Sweet Nights, Bitter Mornings

There are times in everyone's lives where they are in a rut. For me, the time is now, emotional rut, financial rut, socially on the high. The perfect combination, not?

Being in an emotional rut, more so a financial rut, restricts me from being the me that I should be, I'm more vulnerable, insecure, and just down right not in the shape to leave my normal comfort zone, work and home.
If I can help it I never leave the house with less than enough to bring me somewhere and back - twice.

Last night was a great exception. I can't say whether it turned out good, or bad in the end. What I do know is that people can say anything, can promise anything to get what they want. In the end they just forget what they promised. Again, you are left feeling vulnerable, a little hurt, and embarrassed at yourself for even thinking that he cared, that he gave a damn.

Having two bucks in my pocket and a four buck toll, you can imagine the disaster I walked into when I decided to make that trip.

If I hadn't learned not to trust men that night, there was at least one thing that I did learn. News travels like lightning before a thunder storm, within a few hours of my arrival at my destination, the word was out that I was around. I can't say whether that's a good thing on my part. I don't particularly enjoy being stalked. One day I may encounter a sniper - or he may have an encounter with me.

I had a chance to confirm an already well known fact in the encyclopedia of men chapter one one seven point thirty one, location, echez files of constant changes. It states that under any seductive essence of influence, men have the grave tendency to say anything that magnitizes force towards a particular direction - down.

I also learned that all men, are using all girls. Take an example of a few types of women, one is hot yet dumb. The other brainy, yet not so hot. The next is dumb and ugly, and the final, hot and smart.

The arguement held by a male was that nothing would be acheived with dating a dumb hot gal. The man would learn nothing from her. I said that's the point! Why would you want frustration, and anger and complication when you could f*ck, f*ck, and f*ck some more, with a hot chick!?What more could a man ask for?

Trying to get testimonial evidence, I failed to get the guilty man to admit that actually I was right, but he couldn't possibly say that in front of me, a girl. So moving on to a smart, not so hot lookin gal. I asked, what good reason does a man have to date with a smart girl, who is utterly unattractive? Half expecting either truth or lie, I received a peculiar reply. Being with a smart girl I can learn alot of things. "Huh? What? She gonna correct your grammer or sumthin?"
He said that dumb girls are easy to deal with, the hard thing is to tame a lady who has brains. So his arguement was that he'd go out with smart, not so good looking girls, so that he could learn how to deal with them, because smart girls are the hardest to handle, and if he could handle a smart girl, then he could handle all girls. So going out with a smart girl right now is just a step he's taking to learn how to deal with someone better later.

We didn't get into discussion about the smart, hot girls, as something else was running through my head. " So, which one am I?"...lol...I couldn't believe that actually came out of my mouth. I didn't want to be anyone of those, and worse I was afraid of the answer he was going to utter. I know it's wrong for me to classify people in such catagory, but this classification is made soley to prove a point on the views of men.

Anyways, so which one am I? Which do you think I am? He hesitated as I pin pointed him to his opinion. "You really wanna know?" He asked. "Sure" I replied in non chalence.

Hesitation - that answers all my questions, he could have said nothing and I would have already known. Hesitation shows uncertainty, he was uncertain about calling me hot, attractive, sexy, pretty, beautiful. He had to think about what he had to say, so that he wouldn't hurt my feelings. By saying nothing for that unnoticeable millisecond, I had already known my verdict.
He came up with smart and cute. CUTE! - Ugly but Adorable...UGLY! *shiver* I want to hear no more.

I said "OK". I know it means nothing to me, I know that this was just some stupid words, I know I dont need people to tell me that I'm pretty and sexy and smart. But I wanted to let it sink in this time, I wanted to know how it felt to depend on what people say about you for happiness.

It didn't work, I know I'm pretty, and smart, and different and special. You'll never be able to budge that. Sorry.

Moving on, I felt a little stunned, a little out of place, a little weird. Perhaps he is just trying to learn something from me. Because heaven knows, I know alot.

*sigh*
Everyone's looking for something to take.