Birthday Bash

Tuesday September 27, 2005 is my itty bitty brother's 17th birthday. He's off in a boarding school. Probably having the time of his life. He's been away for a few years now. I think it's good for him. To be alone, to learn to be independent. I smsed him today, told him happy birthday. He told me thank you.

I sorta miss him, he's the kind of kid who's really stubborn, you could catch him red handed doin something really bad, and he could still look into your eyes and tell you that it wasn't him. I haven't seen him for really long time, maybe half a year. Our family doesn't really stress on being together all the time, we'd probably kill each other by the third day, thing is that distance creates closeness, it creates the thought, the wonder, and brings out the fact that you have a brother and you haven't really talked to him. And when these bursts of feelings come by, you'll really love your brother. When you see him, you just wanna be really nice. That's why I never really feel home sick when I live away from my family, because I know that when I do see my family, thought we are not affectionate, we do little things for each other that mean alot, even if it's something little like my little brother offering to wash my dish. It's things that he'd never do for you before, when you guys lived together, that he'd be so willing to do for you now, just coz he's the brother and I'm the sister.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005. Hm's birthday. Tuesday night we were supposed to celebrate. I thought it'd be nice if we could do something simple to celebrate. If I had cash, I would have made it big, invite the whole neighborhood. With thirty bucks, twenty for gas, and ten for toll, I was on the line, having invited a whole group of his friends to join the celebration.

I felt kinda stupid, I didn't know anyone of his friends. Just saw em once before, what would they think of me? Further more, I had but an hour to shit out a cake and get my butt to the hour away destination.

Having already put myself in a situation that could only be reversed had I not been so enthusiastic, optimistic and convincing about the plans. I did something I haven't done for years. I don't like to complain, and i don't like to whine about things already done, not alot of things impact my being who I am, and my strong values.

Not many things embarrass me, but what I did that night did. I contemplated which would be more embarrassing, letting down a bunch of Hm's closest friends, and Hm himself, or to ask for money from my parents?

I have been supporting myself for quite awhile now. Even when I had to do with a 50 buck allowance a month in college, I never said a word. It was a big step for me. I locked myself in my room for an hour thinking of alternatives, thinking, planning every word I was going to say, backing out every five minutes or so.

I kept thinking about, that's all I did. Just kept thinking, waiting for the right opportunity. Can't say it now they're having dinner, can't say it now, he's taking a bite into his chicken, so maybe after he takes his bite. No can't do that he would be chewing his after he takes a bite. Maybe I can tell him when he swallows, ok that's good, when he swallows, chew, chew, ok I think he's going to swallow now, damn, missed, he took another bite. damnit, I'll just tell him after dinner, ok..shit forget it. I'll just not go - no I have to do this comeon.damnit what's wrong with me?

So after an hour of that I finally did it, I asked, I waited for the million and one responses they'd give me. My dad chose response 351, the reprimanding question of why I'm asking for money. I expected as much, this is what I ws always trying to advoid. Other people ask their parents for
money, I don't, I either find it somewhere, or I starve.

Anyways that's that, got a cake, got to the place. Hung out with Hm, accidently made him annoyed with me, almost lost my temper and just left, but I told myself I could be mad later, people really shouldn't be down on their birthday.

It was supposed to be a surprise, I'm a real surprise kind of girl. Imagine, you figured nothing was going to happen on your birthday, your friends probably forgot or were too busy. You arranged to meet up with a girl, and figured, well, it'd be cool if all your friends were there, but hanging with her is cool. You'll settle.

She wants to take you to a romantic place, she asks you to close your eyes, she leads you, you open your eyes, and everyone is there, warmly welcoming you. Today's your day.

It didn't really work out as I thought it would. I didn't get to see the look on his face when he walked in to see his closest friends gathered to wish him happiness on his birthday, i wished I'd been there. My ultimate goal in life is to ensure the happines of the people around me. I hope he was happy.

I hope he wonders how i got the idea in the first place, i hope he knows that I really didn't mean to walk away. Just that I really couldn't face him.

*sigh*