a supplement that old people take when their joints are worn out and there's no more lubrication left, so there's friction.

My mom takes them, they're for old people, and of course, sports people who have worn out their joints. It's so sad. I'm old and worn out. So hopefully this stuff will rejuvinate me...lol...the doctor has given me a months worth of glucoseamine sulphate supplements. My mom buys them for like RM1.50 per tablet. That's the other cool thing about it, my company pays for it and they dont even ask me about the money.

But if they did, I'd pay them. I need to feel better soon! One of the reasons I cant sit for long periods of time is becuase of this damn back/shoulder pain, so I can't wait till it goes away!

echez

It's Sick!

Sick! I've been sick for like a month. It all started when I went wall climbing in late February. I was looking up at the rope and some shit fell into my eye. I dont know whether it was chalk, or rope debris, or maybe it was just my eyelash. Doesnt matter coz the next day, green shit kept coming out of my eye, made me see things all blur. As if life doesnt already do that to me! What a drag.

So I try to get rid of the shit, but it keeps coming back every 3 and a half seconds! After about an hour of constantly rubbing my eyes out. It turns red and I start involuntarily crying out of one eye!

I slept on it and the next day, my eye is still red, so I go to the doctor, and he gives me eye drops.

Love the eye drops. Day after that, my eye is better again! No more green shit coming outta my eye! My joy lasted about another hour before my other eye started turning red.

F*ck!

It takes another day to get rid of the red eye thing, which was then replaced by severe sore throat! Which lead to irritation which caused a coarse cough. I went to the doctor again, and he gave me all these pills to take etc.

Coughs never go away! After two weeks of profusely coughing, I get this horrible stomach pain, which, luckily lasted only 18 hours flopping over in my bed.

Last week I was finally relieved that all the viruses had gone away, and I'm finally back to my old self again, and this morning, I wake up and my nose is sniffy. And I feel a cough coming up.

Please not again! Leave me alone!

A Love Letter

You're right my darling, the past will never leave. Your past, my past. It'll always be there. Your past has made you who you are, just as my past has made me who I am. Through you I am trying to accept that.

I have pictures, just as you do, the ones of my past, the beautiful scenery, with another person in the foreground. Just as you see her as just a moment in past, and never in the present.

It is hard to live in this life. With so many variables in the air. So many things to be afraid of. But when reality comes into focus, I, myself have to be rise above all of that.

You and I are together now. You have chosen me, and I have chosen you. Can I do my best to make it work? Isn't but my own choice to stay or to leave? I believe that God has put us together, and he will seperate us if it is meant to be so. If you try, I will try harder. If I try, it is my only hope that you will try harder.

For only when we put effort into our relationship, will it progress successfully. People will only leave you, if you let them, if you didnt put all your effort into making them stay.

I dedicate my life and my love to you.

My Support Systems

Man... I really dunno what to say... all I can say is is this what you want? After all the disappointments and the heartaches? As long as you can say yes... then it's really up to you to do something about it. I can only show you support with whatever decision you make.

Please don't cry. It breaks my heart to know that you cried and I'm not there to comfort you. But crying is good for the soul so cry away. I just wish I'm there when it happens as what you have done for me. *grateful*

*sigh*...What a cruel world we live in. I wish everything works out for the best for you. Love. Career. Future. Family. I hope you can find your true path soon and not to stay on par forever. There's still so much more we can do in this world and I hate for us to waste our lives for something that's not worth it.

You are still young. You still have a couple of years ahead of you. Perhaps you still can make a couple more mistakes before you are forced to grow up. So enjoy life now. Don't be too uptight and upset ok?

Ai... I'm not the right person to give words of wisdoms. Look at the mess I'm in. The thing is... with relationships... we have to play it out the best we can. As long as we know that we have done nothing wrong and have give it our best shot, then there's nothing to regret.

So... keep it all together ok? Be strong and may God bless you.

I'm always here for you.

<3<3♥ming>

This Is The Best List Yet!

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
30. I want to be Madonna.
31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
41. I love it when you're sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
44. I like porn.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
50. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.

~taken from CHoPs Myspace~

Me = Definitely an 80's Baby!

You're an 80's kid if:

1. You ever ended a sentence w/ the word "SIKE"
2. You watched Pound Puppies
3. You can sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
5. You yearned to be a member of the babysitters club and tried to start one of your own.
6. You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on "Blossom"
8. Two words: M.C. Hammer
9. If you ever watched Fraggle Rock
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales"
12. It was actually worth getting up on Sat morning to watch cartoons
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head
14. You saw "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen
15. You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class. (YES! Hahaha)
16. You had a clip that held your shirt in a knot at the side
17. You played the game MASH (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it
19. L.A. Gear... need I say more
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in kindergarten
21. You remember all of the Ramona books
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing (some head to toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson REALLY looked like
26. You ever wondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf
27. You took lunch pals to school
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets (Those really hurt)
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence
30. Barbie and the Rockers were your fav band
31. You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up
32. You thought your childhood friends would never leave you b/c you exchanged friendship bracelets.
33. You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes (and probably in neoncolors)
34. After Pee-Wee's Big Adventures you kept saying "I know you are but what am I" (First Grade at Tavan)
35. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up" (Hahaha - Clap On, Clap Off)
36. You remember skating before inline skates
37. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip-n-slide
38. You had a Skip-it (LOL!)
39. You had or attended a b-day party at Mc Donald's
40. You've gone thru this nodding your head in agreement
41. "Don't worry, Be happy!!"
42. You wore like 8 pair of socks over tights w/ high top Reeboks
43. You wore socks scrunched down
44. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK"
45. Boom boxes vs. cd players
46. Both Gremlin movies
47. "CARE BEAR STARE!!!"
48. You remember Rainbow Bright and My Lil Pony Tales
49. You thought Doogie Howser was hot!
50. Alf, the furry brown alien from Melmac
51. New Kids On the Block when they were cool
52. Knew all the characters and their life stories on the ORIGINAL Saved by the Bell
53. Know all the words to Bon Jovi- SHOT THRU THE HEART
54. You just sang it to yourself
55. You remember when Mullets were cool
56. You tight rolled your pants
57. You owned a banana clip!

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

~Leo Buscaglia~

"You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.".

~Kahlil Gibran~

"All you have shall some day be given; Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors."

~Kahlil Gibran~

"In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love."

~Mother Teresa~

A Return To Love

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

- marianne williamson -

Be

"I called her first because I miss her the most."

Trauma

I got this message from facebook today. I havent checked my acocunt for awhile and I get this message.

February 10 Syl Lim sent you a live gift named Mouse and it just died. Hopefully next time Syl Lim sends you a live gift you'll take better care of it.8:47pm

It's traumatic! I had no idea that I received a gift named Mouse, but I'm glad that I know now, that I had received a pet named Mouse who is now dead.

It's like thanks!...

redlemongrass

I'm a little bit calmer now, I'm not going to apologise for my foul language. I say fuck alot in normal circumstances, and when I'm mad even more so.

We use to be in a relationship. I helped him out alot, in every way that I could. I always thought it would get better.

The way he'd always be out drinking, gambling, being a gangster. He loved that. After awhile it gets worse, after awhile all you have is fights and arguements.

I've always been a patient person when it comes to relationships. I give you whatever I think you might need, and I give you whatever you might want.

I also expect the same, I expect more.

All my friends ask me why I am so attracted to guys who are so destructive. Who are...assholes.
I dont know why.

I always keep on thinking that perhaps one day they'll be nice to me, perhaps one day they will tell me that I am beautiful.

Perhaps one day they will tell me that I am a princess, and lift me up from all this pain and prop me upon a cloud of cotton candy.

They're good people, I can see that they're good people. Maybe they just dont show it to me. Maybe they just dont realise how they're slowly killing me, with every minute of their being.
With every assumption they make, every tear they twist out of me.

When Jesus was suffering on the cross, He asked God to forgive the other men for their wrong doings. While He was being judged, suffering and in pain. He saw the good in those people.
I'm not Jesus, I'm not even a good person, but I can see good in people. Just as people can see that these men, are hurting me so much.

Maybe I'm supposed to be bleeding in pain before it becomes better. Maybe the bleeding will lead to death - who knows -

fuck off tblg!!

You are a fool to even begin to imagine that I would give a fuck about you, much less forgive you! 7years, 10 years, fuck a hundred years. Just fuck off!

When you did those things to me, those things that if I had a voice to speak then, I would have let them fucking kill you!

Damn mother fucking bastard son of a fucking bitch!!!

Fuck you! Fuck you! It is NOT wrong for me to say Fuck you!!!!! For all the fucking mess you put me through! That I will never be the fucking same fucking person! That I will never get a fucking good nights sleep for the rest of my fucking life!

Fuck you! Go to FUCKING HELL!

Take your drunkass mother fucking violent sonofabitch back to your dump of a house and live in your shit. DO NOT contact me! DO NOT Email me, DO NOT think of me, dont even think about thinking about me!

Fuck off and dont come back! Bastard !-

the past meets the present and that is all.

Dear echez,

How r u? I know it is very wrong for me to contact u. I know I have done alot of wrong thing to you and you dont want to hear from me again but I have to tell you that I am sincerely sorry for the things that happened between us. Everyday I regret for the things that I have done to you, you never deserve such a treatment. You are a beautiful woman, your heart is more beautiful then your very pretty smile. You were always there for me, even in the times when I didnt have anything and even in the times that I treated you wrongly. I learned alot from you although our age is so different.I hope that one day that you will forgive me, I am not mad at you for leaving. At that time I am very angry, but I dont realise that you mean everything to me.Even after so many years we did not contact.I can still think of our memories that we had together in the past. Try to remember the happy things we have together, I know that you also can remember we was very happy together. echez, can you please forgive me?

love.
tblg

Thinking Again

Merry Christmas! I had a 6 day long holiday...it's been great. I got to spend alot of time with people I love. There were fights, but that's usual.

I did alot of thinking about trust. You never know about another person, you will never know. People are naturally secretive. Sometimes people have whole second families. I have personally watched my long time friends go thru this. I dont agree with it at all, I wont judge them, but it scares the shites out of me when it comes to my own relationship.

The trustworthiest of people sometimes are the very ones that indulge in this.

I am very concerned about other women, I am scared that I may not be good enough, that I might be so annoying sometimes that one may have to go out looking for a way out - someone
else. To flirt with, to mess around with, just for then, if they turn out better, then it's 'be gone' to me.

I put alot into my relationships. Perhaps it's too much sometimes. I give up everything that I have and that I ever wanted, for something above that. Something that's supposed to last forever.

I realise that my insecurity has something to do with myself, and my ability to trust another person, yet on the other hand, they say that a person has to earn another's trust. Many a time I have felt that another person doesn't trust me, not becuase they are bad people and they should trust me but dont, but becuase I have not earned their trust. Because at one point or another, I have shattered the trust, and it has to be built up again.

Why when it comes to me trusting other people, it's always that I just have to trust more.
There's something wrong with me, I'm not trusting enough. How come when it's my turn to trust, there's no building involved. It's like just trust me or f*ck off.

I guess the point of the matter is that I believe that it's true, trust has to be earned. And when you mess up, you just have to expect that the trust that was given to you once, has to be rebuilt.

There's really not much point in talking about it really...trust is a feeling that's just there. You either feel great and trusting, or you feel like shit and insecure.

I guess I'm a little distraught about the fact that some people want to share their life with
another person, yet, keep themselves closed. They dont share. They just want you to share.

You give so much and they just sit there, absorbing, sucking up your inspiration, your optimism, your youth. And in return, you get neglectance, total disregard sometimes, of even your very presence.

Sometimes I cant understand why two people who are supposed to be sharing their lives
together, cant mention or talk about other friends, or anything else in their lives. If there is nothing to hide, why hide? I dont want to pry into details and secrets, but I dont want regular things to be hidden from me, if they are, as said - regular.

There are so many things I want to say, so many things that I am now so afraid of. There are so many questions that I want to ask but am afraid. I have so many doubts that I am just going to sweep under the rug. I am going to pretend to trust even if the trust level is at the bottom line. Perhaps if I pretend, one day I'll really believe it.

If a person really loves another person, I believe that they'll understand the hurt caused by them, and if they truely truely love a person,they will know, they'll feel it. There's nothing left, but me telling myself that I should go on, despite that every cell in the mind, body and soul says no.

I need more security. I guess it's the little things that makes things real. If you love me, show it. Dont say it, and then just leave it as that. There are things that women need. Like attention, care - care meaning care about little things just as much as big things.

I think men dont understand that. Once they got the girl, they stray away, and expect the lady to just be there and take all of the neglectance, they give up their lifestyle to suit their man, yet it's never appreciated.

Alot of women would argue with me over giving up their lifestyle for a man. It's a feminist thing, about how women shouldnt have to give up who they are, just for a man.

For me, it's not about giving up something, it's about giving. That's it, giving. I will give everything to my man, but I need him to realise that I am, and appreciate that, from the bottom of his heart.

I need him to embrace it, and not take advantage of it.

She

Driving down the freeway, she'd drive, far far away. Clutching the steering wheel, tears running down her cheeks. She'd see the world blur in front of her. But it didnt register, it didnt matter. The heart, her heart, oh how it hurt. How many thoughts ran through her head, but oh, how her heart, how it hurt.

She use to have a place to drive to, the road just seemed shake loose the horrible pain. As she'd reached a familiar face, she'd have driven it away.

Many thoughts, many many thoughts. For hours she thought, of all the things that she didnt want. Of all the things that she didnt really care about anymore.

So easy it would be, just to leave it all behind - how selfish, yet how relieving.

It was her, her fault, that so many people were so hurt today. So many days.

Oh how easy it would have been - How selfish.

She doesnt know where she's going now, she cant see in front of her. The fog is thickening around her, it's hard to breath. It's hard to bear.

She's breaking down, it's a disaster. Everything around her is pulling her down,grabbing at her and she can't breath.

She stops, this is it, this is the place. It's been but a few months since she'd left this place, didnt realise she'd come back, looking for the peace it gave.

Staring in to the cloudy night sky, where not one but two souls use to stand. She wipes away another tear, and tries for a deeper breath.

Being far, being alone in her already lonely world, it was unreasonable, but there was so much reason in it. So much hope.

Staring into the nothingness - she realised - it doesnt really matter - nothing does.