Memories Cannot Be Changed

The thing about relationships and people is that we never know how things are going to change. Over and over again, I experience this sudden immediate transition in people's attitudes, reactions, thoughts and just the whole feeling that was there that's not there anymore. The excitement, the mystery, the sweet times just somehow fade away, and everything seems a task.

I am trying to figure out whether it's me that's creating this change in a friendship or relationship. I am trying to find the fault in me that is making situations feel so akward all of a sudden. I have come up with a thought.

When I meet someone new, it's great, they know nothing about me, and they really wanna know, and there's billions of things to say about me and him, and all of the things that we were never able to say to each other because we didn't know each other.

It's always nice to talk to someone new in your life. But what happens when you've said all that you have to say about yourself and him? What happens when both of you know everything about each other?

At first it's all positive, and then people ask for more. They wonder what happens next. I am scared of that, of the thought of thinking what's next. I dont want what comes next i want what is now. As people converse, they find out more and more about the other person, they become in a way attached to the other person, thinking that they know the person.

They begin to think that just because they know the person, or that they had moments together that were sweet and comfortable, that they automatically belong to each other, and when people think they belong to each other, they begin to demand to know everything about them, feeling offended when they dont get that.

I have learned that no matter how close anyone gets to anyone else, that I am subject to have my own thoughts, my own things, secrets, and events, that I may or may not want to share. I think that when people start prying into me, I start to retract. All of the trust I put into it in the beginning, all the things I use to share because I felt no threaten, all of that changes, I become defensive. I cannot let you in because it's too soon for me.

My past is mine, and things that happen in the past no doubt affects who i am today, but you have no right to force my past from me. You could lend an ear and a shoulder when I need you to be there for me, you could comfort me because the past creeps up sometimes, but you have no right to make me feel guilty for not telling you about it.You have no right to know something that I dont want to tell you.

Everyone has had shit stuff happen to them in the past. Everyone includes me. Imagine if something shitty happened to you, something that impacted your life so much that it hurts everytime that thought even passes through your mind. Imagine that you've been so delusioned because of this event. That it took you months and months, even years, just to be able to wake up in the morning and feel less hurt, never being able to rid yourself of those horrid memories.

Imagine that you've only begun to try and forget and the road has only begun to look upward fro you, imagine that you were almost able to live with that fact, or perhaps even forgotten about the event.

And then imagine someone that you feel happy with dig it up. Demand to know the very details that you put your life into forgetting, imagine someone forcing you to picture the event, play it in your head over and over again. Bringing up that horrible thought, that horrible moment again and again.

You are selfish to do this to me. You are selfish to want to know, you satisfy your curiosity, but what about me? I am left with the scene, flashing through my mind over and over again. Wishing that it was never there. Wishing I wasn't so weak.

These thoughts are mine, and you will never be able to fix it for me.