Reasoning

I asked myself last night, what is wrong with him? Why does he always make me sad? Why does he always do this to me? Why every time that I am associated with him I am alwasy sad and down, how can I be with someone that always makes me sad?

I realise that I have been asking myself this question over and over again for so long, in every relationship that goes bad, I always ask myself what was wrong with him...I analyse what he didnt have that I needed or wanted. It was always about what he did wrong to me.

I have been analysing this since I knew the meaning of the word man, always to find myself with alot more problems and no solutions.

I realised last night that I was asking the wrong questions, I was looking in the wrong places. I overlooked the easiest solution, I overlooked the place, the answer that was right under my nose. Literally.

I never asked myself about me.

I never asked myself what it was that I didnt do, I never asked myself why I was sad because of him. I never asked myself what I really wanted and what was really making me sad, disapopinted and making me fall into deep stuck situations that I could never get out of.

I got to a point where I really didnt know what I was doing, I was down as hell and I looked and analysed his situation in every possible way, trying to figure out what he was doing wrong and what he could change that would easily satisfy me and at least give me the faint of happiness in the relationship.

I got some sense knocked into me last night and I realised that the problem was with me. I did not know what I wanted, I lost sight of my goals and motto in life, in love.

I took a good long thought about me, and I realised that I wasnt being the person that I wanted to be, and that was why I was so unhappy and dissatisfied, and that was why I could not accept particular things and events that happened, or shall I say did not happen in the relationship.

Ever since, forever, I have wanted to be the woman behind the successful man. My role in life is to be the lady for one man, and that is what I want and that is what I strive for. I want to be the everything to one man. A man that I truely love, should love ever fall into my hands.

It's about what I can do for him, it's about how I can support him and how I can be there for him in anything and everything, without doubt, without worry, with full trust. To know that this is the position that I want to hold, makes all the things that I have been wanting and needing from a man, seem small. What I want more than anything is to see the man that I love, happy.

If I have pledged to do anything to make that happen, sacrifice is but part of all the shit, all the bad stuff is only part of working towards what I really want.

My friends say that being the woman behind the successful man is the hardest thing to do, it requires immense strength and devotion. They ask me, do you think you are strong enough? And I tell them, I will be. And I trust that I will be, because that is what I want. This is what I have chosen.

They say why? You can do anything with your life, you could be the successful woman, why do you want to be the person behind it all, carrying all the shit, and receiving no credit for it. Why burden yourself?

Le, told me you know, there was this famous actor, and his wife and kid. When this actor married the his wife, nobody knew about it. Imagine you're the wife of the superstar and no one knows who you are. You see your husband only once or twice a year, and nobody acknowledges you as anything. Imagine how much burden she had to carry with her, to be faithful, to believe that one day someone, one day the man that she married would appreciate her for being there, for going through so much strife and still stuck with it. It took 20 years for this superstar to realise that he had neglected his wife, and it took him 20 years to realise what she must have gone through not be able to question what her husband, a rich, famous actor was up to. To have waited for 20 years to have believed for 20 years.

But because she stuck with it, because was so immensely strong, and because she so generously bore the burden, she, after 20 years is appreciated. He knows, that he has someone that has been there for him for so long, through all the shit. He appreciates her.

And perhaps that is all I want, to be appreciated, for someone to relise that I am there for them. For that simple acknowledgement. It's worth a lifetime's pain and suffer.