Nothing

There's this little aching pain that has been there for about a week. I thought if I slept on it, I'd wake up in the morning and it'd be gone, just like all the other days. But I wake up and it's still there, I go through the day and get myself busy to take my mind off it, but it's still there. When I get home, that little annoying ache doesnt seem to want to dissolve away. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel as if any little thing will make me start bursting into tears.

About two days ago, I was driving, and an ambulance passed by and I almost started to break out into a hysterical wail. I'm a nutcase!

I know what it is. It's too much of nothing. Too much of not getting what I want, too much of not knowing where I am, and where I'm going. Too much of negligence from people I really want to care for me.

I'm searching for attention. Let's face it, I'm a people person, and with no people, I'm a nothing. Who am I going to smile with if I'm always alone? How am I going to give away my love? How am I going to express myself?

I am a funny girl, I laugh and make people laugh. Where is my laugh going to go now? I havent laughed for so long, I think it might have shriveled up, and dropped off. And trust me, that's NOT a good thing.

One weird incident awhile ago, my mom stared at me (weird) and she said, you know what, when you dont smile you look so evil, so angry, and deviant. Well, anyone who doesnt smile would look unhappy. There's just no good reason why a person cannot or does not smile.

Unless they are unhappy. Unless they are depressed! :O I think I might be depressed.

But who am I kidding. I know I cannot be with a man that does not make me laugh. I cannot be with a man in which I have not truely smiled for years. I am trying you know. I try so hard. But I get no good response. I mean why am I with someone who can do without me? I need someone to need me, so that I can give him what he needs, so that I can be there for him. That's what I want is for him to need me. But he doesnt need me, he doesnt need anyone. He's self sufficient. In every way, and I mean every.

There is nothing that I can give him that he doesnt already have, or that he cannot provide for himself. If there was anything, I'd so love to know.