Monday, November 28, 2005

Brilliant Minds, Painful Hearts

I once knew this guy and we were cool. We got along and all of that good stuff. We spent massive amounts of time together and it all seemed great, even with it's skepticism and all.

It use to be great, we hung out alot, had dinner we were just together and it was like time had stopped, well great in the world of romance and all of that good stuff.

So suddenly he becomes really busy, and really set on doing his work. That's great in a way that he's so disciplined and committed to his work.

It's understandable, people get busy. And then he says to me, you know I'm enjoying being so busy. I'm like well that's good.

So I, being my skeptical self, asked him, you enjoy not seeing me? And guess what he says, he says "yes!" YES as in HE ENJOYS NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE ME!

That sounds horrible doesn't it?

When I feel like being optimistic, I'll think that he meant that he enjoys the current situation with respect to his work, business, and not having time to go out and relax is okay with him, in fact instead of dreading, complaining, and being repelled by work, he embraces it and enjoys it.

But of course when I'm feeling lonely and down, I'll think of it like it sounds - horribly.

He enjoys not being with me. Meaning he is glad that he cannot be with me, why would you be glad about something not happening unless you weren't glad when it was happening. In other words, he does NOT enjoy being with me thus enjoys not being with me.


He also said, "You know what, I'm gonna be busy whether you accept it or not. I have to concentrate on my work, and I'm not going to have time for you. I can't see you and I can't spend time with you. Money, Power and Fame are number one priority to me. Only that will truly make me happy. You cannot make me happy unless I have that."

"you cannot make me happy". I cannot make him happy.

Should I just leave you alone now?... your money and power?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Kiss D Girl

I had a kamakazi, no, I had 4 kamakazis. I also had a beer, okay so I had like 8 beers.

I was floatin. I kissed a girl. OMG, I kissed a friggin girl!

We were dancin dirty together, all the guys were lookin, dancin. We were both pretty out of it. I've never met this girl before, and I dont intend on meeting her again, sober.

She was hot though, she looked indian, tall, pretty. She had the tongue thing and the eyebrow thing, she was cool. I never thought that it would go that far.

I dont think it was intentional. I dont think I wanted it to happen. But then again, I was seein things in threes, I didn't really know what I wanted.

We were at a bar that a friend of mine owns, and it was sort of like a private party. The place is pretty nice, there weren't lots of people, I had a great time. Great time.

So this hot guy sees us dancin, and he takes the gal's arm and leads her towards towards a quieter area of the club, and miss gal, drags me along.

We're out of sight of the other friends and acquaintences. We all chat a little and danced together, the three of us.

Apparently, she knows the guy, so after bit, they start kissing, she teases him and we dance together some more, it was some awesome dancing, I'd dance with the guy, and she'd dance with the guy, and then she'd dance with me. Mostly me and her danced. It probably made the guy crazy.

So then she starts kissing him, and I was just dancing a little to the side, and she pushes him away from her, takes a step my way, and well she kissed me. It was very very french! very very.

I can't say whether it was nice or not nice, or disgusting or anything at all. It wasn't a very long kiss, but there was definitely tongue.

But when I look back and think back about it. I dont feel the sense of disgust that I thought I would. I dont shudder at the thought of having kissed a girl.

I can vividly recall having a strong repelling attitude against having contact with girls. I mean even the touchy, huggy thing, has never been me. But as I write this having experienced what I experienced last night, or early this morning, I dont feel that anymore.

I dont think it's a wonderful thing for a girl to kiss a girl. But I think it's alright.

I know for sure though, that I'm not cut out to be a lesbian, a threesome would be interesting, which was also something that made me shudder before.

I think I might like to try it someday.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Enough is enough!

I've stayed home ENOUGH! I've stayed home since...forever. I can't even remember when. I mean I didn't like not go to work, or not drive anywhere, but I mean I haven't had any contact with the outside world for more than or equal to a single hour.

I think I am gonna go crazy! Let's see, since the party on Saturday, all I've been doing is lazing at home. Sunday, I stayed at home, and yesterday, Monday, after work, I stayed at home! Today, I'm going out!

You know if my work required me to be in contact with people other than the few I see EVERY DAY, or perhaps allowed me to go out and see the sun once and awhile, I wouldn't feel so dementedly restless!

It's great that I got to get some sleep, and catch up with some of my reading, but OMG, I really gotta get out! I mean I really need to talk to someone, I mean face-to-face interaction. I have been talking to people over the phone, and online, and stuff, but gosh, a "lol" just doesn't cut it.

I need to exercise my lungs, I need to friggin laugh, and I need to see and hear someone laugh with me. This is not going to work out, especially if I'm gonna trap myself in a silent world.

At work, we're all talked out. We dont really have anything to say to each other, it's not like we're anti-social, but the first few chats, we kinda said everything. No one really talks, they're too...hard-working. Everyone works at work! =O I mean smile a little you guys!!!

I work a NINE hour day. (what a coincidence, 9, heh) And for 9 hours, no one says anything to anyone except, "A, line one!", "who is it", "i dunno", "oh".

And the 5 minutes before lunch where everyone starts saying..."FOOoooD"...Okay so I'm the only one that says "FOOoooD". But for 5 Minutes, we're actually interacting! We're deciding where to eat lunch. It's not that great a conversation though, becuase with 5 dull, indecisive people, the answer is always "I dunno, where do you wanna go?". I hate that, because in the end I'll end up just blurting out the first palce that comes into my mind.

Perhaps we're all just trying to be polite. Or perhaps there just isn't any good food around, so we're always picking the best crappy food.

Anyways tonight, I'm going to have a heck of a good time, I'm going to make sure of that. There's nothing I want to think about, there's no one I want to miss. Tonight, and from now on, I'm just gonna live my life, to the friggin fullest.

"Love, heh, is STILL an Illusion" I might be letting myself walk into one, and when the bubble finally pops, I'm gonna be hurt like hell, but hey! Who cares.

Monday, November 21, 2005

boyz and girlz

The first friend I ever recall having was in Papua New Guinea. And I wasn't the one who discovered him either. He was my brother's friend.

A little black boy, named Ky. We use to climb mango trees, get bitten by those huge red ants that infest every mango tree.

When we'd successfully picked a ripe fruit, we found that we were stuck. We weren't allowed to tell our parents that we picked mangoes, and we couldn't get anyone to cut them for us. I must have been 3 years old. They 6.

The sun scorched the stuffy humid jungle air, while we teethed our prized fruit.

We'd scrawl on dirt grounds with our marbles in hand, even then, the elders pointed to a little window urging me to go back inside and play with dolls and their little houses and Ky's little sister, who was so "uncool", she was a "baby", a little younger than myself Ky's sis was 2.5 to my 3, never-the-less, so uncool.

I like to think that those first few adventures in the jungles of PNG, are the ones that imprinted unto me, courage, and comfort of hanging with boys.

Proceding, my involvement in the sport, gambling, and illegal business at a young age might have added to that prospective.

Practically since the age of 3, I've had relationships of all kinds with boys of all kinds. It's no wonder I get along so well.

Watchin rugby with the boys, havin beers with the boys, laughin and jokin with the boys.

One things different though, I aint a boy. And this is where the difference begins. I'm a girl. A pretty girl, a smart girl, a guys girl.

I like to think that I got the best of both worlds. I can be pretty, and I can scrawl and play marbles.

In the light of it all, I can no longer stay a girl, I am a lady now. I must stand and sit like a lady, eat like a lady.

But never will you be able to change my thoughts, and my experiences. I'm proud of them, because I know, there's a boyish side of me, along with a girly side too.

Not all my encounters with boys are sexual, no, not at all, though I find that when boys finally turn into men.

Friendship no longer exists. It's business or sex. Sex and love, affairs and partners, for fun adn for real. Everything now, has an objective.

Let's move back into the jungle where there's friendship and trust.


Sunday, November 20, 2005

MC's B-Day Bash

One candle on his cake, I have no idea how old he is. I have no idea what his real name is even. These personalities, they're so mysterious, they want to change their name, grow their hair long, look cool, act cool. But Mc's cool, he's nice, he's happening, he's popular, he's all that!

In a hip bar in the middle of town, MC's celebrates his day of birth. Drinks and people, more guys than girls, I was surprised, but definitely not disappointed. As men feast their eyes on hot chicks, lil girls like me, innocently check out the guys.

For a single gal, in the peak age of her life, where parties and partying should be the life. I somehow feel out of place. Tell me, what were you doing when you were 21?

After almost 8 months of grueling work, the only difference is that I'm 8 months older. There's gotta be more to it than that, I mean - come on! What's life if it's gonna go round and round, and come back to start, time elapsed.

Okay enough about life, too much of the mush recently. So I played a game of pool, met a coupla stock brokers, consultants, software developers. Just another night out. I think the world is made up of alot of ordinary people who look good on paper, and sound good when spoken. They're really just your ordinary tom.(dick and harry sound vulgar)

So back to the party, there was talking, there was drinking and there were chunky cigars, and there were men, and there were boys, alota boys.

Cousez: No, I didn't kiss anyone, I dont think I even danced. I drank a little, I think the whole point was just to show up. Perhaps I didn't see anyone worth kissing, perhaps I =O, was thinking of someone else.

I think in the end, the party sort of depressed me, I have no idea why, probably fifty guys that came alone or with other guys. At least thirty were single and available, and I felt like leaving! I know! What's wrong with me?!

I left, I felt like shit, then again I've been feeling like shit for the past week. Don't ask me why, coz I'm not really sure. Maybe its shit season, maybe I've me the man of my dreams.

So I left the party, I drove around town. I stopped and I just sat there. You know how sometimes in life, you just phase out, like your head just floats away, thinking of something but you dont know what. It's like a numb feeling of the highest state of nothingness. Come to think of it, it's pretty scarey. Perhaps it was just the alcohol, heh.

Secretely I longed for his arms to wrap around me. For him to just shut-da-f*ck up for once and just hold me. You could tell me a million words, but that's not what I need. Don't you get it! I want you to hold me! Just shut up and hold me!....

When a girl is down, she doesn't want to hear anything. She just wants you to hold her, so that she know's that you're there. So that she feels you. So that your warmth can tell her that it's going to be okay. Whatever it is.

What psycological message do you send when you abruptly let go and leave. Insecurity, disinterest, disappointment, and perhaps utter disgust, so much so that you run to get away, and all she needed was a hug.

There are times when I just want someone to be there. Sometimes when I call someone, I say nothing. They're probably wonderin WTF she callin fo if she jus gonna keep quiet. But maybe I just wanted to know that you're there, and you'd be there if there was somehing, if I did need something. I mean if someone can be there for you when you think there's something but there isn't really anything. Then you KNOW that when there is something they'll definitely be there.

Maybe that's what I need...Maybe you cant give that to me. Maybe you just can't shut up.

The night went horribly, it was horrific. I was terrified, I had an accident, it was bad. I dont want to talk about it, never, never.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Reflection In The Rain

There are days when I stay at home and just reflect. Reflect on things that have happened in my life, and things that are or are not happening in my life. I think I think too much, but it's just once and awhile. It depresses me though, I wonder sometimes whether knowledge is worth the struggle.
I mean, the more you know about the world, the more you see that it's a shithole. The shitty surpasses the complete wonderful. Do we want to know more?
When you dont know, rainbows are fascinating, they are a miracle, something so beautiful, amazing, they make you believe in something more, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Then you grow up, and you gain knowledge, and a rainbow is just white light, and it's not even complete white light, it is white light being blocked. Why would we want to know this? Why do we want to ruine the existance of wonder, imagination and the joy it brings to just not know.
Knowledge is power, but what are you going to do with power? Rule over people who aren't as knowledgeable? Why would you want to do that? There are so many risks involved, everyone will know who you are, half of the people are going to love you, and the other half, being naturally pessimistic will wanna bomb your house and the nine kids you have, playing with their toys.
Okay so I am being pessimistic myself, but why would you want to put yourself and your family at risk? Perhaps you want to live this alone, a dream that you have made without consideration of other people. Or perhaps I just dont have the urge nor security to be brilliant in that way.
Sitting in my little office, I've probably not seen the world, cooped up and thinking that everyone on the side of the road is in possession of a bomb. I know it doesn't make sense, nothing like that ever really happens, people dont just get bombed. I mean look at some of the presidents around, they've killed probably a million people, and they're still sittin there, happily, in their white little houses, and their kids, still chewin on their toys.
So what's up wit me, you ask. Nothin really. Just felt like arguing. Laterz.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

What Do I Want To Do Next

I'm always asking myself what I want to do next. Probably because I set goals which are too far ahead of me, or perhaps I haven't really set any goals. Heh.

Well today is the day.

I talked to my ex-boyfriend today. It was good. We talked like good friends. No akward silences, no fights, no nothing, then again we never really did fight. It came back to me that he is such a nice guy, and I tried to figure out why we aren't together still.

I tried to feel something, perhaps regret for letting go, perhaps the feeling of missing someone, perhaps sadness, or eagerness or SOMETHING! Alas, I felt nothing, nothing out of the ordinary, just the normal feeling of hearing from someone you haven't heard of for awhile.

We talked like we use to, caught up with what's going on in our lives, I told him some of the things I'm experiencing at work, he suggested that I shouldn't work here if I feel so stressed out. He talked about his work, and how great it was, and I envied him silently.

He told me that I should try to apply for a job where he's working. He's right, I hate my job, and what he's doing is exactly what suites me. You see, we're so much alike, it's no wonder we were so perfect. He knows me like the back of his hand. He knew that I would seriously consider leaving my job for a job like the one he has. Not because of him, but because that's the thing that I like to do.

You know, it is ironic sometimes how perfect people will never be together.

Anyways what's next.

Right now, I'm paving the path, towards something huge next year. Of course the main concern is money, and the fact that I should be using it for something constructive rather than having fun with it all. So I've planned to do some reading. When I get back from home, I'm going to read something, anything.

I'm going to try to read some of my brother's books as well, perhaps know a little about what he's majoring in. That'll be a good start. I guess when I know a little more, I'll start taking various tests, and just certifying my knowledge. Right now, it's unofficial knowledge seeking.

How bout that for a start? Muacks, and wish me luck.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Rich and Powerful Vs. Love and Contentment.

If you were in a situation where you had to choose between being rich and powerful and a life of love and contentment, which would you choose?
The conditions being that if you were rich and powerful you would never be able to find your true love, you'd marry a person that you figured you were compatible with rather than loved.
Is money and power ultimately what everyone is looking for? Would people actually give up love for money and power?
Do fairy tales about love really happen? Would people throw away fame and fortune
I would.
I would give up just about everything for love, if love be not an illusion.
If one day I wake up in the morning and find that there is such thing as love, and it's real, and I have reason to believe that I "LOVE" someone, I'd never ever let that go. I'd trade everything I have for it.
Everything, of course other than God, family and life.
I think it's reasonable, I mean finding something that you have lost all you trust and belief in, who wouldn't give up anything to keep it?
I guess you can see that love means alot to me, and at this point in life, I am discouraged about love almost to the point of no return.
I believe in compatibility, I believe in people who stay with other people just because they sort of get along. I believe that many relationships are in actual fact companionships. I dont believe that it is love, because when people who are in companionship relationships, break it off, they move on.
They're sad and they cry because they were use to having someone there, and are sad because they are not there anymore.
I dont think that this can be construed as love. Just because we feel bad that we have ended a relationship that we thought comprised of love, doesn't mean that we are really in love.
Shakespear did say, that "love is not love which alters when it alteration finds". If love relationships end or change, was it actually love?
You can never say that you loveD someone, because "love is an everlasting mark." right? You can always only love someone, and never loved.
So let's see, if you thought you loved someone in the past, but you dont love them anymore, then was it love in the first place?
And if you loved someone when you were with them, but now you are no longer with them, but you still think you love them, and you think that you will love them forever, maybe you're just miss their presence, and the good times you had together.
The worst sub-topic of this sub-topic of love, is does he love you?
There's no point asking the question did he love you, because obviously if he doesn't love you now then it wasn't love to begin with.
So I come to the conclusion, for about the billionth time in my life, beginning with hope, ending with same old same old...
"Love is an Illusion"
Wait, but that's not what the discussion was about to begin with! Heh, so getting back to the topic, if one day I really do find that I "LOVE" someone. I would never give it up for anything, EVER, I would never give him up. Not for all the money or power in the world.
Power and Money can be lost and gained. Love, when it is found, is everlasting.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Am I A FOOL To Let Go?

How often does something perfect come along? How many times in life do you meet the man of your dreams?

How often do you screw it up?

I have reason to believe that I have met a truely wonderful man. I also have reason to believe that I have f*cked it up. Why?

There's no good reason, there's no justification for the reason I let go.

Perhaps it's the fact that I'm completely crazy about him. Perhaps it's the fact that I could spend all day, and everyday with him, that when I'm with him everything phases out. Oh God, am

I want him all to myself, I want him for me and only me, I want him always with me and no where else. I want to be able to do everything with him and for him, be there with him whatever he's doing, whenever he's doing it.

I want to be selfish, and greedy for him. This feeling is overwhelming. I cannot stand to be without. I'm afraid that I need him.

Gosh, I am so scared.

I know that I can't have him, I know that he'll never be mine completely. I know that I can never be his everything. He has his thang, he has his life, he has his goals, and I am being so unreasonable.

I am being irrational, I am being selfish and greedy, and impatient. I dont want you to see how vulnerable you are making me.

I dont want you to know that I need you, more than you could ever imagine. I dont want to be so weak.

And so I have to let it go. And so I have to give away my perfect man to the world. The world of business and money, and power. And so I have to let it go.

I can't be generous anymore, I can't share you with the world for I am greedy, and selfish, and ashamed to admit.

Worst of all, you know that a girl like me can never be your woman. And that is why you have nothing more to say.

And that is why, you too are letting go.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Apology NOT Accepted

I do NOT accept apologies. I never accept apologies.I do not forgive, I do not forget.

It is my weakness, it is my strength.

Every mistake that people make against me hurts. It will always hurt me, it will always be there, I will always remember.I will live with it for the rest of my life.

I do not believe in apologies. I have made many mistakes against people in my own life, and I know that that person has been hurt, and though sorry's were said, they will never forget what I have done, they will always remember what I have done to them. They will always remember what they allowed me to do to them. Pain will always be there to haunt them when they're not looking.

I do not apologise, and I do not accept apologies.What's done is done, it can never be undone. Sorry is never going to change how you are affected.

What we do in life, we do for a reason, there is never an excuse for doing what we chose to do. Anger, clumsiness, instantaneous reactions are never acceptable reasons for doing something. People have to learn that.

I never forget a painful experience, I learn from everything that hurts me, and pain makes me as strong as hell.

If I forget about pain, if I forget about life changing events just because they hurt, then I will never learn, and I will never be strong.

Everything that happens to us in life is a lesson induced. Everything wrong now means something right in the future, because we will no longer be susceptable.

What I can do: -

1. I can pretend to forget.
2. I can pretend that it never happened.
3. I can pretend that it no longer matters to me.
4. I can tell myself over and over again that you didn't mean it.
5. I can never mention it again.

but one thing I cannot do is to forgive you.

I dont expect anyone to forgive me, I dont expect anyone in the world to "forgive and forget". I might expect them to never mention it again, I could, possibly expect people to pretend that they were not affected by it in any way. But I will always know that deep within, burried somewhere in there, they know what I did, they know I messed up, and they can feel the pain.

Other people may feel differently about this topic, all they need is the word, "sorry". I hate to say but "sorry" means NOTHING to me.

I will feel sorry, and I will feel like I want to apologise for what I do sometimes. I might even go and say it, "I'm sorry". But let me ask you this, does it really matter anymore? Will sorry, reverse the hurt you felt? It might stop further the pain, but it will never reverse pain, it will never be able to erase the mistake.

"I'm sorry, I will never do it again". If you are sorry, you will never do it again, to anyone, anywhere, and that is apology enough.

Never apologise to me, it means nothing. Never let it happen again, and you will never be in a situation to not have to apologise.

For now and forever, you have affected me, and I know for now and forever, I have hurt many people for therest of their lives. I do not apologise, but you will never see me do it again. Ez.

Friday, November 04, 2005


. I am scared, so scared that you could never imagine. Every night I cuddle up in my bed at home and I cry. I dont cry because of the horrible men that I encounter much too often. Not because of the things that I go thru and the things that I have gone thru with regard guys and relationships in life. The emotional pain instilled by men are bland to me. There's not much that I haven't seen, there's not much you can do to surprise me, to horrify me.

I cry at night because I am discouraged, because I am no longer susceptable to the joys and pain of the simple and honest word called LOVE. I am discouraged by the fact that a mere two factors are able corrupted the whole concept of the word. - Money and Sex -

I could endlessly repeat to you my encounters, but it's useless. What I want in life is simple, I want to find a person that fascinates me. That doesn't give in to the corruption of the society. I want to live in a world of LOVE.

I love LOVE, but I fear that I no longer have the ability to LOVE.
"LOVE will forever be just an illusion."

Good Night


Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Friggin BrokeN Mad!

I feel messed up.I feel angry, stupid, and disappointed because of how I was treated by Hm.

It's a small matter, something that I shouldn't even be considering, but this small matter links to other larger matters, that I cannot accept!

I would like to state a commonly known fact at this point in time. "I am echez, and I and friggin BROKE and MAD!"

Frug! I am fed up, pissed off and every other word you can think of that expresses anger! Is it MY fault? Am I being irrational? Was it my fault to give in to my own belief?

You may think that I am over reacting to the situation, you might think that I'm being unreasonable, or whatever bad, but I DONT CARE ANYMORE!!!! I am MAD!

Hm knows that I'm flat broke. I told him that I am broke! I told him that though I didn't mind seeing him, I really couldn't, and that's a FACT, why, because I AM BROKE!

He says "Don't worry about that matter, I've got it covered. You dont have to worry about that, I just want to see you"

"No, I can't, really. Can't you understand the situation that I'm in? I dont have money, I can't put gas into my car, I can't pay for anything, I feel vulnerable, I might even get stuck somewhere either on the way there or back, if I get lost and there's a toll to pay I CANT! Not that I dont want to but I CANT!"

So he knows what kind of situation I am in, but he says, "look I haven't seen you for such a long time, I just want to see you, I dont want you to worry about all those things, I just want to see you."

After about two weeks of arguing with him that fact that I AM BROKE, I give in - It's stupid, I know.

He said that I wouldn't have to be afraid that my car would have no gas, I wouldn't have to be afraid that the dinner couldn't be paid for, I didn't have to be afraid that I didn't have any anything. I was very very sceptical, very very. But hey, the guy has been bugging me about this for two weeks, dinner wouldn't be so bad right?

I tried to justify my actions by repeating to myself that, hey, girls do this all the time. They force guys to pay all the time, and they feel alright about it, in fact some feel great. Why in the world do I, of all girls have to have a frigin conscions?Afterall, I'm not doing it on purpose, I'm really, actually in a situation!

I hate the thought that I would have to watch him slooowly, reluctantly pull out a note, as if it was his life savings and pay for everything. Again I said to myself, hey, chill it's just dinner. *breath, it's okay!*

Alright, I'm cool. I can handle this, he's just paying for dinner, it's cool, dont feel embarrassed, dont feel weird, just chill, you're a pretty, classy girl, you deserve, it's not working, still feel really akward, bad, and dumb.

*breath, it's alright, gawd damn, what's wrong wit me, he asked me to go out-and I didn't really want to, he should be the one paying.*

*Frug! What wrong wit you Ez? Dat's not the way to think!What kind of evil monster are you, expecin someone to pay for you...? Remember the morals you set for yourself!*

In the end he paid. i felt good, and bad, and weird, and akward.

Evening goes on. "Fuel Warning" falshing in bright orange above E and F. Shit...why now, shit. How am I supposed to let him know that we needed gas, and I AM BROKE?! You see, this is the exact situation I hate being in.

Some other random facts, I picked him up from his HOUSE! I drove him everywhere, I drove him BACK HOME~!! We kept going, the "Feul Warning" light getting brighter and brighter, my body felt more and pale as I didn't know what to do.

And finally, I worked up enough guts to ask him, " you think we should get some gas? I think the car is going to stop soon..heh..urm..he..he..."

"You should know, it's your car, and you're driving it, how should I know?"...BASTARD!

Never-the-less, I drove to the gas station, it was bad of me to think that he would get the hint and at least offer to pay for the gas.

On normal occasion I would never expect him to but in this situation, he promised me that he would take care of everything and that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable because of the factors that I mentioned to him, and he was very well aware that I was BROKE!

So we stop at the gas station, and he dares to say "So, heh, are you gonna get the gas?" In an almost sarcastic manner!

WTF!? You F*cker! I'm Friggin BROKE! You asked me to go out with you, you said I wouldn't feel weird that I didnt have enough for gas, or anything during the night, and now! You're ASKIN ME why I'm not gettin the gas?!

WTF!?!?! Are you stupid?! Or are you naturally an ARSEHOLE!!!

Obviously I dont have any cash, obviously I wouldn't want you to pay for anything had I the cash myself, obviously if the car doesn't have gas I can't drive you to and from your house during a date that YOU are supposed to be taking ME on!

What were you thinking? I know what you were thinking, you were thinking of kissing and f*cking. What a surprise! You were thinking of how dificult I was being.

The worst of all was that all of the things you said to me for two weeks about going out with me, and respecting my fears, and the way I am, and taking care of things when we are out, when I am vulnerable, all the things that you said to me was BULLCRAP! And that is the worst part of all.

That you would say anything, promise everything, just to get what you want, and when you think you've got it, everything that you said you were concerned about, you actually aren't!

I know you're a politician's son, doesn't mean you have the right to make empty promises to me! I take it as a personal insult what happened .

Of all the bad choices I make in my life, trusting a MAN is the worst thing I have ever let myself do.

Thank you for the lesson you have taught me, and I believe this is the end of our acquaintence. Until next time Hm.