Sure

It's the last of 2009. 

It's time to move on.

Goodbye - yes...to you.

Once it's gone, it'll never be the same again.

Don't Cry

Talk to me softly

There's something in your eyes

Don't hang your head in sorrow

And please don't cry

I know how you feel inside I've

I've been there before

Something's changing inside you

And don't you know

Don't you cry tonight

I still love you baby

Don't you cry tonight

Don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby

And don't you cry tonight

Give me a whisper

And give me a sigh

Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye

Don't you take it so hard now

And please don't take it so bad

I'll still be thinking of you

And the times we had...baby

And don't you cry tonight

Don't you cry tonight

Don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby

And don't you cry tonight

And please remember that I never lied

And please remember how I felt inside now honey

You got to make it your own way

But you'll be alright now sugar

You'll feel better tomorrow

Come the morning light now baby

And don't you cry tonight

And don't you cry tonight

And don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby

And don't you cry

Don't you ever cry

Don't you cry tonight

Baby maybe someday

Don't you cry

Don't you ever cry

Don't you cry

Tonight

Andy Lau - You Are My Lady

Yi ge nü ren jiu jing wei le she me

What on earth would a woman

Hui zuo zhe yang xi sheng
Sacrifice so much for?

Yi ge nan ren jiu jing fan le she me
What crime could a man commit

Hui rang ni ru ci xin teng
That would let you feel such anguish?

Wo zai ren qun zhong si chu bu ting kuang ben
In this crowd of people, I run in all directions

Zhi wei le zhao hui na yi fen zhen
Looking only to get that piece of true love back

Yi fen bu ke neng de zhen He yi ci bu ke neng de wen
An impossible love, and one more impossible kiss

He yi ge bu ke neng de ren
And an impossible person

Liu zhu ni yi wen yi chun
I'll keep your kiss, your lips

Zai wo xin zhong ni shi wo de nü ren
In my heart, you are my woman

Liu zhu ni shen qing yan shen
I'll keep your affectionate eye-expression

Wo qing yuan huan ge fang shi qing ni zuo wo de nü ren
I'm willing to change my ways if you'll be my woman

Ji ran bu neng hao hao gen wo yi sheng
Now that it's impossible to be with you for life

Bu yao gu fu qing chun OH BABY
Don't disappoint youth, oh baby

Wo zhi qiu ni ji zhu yi ci yong heng
I just want you to remember this one eternity

Na yi shun hui mou shi fen
The moment when we turned our heads away

Xiang ni zhe yi ge zhi de ai de nü ren
A woman deserving of love, like you

Jiao wo zen bu neng wei ni xin teng
How could I not feel anguish for you?

You yua wei he bu you fen You meng ye wei he bu cheng zhen
How can we have fate, but not destiny? Why won't these dreams come true?

Liang ke xin peng a zhuang a yi sheng
Our two hearts are colliding for life

Liu zhu ni yi wen yi chun
I'll keep your kiss, your lips

Zai wo xin zhong ni shi wo de nü ren
In my heart, you are my woman

Liu zhu ni shen qing yan shen
I'll keep your affectionate eye-expression

Wo qing yuan huan ge fang shi qing ni zuo wo de nü ren
I'm willing to change my ways if you'll be my woman

Mei you ren yuan ba xin ai de ren
No one would be willing to to let someone they loved

Rang ling yi fu chun shen shen yu ta re wen
Be caught in a passionate kiss from other lips

Nan ren bu dong de qu fen Shei shi yi sheng de ban lü
Men just don't know how to realize who is their lifelong partner

Cai wu xing yi hai nü ren OH
So they hurt women without leaving a trace, oh

Liu zhu ni yi wen yi chun
I'll keep your kiss, your lips

Zai wo xin zhong ni shi wo de nü ren
In my heart, you are my woman

Liu zhu ni shen qing yan shen
I'll keep your affectionate eye-expression

Wo qing yuan huan ge fang shi ai wo de nü ren WO
I'm willing to change my ways to love my woman, oh

Cuo le guo le shi yuan fen Ni liu de shen de shi shang hen
Affinity passed us by, and you're left with scars

Zu gou wo hui wei yi sheng
It's enough for me to ponder over my life

AI ni xiang ni dao yong heng Wo pan a wang a ni de chun
Loving you, thinking of for eternity, I yearn for your lips

He shi neng yu ni zai shen shen de yi ge wen
When will I be able to kiss you deeply once more?

Intrinsic

There is a love so deep that it surpasses any physical attribute that exists as matter. There is a touch, a taste, a hug and cuddle that grasps firmly at the heart yet not in struggle, in a fierce gentleness so great it cannot be contained. As bodies intertwine with an intense passion, the purity of warmth, the air light, twirling in it's midst. It's not enough to smile. There is no expression prominent enough to give it the justice it deserves.

My skin, touching  your skin, your heart touching my heart. And in an instant the world around you disappears. A shield around two bodies naked in the night. Tenderness radiates, circulates, emanates. I look into your eyes, and you look into mine. And we know.

I do not want to plan anymore, all I want to do is live my life, with nothing in my mind. If I lose my job, then I will do the things that I want to do. I will travel the world and live off of gruel and odds and ends. Until I find my way again.

I am lost.

Indigo

He looks for me in the dark, when the moon dresses for an evening out. He takes my hand and I feel his soft lips as this field, so strong, embraces the smile of my skin.

When he finds me, the air around radiates rings as the twinkles of the silver chime.

And the mount of anger from all it's winds couped into a cage to burst, dissipates with a puff of sparkles, glitter in the night's strong pitch.

He sees the world within him change, tries on all the colors that no longer seem to fit.

But soon enough we'll all mould ourselves back into the blankets of safety we stow away for days like these.

In a world so filled with life, there's a hollow bored into our souls.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;

If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And — which is more — you'll be a Man my son!

~Rudyard Kipling~

Strength

What does it mean to be strong? I always had this image that personal strength meant that in times of grief and sorrow, we could stand tall, and face the reality of what life presents to us, after all, if we take a step back, what does it all really mean?

In time everything is meaningless. Love that was shared will diminish, lives that were shared will diminish, into thin air. Everything changes, everything moves on. We want to believe that life has a deeper meaning, but does it? 

What we know and what we feel, what happens to that in the end?

We make decisions in our lives that we know will hurt us. With a clean slate it is obvious to sight, but to one that holds a mess of scar? Does it stand out enough to be noticed? Or is it dug into an unhealed and supple place.

It really only takes one in a billion, a droplet in a snow storm to make a shift, and who would have thought a dream would turn to a nightmare come true with but a single stray thought.

And had it been known, of course it was known, would it take the same path twice? I suppose it wouldn't. Fear holds us all in contempt.

So let's have it, if strength is to face reality and to accept it indifferent, and life is just the thoughts, the emotions that we create and submerge ourselves in, then the reality is what we create, and perhaps, to be strong is to lead a life that is controlled by the refined sophistication of knowledge.

We are not stupid. We know, we act, we take responsibility, and in the end, we should feel it, then smile, then let it go, never to forget, and always to reminisce . To know the system, and to overcome it. That is strength

I'm sorry

And I wandered out into the wild and I was taken by the beast that they call love, hidden in fire that they call life. And they covered my eyes so that I could not see, but I could hear and feel and taste and smell, but I did not believe. And so I took a step, further than I could ever reach. And then I fell. And all I could tell myself when I tried to get up was that if I hadnt taken that step, I would have never been satisfied with myself. My life would have never been complete. And so I gave myself that justification. But did that save me from the pain that I induced? No.

Am I satisfied at what I have done? No.

And so now I know, that there is no such thing as a happiness you strive to find, that no matter how real it seems to be, it never is. There will always be something missing. Or somthing more. Somthing more that should not be there. And sometimes that something more is you yourself.

Would I do it again if life would repeat itself? No. Does that mean that I regret the things that I have done that have led me into this predicament? No.

I am hurt and thus so many others. And pain is always good. Pain is always the root of the education of our lives. It is the exercise of our muscles. The strongest of all. The heart.

And so the story continues, less you, equal to me.

I'm sorry to you whom have put trust in me, that I have severed it. I never held it in contempt, until I did, I do not deny, and I am sorry.

Ajar

There is only so much a single person can do. We are people of capacity, once we have reached the maximum capacity, something starts to fall apart.

Love - of course love. We are only human, we do not have an eternal source of love. We wish we had, but unfortunate to say, we do not.

There's a jar, and if you like, the jar can be refilled, but we canot change the size of the love jar. Nope, the jar is all you got.

We can choose to use it up on one person, or we could choose to use it up on more than one person. But that would mean that this jar of ours would have to be shared. Now who would ever really want a shared jar?

Let's not even talk about love, let's talk about time. How much time could you possibly have to dissipate your care, attention, your love and even your hate?

Let's just say that we are all limited to a certain degree, and so, is it possible to love more than one person? I suppose so. But is it possible to have more than one love jar? Nope. And we're not talking about parental love or sibling love, or love of children or friends. It's about the ultimate love, the love that brings two people together forever. A love above all.

We are all looking for the love jar that has only our name engraved onto it. I haven't found mine yet.

Pythagoras

Do I think that he is messing with me? That just becuase he belongs in a part of society that is stereotyped to have a bias against the way that I look? No, I don't, and even if it were true, I am not afraid. What have I not gone through in my life that could make me afraid of the type of person that I could possibly find underneath it all.

I am not afraid becuase I am looking for someone to share my thoughts with, someone whom I am able to count on to talk to me, to comfort me when I am down. Someone to make me laugh and smile. And nothing more. I am not seeking a wonderful love and marriage. Not from someone whom I have just met.

The most important thing to me right now is to be able to smile while I live this part of my life. I realised that I cannot have more than that right now, becuase if you have no foundation, how can you expect a tower to be erected? Out of nowhere? Who in their right mind would ever trust that it would be stable?

The best thing about meeting someone new is that everything is new and intriguing. I have no doubt that in time that this will slowly fade away. I've seen it enough. How much could two people possibly have to say to each other?

It's not about the being there, it is about the being able to express yourself in a way that is sincere and genuine. I am only myself in the presence of the closest people in my life.

The people who have been there when I cry. Those are the people who are the closest people in my life. I cry alot, but only two or three people in that I hold close have actually, physically been there to hold me.

I think that might be what I continuously look for. I suppose eventually, the pillows just arent enough.
I have many by the way...pillows, never neglect the pillows.

Induction

I've been in Gove for a little more than a year now. It's high time to analyse the situation, as I always do. One thing that I find is constant all over the world is love.

People everywhere are in constant search for that one thing that tugs at their heart. It's such a little thing, such a frivolous feeling, but it's an addiction that everyone searches for.

I can only appreciate that through all my travels and experiences, that this is a constant factor. It's a security blanket for me to be able to gauge the people around me with the mere basics. The feeling of love.

Does this mean that I do believe in love? That love is no longer an illusion? No, I don't think that day will come. Love as a feeling. The feeling of love, can we compare that with the feeling of warmth, and hurt and pain?

If so then love, like these feelings, is never constant. Unless there is an external source to induce it. Keep the source constant and you may well have your answer to all your heart's desires.

最後一次 完整感人版

Was

And in a flash, it all disappears. The fountains which once splashed with joy at every wordly instance, has now faded into but a pale memory.

What it meant before no longer means, such a strain, to hear the music play.

Striving to reach into the depth to reel to surface the intensity that was there before, but no longer is. It's such a shame that it was here but has now gone.

How do we get it back? We can't. It will never look the same, it will never be the same. Such a shame.

Ni Na Me Ai Ta

直到爱消失　你才懂得
Zi dao ai xiang shi ni cai dong de

Only when love disappears, you will realize 
去珍惜身边每个,   美好风景
Qu jeun si shen bian mei ge, Mei hao fong jing
to treasure the beautiful scenery,
只是他早已离去
Ji shi ta zao yi li qu
but it is long gone
直到你想通　他早已经　不再对你留恋
Zi dao ni xiang tong ta zao yi jing, Bu zai dui ni liu lian
When you finally realize,  she no longer wants to stay.
最后的你　开始了一段挣扎
Zui hou de ni, Kai shi le yi duan zhen zang
It's the end of you and the beginning of a length of struggle
Chorus
你那么爱他,　为什么不把他留下
Ni na me ai ta, Wei shen me bu ba ta liu xia
You love her so much, why didn't you ask her to stay?
为什么不说心里话
Wei shen me bu shuo xin li hua
Why don't you say what's in your heart?
你深爱他　这是每个人都知道啊
Ni sheng ai ta, Zhe shi mei ge ren dou zi dao ah
You love her so much, everyone knows this.
你那么爱他 为什么不把她留下
Ni na me ai ta, Wei shen me bu ba ta liu xia
You love her so much, why didn't you ask her to stay?
是不是你有深爱的两个他
Shi bu shi ni you sheng ai de, liang ge ta
Is it because you love the both of them
所以你不想再让自己　无法自拔
Shuo yi ni bu zai xiang rang zi ji, Wu fa zi ba
That's why you don't want to let yourself get into a difficult situation.
Repeat

The Journey Begins

[MALE]

nee enthan anbe

uyirodhu kathal kalanthene

intha kathal valkai

maru jenmam tharuviya

[FEMALE]

varutham vendham kathala

piriyum valkai illaiyadha

enthan valkaiyum naan valnthal

athu unnudhen thanedha

[MALE]

ithuve pothume

azhagane anbu kathaliye

varthaigal illaiye

intha valkai pothume

[FEMALE]

en azhaga arugil vaa

ithu kanave illaiyadha

un anbe pothume

ithu mel ethu vendhume

[FEMALE]

kangal kanner varuthey

intha kathal unnai vittu piriyathey

[MALE]

malargal pol irukirai

ennai annaikke thudhikirai

kulintharaye en nanbannadhi

magilnthene en argunalil

kathali oh uyir kathali

[MALE]

nee enthan anbe

uyirodhu kathal kalanthene

intha kathal valkai

maru jenmam tharuviya

[FEMALE]

varutham vendham kathala

piriyum valkai illaiyadha

enthan valkaiyum naan valnthal

athu unnudhen thanedha

[MALE]

valnthal unnudhen valven

maranam vanthal thanimeiyil selluven

[FEMALE]

thanimeiyil ponaiya

ennai vittu selvayai

ezhu jenmanggal unnodhu than

maranam vanthallum kathal pirivu illaiye

oh ohh uyir kathalane

[MALE]

ithuve pothume

azhagane anbu kathaliye

varthaigal illaiye

intha valkai pothume

[FEMALE]

en azhaga arugil vaa

ithu kanave illaiyadha

un anbe pothume

ithu mel ethu vendhume

Because Of You

I will not make the same mistakes that you did 
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery 
I will not break the way you did 
You fell so hard 
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far 

Because of you 
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk 
Because of you 
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt 
Because of you 
I find it hard to trust 
Not only me, but everyone around me 
Because of you 
I am afraid 

I lose my way 
And it's not too long before you point it out 
I cannot cry 
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes 
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life 
My heart can't possibly break 
When it wasn't even whole to start with 

Because of you 
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk 
Because of you 
I learned to play on the safe side 
So I don't get hurt 
Because of you 
I find it hard to trust 
Not only me, but everyone around me 
Because of you 
I am afraid 

I watched you die 
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep 
I was so young 
You should have known better than to lean on me 
You never thought of anyone else 
You just saw your pain 
And now I cry 
In the middle of the night 
For the same damn thing

Because of you 
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk 
Because of you 
I learned to play on the safe side 
So I don't get hurt 
Because of you 
I tried my hardest just to forget everything 
Because of you 
I don't know how to let anyone else in 
Because of you 
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty 
Because of you 
I am afraid 

Because of you
Because of you

~Kelly Clarkson~

Correct Our Mistakes

It's always easy to offer what is not yours to give. But what is it like to contemplate the acceptance of something that will never be given to you. The acceptance of a hope of nothing?

It has always been a little bit of love and a vast enormity of hurt. So harden up b*tch, and get your fruggin act together.

And so it was.

I'm taking a step to hurt you and to hurt me, and so our lives can move on. Whatever it moves onto is beside the point, the point is that it has to move on.

I want what you have, and the knowledge that you have it and do not appreciate it, haunts me. What more can you possibly ask for? Look at you, look at your life, look at the beautiful things in your life. Look how they embrace you, look how you embrace them. How can your life not be complete?

The grass is always greener.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far...

~Kelly Clarkson~

Shopping?

I went shopping, I was feeling like shite and I went shopping. And then I realized that I have been watching too many movies.

I have always had this messed up idea that shopping would cure it all.

And so I put on a dress, showed off my newly pedicured pink toe nails, in my overly expensive heels,  accessories, make up and a dab of lip gloss.

I was ready to max out my credit card if it would make me feel better...

Five hundred thirty bucks and ninety cents later. I decided to call it quits. Shopping does NOT make me feel any better about anything, in fact it makes me feel horrible. I do not take joy in shopping. It does not give me the immense pleasure that all the girls make it out to be.

And so I sat there, exhausted, and feeling worse than when I started. I started to think why? Why cant this simple thing - shopping make me feel better?

And so I blame it on my mom, as we do, that I was not trained to do so and therefore I don't know how. Sometimes I just cant see why I work so hard to go the the mall and pay for stuff that I don't really need nor want.

I do admit though that some of the stuff looks pretty, but for what purpose?

Anyways I am still trying to figure it out.

Realization And Actuallization

I'm back and ready to rock!

A week ago today, I left, I really needed to go, I needed to get out of here, and I went back into civilization and now I'm good. I needed to get my head around the things going on in my life. I was straying away from what I have always lived for, and the me that I had always known. My spiritual and emotional life has always been the core of my existence.

My morals and values were so overwhelmed by my environment, and I couldn't bear to look at myself and be okay with what I was becoming, my insides were slowly rotting and I could just hear and feel it seeping through. But now I know.

Now I can see what I need to do, what I need to become.

Crash

And when I heard it, it paused my heart, and when I saw them run, it crushed me. And you were there, and overwhelmed, in my mind you grasped me and held me tight. And I saw in your eyes, and I felt in the air, that you'd never let me go. And it was pained, for it could not be so. And I had to stand and hope and wish and think, and like a snail, shrivel away, into a smile I did not mean.

Do You Miss Me?

When

I looked into your eyes and I thought I saw. And when you smiled I knew I was right. But did I know that it would be like this? Could I have ever imagined what was beyond what eyes could see? Never did I think that fate would bring me to this. This that which is there, that which I cannot persue, then which I cannot endure, thus I can never indulge. What a sigh I breath as I walk on, to seek with a great aspiration to find. The strength to leave equal the strength to stay, equal the strength to do nothing and give in to the weak. Tomorrow I will go, and I will leave all the things that hurt my heart, and all the things that core my hurt. That vein from nothing and vine on all.

I will miss nothing for there is no worth in missing pain. What was had no longer is. To strive is to be ignorant of the grasp of the nature in the universe. Once it's yours it will be so forever, until the day that you die. There is no turning back, and there is no need to. Not for me, not for you, but for the person next to you, and the person who is part of you. There is no place for me, not now, not ever. And I shall bow away, shriveled into a truth not even you can deny.

There Is Nothing Here For You

The fountain of smiles have drained from here - from a heart that no longer wants to feel.
So bland that as the wings soar, it is no longer with joy and gaiety, yet with aimlessness and doubt.
Nothing is of essence.
Live and let live. And dont ever come back.

I Love Her

I got talking to a guy the other day, and we stumbled upon a topic in which this whole site is based - love.
He said, with this intese, yet calming and certain tone "I love her".

And it hit me like nothing has before. How wonderful for a man to relive his love in the complexities of the day.

It made me long for the day when a man will go out into the world, and think of nothing more, hope for nothing more, than to love me above any other.

There are alot of things that people can say about love, but there's no mistaking that which comes from the heart.

To You

You say that you're my friend. But you're not.You say that you are here for me. But you're not.
You say that you care for me but you dont! I'm sorry that I believed you. I'm sorry to you and I am sorry to myself that I believed it. I dont need it. I dont want it anymore. A burden it shall always be to anyone who dares to call me a friend. I will cry. And I will cry and cry and cry, until the anger swells in my eyes.
Until my heart is no longer weary. And then I will be strong. And when I smile at you, know, that you did nothing, and when I call you a friend, you can try to remember when you were there for me, but you never will - because you weren't.

Togetherness

I step in to the darkness. The darkenss blinds me. I reach out to feel the hope in the nothingness in front of me. Not a flinch to be felt, not a sentiment to touch.

The spears spiralling towards me, I can feel them coming. From where I cannot see. I am blinded as they bask in the kindness I cannot hide away. I ask why, but there is no why.
 

Inert

If only the wind would show me the way. I'd follow.
If only the flames painted me a path, I'd walk.
But what would it be to trail along a track? To be led and not to lead.
Has it never been before?
That you had taken that in which was never offered,
To strengthen and build for them what would never be yours?
No! The path of stones in which you wrote,
They had always let you through.
But what would it be had you chosen the choice
To be led and not to lead.
Would you survive the test of time? Or I.

Forever Blue

There is always someone somewhere, that insists on making these fine intricate carvings. Albiet intensely and satisfyingly beautiful; after the cocooning period of course.
There are always reprocussions to our actions.
Mine, I am beginning to see. Yours, will be realised in time.
Look closely, scars, forever inscribed.

0000

There has always been a force, driving your weakness into strengths. You've lived in this privilege for so long that it seems such an exhausting plague, plastering your being. Every step you try to take buries you further into a merciless fortress, spinning ten feet above you.

You try to hold on, to find a little piece of your anchor, but it slips beyond your reach time and again.

You close your eyes, holding the reflection of your desire, craving for something to Stop!

Stop this circulation, stop these blemishes appearing from your already worn and spotted slate! Stop these torches boring holes into your skin!

And in a moment, your breath is knocked away. You gasp and gleam from the very tips of your fingers.

You take a drag, the crisp dewed air cools depth of your mind, the little rays bounce from your eyes.

There is an energy that growls from every muscle fatigued. You stretch and reach for the blue in the morning sky. When you look, you can see. When you reach you can grasp, and when you smile, you can live.

Tastes salty to the touch of my tongue, this fear.
And then a bitter sense of sweetness, lingers on my lips.
It swirls in my mind, tingles the light my of skin.
It encroaches my thoughts, scrambles the liquid of my heart.
It sways, it rips, it tears.
I tear.

Billions

But if it was a million miles to walk,
A million miles to journey through the mind,
And a million more to synchronise the beating of hearts.

If the prison gates left ajar,
Would you take the leap of faith,
A million miles into the ocean at large
To swim a million miles towards the sky
And stare into the starless clouds.

Would it be the same after all these trials?
Would it be enough to last - A million years?

Dreams

Do you know that in the night
When I sit and think
I think of you

My thoughts linger into an intrinsic love
One intriguing to such an extent
That there could be nothing more
Nothing more in the world that could possibly
replace it.

It would be complete.
There would be nothing more that one could ask for.

There would be complete satisfaction.
A contendedness that fills the meaning of sunshine in the morning.

We'd fight as fierce lions
We'd logic with enviable passion
We'd cry our laughter and laugh our cries.

and You and I,
we would sit and smile.

Wilderness

I travel back into the wild we once knew. I hear the leaves rustle in the wind. The greens sway in the ripples of the still water. The wild coos. I wonder why all the things in the nature of things sway towards the wind - they always sway back.

I stand on the black of rock and wonder where they've been. Not a cloud in the sky, not a voice to shout. I wonder what's beneath the calm. The scene so full, yet so empty, so much space to be filled.

I wonder what they coo about, the wild.

There

What would a touch feel like if it would land on the soft of the skin, flow through the breast of the pounding heart.It's unwaivering sense of presence, it's weight upon the touch of the nakedness. Can you imagine the urge of being there,endlessly fuming for the minute space that determines the truth of all your lust, the difference between nothingness and the bond of intense love.
The furious attraction between what you have and what you want. The tragedy of it all, the awe of all of it. You can only reach, with a true uncertainty, for the cottonous nothing before you.
And imagine the fabulous world ahead, something you will never be able to endure.Nor I.
And then what do you have?

We

I dont want to see the breeze whisk away my love.I dont want the waves whirl away my heart. I want to hear the scale of triumph sing against my bosom.I want the warmth of passion upon my skin. I heed the touch of souls upon my breath.Of memories engraved, of happiness enslaved.I miss you.

Souls that have touched, hearts that are linked,
Lives that are joined and cannot be parted.
Time, distance, just creations of man's mind.
Measurement's spelt out to a scale that can be overcome.
Love is true and cannot divide into parts.
It is unending, eternal and forever I carry you in my heart,
We are always together.
~naue~

Distance

It weighs so heavy, it hangs above me,

It is a wall that keeps us apart.

To tear it down, to throw it off,

To run those miles, and cross that crevasse

Is my desire, my only wish.

But for two hearts truely joined

There are no walls, distance - No object.

The sound of your voice, your laughter, your sadness, your joy,

Fill my ears

Fill my thoughts

I know true joy and that this test we shall pass.

~naue~

29/08/09

I'm Sorry

I am honoured and humbled that you can tell me your thoughts, but sad that they are unhappy, sad that I was not there in the flesh to give you the comfort you needed. To say you have no friends is wrong. If I end up being nothing else with you, a friend I will always remain. For all your challenges, you have a strength, passion and outlook on life that inspires me. For meeting you I am grateful and I hope we can keep alive something that we have shared.
~G~

~Ephesians 2:8-10~

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."
~Ephesians 2:8-10~

A Voice That Smiles

A voice that smiles
Like summer sun it warms me
It fills my soul, it replenishes me
It is the sustenance to go on
Belief, Hope one without the other
A mere pebble on the ocean floor
Combined, more power than any man can know
The strength to go forward, to carry on
When all else seems beyond me.
So? Such a small thing?
A voice that smiles?

~naue~

GADDAMNIT

Gaddamnit! You know how sometimes you get your hopes up and gather all your guts and work up all your cowardly courage to say something to someone or to confront someone, and you've finally put your foot down and said to yourself, OK!!! This is it, there's no turning back and you're all siked and pumped up, and then you finally take a step towards this person, and you walk thru the door, and....they're not there. You finally get to dialling the numbers and....it rings and rings and rings...and just keeps ringing...until the woman on the other ends picks up and says "I'm sorry..."and you dont ever stick around to hear the end of the sentence, but you can imagine.

I'm sorry echez, you are such an idoit!
I'm sorry, the number you have called is ignoring you.
I'm sorry, the number you have called is much too busy to answer your call!
I'm sorry!

Yeah, well, I'm sorry too!

What was I thinking? Maybe I wasnt, maybe I dont want to but I should.

Maybe I should be the one to take a stand, I keep asking myself why I always have to be the one to give up what I want for the sake of other people.

*sigh*

I guess it's because I have to take responsibility for the situation that I have put myself into.

I will blame myself and no one else, for getting myself into the position that I am in. I knew it from the beginning, and hey, I made the decision.

Was it worth it? I dont know, is pain ever worth it?

*sigh*

The worst thing is to be alone in pain. Nothing is worth being alone in this world.

joyeux anniversaire

It is time to send a wish out to the people in my life that are getting more the wiser yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I just want to say that you are the one who has participated in my life, who has made a huge part of me alive, and have contributed to what makes me who I am, and I am eternally grateful for the day that you were brought into this world, and to the day that the paths of our souls collided.

My life's quest has been a continual search for that something that triggers my inspiration, and lights up my being and in return sparks, lights and spreads.

That's what you are for me, I cannot tell you why, I dont think I know why, but I know it is.

Red, today, when there is red, you must smile. For Red brings forth prosperity... and then, your one true wish may just come true.

~joyeux anniversaire~

Where?

Which way is it looking? This life of mine?
Is my search too extensive, is my hope too large?
What is it that i look to find?
Is that why I have not found what I seek?
The love songs ring in my ear, in a language I cannot comprehend for it seems so foriegn to me.
Who am I saving my kisses for? And where is he? Why does he not appear to me?
How much longer must I wait to realise what my purpose here is?
My head is churning, my heart is choking on the emptiness.
Is it the cry of realisation that I hear?
If I could turn the if's and thens, would there be grubs or beautiful greens to grow?
To live in the past only proves that there will never be a future.
But what is the future if there is no past to prove?

In And Out Of Love

If I had wings, I'd fly with your soul

In and out of Love

No doubt we all search and follow our hearts

Into and out of Love

I would never need anything more than to take that journey with you.

If one day you find, that you can journey no more,

I'd be there, to hold your heart, your soul,

In or out of Love

If I could show you the depths of my heart,

Would you fly with me?

Into and out of Love

~echez~

Heaven!...or Not...

Do they smile at you? These eyes that look into the stars with a longing desire so bitter. The flickers of it's candle cradles your smiles and asks your heart why it cries.

The craters in your heart fill with a mud that you cannot remove, nor reverse, they've created a pattern on your wall. They cannot be erased yet you feel a sudden comfort. You cannot find the North you're looking for.

It's hard to bear, the essence of deceit, reeks with a stench that trails for miles. Do you laugh to mask the hurt?

Do you believe that it will go away? Like a tail it will follow you, until you find yourself falling in the wind.

The cloud so thick now, so grey with a pain you cannot depict. It will last until the next moon shines.

For Now and For Never

If you saw the earth from the sea below, would you scream and shout or drown your sorrows in the salt of horrors.
We breath the whispers of air and you feel it as you swallow the truth you created.
Our hearts slither back and forth, wanting, urging, pleading yet not able to have, the consequences boil, ever ready to spill.
Was taking what you wanted worth it's essence? Has all this become a nothingness that will be forgotten in the time that inevitably follows?
Was their foundation enough a strong hold? To bring the future into the now?
There is nothing now, not a hope to forward bear.
How much does it take for one to see, immediate joys are never worth it's future consequences.
Until that day comes, we will never be able to accept the present.
To sacrifice what you do not need for what you already have, have you weighed out their worth?
It is me who will watch the lives I destroy, with my own two eyes, and a heart I will never forgive.

Do You Believe in Magic

Why do we encounter such unbearable circumstances,
In which we suffer to accept.
Can we see the righteous from the wrong?
So many things things seem so easy from the counter which I stand
Yet I seem to have a view from above the arc
Telling me the center is not of me.
Not until the love of life
The matching soul in this universe appears in my living dream.
So does this wine enhance my troubled mind?
Or does it weary my determined soul.

In this little space of change, how do you reach for something that's not there?
How do you ask for something that hurts your heart.
What do I see in his grey green eyes that cloulds the thoughts I hold so dear?
At the expense of love and a heart I fear.
Through an aching passion that I urge to extinguish,
Yet what justifies an unhappiness which stems from love.
How much is hope worth to call it the saviour to what's lost; - what can and will be lost.
Surely it's worth's more than regret that fills the mass of shining stars.
How sure is sure that falters in it's sparks of certainty?
For that the intertwine of such intense of intellect, what could possibly alter the happiness induced.
I cannot say.

~zeue~

116

There is so much I long to see, so much I long to have. Dont they tell us that longing for someone or something means that we are not appreciating what we already have? The vows we made, we took the risk of forever, knowing that there would be no turning back, but now we turn our heads to look, and long.

For what is the true meaning of love "which alters when it alteration finds...".

SONNET 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

~Shakespear~

Excerpts Of A Daily Life

Can you imagine the sun, penetrating into the pink orange sky it creates, a harsh force of wind, pounding in the trees. The deer running with all it's might. Can you feel the explosion of rain onto your face, your mouth and your hair.

A smooth caress onto my skin. Clutched together in warmth a thick eagerness can be felt emerging. A heart so tender in the dawn, a body so light. There's nothing better than the exchange of an ever sacred passion before the day ahead.

A million kisses to the scent of a rose, the seduction of a warm breath, pleading for a slight caress. Araging flame searching for a calm. Intensity surges as want becomes need. If more was a cloud we'd pass thru to see our heavens. The high of our lives would be in the togetherness apart.

I wonder as I stare into the starless sky, filled with haze and gloom, that where you are, it's clear, and you can see wach and every little sparkle, counting the joys in your life. If there were a star, I'd wish upon a love to cherish. My one true love, for all the children in the world, and for me. I try to grasp the life flowing from the mending hole in my heart. To release my sheild, vulnerable, my fear is that my love is not enough, insufficient for those who need more than I can give.

In the coldest night, would you hold me in your arms and not let me go? We'd be as one in the light, swaying moments. For a second it'd be still, there'd be a oneness. A slow caress to sooth the aching soul. Longing for more...sensing a stinging desire.

Moonlit Verandah

The moon stared at me last night, it showed it's light upon my life. I looked up into it's face and I felt it. I felt it's rays from my heart. I felt that inspiration sprouting from my veins. I wanted to run into a great abyss and stare. I could almost feel it's warm embrace.

I dont know what to say.

How does one respond to a heart that touches the depth of the soul? It searches for an answer that cannot be found. It yearns for the missing caress. One that will never be reached. How tragic of life to finally find what it's always been longing for. After all this time. After so much that cannot be changed, that may not want to be changed. Are we destined to be without? Are we destined to watch our dreams pass by while our choices area lived?

Perhaps it's an illusion that fades with the color it brings. The ease of it's comfort just as the ease of it's pain.

What ever happened to the love that we made, the ones that we created? They are there to remind us of what we once held, together. How could it ever be that it floated away. Where did it go? Will we ever find it again?

Why is it that we cannot find the answer to our moving desires, the wind that twirls, the air that chokes when we sit alone, searching, telling the stories that abandons our fear.

The World of Hope

The time has finally come to take a step forward. I have put alot of time and effort into mourning and trying to justify the events that took place over 8 months ago. The intensity of it's effects upon my soul has once again brought it into a state of dullness.

The advancement in my career that has come as a by product of such events can and will never stand justification for the sorrow, nothing on the earth can substitute nor recover the loss of faith in the flesh and blood of the ever loathed illusion of the word "Love".

As I grow through my path, I find myself lost for words, as a child lost, I cannot regain the slightest fragment of existance.

But I have come to accept what was not mine to begin with.

I have a wonderful life, and to the fullest I will live it.

Saturday and Sunday

It's good to have my legs back, although I still cant really run. I actually havent tried to run, I'm just trying to take it easy. Saturday I went with the guys to the beach, at first we went to the dock to do some fishing, it was really really boring, I was really tired too but you cant just not go. It's a team thing. Anyways after that, everyone went to the beach, set fire to an uprooted tree, it was really nice, there was a nice sea breeze, got to hang out the the boys, got to see them do boy things.

They caught a shark! It was a small one, maybe a yard, it was awesome. Then they whacked it around a little, whacked peoples butts with it, boys will be boys ya know. It was very funny.

Sometimes it's really boring to sit there and talk boy stuff, they talk about sports that I'm not really into, cars that I'm not really into, you know, stuff like that which makes it hard. It's hard for me to just listen all the time.

Maybe I'm just a real bitch...:P

Over and Out

The past few months have been very shaky for me. Things that should have ended did not end because there was a twist in the plot. I am learning, and I am growing strong. Sooner or later I have to pick myself up and go on with life. With or without the things that I do or do not want.

I think I might have lost myself these past few years, or perhaps I was always lost and am still looking for the way, you know, the path.

I still don't know which way I'm headed but I know it's not backwards. I have spent much too much time back there. But there will be no more of that crap. I have ex's and ex ex ex ex's looking for me and suddenly coming out of nowhere. It's like I send out this vibe every time I'm single again. And suddenly there are calls, and invitations, people that I thought I would never see again, they suddenly pop up out of nowhere. It's like dude, I just broke up! And yes, I was in a relationship that I will always value, it's not just going to disappear, because to me, it was real. It was my commitment, which was pried out from under me.

But that's not the point, the point is, that it's so weird that people that I haven't heard from for ages and ages pop up, like now. And the worst thing is they're like, oh remember this and that, and us and etc, and I'm like um, wait, I have actually archived this, and I have to pull it back out...

And then I try to remember and then it's like digging myself an emotional hell hole. Sheish, I'm vulnerable right now! Leave me alone...sheish.

OR maybe it's just coz it's Chinese New Year, and that's what people do is call up other people and catch up and I'm just over thinking the whole situation.

Probably the latter. Anyhow, I had a few calls from a number of people who have once made me cry. It's actually significant despite the fact that I'm like the crying equivalent of a really rainy season.

So anyway the point of this message, mostly to myself is that, yes, I am by myself. And it's cool. I'm done with sacrificing who I am for people who just down right don't appreciate me.

Which comes back to ALL of the things that I have always written about. Is finding that person who will appreciate who I am, and I have added another thing, is that he must be able to trust in me. Trustworthy, is a given, you got to be that.

If you deserve to be loved by me, then I will love you. That's the simple theory. Why should I love you? Why should I even think twice about you? Why should I give my heart to you?

The answer to these questions is, you should love me because I deserve to be loved, because I love you, more than anything, I love the mere thought of being with you for the rest of my life, the thought of spending every last minute with you - just because...

So just to go back through the last(previous) chapter of my life. I should have known that this was going to happen. I was trying so hard to keep things going and it was so hard for me. There was a total communication breakdown, and you know how when you know a person for a long time, you can kind of feel the love. Well I don't think that was there, you know, it wasn't like it was before. It could only be detectable to me, every other person, including himself would have never noticed. It was the slightest change. And me being the stupid optimist, being the all trusting, loving girlfriend was swallowing everything there was to swallow, crying every night because there was a change, and I felt it, but I refused to believe it.

And in the end, it shot me down.

I guess in the end, he just wasn't that into me anymore. And all the yeah, of course I love you, was kind of something that needed to be spoken out loud because neither of us actually believed it. And my justification is that there wasn't even an attempt to rectify the situation. I guess there just wasn't enough love, that perhaps he had given up on me you know. And there is nothing I can do about that. Your love for me is not something that I can produce - unfortunately.

And well, none of this really matters anymore.

I have moved on. There is nothing more. And I'm cool with that.

So what is my next step you ask?

Tons! Life is getting exciting! I can just feel good stuff coming up! I'm not one to plan the details of the life ahead of me. Just a general direction. And besides, as I said many many years ago, last minute decisions beats canceled plans - anytime!

So all's well that ends well. What do ya think?