Death Of Fear

Exactly six years ago today, September 9, 1999 was the day I decided to die. Since the tender age of 12, there has always been a torch beneath me, burning away my hopes and dreams. I was twelve when I first felt what it was like to be emotionally in pain. Once you learn what pain is, there's no turning back, it just keeps increasing. Only people get stronger, and develope defence mechanisms to fight it. If you're weak, if you let pain slide through, even just once, you will let yourself die.

I think that wanting to die on 09-09-99, was the best thing that ever happened to me. Many times in my life I stood on the sacred ledge, of the ninth floor, looking down, wanting no more of life. One thing stood in my mind, September 9, 1999. Maybe I was afraid, or maybe I just wanted an excuse not to do it then and there. Whatever it was ,it saved my life more than once.

On the morning of September 9, 1999, I woke up knowing that it was the date I had been waiting for, for a long time. It was a date for me to let go of all the horrible things the world had let me see. I had planned for 9 O'clock on the ninth floor.

I sat there, and I felt nothing. I felt no pain. I felt no hatred, I felt no love, I felt nothing. I tried to think about all the things that I'd always thought of that made this day, "the day".And there was nothing. 9am past. I still had 9pm.
I waited for pain, I waited for depression to come over me, and make me realise that today is the day to leave it all behind - Nothing.

And 9 o'clock came and went. I grew strong that day. I never again resorted to escape through death. I built a strong defence mechanism that day. That if I could convince myself that everything is ok, then everything will always be ok.