Saturday, October 29, 2005
I have this predicament. I love going out. I just can't stay at home. There's always something to do, someone to see somewhere, some place to hang out, just some place to go where it's so much more exciting.
Today I'm chillin at home. Wow, its really relaxing. I didn't realise that I was so tired. Tired of the buzz, tired of the people, the outside world. I wonder why i dont do this more often.
I think it's just a phase, heh, in awhile I'll be up and at it again. I know too many people who never go out, who are home at any given moment. I have this image of people who are home all the time. The picture expands in my head, alone at home, watching TV, when there's nothing on reading the news paper, and idling just sitting there and doing nothing.
That's something I fear most, boredom, sitting there and doing nothing. Staring at the wall. I hate that. I need to go out, I need to see people walking around, I need to see the cars movin around. Not necessarily to be invited to the hippest parties, though it is nice. Not to be where "the" people are, but just to be out, not to be at home.
Home is a jail, home is a boring place that you go to when you wanna sleep. Home is just someplace you go to when you have nowhere to go.
I know that this is just something that I'm thinking right now. I know that one day my home will be a place of great relaxation, somewhere that I'll love to be. Perhaps it the fact that I've always moved around, and my room, my house isn't really my house. It's not really where I grew up, , it's not the place I'm going to be in the near future, I'm going to move, I'm going to leave this place, not much point getting attached. It's not really a place that I feel completely confortable.
I can't really put my finger on it, but today, I just feel like I've been away for too long, I haven't really enjoyed my house. I think I'm going to do that now. At least for awhile. Kisses.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
I've experienced going out with guys who insist that they pay for everything. Sometimes, I go out with guys who insist on paying but are okay if we split the bill, not half half, but as much as we are financially able to handle. Sometimes on a date, I pay. Sometimes the guys says he'll pay, but seems in some way reluctant, and in the end I insist on paying.
I think that paying for a meal is a very sensitive issue on a date. On one hand it's great to have someone pay, on the other, it makes me get this weird feeling. Personally I like to pay, but I feel sometimes that I shouldn't because it affects the guy's ego. Usually I opt to pay.
It's ironic that paying should be such a sensitive issue for me, because I strongly believe that money should never be an influencing factor in a relationship, it's shallow, and unethical. I think this is a phobia that I have, and it does affect me to a certain degree.
Imagine going out on a date, seeing the person you really want to see, but you're flat broke. For me, I would rather stay at home than to go out and feel unsafe. I think for me to have enough cash on me is essential, mainly for safety and security.Not all guys I go out with are filthy rich, even if they happen to be, we all have times in our lives where, we're just not that financially stable. I shudder to the day where I'll be stuck in a resturant because I didn't bring any cash, and he doesn't have any either.
Actually, it doesn't really matter to me who pays. What matters to me is that the guy understands that I, like him, will at some point in time, have a financial crisis. I think it's essential to understand that, and try not to make a big deal over how much you he paid, or how much you paid, and how often.
I think the most important about money and relationship is to know that your man doesn't mind paying for you, just as you don't mind paying for him.
Oa - One of the first people I met in Malaysia, taught me about being nice, motherly, first of my friends who got married, gave me insight about the simple pleasures in life, and about how being with the person you love is just a part of what life is, and that we shouldn't hesitate when we think its right. She also introduced me to the world of backstabbing, gossip, and plain meanness, especially when she tattled on me for cheating in an exam, I'll never forgive her, but I still love her. She taught me how family, people close to you, and people that you trust can turn on you, perhaps unknowingly, perhaps knowingly, either way it was the beginning of a strength that I am still developing with every encounter.
Cx - A girl who loves fun and excitement, perceived as being naturally courageous and crazy. Not many people know that really, she's using that to cover something up, that had she not been provoked, and encouraged in my presence, she'd have chemeleoned with another people. She taught me to be a leader. She made me see that I had the gift of influence, and the gift to induce courage, and inspiration into others.
La - La introduced me to the word pessimism. I had never seen nor known anyone like her. Pessimistic about everything. I learned to look at things in a totally different perspective. She taught me how to laugh at myself, and instigated into me a sort of individuality. I think the most inspiring thing about her is that she was able to turn her whole attitude around, she was able come out of the world she use to live in and become a better person. It's amazing. She taught me that everyone wants to be positive, and anyone can. Also that when we ourselves are positive, and excited about life, people around us feel that, and they will look upon us as something they wish they had, and they will change.
Sr - A guy who left his house to study abroad since young, made me look into independence. Being able to inspire himself to study, even in highschool when everyone was about hanging out. He was a good listener, taught me the essence of listening. He was a talker too, taught me the essence of talking too much.
En- From En, I learned that if you give up an opportunity, you may never get a second chance. I found out that people are great pretenders and men go through great measures to hide the memories they cannot forget. I also learned that people do forget, deny, and disacknowledge other people, as ntural as waking up in the morning.
Ka - Taught me that to be smart, you gotta read. To be cool, you have to have faith. Ka taught me the essence of true friendship.
To be continued.
Sn, Nl, Hy, Mn, Br, Zt, Hl, Hm, Ar, Ta, Lc, Wn, Bl, Aj...and more.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Yesterday Rosa Parks passed away. I didn't even know she was still alive, I'd thought she'd died a long time ago. I dont know alot about her but I know that I have always known the name, probably ever since I was first able to apprehend and understand the english language.
In an Arizonan classroom, twenty or so six year olds gathered in the carpet, we sat in a circle so that no one'd feel inferior. "Beunos dias" Mrs.C would announce."Commo Esta Ustead?" She went around the circle, urging each of us a reply.
"Meuy Bien, Garacias" was always my answer, any other answer would get a "porque?" by Mrs.C. Followed by a too personal outflow of your problems, and why you felt "Muey Mal".
That was the worst, everyone would be staring at you and you're supposed to tell them you had a bad night and that your dog died or something. If my dog died, had I owned one, my answer'd still be "Muey Bien, Garacias" with a smile.
There was great pressure in that classroom every morning for me, I hated spanish, and worse, I hated that I had so many more problems than anyone of those spoiled American brats...Okay they weren't spoiled and they weren't brats, in fact they were great friends.
Anyways our subject one week was Martin Luther King Jr., that was inspiring, but what really captivated me was Rosa Parks. We must have discussed her for no more than a few minutes, but her story was the one I had kept for over 15 years.
Rosa parks, an African American woman, in the center of the civil war against colored individuals. According to law, she and many like her, who were born a color different to white, were forced to sit in the back of the bus.
Rosa Parks walked onto the bus, paid her fare, and sat in the front. When a white man motioned her to move, she refused.
Rosa Parks was arrested and jailed for the mere sitting on the bus. She went on to trigger civil rights movements, and a civil revolution, just because she thought it was right. In November 1956, the U.S. Supreme Court outlawed segregation on buses.
Her story has helped me in my individual developement, as I'm sure it has done to many others. I developed a strength in me through her, though her name never came up again for the next 15 years, until her death, 92, yesterday. The headline caught my eye, and right away her name registered in my mind, her story as clear as if it'd been told yesterday.
Who knew, that the mere act of standing up could affect me to such an extent. I believe that sub-conciously, my strength came from her, my individuality came from her - may she rest in peace.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Travelling together, smiling in our photographs, capturing our beautiful kids as they run and play. I imagine picnics and parks, wind and shunshine and love and us.
Together we venture the world sneaking into backalleys for the sacred recipe, wine and dine the most lavishing resturants on hilltops, sitting at cafes, staring into each others eyes, wishing of nothing more in life - being content.
Holding each other in the sunset of the tropics, indulging in each other's presence. A scent for every moment, every place. A sound, an image, a touch, imprinted each step we take together.
I'd wear beautiful gowns for you, and you'd steal the sparkle from my eyes as I glide down the grand circular stair. I'd dance for you, and you'd want me.
I'd wear wifey clothes and stand in the kitchen with an apron, making you coffee and breakfast. You'd read the the paper, and the kids rushed to school.
When everything is quiet, I fit into my suits, stroll straight to the center of town and watch as the empire we build together grow. The phone rings from my officeto yours and we smile.
Knowing that above all, we have each other.
Yesterday though, those dreams stooped lowest to the ground, being dropped 16 floors.
I can't say that you will be the one. You are too afraid, you are too self consumed, however you deny.
For the first time since I met you, You let me down.You were embarrassed of me.
I saw in your eyes that you are NOT for real. I saw it, I looked into your eyes and I saw them laughing at me, not respecting my views, my feelings, my fear.
For the first time, I saw you as just another guy. Just another guy who wants the f**k and get out the door as soon as possible - with a please.
For the first time I lost confidence in you, and in my own judgement. For a second I let down my guard and Isaw the laughter in your eyes. Damnit, I saw it.
I built a wall, so much stronger now. You can't climb over and you can't break through.
You can only wait until I dismantle.
I think I might have LOVED you, if ever I believe in Love, but, I think I'm gonna have to let that go.
This is always true, for everyone. You never know how much you have impacted a person just by saying hi, just by taking the effort to see or communicate with them.
Sometimes relationships are built by just being there. Not necessarily saying anything, not necessarily doing anything, yet just being there. Presence in itself is enough.
At times i find myself wanting to give up even thinking optimistically. Quickly I bring myself back to par, only because I know there are people who need people like me to be around, just to watch, just to borrow the optimism I portray myself as posessing.
Sometimes it all feels so fake, sometimes I'm discouraged because things get stuck more often than never. I wish sometimes that I wasn't such a fake person. Wish I could be more genuine, but then again I think that'd mean crouching in a corner in the dark and crying most all of the time.
This is much better I suppose.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Once a year, a quarter, or every few months, there is an audit. Everything that has been done, or has not been done is analysed, the procedure, the initial goals, and distance towards reaching the goals, reasons why the goal has not been reached.
I believe that in life, we should take a day or two to evaluate our lives. Just like an audit at work, we should be able to write a list of important factors to evaluate in our lives, and take a thorough analysis of what is going on, whether we, much like our jobs is going in the right direction. Making sure that the processes in reaching our goals is efficient, and that we're not spending too much time on the unnecessary.
I cannot stress more one the fact that if I take a day or two doing nothing but thinking and auditing, it should not be considered as inconstructive, rather it be very much more constructive in the time to come. I believe that someone who is not focused is as useless as someone who does nothing. Right now, I am both, not focused and doing nothing, heh beats that.
The reason that I am talking so much about it is that I have not done anything about my life, and I have not set my goals, and in spite of always talking about it, I have taken no action. I am an all talk and no action kind of person, as I believe many can relate to. But you know what, I think that it is okay for me to be like so, because I also believe that if I think about it enough, if I write about it enough, if I put every thought into it, sooner or later I'm gonna cave, and start goin at my goals.
So I guess my goal right now is to convince myself to set my goals - confused? Well, me too. Anyhow, I'm glad that the company that I'm working in had an audit, because, now, everything can start all over again, but even better now, I have solutions to my problems and I can see my target now, clearly, without all the obstacles in between.
It's like being soffocated, in the dark and then in an instant, a rush of fresh air thrust into your lungs as the light blinds you momentarily, and when you regain sight, it's excellent!
At work, I felt discouraged, I felt that everyone was ganging up on me, I felt that everyone hated me or looked down on me, I felt stressed, and depressed to an extent, I felt that I had become useless, lazy, and just phased out. I think it was because of the declining of my self-esteem, that started with the guilt of skipping work a few days because of exhaustion.
I guess that I was totally completely out of it. I took a step off track, and I do feel guilty about it and I felt that the picture was melting, and if I didn't pop out of it, the picture would have disappeared altogether.
I'm taking a tiny step now, towards a grand direction. To be aware of my weakness and to have thought of changing for the better, is something that I see as an achievement on my part. I'm glad I am able to confront myself, perhaps not do anything about it but at least confronting.
They say the first step to healing is admitting what you are feeling, or admitting what you are and being aware of the problem that you are facing.
"My name is echez and I am lost."
Everyone say "Hello" to echez.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Why is so much of life is spent on doing things that have no meaning? Procrastination, relaxation, and just hanging out. What is the point of all of this?
We are not focusing, in life, many times we stray away from our goals, maybe just a step but it's much too far.
In another perspective, losing a week of productivity, has generated a whole new outlook into life, one that I would not have engaged, had I not had this week.
I suppose what's been done is done, and what has been lost cannot regain. Thus I can only live to justify my actions.
So many things to acheive, so little time. I have to concentrate.
There are people in my life that I thought I needed, but I dont think I need them anymore. There are people in my life that I thought I wanted, but I dont think I want them anymore. There are people that I thought would be able to fit into my life, but they can't.
I realise that I'm not looking for something in between. I'm looking for it all, and I guess I dont want to hang around and wait for things to happen.
I want it all now, or I want nothing now.I dont want to waste my time finding out that you're not the one, doubting.
You inspire me, but you scare me. You make life seem so easy. You make it sound like a feather drifting in the wind.
I'm afraid that I wont fit into your world, or perhaps you wont fit into mine, because God knows, we're from two completly different ones.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Ez and ling
Thursday, October 13, 2005
I don't feel the tiredness that I feel everyday, I dont feel the boredom. I dont feel that life is boring, I dont feel that work is stressful.
I dont feel that everything is looking down, I dont feel the haze.
I think about what I have acheived in life, and I think, that though I could have done more, and I could have been more had I put more effort into everything that I did, had I concentrated more on what I wanted instead of rushing through my life, I would appreciate my present status even more.
As I picture scenes of the many encounters that I have had, the much information and experiences that flew by me, that I didn't grasp, it makes me want to do something about it now.
Instead of dwelling on the fact that I could have done more, I want to do more now. I dont want to sit in an office a year from now, on a cozy, rainy day and have the thought that I haven't acheived enough.
Next time I sit and think, I want to be able to feel proud of myself for having done something, something spectacular, something that I can wake up in the morning everyday and just smile to myself in the mirror and be proud of having woken up into my life on earth.
It's on these wonderful days that brilliant things are created. It's these days that make every color you see, more radiant, more beautiful.
Perhaps today is just a normal day, that I just had a good night's sleep. Perhaps I'm in a good mood. It doesn't matter, coz fact is, I'm excited about life, and I'm excited about doing something.
I just hope I can overcome the issues that come with the package. But for now, I'm just going to take a deep breath, organise myself, and acheive something, today I am going do everything that I have in the past few weeks, set aside while I procrastinated, I am going to create a system today, that's going to be more organised and efficient.
So when I come to work, I can blog...muahahaha.
~Life Is Excellent~But Love Is Still An Illusion~
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
I have no idea what happens, but I have reason to believe that it's because of me. I think I have a phobia. I think that I am scared shit of going further, of knowing or letting know too much, of being too close to someone.
I hate to say this but the reason things always work out with me and other people, is because I put in immense effort into making the situation perfect, and perhaps I am very well aware of that I am trying.
The other party may or may not feel nor notice, in fact, how much effort I put into it because they feel completely comfortable. I know that saying that I am the one creating the perfect atmosphere is unfair, snobbish, and arrogant, but why then that when my effort level drops even the slightest amount, do things stop working out?
I take the time and effort to call and fire up a coversation, I take the time, effort, and resources to drive across town to make a visit. Most important of all, I sacrifice all other aspects of life and put full, unabridged attention unto you, so that nothing influences the process of our relationship.
I dont like to whine, but what happens when I stop - you know, forget what happens when I stop, what happens when I pause?
I'll tell you what happens, nothing, nothing happens.
This shows that you are not taking the effort that I am taking, you care less about the situation than I. What more can I say? And am I at fault to feel discouraged?
You dont call to talk, you call to check up or just say hi, well...HI! TO YOU TOO!
You dont visit me, I know it's because of inconvenience transportation, and a billion other excuses that you could give me.
There is no such thing as excuses... it's either you really wanna see me, or you dont.
when I really wanna see someone, I see them. There's no two ways about it. There's nothing more I'm going to say about this.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Perhaps your distance makes me eager, makes me want more than what you'll ever have for me. More than the nothing you so generously throw at me.
I wonder late at night sometimes, whether it would be the same, had situations been different. Perhaps you know in you, that my presence in your life means nothing.
Means a laugh with every heartbeat I lend to you, hoping one day you'd save one for me.
It's alright, I know sometimes people try to nudge their way into the stable lives of others, I see in in mine, minutes in the every day.
But even though my life moves on, your smile will touch my heart every beat of the way. I want you to know that you are a wonderful man.
Love, the illusion.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
I am trying to figure out whether it's me that's creating this change in a friendship or relationship. I am trying to find the fault in me that is making situations feel so akward all of a sudden. I have come up with a thought.
When I meet someone new, it's great, they know nothing about me, and they really wanna know, and there's billions of things to say about me and him, and all of the things that we were never able to say to each other because we didn't know each other.
It's always nice to talk to someone new in your life. But what happens when you've said all that you have to say about yourself and him? What happens when both of you know everything about each other?
At first it's all positive, and then people ask for more. They wonder what happens next. I am scared of that, of the thought of thinking what's next. I dont want what comes next i want what is now. As people converse, they find out more and more about the other person, they become in a way attached to the other person, thinking that they know the person.
They begin to think that just because they know the person, or that they had moments together that were sweet and comfortable, that they automatically belong to each other, and when people think they belong to each other, they begin to demand to know everything about them, feeling offended when they dont get that.
I have learned that no matter how close anyone gets to anyone else, that I am subject to have my own thoughts, my own things, secrets, and events, that I may or may not want to share. I think that when people start prying into me, I start to retract. All of the trust I put into it in the beginning, all the things I use to share because I felt no threaten, all of that changes, I become defensive. I cannot let you in because it's too soon for me.
My past is mine, and things that happen in the past no doubt affects who i am today, but you have no right to force my past from me. You could lend an ear and a shoulder when I need you to be there for me, you could comfort me because the past creeps up sometimes, but you have no right to make me feel guilty for not telling you about it.You have no right to know something that I dont want to tell you.
Everyone has had shit stuff happen to them in the past. Everyone includes me. Imagine if something shitty happened to you, something that impacted your life so much that it hurts everytime that thought even passes through your mind. Imagine that you've been so delusioned because of this event. That it took you months and months, even years, just to be able to wake up in the morning and feel less hurt, never being able to rid yourself of those horrid memories.
Imagine that you've only begun to try and forget and the road has only begun to look upward fro you, imagine that you were almost able to live with that fact, or perhaps even forgotten about the event.
And then imagine someone that you feel happy with dig it up. Demand to know the very details that you put your life into forgetting, imagine someone forcing you to picture the event, play it in your head over and over again. Bringing up that horrible thought, that horrible moment again and again.
You are selfish to do this to me. You are selfish to want to know, you satisfy your curiosity, but what about me? I am left with the scene, flashing through my mind over and over again. Wishing that it was never there. Wishing I wasn't so weak.
These thoughts are mine, and you will never be able to fix it for me.
People change but memories remain, i guess for you, the times have gone will never regain.The you who came was what I least expected, but perhaps it's been masked by pain.
I ask too much for you to let me in, and be someone for you if ever it's the last thing. Perhaps I'm too much a child, with warmth, with heart and words for you.
Emotions for kids, which you've grown away, justa friend to pull you back when you're astray. Perhaps it's too soon, too far, and too much has changed.
You're not the man I use to know.
Someone who has everything yet wants more, more, not only for himself, but more for the people around him. Never have I met a man so eager to know, so eager to think. Never have I met a man with limitations, little to none.
I do not admire the fact that he was born with with a pudding spoon stickin outta his little babied mouth, and the spoon so happened to be silver, or gold or diamond - whatever. I do not admire the fact that his father can give him the world two times over, nor that he could literally buy love.
In fact I strongly disagree to the fact that many women are in the search for this. Boys who's dads have little dollar signs commin out of their ears.
I am greatly inspired though, by the fact that this man, is taking this grave advantage and using it for knowledge, investing it in something that will sooner rather than later give mounding returns. This man's great strive, humbleness, and view towards life itself is intriguing.
For a man to know what he really wants in life is brilliant, for a man to take the step to work on it is exceptional, for a man to stretch and reach for something more when he already has everything, is nearly non-existant.
I think that there are so many people out there who dont know what they want in life, who are just floating and waiting for life to take them away. I think there are too many people who are satisfied with what they have, though they may have nothing. There are so many people who believe that they are what they are now and they will never have the chance to become more than that. So get married and have children, get old and die.
This life of ours is exceptional, there must be something that you really want to do, there must be something that you want to achieve before you die. I just know there is, and why are you being discouraged to do whatever it is you want?
As for me, knowing that there are people out there that make life big, and knowing someone that lives that, is an honor.
wanted, they are valid to me.
Well, im sure you know you are all gorgeous sexy,
irresistable....all the goody goodies, like you said
on your blog.....I share the same sentiments and Im
sure every other guy has told you they want you coz
you are gorgeous,sexy....the list goes on, so I can
say thats what made me notice you but when I got to
talk to you, it was way even better, it was just
terrific, so i wont delve in that stuff coz, you know
you have it, i will just tell you what enchants me to
you.Well, so the stuff is how you make me feel and
what you are in person, its kinda like a mixture,Gush
what a long Intro...im running outa words
now...lol...well i always do.
1)Whenever I talk to you, think about you, see
you..You just make my heart beat the Fastest and yet
the Slowest at the same time,dont ask me to explain
coz i dont even understand it myself...medically
impossible...but thats what really happens.
2)You are Smart,witty,intelligent and somebody who can
challenge me intellectually....well this I can explain
further what it means ...but you are just one of a
kind...come to think of it, its a real turn on!!!!
3)Well, it my sound weird but at times, late at nite
when im awake, i just stay up and think of you, and
the crazy thing is I will be wishing that wherever you
are and whatever you are doing...you will be thinking
about me too...now talk about crazy this is kinda
really crazy but its the truth.
4)You got a way with people and im no.1 on the list
that makes them give a huge smile with their hearts
when they talk to you and think about you and that
aspect is just natural with you...and Im a
victim...lol...yeah I am.
5)You have one unique view and portrayal of life which
is in a way kinda inspiring...well not kinda but
really inspiring...I guess the bottom line is you are
Good....mmmhh...dont ask me, i dont know.
6)Ive always had this huge idea on the kinda lady i
want, and honestly when i first saw you i just thought
you where just this gorgeours sexy and flirtitious
lady, and when i got to talk to you I figured you just
fit the attributes that are most important to me in a
lady and you have even more that i came to realise
that I had skipped. well, well, yeah.
7)You have a carefree attitude and this certain aspect
of independence you exhibit is kinda
scary...mmmhhh...but any normal guy would just worship
the ground you walk on on...if you know what im sayin,
if you dont...will tell you in person.. ha ha ha
8)I guess, i just like you without knowing, how? why?
and even from where...it just happens, Scary
right...well but it feels kinda good though
9) I like you cos you are you, what more can a guy ask
for, gush at times i think you kinda see through me eg
the tym you said when am i goin to get your number,
thats kinda embarrassing, threatening, Scary, but it
just makes the adventure even more interesting and
worth all the while in the world cos...
mmmmmhhh...will continue later when i see you
10)Well, I just get relaxed when im with you, sometyms
too comfy it scares the hell outa me, I just love the
moments though few, that ive spent with you It just feels
right...dont ask me how or why coz i dont know but im sure
you kinda noticed that,im very kinda comfy when with you,
i get to forget about some hectic schedules ...etc
10b)I guess you are able to Isolate those aspects of
everyday events,life and reality and intergrate them
into something concrete, allowing others the pleasure
of contemplating on them, and thats a big turn on, i
guess thats why im so addicted to your Blog and Its
been just a few days.....mmmmmhhhh Who are you? tell
Dont be flattered by all this coz its the truth, i
just said it the way I see it and feel it...
see you soon
but you got to tell me .....WHO ARE YOU??????
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
A heartbeat swirling the sheer bliss of fear and content, the smile of innocence, pondering its absence in light, how much closer is heaven?
Feeling the touch of definite uncertainty, clouds twirling in a stream of essence within. Every movement, every sound, every word; impounded into the soul of a dream imagined as love.
Tomorrow, a witty intelligence invades the loneliness of laughter and tonight becomes - a moment in a million.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
A huge gold pot, standing at attention, welcoming visitors to taste the rare delicacy. Olden tables and chairs, cosy wall fans, a display of herbal pudding, and drinks lined the little refrigerated cabinet under the cash register.We take a seat in the corner on the left. I make it a point to try not to be downwind from where the stuff will finally but set on the table. I took the liberty to order some white fungus drink made with rock sugar, and the one serving of our objective.
Pinching my nose I watched the beautiful golden brown platter being set gently in front of me, swiftly, I nudged it towards Ta. He took a fork, poked a piece, and into his mouth it went. Straight faced he chewed and swallowed. I couldn't believe it. There was nothing, no reaction, his taste buds must have been deactivated, the receptors to his nose failing.
OMG! Smell it I said, just breath it in before you take another bite, you'll enjoy it so much more. lol . Stooping his nose barely a centimeter from the horror, he took a huge whif. I could almost feel the pungent stench get stuck in his throat, as he hesitates to breath in further or exhale as quick as humanly possible.I can see it in his face now. He finally realises that he just swallowed something that smells like a sewer! No more "not my cup of tea" stuff he was brought up to politely express. Dis stuff smell like SHITE! There's no other way to put it. It tastes the way it
smells, so there's nowhere to run.
I told you so Ta, I told you so.
Monday, October 03, 2005
I know, I know I'm actin like a 12 year old, making her first call to a boy, heh. Now I'm just glad to have him as a friend, and as for the liking, I am tired of liking, and love, and obsession and lust, and all that junk that leads nowhere. Especially for people who are still in transition. ie myself.
I have this feeling though that he only answered the call because he didn't know who it was, because the phone I was using doesn't give out a number sometimes. Great, now I'll never know. But it's ok, he was nice, brief but nice. I said that I saw him at the club, and he said he saw me too, heh, stating the obvious is funny sometimes. Akward, but nice.
A little relieved, I feel the irony in the pit of my tummy. I'm not going to try anymore, to force something in a direction that it doesn't wanna go. I feel a little sad, like I just wanna sit myself in the corner of my room and cry. I feel a little disappointed and self-concious, I wonder to myself whether I'm too much, and that I should tone myself down a notch.
I always know who I am and exactly how I want to be, but people who have been rejected have the right to feel crappy about themselves. So I'm taking this opportunity, dont mind me.
Ar, thank you, just for being you.
On the other side of town, Ta and I are goin to try some special Hong Kong delicacy, I dont know what it's called, but it's a tofu that has been fermented. I heard that they leave the tofu there for a months, unpreserved, and when it starts to smell like shit, it's ready. Literally, it stinks.
Ta mentioned that he enjoyed tasting new types of food, he's in for it this time. You see, this stuff is nasty, disgusting, and smells horrible, in chinese, the stuff is called "stinky tofu", tofu that smells like shit. You know shit, right, big pile of cow dung, dog poo, you gettin the picture?lol
We'll see what happens tonight, stay tuned.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Neither his presence nor absence is of complete essence, within the wound it leaves, a rawness stings of horror.
It's always easier to smile it all away. To hide those things where they cannot be seen. It's always easier to laugh and play, than paint the face you fear.
Oh, Dear Lord Heavenly Father, please forgive me for I have sinned.
It's a battle I fight myself. A battle I can only win without you in the rink.
People say you laugh with others but cry alone. Believe this, for no other being , human, can ever apprehend your cries of sorrow. They can try, but they will never know.
Right now I can only but say I'm sorry, for not being perfect for you, for fearing perfection.