Friday, September 30, 2005

The Story You've All Been Waiting For - Another Thursday Night

I'm sure everyone's dyin to know what happened Thursday night.I can't say that it was amazing, but I can say that it was interesting.

I drove down to the club alone. I've always been a loner that way. I did second thought the fact that I was going to a club alone, but that's the way I like things. Alone I can absorb the whole environment, the whole thing, without bias.

Of course I wont lie and say that I was going without expectations. But like I said I'm a poeple person, I enjoy being around alot of people. I enjoy being able to analyse each person, and find out more about man kind, and how they behave.

As I slipped into my corner - woofers stage right, I just felt so comfortable. I didn't have to dance, I didn't have to do anything if I didn't want to. Coming with people, they stand with you, and dance in front of you and start vivaciously bouncing around in front of you. I feel an obligation to start moving, but that's not my style. I feel akward, and insecure. I dont like to feel insecure.

Two pretty girls in their short skirts and pretty faces were shakin their bodies like anything, damn if I were a man, I'd just pick her up and f*ck her. Alas, I'm not. One of the girls came over to me. Asked me why I wasn't dancing. Oh gawd, I thought. Leave me alone...

Of course I smiled and said go ahead, you guys go ahead. She pulled me onto the empty dance floor, and insisted that I did some moves. Oh gawd. She reminds me alot of myself. Had I known how to dance, and looked good doing it, I would have done the exact same thing.

She knows she looks good, and she knows she got da moves. She's confident. She, La and her friend Se, the two of them wanted to be in the middle of everything. Young girls they were, 17 I believe. One of them said, I lets go right in the middle. I led the way to the platform, they were making a fuss over wanting to dance up there, and being shy about it. I said let's go, pulled them over, pushed them on stage. I'm sure they were greatful for my presence.Once they were up there, enjoying the guys eyeing them, I got myself outta there.

By that time the dance floor was packed. I crawled back into my little corner and felt safe again. Two weeks ago Thursday, I was supposed to meet up with and ex boyfriend of mine. Being friends for 8 years now we have a healthy friendship. Well, if you dont count the many times he stood me up and all the promises i forgave him for breaking, we were and are great.

We met up outside, and just started off where we left off the last time we chatted - perhaps a year ago. He told me his deepest secrets and I listened. It's just like that. As we walk back into the club, I analyse the men, it's different, just different.

We hung out a little, and I was on my way. I really needed to find my little corner and just hang. I wanted to feel the sound beneath me, I wanted to complete my analysis. I noticed a few girls staring at me like, I was a bitch. That kind of hurt me. But I know that I'm better than that and I dont have to walk like them or talk like them or dress like them or dance like them, to get the same attention that they get from guys.

I'm my own person, and there's no further explaination for it. I met up with Yf, the guy I met playing basketball. He said that last time he came to the club, he was bored, and had nothing to do. I promised him that next time he could dance with me and he wouldn't be bored. Of course I pre-warned him about my horrendous dancing skills.

I saw alot of the people I've been seeing the past few weeks. I think it makes me feel safe that I am able to see those faces every time I go there. It's like the show Cheers, in a weird, twisted way. lol .

I was walking back from VIP, where I left my ex, and I saw him, Ar. Shit, I knew that there was no point in even trying. I knew that I should just leave things the way they are. For the first time that night, I felt bad. Really bad.

I wanted to go over, but I knew he'd shove me away. I wanted to just hug him and take him away, and never come back. But I didn't, I just stood there, a few feet away, watching him.I tried not to think about it. But he was there, right in front of my corner, infesting it, with his gorgeously mysterious manner.

After zoning out of that manifesting thought, I saw a guy, looked like a pimp from Yale. I dont know what it was about dancing with him. It just worked out. I didn't feel uncomfortable, I didn't feel threatened, and he wasn't trying to feel me up. It was complementing, it as relaxing, I was able to put my guard down for awhile.

Later on, I was really tired, and just hung out wit Yf, in the corner with my woofers, and a view straight ahead of Ar. I moved along to the music, trying not to think. I felt sorta safe there with Yf, he's a good friend.

It was closin time soon after. I walked out with Yf, and there he was, Ar, just standing there, I know he knew I was coming his way. He tried to advoid but he had no where to go. I read hesitation, I almost past before he said "hey" with a swift movement, turning away from me.
*sigh*~~*long long sigh*

I said goodbye to my ex, Sr, We hugged and he told me that he's going back to Indonesia next week, his intentions of returning are undecided. *Sigh*Sigh*Sigh*

I walk towards the exit, seeing familiar faces all over the place. I saw the guy, the one I danced with, the one felt so relaxed with. I think I might have said hi, or perhaps he said hi. But it doesn't matter, we started talking, and we just kept on talking.

I was thinkin, this guy has one weirded out He looked sophisticated, sounded sophisticated, and later I found that he is sophisticated. I enjoy that art of conversation, and people who can be creative in making a conversation sound pretty.

Ambitious, one of the factors that greatly inspire my interests of thought. I believe a man should set a goal and set an allocated amount of time to work for it, and after that, chill, and party.

Ta and I sat at a nearby cafe, and talked and laughed and laughed some more, until the early hours of the morning. Though they might have been there, I neither saw nor heard, any bad intentions.

These are the men that put the hope back into untrusting little girls like me.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Birthday Bash

Tuesday September 27, 2005 is my itty bitty brother's 17th birthday. He's off in a boarding school. Probably having the time of his life. He's been away for a few years now. I think it's good for him. To be alone, to learn to be independent. I smsed him today, told him happy birthday. He told me thank you.

I sorta miss him, he's the kind of kid who's really stubborn, you could catch him red handed doin something really bad, and he could still look into your eyes and tell you that it wasn't him. I haven't seen him for really long time, maybe half a year. Our family doesn't really stress on being together all the time, we'd probably kill each other by the third day, thing is that distance creates closeness, it creates the thought, the wonder, and brings out the fact that you have a brother and you haven't really talked to him. And when these bursts of feelings come by, you'll really love your brother. When you see him, you just wanna be really nice. That's why I never really feel home sick when I live away from my family, because I know that when I do see my family, thought we are not affectionate, we do little things for each other that mean alot, even if it's something little like my little brother offering to wash my dish. It's things that he'd never do for you before, when you guys lived together, that he'd be so willing to do for you now, just coz he's the brother and I'm the sister.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005. Hm's birthday. Tuesday night we were supposed to celebrate. I thought it'd be nice if we could do something simple to celebrate. If I had cash, I would have made it big, invite the whole neighborhood. With thirty bucks, twenty for gas, and ten for toll, I was on the line, having invited a whole group of his friends to join the celebration.

I felt kinda stupid, I didn't know anyone of his friends. Just saw em once before, what would they think of me? Further more, I had but an hour to shit out a cake and get my butt to the hour away destination.

Having already put myself in a situation that could only be reversed had I not been so enthusiastic, optimistic and convincing about the plans. I did something I haven't done for years. I don't like to complain, and i don't like to whine about things already done, not alot of things impact my being who I am, and my strong values.

Not many things embarrass me, but what I did that night did. I contemplated which would be more embarrassing, letting down a bunch of Hm's closest friends, and Hm himself, or to ask for money from my parents?

I have been supporting myself for quite awhile now. Even when I had to do with a 50 buck allowance a month in college, I never said a word. It was a big step for me. I locked myself in my room for an hour thinking of alternatives, thinking, planning every word I was going to say, backing out every five minutes or so.

I kept thinking about, that's all I did. Just kept thinking, waiting for the right opportunity. Can't say it now they're having dinner, can't say it now, he's taking a bite into his chicken, so maybe after he takes his bite. No can't do that he would be chewing his after he takes a bite. Maybe I can tell him when he swallows, ok that's good, when he swallows, chew, chew, ok I think he's going to swallow now, damn, missed, he took another bite. damnit, I'll just tell him after dinner, ok..shit forget it. I'll just not go - no I have to do this comeon.damnit what's wrong with me?

So after an hour of that I finally did it, I asked, I waited for the million and one responses they'd give me. My dad chose response 351, the reprimanding question of why I'm asking for money. I expected as much, this is what I ws always trying to advoid. Other people ask their parents for
money, I don't, I either find it somewhere, or I starve.

Anyways that's that, got a cake, got to the place. Hung out with Hm, accidently made him annoyed with me, almost lost my temper and just left, but I told myself I could be mad later, people really shouldn't be down on their birthday.

It was supposed to be a surprise, I'm a real surprise kind of girl. Imagine, you figured nothing was going to happen on your birthday, your friends probably forgot or were too busy. You arranged to meet up with a girl, and figured, well, it'd be cool if all your friends were there, but hanging with her is cool. You'll settle.

She wants to take you to a romantic place, she asks you to close your eyes, she leads you, you open your eyes, and everyone is there, warmly welcoming you. Today's your day.

It didn't really work out as I thought it would. I didn't get to see the look on his face when he walked in to see his closest friends gathered to wish him happiness on his birthday, i wished I'd been there. My ultimate goal in life is to ensure the happines of the people around me. I hope he was happy.

I hope he wonders how i got the idea in the first place, i hope he knows that I really didn't mean to walk away. Just that I really couldn't face him.


Sunday The Continued

Sunday, new found lovers flaunt for lunch dates, intercepted by two others who decided to join. Date it is not longer. Mr. B calls me, I pass it to my couz. They spark up a conversation. I start giggling. It's cute, I greatly respect and support the people my couzez are into, even if the guy annoys da hell outta me.

But Mr. B, damn - he's of another species. A year ago, I might have leaped at the opportunity, knowing someone like Mr.B would be the pride of the land. I'd show manipulations twisted to the bone. I took a look at Mr.B, I thought - perfect - perfection scares the shit outta me. I despise perfection.

I figured, well, if I'm not interested, not point wasting the handsome face. Encouraging my couzez to go for it, not to be reluctant. If it works then it does and if it doesn't, oh well.

This Sunday I planned to play basketball. All the stress, the bits and pieces of pain I swallow build up and I need to let it go. I play. I play and play and play. I invited HL and Zt to join me. Reluctantly they did.

I was glad that they were able to share that time with me. I felt the love. They hate basketball, they would never play. This Sunday, they did. Thank you. It means alot to me that they were able to meet a loyal friend of mine. I would have done the same.

I met Yf and Au on another court. We played, we chatted. It was good. We arranged for a quick dinner with my cousins, those two and I. Then had a chat session later on. I'm honored to be one of the first of friends to Yf in this country, foreign to his own, friendship is treasured.

On another note, there is a friend that I have missed for almost a week now. I wonder where he has gone, until yesterday I thought he might have died. I guess sometimes when people get bored of other people, they make like their dead and perhaps other people may start to believe.

For a week I've been trying to contact him, to no avail. First I thought that he didn't hear the call, but as the week went on, I figured that couldn't be it. The guy that gets a million and one calls every hour, left his phone for a few days? I think not.

Then I figured he probably went out of town. Right. He had classes, lots of assignments, and tests and he went out of town. My cousin consoled me, perhaps he's showering...uhhhHA! He took a 48 hour long shower, that must be it!

Alright, alright, he probably dropped his phone in the river, no he left it in his room, and went out...for three days...I think he's dead, that reason is easier. Damn.

I confirmed his much aliveness last night. I was disappointed that he'd just make like he's dead, but I guess that's how it should have been. Afterall he's the one who told me. Dont say it, just do it. No point telling someone that you no longer want to talk to them, no point talking to them if you have nothing to say, if there's nothing you want from them. *sigh*

It's at these times that irony overfills my life, and I think twice about doing things that would affect other people. It's times like these that I look back and reflect. It's at times like these that I realise that I deserve this. That I deserve to be hurt.

I wish that he could tell me what I did wrong, I wish he could tell me why I couldn't be a friend to him. I wish that he'd tell me something. I wish he's tell me that I was a bitch, or mean, or stupid or something. At least I'd know why he decides not to be a friend to me. Am I not a good friend to you?

Am I such that you fear to befriend me? I dont think that I'm a bitch, I dont think that I'm mean. I respect your veiws, I apologise when I do something wrong. Why do you ignore my mere existance?


Monday, September 26, 2005

Phew! What a Week!

It's been a long week, many things have been going on, there is no better place to begin the story than the beginning of the middle of a day in the life of me.

Monday, work.
Tuesday, work.
Wednesday, work.
Thursday, after work, was a night hangin in the corner of a club, right next to the woofers. That's what would have happened, had alcohol not done it's job that night. The night started out a little slow, probably due to the fact that my time of arrival was much earlier than expected.

Picking up a friend didn't help time tick any quicker than the sixty in a minute, though excellent company. Too, early, no one inside, nothing to do, I decided to chat up a conversation with the bouncer, he nice...until...the worst thing happened, he pulled out my precious grey hair!

He spotted it, waiting to prance at the prey, staring, waiting, and with a yank, a squeal. It was gone - my precious precious right grey hair, the symbol of my womenhood, of my supposed maturity, the sign of getting old and wise, gone.

Now - I have but one grey hair, I've named it Mr. Grey Left. Mrs. Grey had passed on. The once pride of my life, my two grey hairs, one on the left and one on the right. It remains but singular now.

I was contemplating previously about whether I should make that fatal decision. Little did I know that I had no control over what would happen. I have come to a conclusion that it's ok, though I took three days to mourn my now dead grey hair, life goes on even when a part of you have been broken.

Friday, didn't work, take a guess why...picked up Zt at night, hung out a little with a friend, met up with HL and sang our hearts out. Three beautiful ladies, went to sing, who knew that we had such beautiful voices to go with our pretty faces, and smart, witty attitudes. It was great.

Wee hours of Saturday Morning - Picked up HL's friend from out of town and met Mr. B. Wow! Handsome, dashing, tall, sporty, perfect smile, perfect eyes, perfect nose, perfect body. Mister perfect. Did I mention single?

After chatting, with Mr.B, more so admiring his perfection, we crashed at my house. Parents and all. We slept barely an hour, got outta there, and started our day. We used my car. The hopeless piece of junk. Free sauna, anyone. My aircond broke down, it was just sun, and heat waves comin from the opened windows, one which doesn't even open.

We had no idea where to go, anywhere with aircond, and cold water to drink was our only wish. We chose a mall about ten devastating minutes away. Zt and I settled ourselves at a cafe, famed for it's indulgingly addictive cheesecakes. We ordered a slice each and six glasses of water. What can you say, it was friggin hot outside.

HL and her friend decided to head off in a different direction. Zt and I just wanted to drink water. We laughed and talked, of none other than love and life. We stumbled onto the fact that we had nowhere to go and nothing to do. It was Saturday night!

A coupla guys were trying to contact me throughout the day. They asked me out on a date, but I dont usually like to leave my cousin for a date that I'm not really sure of. I decided that we could catch some dinner with that guy, so that we'd have something to do that night. Simultaneously, Zt was doing some of her own, planning. She set up a meeting with one of her high school friends.

In the end we sorta double booked. Two guys coming from my side, and one guy from hers. So in total, three guys and two girls. Akward - is all I can say to that. Akward, somewhat annoying, scarey, pressured.

I dont know what to say about it. I dont know what i was thinking, I didn't anticipate that it would happen this way. I think it was a disasterous night. This is what happened, three guys came to this dinner, all with their intentions.

One guy's objective was to sweet talk da girl to be his girlfriend, but dissing the other guys for wanting to sleep wit da girl. Another wanted to sleep with da girl, showing it in very obvious manners. The other wanted both, but was just acting cool about it, taking it easy, seeing and respecting the situation.

In the heat of the messed up situation, though I think all three had set horrible intentions, I think that the man who originally wanted to take me on that date, was more respectful that night.

I disrespect the men who did not offer to split the bill. I more so disrespect the men who came with intentions and still didn't offer to split the bill. I respect the man who paid the bill, and said nothing when he didn't get to sleep with me. I respect him for being cool about the situation, and
perhaps I might even start to believe just a little that he did want to get to know me.

I'm not a materialistic person, but I think that the handling of money and bills, shows and tells alot about a person. I analyse everything that goes on, on a date. Especially the first date. There are some things that I am very particular about. Small things, that I just pick up that annoy the hell outta me.

I have nothing more to say about that, except that even if a guy is a little more reserved, he still has his intentions, and I can see right through his struggle to hide it.

Sunday...phew I'll have to put a to be continued sign here. Got work tomorrow. Signing off.

~Love is an Illusion~

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

On Sunday Morning

On Sunday morning, I got up, got dressed and went outside. Got into my car, and saw that the stretch of road in front of me was jam packed. I searched through my almost stagnant morning brain, and thought curiously why, on a Sunday morning, the road in front of my house would be car-filled.

Ah, I remember now. There are three churches surrounding my house! How smart can one possibly be?! I'm already a guilty sinner for not making time for church, but they were just rubbing it in a little, situating not one or two, but THREE friggin churches with in a stone's throw from my bedroom window. Further, parading around in their cars at 11 in the morning, wearing their Sunday's best! It must be a sign! God is talking to me, He's reachin out for me.

I said a little prayer that morning. I thanked God for all the things He's given to me, and prayed in Jesus' name.

I visited a friend in town, we hung out, talked, and later decided to make my way back home. I took a detour right in front of my house, to the 7-11 to buy some stuff. I got back into my car, the radio was playing a song I can't recall, I stepped on the clutch, geared in and reversed.

What da F*ckin Sh*t was dat!?! I felt, more than I heard, the BANG, more like a FROOP. The car recoiled after having hit the car driving by behind me. I turned to look out my back window, nothing. I quickly glanced at my rear view, and saw the butt of the car driving out of the mirror view. I thought SHIT.

I turned off the radio, un-fastened my seat belt, and went to check out the damage. The plastic thingy that was supposed to be on my bumper was not there anymore, it lay peacefully on the granite road in front of me.

I shot a look at the car I hit. It was so much worse than my poor dented bumper. I wanted to smile a "phew" and thank goodness it was just my bumper. I stood for a minute as the guy tried to get out of his car. His door no longer wished to open.


The victim said nothing, he was nice really, he explained that we had to go and make a police report and that he'd claim from my insurance. I'd probably get a fine for it being my fault. I was ok with that. HE exchanged details, and I went home, wondering whether I should turn myself in.

I called a couple of friends, for their opinion on whether I should waste my time going to make a report. They convinced me that being a good citizen, I should make the report, so that there are no further inconveniences in the future.

I lazed on my bed, going through what happened, just waiting till the cloud of smoke cleared away from my body and mind. At about 8pm, I took a drive down to the police station. Everything was going good.

I filled in the form, which was in Malay, I had to ask for help from the officer on duty. He was nice. Later on, I had to go and see an investigator. The police kept giggling at me, probably because I didn't really understand what they said because they spoke so fast, and probably because I look funny when I dont understand what people are saying.

As I sit there being summoned three hundred bucks for making a mistake, Mister Police Man Guy puts on a stern face. Your license is expired!

WHAT?!?! The wind was blown outta me, SHIT! What more could go wrong!? I took a moment to think back, damn, I've been illegally roaming the streets of KL, for almost two weeks. One of the nights being the night that I was pulled over during a road block for drinking barely any beer. I can't believe they overlooked the fact that my license was expired that day.

In the end everything was sorted out, and I went home. I'd like to think that what happened to me was a blessing. Had I not hit the other car, I would not have noticed that my license was expired. I believe that God was trying to send me a message that day. Though it was a weird way of doing so. I like to think that He saved me from a bigger disaster.

So the moral of the story is...everything happens for a reason. A good reason. You just have to find the good in every situation thought it may be wrapped in shit.

Friday, September 16, 2005


Today is Friday. Today I am going to sit down, and write a list. Lists help me analyse the status of my life. Whether at this point in time, I am going to allow myself to slack, relax, and take life easy for awhile, or work like a mule to achieve something, I dont know which yet.

Right now, I'm walking out of line. There is no organisation, no planning, and worst of all above stated, no budgeting. I am ashamed to be in the situation that I am in, but I know that it's something that I'm going through to get myself back on track again. My life has always been about consistant inconsistency.
I do something really wrong, and then I buck up for awhile, then I slack, then I pull myself up again. It's an easily identifiable characteristic in me, I try to overcome it mostly just by keeping optimistic.

Excellent things that I have achieved in my life were the times I pulled myself together and really committed everything to it. Painful experiences that I've gone through were mostly due to slacking. Both ways, I've learned inconceivable lessons that mold my thoughts, my mind and my emotions for the next carbonated drink to fill me.

Aspirations/Dreams/Daily Life Routine/Other

1. Continue learning to play the violin.
2. Get my IR
3. Get my Masters
4. Learn to dance
5. Bungee Jumping
6. Base Jumping
7. Hang Gliding
8. Sky Diving
9. Exercise
10. Make time for Basketball11. Swim again
12. Fit into swim suite
13. Look good in swim suite
14. Get a manicure, pedicure, and a facial.
15. Consume at least 5 servings of Veggies and fruits per day.
16. Make sure phone bill is less than RM100 per month.
17. Get Streamyx at home - be able to afford it.
18. Rent a place of my own.
19. Get furniture for the place of my own.
20. Get a hip sound system and TV, even if I'm not that into music nor TV
21. Nice fridge stocked with food and snacks all the time
22. Paint my new place with colors of my own choice.
23. Take better care of skin.
25. Try washing my own clothes.
26. Try ironing my own clothes.
27. Cook
28. Wake up at 6am every morning
29. Sleep at 11pm every night.
30. Read news paper daily
31. Read a book a fortnight/month/week.
32. Try to get in da groove with music.
33. Buy CD's
34. Get a book shelf for my books.
35. File my documents and put them on the shelf.
36. Get colored contact lenses (just for the fun of it)
37. Pay insurance
38. Pay study laon
39. Take art classes
40. Take business classes.
41. Take Public speaking classes.
42. Take Drama classes
43. Upgrade my car
44. Learn how to surf the internet patiently
45. Get new shoes
46. Start savings for my kids.
47. Keep a journal
48. Work at work.
49. Go out only on weekends.
50. Go home after work.
51. Go over college books.
52. Visit Japan again
53. Visit Hong Kong again
54. Visit China again
55. Visit Thailand again
56. Visit Papua New Guinea again
57. Australia
58. Europe
59. Definitely India
60. Visit Grandparents in AZ
61. Visit uncles & cousins in AZ, CA, WA...where ever they may move to.
62. Learn french, chinese, malay, spanish, german.
63. Go to church
64. Read the bible
65. Buy more dresses
66. Wear more dresses
67. Meet more people
68. Catch up with friends
69. Dont get involved with men right now.

My main aim is to stablise my lifestyle, and work towards something. There are somethings that I can do now, and there are some things that I am going to have to work on. It wont be hard, I'm going to take it one step at a time. If I always have it in my mind, everything I do will be for this cause. If everything I do is for the cause of my dreams, then I wont do things that stray from this.

For example, when I want to do something, I'll think about how it will affect what I want. If it would cause a dramatic diversion to the path I want to take, then I will not do it. First I have to find out what I want to do, and where I'm going to start. Only when I know what I want, can I begin to work for it.

Wish me luck.


Last night I went on a date. We met a whoopin five years ago, and haven't seen each other since. Until last night. Opening the door of his dark green Diahatsu, I was surprised I could still recognise him.

We chose a little cafe near my house and sat till the wee hours of the morning. We talked, like we never talked before. Literally, we never really talked before. We've seen each other around, we sorta knew each other, we said hi sometimes online, but wen never really talked.

I enjoyed telling the million and one stories I have about weird men I meet, and he enjoyed laughing at them. It was an excellent combination. The ice blended mocha drink I had a rich scoop of chocolate ice cream, topped with a dark chocolate syrup. I figured that if the night went bad, at least I had a delicious drink.

It was a great night. I haven't dug those stories up in a long time. I'm sure I missed out some of the details, and probably twisted some of the facts, but I spoke up memories I didn't know still existed. It was therapeutic.

We checked out his office, it was empty, not a soul in sight. Dark, quiet, guy, girl - does anything pop into your mind? I thought it was exoctic. As I looked around, there was no sign of cameras, lots of corners. It flashed through my mind, it was the perfect movie setting of an office make out session.

I imagined, just for a moment, what it would be like had I come with someone else. As for my dear lost, now found friend, nothing happened. I should have and it might have, but it didn't.

Perhaps I'm not up to it anymore. Perhaps, it wasn't the right guy, but definitely not the wrong place and time. So in the end, I went home. I had a good time.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


Let's not lie to each other, I know you wanna be free, and not be with me anymore, go and do your things, go and have fun! Go to Europe or something, you can't live these dreams with me around, I'm only a burden, I know I am, so we should not see each other anymore. We are getting no where, nothing can be fixed according to you, let's do it now instead of later, whadya say? Go and hunt for the sexy man of yer dreams and live your life! I am goin far away to work, and it's gonna be even harder if we stay on.

We have nothing together anymore, so dont call or come over without an appointment, this is the real deal! I'm sick of it, I'm sick of 'us' n sick of everything, there was never a 'us' anyway - hah - the irony! You better get up and go to work, coz it's the last I will wake you up - thank you for everything yea, hope you had fun all these times, did you? At least answer some of my smses, better wake up and be early! Goodbye echez - signing off here.

The house key, later you can give back, when you're free, I will send your stuff over, dont come and take, I said I will send it, so do you think this is a good thing? I want your opinion, dont just say okay, so please answer when I call later on, if you can that is, if not - nvm la - I dont want to do this thru sms, but I gotta get hold of ya to tell ya! Hv a very nice life in whatever u do, if we are meant to be together, we will one day, right now I dont think so - not at all.



As for the questions you put to me, you no longer have the privilige to access that information.

I Want More!

After all has been said, it's only fair to analyse, what I want from a man. Men are always wanting something from me, is it fair to say that, when I may be wanting something from them too? Everybody wants something from everyone. Am I being unfair to judge men in such manner?

I am a very people person. I get along very well with people, well, at least i think i do. I believe that I put the spark in the conversation. Making it fun, getting people to relax around me, there's nothing to it. Let people know that you won't judge them. Let them know that whatever they decide to say, you're going to accept, and not shoot them down like an automatic from a helicopter.

When I meet a man, the first thing I want is to make him laugh. I want him to smile, I wanna say something that would dumbfound his senses. Amazing . That's what I want them to think. Wait a minute, did she just insult me? I want him to be confused, just for a minute, he'll remember me, he'll be more relaxed to say what's on his mind.

I want attention, I want care, I want a man to notice me, to accept me, for who I am and for who I'm not. I want him to hope with me for something better. My ultimate goal in life is to make one man, feel on top of the world, in every manner. I want a man to miss me, to want to be with me, to be proud of me, to smile when he hears my name.

I need him to support me in finding my dreams in life. I want to help him reach his.I want to be the woman behind the successful man. I want to be the one he shows off to his friends, the one he takes drinking with his friends. I wanna be the one he plays basketball with, his perfect companion, his perfect lover, his perfect lady.

Perfect, mistakes included.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Sweet Nights, Bitter Mornings

There are times in everyone's lives where they are in a rut. For me, the time is now, emotional rut, financial rut, socially on the high. The perfect combination, not?

Being in an emotional rut, more so a financial rut, restricts me from being the me that I should be, I'm more vulnerable, insecure, and just down right not in the shape to leave my normal comfort zone, work and home.
If I can help it I never leave the house with less than enough to bring me somewhere and back - twice.

Last night was a great exception. I can't say whether it turned out good, or bad in the end. What I do know is that people can say anything, can promise anything to get what they want. In the end they just forget what they promised. Again, you are left feeling vulnerable, a little hurt, and embarrassed at yourself for even thinking that he cared, that he gave a damn.

Having two bucks in my pocket and a four buck toll, you can imagine the disaster I walked into when I decided to make that trip.

If I hadn't learned not to trust men that night, there was at least one thing that I did learn. News travels like lightning before a thunder storm, within a few hours of my arrival at my destination, the word was out that I was around. I can't say whether that's a good thing on my part. I don't particularly enjoy being stalked. One day I may encounter a sniper - or he may have an encounter with me.

I had a chance to confirm an already well known fact in the encyclopedia of men chapter one one seven point thirty one, location, echez files of constant changes. It states that under any seductive essence of influence, men have the grave tendency to say anything that magnitizes force towards a particular direction - down.

I also learned that all men, are using all girls. Take an example of a few types of women, one is hot yet dumb. The other brainy, yet not so hot. The next is dumb and ugly, and the final, hot and smart.

The arguement held by a male was that nothing would be acheived with dating a dumb hot gal. The man would learn nothing from her. I said that's the point! Why would you want frustration, and anger and complication when you could f*ck, f*ck, and f*ck some more, with a hot chick!?What more could a man ask for?

Trying to get testimonial evidence, I failed to get the guilty man to admit that actually I was right, but he couldn't possibly say that in front of me, a girl. So moving on to a smart, not so hot lookin gal. I asked, what good reason does a man have to date with a smart girl, who is utterly unattractive? Half expecting either truth or lie, I received a peculiar reply. Being with a smart girl I can learn alot of things. "Huh? What? She gonna correct your grammer or sumthin?"
He said that dumb girls are easy to deal with, the hard thing is to tame a lady who has brains. So his arguement was that he'd go out with smart, not so good looking girls, so that he could learn how to deal with them, because smart girls are the hardest to handle, and if he could handle a smart girl, then he could handle all girls. So going out with a smart girl right now is just a step he's taking to learn how to deal with someone better later.

We didn't get into discussion about the smart, hot girls, as something else was running through my head. " So, which one am I?" couldn't believe that actually came out of my mouth. I didn't want to be anyone of those, and worse I was afraid of the answer he was going to utter. I know it's wrong for me to classify people in such catagory, but this classification is made soley to prove a point on the views of men.

Anyways, so which one am I? Which do you think I am? He hesitated as I pin pointed him to his opinion. "You really wanna know?" He asked. "Sure" I replied in non chalence.

Hesitation - that answers all my questions, he could have said nothing and I would have already known. Hesitation shows uncertainty, he was uncertain about calling me hot, attractive, sexy, pretty, beautiful. He had to think about what he had to say, so that he wouldn't hurt my feelings. By saying nothing for that unnoticeable millisecond, I had already known my verdict.
He came up with smart and cute. CUTE! - Ugly but Adorable...UGLY! *shiver* I want to hear no more.

I said "OK". I know it means nothing to me, I know that this was just some stupid words, I know I dont need people to tell me that I'm pretty and sexy and smart. But I wanted to let it sink in this time, I wanted to know how it felt to depend on what people say about you for happiness.

It didn't work, I know I'm pretty, and smart, and different and special. You'll never be able to budge that. Sorry.

Moving on, I felt a little stunned, a little out of place, a little weird. Perhaps he is just trying to learn something from me. Because heaven knows, I know alot.

Everyone's looking for something to take.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Don't Say It, Just Do It

There are many things that people just dont like to admit, especially things that people find difficulty in doing. For me, it's saying no.

I have always wanted everything. I wanna help people, I wanna do stuff for people, I wanna meet people, I wanna go out, I want to be cared for, I want to care for someone, I want someone talkative, I want someone who says nothing, I want everything, and wanting everything clashes with the laws of nature.

When it comes to men, one can't have everything. Conflicts begin, people pull away. People use force, worst of all they use emotions.

What happens when there's more than one man that intrigues you? That attracts you? Or that is attracted to you? Intrigued by you?

There's a part in everyone of them that you just wanna pool together and form that perfect man. But you can't.

If you choose one, you lose the rest, even as friends. They're gone, they wanna keep their ego, rather than your friendship, but even if they do remain friends, it'll never be the same again.

It's a selfish act, to want everything.

In a few weeks, I've done a really swell job at getting myself twisted, like growing vines on a picket fence. Worst thing is, not only am I fully aware that I'm hurting other people, I'm knowingly hurting myself.

I didn't know that this would happen, I didn't know that every step that I take, I dig a hole behind me, and if you follow too close, you'll fall.Sometimes I take a step backwards and fall in myself. If only someone would take a step aside and walk with me.

I didn't mean for you to fall and hurt yourself. Is it my fault?=O is it because we kissed? I know what you want, but I dont know what I want, I want everything. Not just something.

It'd be my fault if I didn't call it quits. Not because I dont want you, but because I dont know what I want, I want everything, and that will hurt you. I dont want that.

In fact, if I didn't feel so strongly about loyalty, I'd be a female equivalent of a pimp. And I'd have the lota ya!

If I can't have it all, I'd rather have nothing at all. I'm a greedy and a selfish bitch, I know, and that is why I have to make this move. I put myself in check so I dont have to face it - the check mate.

What's going through your head is a defensive thought, well, I didn't like her anyway. We didn't have anything going on so there's nothing to be worried about.You're a little hurt, but you know had doubts to begin with anyways.

You know maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe I'm not afraid to hurt you, I think I'm afraid to hurt myself. I dont want to lose you, I dont want you to know how horrible I am in actual fact. I'm afraid that you will know the me I try so hard to deny. The me that I've always tried to put behind me, that haunts my every thought at night before I go to sleep.

I'm not the girl you perceive me to be. I'm more, more in a way you'd never begin to imagine, it'll scare you and you will leave me. I'm a brilliant woman, I like for you to think so, thus that is what you think.

A great love of mine once said to me "I don't know you at all, you only ever show your beauty." He told me that I was the most beautiful creature that ever lived, and he left me.

I can never predict the pulses of human behaviour, I may know alot about men, and can sometimes control their thoughts, but sometimes, I'm just dummified at what happens.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

The Way He Is

It interests me, the way people behave, the way people hold themselves. So many people in the world just can't express what they feel, or they depress what they feel. I am contemplating whether this is a good thing.

I know a man who speaks everything he has on his mind, he whines, he complains, he express his joy, and happiness most freely, he's like a boy running through an eternal field, the wind blowing towards him, through his hair, arms spread wide as if flying through the wind alone. He expresses his every emotion, regardless of the consequences.

I know a man who reserves his every thought, he can find no words, no expression to what he feels, though he deeply feels. You can tell that a world of thoughts is speeding through his head, sometimes these thoughts stop and make him feel, whether it be overly joyus, or maniac depression.Only if you look closely, if you feel his breath, his body, look deep into his eyes, listen for that feeling to slip through his unemotional words, only then are you able to receive a jist of what going on inside. A simple "how are you", a sigh if you listen closely, you can hear it. You will know, that there's so much in there that he's effortlessly denying to express.

I know a man who has perfect control of portraying his heart, his emotions, his feelings. Some things best kept to himself, somethings, expired into his surroundings. Saying the perfect sentence to what he feels, never over expressing, never not at all.

I believe that people behave in these different ways because this is the way they have trained themselves for protection. The man who speaks his every thought feels that he needs people to hear what he feels. The man who speaks nothing, knows that whether he says anything or not, he will still feel this way. The man who says the perfect things knows that there are some things that people need to hear and some things that people dont need to hear.

At first galnce, you'd think that anyone would rather choose the man who expresses himself perfectly. I though, am contemplating the latter two. To a certain degree, I fear perfection.

Sometimes I feel that though it's hard to know nothing about a man, it's better that way. Perhaps the feeling of uncertainty sparks my curosity. I want to know more, I want you to tell me everything you feel, but I dont want you to change. Maybe the fact that onlyI have the privilige to know what this man feels attracts me to him, makes me feel that I'm special to him.

Perhaps it's like the light shining through the crack of the doorway in a dark room. You know there's light on the other side, but only through the cracks it shines through to you.You urge impaitently to know more.

Sometimes it's frustrating to not know, it's definitely easier to know the perfect amount. But it stops being interesting. Soon you will know everything, and there will be nothing more.

I fear perfection because once you're perfect, there's nothing better, only worse.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Death Of Fear

Exactly six years ago today, September 9, 1999 was the day I decided to die. Since the tender age of 12, there has always been a torch beneath me, burning away my hopes and dreams. I was twelve when I first felt what it was like to be emotionally in pain. Once you learn what pain is, there's no turning back, it just keeps increasing. Only people get stronger, and develope defence mechanisms to fight it. If you're weak, if you let pain slide through, even just once, you will let yourself die.

I think that wanting to die on 09-09-99, was the best thing that ever happened to me. Many times in my life I stood on the sacred ledge, of the ninth floor, looking down, wanting no more of life. One thing stood in my mind, September 9, 1999. Maybe I was afraid, or maybe I just wanted an excuse not to do it then and there. Whatever it was ,it saved my life more than once.

On the morning of September 9, 1999, I woke up knowing that it was the date I had been waiting for, for a long time. It was a date for me to let go of all the horrible things the world had let me see. I had planned for 9 O'clock on the ninth floor.

I sat there, and I felt nothing. I felt no pain. I felt no hatred, I felt no love, I felt nothing. I tried to think about all the things that I'd always thought of that made this day, "the day".And there was nothing. 9am past. I still had 9pm.
I waited for pain, I waited for depression to come over me, and make me realise that today is the day to leave it all behind - Nothing.

And 9 o'clock came and went. I grew strong that day. I never again resorted to escape through death. I built a strong defence mechanism that day. That if I could convince myself that everything is ok, then everything will always be ok.

My Love

My dear, these past few weeks I realise that I have not paid enough attention to you. I have been too intrigued with the events going on in my own life, that I have neglected the going ons of your life. I would like to express my public apologies for being such a selfish person recently.

I want to make it up to you. I want to spend time with you, and I want to know and feel the ups and downs of your life. We need this so that we can keep our relationship the closest of close. I want you to know that you have become a major part of my life. I need you more than anyone now adn always.

We never had anyone in our lives to be there for us - I want to be there permentaly for you, and I hope that you can let me have that place in your heart, mind and soul. I want remind you that whatever it is that is on your mind, I want to know. I may not be your best friend, I realise that you have your own best friend, but in my life you are my best friend. We didn't grow up together before, but we will grow wise together now.

I understand that these are very emotional words that I am expressing, I just want you to realise that you are already a part of me and you cannot go away, and we cannot let this fade.

I miss you and I love you, with the deepest of what's left of my soiled heart - Zt.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Early Sunday

Sunday, my day out with Zt, it was another hilarious day. Themed a complicated combination of normal everyday words - Early Morning and Lost. The day started early, 6 on the dot, I woke up, it was exhilirating, I woke up!
I picked her up by 7...AM, we immediately began chattering away, it began like it always did when we met. Thing was, it was 7 AM! We didn't know where to go, we didn't know who to meet, and worst of all, we didn't know what to do.

So, after much comtemplation, we did what any regular person would do on a Sunday morning, have breakfast. After almost a 30 minute drive across town, past the zoo, we ate an indian style breakfast we could have eaten on any of the fifty shop corners we past by trying to get there.

Still not having had any great ideas, we drove back towards the direction in which we started off the day with. Crashing the radio and news papers for that piece of news that's lead us to at least some sort of excitement for the day - nothing. we still had nowhere to go and nothing to do.

By this time, we'd driven back to the place we started, and into KL town, just roaming around, like two lost souls in the desert, except that we're not in a desert, and we weren't lost yet.

Once we reached dead middle of town I got an idea, we'd go for a date - no we'd go for a sample of a typical "echez-date", the "KLCC-date", the "I'm going to take this girl to see the view date", the date I'd like to call, boring, stereo-typical, dull, and just down-right stupidest thing to take your date to do date.
What happens first is we arrive at the destination, I explain this to Zt as she helplessly regrets having a cousin like me on a Sunday morning, sorry it's afternoon now.

"Oh! We're here? Wow, I've never been here before/Wow, I've never seen KLCC from this angle before!" (this is my third time)

We stand side-by-side, and look at the lights of the city, it's not romantic, there are 32 other couples about 10 feet away!

"Wow, this is so romantic!" (I'm bored now.)

He steps closer to me, it is sooo not romantic! Akward Silence.

"Soo...what are those little lights...? They're moving!?"

"Oh, those are cars"

"Really! They dont look like cars, they're so little!"

"Yup, they're cars."

Akward Silence. 12 O'Clock! Finally!

KLCC's lights go off. The left one goes off first. A 20 second delay before the right one darkens.

"Oh! They turn off the lights to KLCC? I wonder why?!"
" Hmmmm, I dunno"

Shit boring! I gotta make some conversation! I'm making a joke...

" I wonder why they turn off one at a time?! There's probably a little man that switches off the switches one by one so after he finishes the first building, he quickly runs to the next one to switches of those."

Akward Silence

"Ok! I gotta go to the bathroom"

The end, thank goodness.

Literally I've seen KLCC from every angle!

So...after showing Zt my famous bad-date routine, we are off again, we dont know where we wanna go, driving for another 10 minutes, we decided to go to the mall, one she's never been to. At this time, we are again, reaching the zoo. We turn around, drive right back to the middle of town, twice, get lost, circle the jail, thrice, and finally, we're on the right track. That is...after we get off the wrong exit.

We are finally there, the mall. We shop, we walk around, we never really walked the whole place...why...? take a guess...we got lost! we wandered around the same place a dozen times and still couldn't find a way out. It was like the twilight zone.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

September 3rd, 2005

Saturday, September 3, 2005. I went to a friend's place to hang out. There were twins! I love twins, they are so incredibly adorable. Anyhow, the situation over there was confusing. I didn't know what I wanted, but I did know what I didn't want.

The day went well overall, we talked about alot of things, and sometimes nothing. I guess that's the thing about a good conversation or conversationilist. We could talk about nothing at all and it would be just as interesting as an indepth discussion about war and peace. We talked for 7 hours.

It's been awhile since I've missed my breakfast, lunch and almost dinner. Sometimes I wonder whether my friend really cared that I was starving, dehydrated and cold. I'm sure it was just something overlooked.

It was quite an interesting experience, closets, drivers, mom's and dad's, cousin's, barney, doll's, doll's heads. Honestly, I dont know that I'd wanna do it again had I a chance to relive life.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Simple, Sophisticated and Satisfying

Thursday night is ladies night in a particular club in the middle of town. Some friends of mine and I decided that we'd check out the scene that night. As always, I expected as much, they cancelled on me. Clubbing isn't really my thing, considering that I dont enjoy music, I dont dance, and well...must I explain further? But my love of meeting people, light drinking, intense socialising and astonishment of people who actually can dance, pulled me there that night. It was actually my first at the clubbed once dibbed the hottest spot in town.Sad?....well it's safe to assume so....

Another bunch of friends were going that night. Problem was, they were all guys. A few years ago I'd never second thought going out with whomever, and whatever quantity. Alas, I have grown, two grey hairs I'm semi pround and embarrassed to mention. I shall not pull them out until I've decided whether it's a good thing or a bad, to have sprouted not one but two grey hairs barely having begun official adulthood.

I anticipated a night of being a fly on the wall, checking out the lighting, floor plan, stage areas, DJ areas, security, you know things that usually come natural to technically professioned people that venture out of their natural habitat.
So as the night went on, I squeezed my way through the dancing crowd a few times, it much resembled a marathon, at a pasar malam, with no food. I made a few acquaintences, got along with some, didn't get along with others. A misunderstanding took place that night.

A friend of mine, had a disagreement with a guy he introduced me to that night. This friend, I must explain, told me that he was interested in me being a someone to him. I told him that it would take alot of time and getting to really know each other before finally taking that step into a relationship. So friends we remain.

Apparently this friend of mine had a problem with me meeting other people. So much so that he created a scene. Not only do I not like scenes, I felt akward, in a place unfamiliar to me, a dance club. In a way I understand that if you like someone, you'd really feel bad if they were talking to someone else, but making a scene is utterly uncool, demeaning, and just plain childish. You see it in movies, where the gangsters start losing their tempers, turning tables, and chopping peoples heads off. It's sounds an interesting act, it might impress every other lady, but it does not impress me. It makes you look bad, and me feel worse.

Though I knew that he would feel bad that I was talking to another guy, I didn't think I was in any way, at fault because first of all. I talk to alot of guys. I always have and I always will. This is a part of me that makes me who I am. I dont want to pretend that I dont do this and I'm not going to stop talking to guys and stop having friends just because I'm in a relationship. Now tell me what I'm thinking, we're just friends and he already can't accept the way I am. I cant imagine going any further with someone who's going go through so much trouble to restrict me. It's just not going to work out.

The worst mistake a couple can make is to only have each other, and no one else. People are individuals, they have brains and each a heart. I understand that the guy I like had friends before me, and will have friends after me, I will under no circumstances try to compete with his friends, because they have a different kind of relationship that I could never have with him, and they'd never have the relationship that I have with him.

There are things that I can't do for my man, that I need his friends to do for me - it's sort of like outsourcing. Stuff from football to IT stuff, to F1, but also emotional things that sometimes he can't share with me. People need other people, people need to know that.

I guess I don't need that kind of action, that kind of attention anymore. All I need is someone who's there when he needs to be, someone I can make smile, and at the end of the day feel that he had a great day. Simple, sophisticated, and satisfying.

Friday, September 02, 2005

One Way Or Another

Why do men find it so difficult to"pour their soul" out to a woman? Is it because of men's egos that forces them to refrain from voicing their inner most thought? Or could the reason to this be held by the woman?

Some woman by nature are sensitive to what a man may think or do, or may have done or thought in the past. Perhaps it is the way a woman will act or react to a man's opinion, that created this barrier.

In my personal opinion, I believe that it is how a woman handles or reacts to what a man says that reflects whether they will tell you more, whether the conversation will move to a deeper level.

I believe that woman, or people in that matter, should respect the views of another person, whether they agree to this other's person's opinion or not.

There are two ways that one could react, one could repel or embrace. It takes alot of courage for a man to tell a woman about himself, especially his weaknesses, and his innermost thoughts. He could easily be rejected, made-fun of, and embarassed. This essentially pinches his ego, his stand as a man. He'll carry a higher, thicker wall the next time. Making sure that no one will ever again invade, and hurt his all precious, fragile soul, he hides so well behind that wall.

Recently, I met a man who told me that he "feels free when he's around me, he could just pour his soul out to me." Usually I would let that thought roll off as a soiled pick-up line. But today I took a chance to think.

Perhaps it is by the embracing approach towards people that makes them feel that they could tell a murder and wouldn't judged.The way I see it, one could be disgusted, annoyed, freaked out, angry or just down right stunned. But does that give us the right to insult a person when they've actually worked up all the guts tell you?

I believe that in whatever a person does or has done, there is reason, and this reason in one way or another is related to something good. OR perhaps I suffer from a fatal case of optimism.