Tuesday, August 30, 2005

JJ Lin, Just Another Guy

Sunday, August 28th 2005, I went to the airport to pick up my couz, ZT. Her flight from Sabah lands at 12:25pm. I reach at 1:00pm. Late..so much for meeting her at the gates.

We drop her things off in her college dorm room, and she unpacks a little while I, visit a friend of mine. Age.

Age is a friend that I met a few weeks ago at the college. He's got a girlfriend, they got together a few weeks before I met him. He says that things between them is complicated, and that he sorta likes me.

Me...I think that he's just trying to go for the gold. Besides he's got nothing to lose. If I like him then that's terrific for him, and if I don't, he falls back on his gf. That's what I hate about this kind of situation, either way, h wins.

I think he's a nice guy, but I don't think that he's the guy for me. It's interesting being around him, he makes you feel "different & special". We dont really talk about anything, and when I say talk, I mean share. Our conversations touch no further than the surface.

Maybe that's the most interesting part, mystery, suspense...the unknown.

Anyways we chatted for awhile, about the weather, and things not really worth remmebering, thus I forgot.

So, the day continues. ZT and I pick up CE, a collegue who is visiting from our Singapore branch, and off to Sungai Wang for a day of shopping.( I hate shopping!)

We eat McD's, I was really hungry. My hamburger was still red. There could have been mad cow disease or something! It's a hamburger...from Mc Donalds, not a steak. Usually I'd like my beef medium rare, but I just couldn't, it's a Mc Donalds for people's sake.

So after having taken two bites of the burger i.e. half of it, I exchanged it and they replaced another one for me, so I had one and a half burgers, large fries and thanks to free refills, 2 large cups of coke. Now you know why I'm fat=P

After food, we walked around, bought some stuff, and my dear cousin decides that she wants to be a crazy Lin Jun Jie (JJ Lin) fan, and get his autograph, as he was doing publicity for the 5th Something Music Awards in Malaysia on Sept 3rd.

So 6pm, we hogged the best spot on the floor. Front and Center. Everyone there thought that spot would be cleared off because the stairs to the stage were there. And I, miss-I-seen-so-many-of-these-stages, decides that's bull dung. It's the perfect spot.

So we waited till 730pm. I hate waiting, I hate standing, I hate music, I dont listen to chinese music, and worst of all, I dont know the friggin guy! But being the loving, supporting cousin that I am, I figured I should make the best of the situation and try to have fun.

We bought a souvineer for 5 bucks, a marker, and continued waiting for this guy to come and everyone to start screaming.

Finally, as promised, JJ Lin comes on stage. We were standing dead center and right up front, and we didn't bring a camera. The people behind us were probably cursing us. Damnit! Let the short people stand in front!

Cameras were going off all around behind us. Then they had a question session in which they gave away souvineers to people who answered the questions. Of course I raised my hand, though almost the whole time I had no idea what the MC was talking about. It was in chinese. Well whaddaya know, I won a prize!

So finally it was time to get our souvineers signed. I was first in line...and there was a girl next to me who had a shirt on that said "JJ Lin Fan Club". =O there's a fan club! These poor girls with no direction, I thought...I figured it would mean more to her if she was first in line, first to get an autograph, coz for me, it was dull.

No offence, but he's just another guy, and it doesn't really matter whether you ever get to meet him or not, because it's not going to make a difference. He will never see you, he will never notice you, he will never sing just for you. He's just another guy that looks good on paper, and sounds good on the radio. He's not someone that you should think about, so dont waste time being in a fan club.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Another Day in Paradise

It's 9:47am and I haven't slept. After work yesterday I went for a pyrotechnics show setup in Times Square. The setup for the next show starts in conjunction with the clean-up after the show for that night has ended. The stage truss are taken down, the backdrop and stage dismantled. Worst thing is that, after all that dismantling, another company comes to the same place, brings the same stuff and starts building and setting up again. This process takes forever. We can't get the pyro set-up until the truss is setup, but not heightened into it's place near the ceiling.

Last night's show was Miss Chinese World 2005. Partly sponsored by SITO, the company that occupies the lower floor of our building. I saw the posters a few days ago, I didn't think much of it because it was at Times Square, and I never go there.

Anyways I went for something similar last year, Miss Chinese Oriental, Last year I was more lucky, I got to see
Eric Tsang and the pretty NTV7 news reporter. Juin Kee or Kee Juin or something, I can't remember her name.

The girls were tall, and skinny....it horrified me, they looked like they haven't eaten for a year! I also saw Gary something from the Malaysian TV show Lingo.

Everything went okay sort of. The first cue was messed up because not everything went off. The rest of the cues were perfect. I was glad when it was over. I could finally sleep.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Thoughts For The Day - August 18th 2005

Some people never have the time. They never appreciate what people go through, to contact them, to hear their voice, to see them.They've always got their own things to do. Even face to face, they dig for an excuse to get away.

I guess the thing about life is that people only have time for what they are interested in. No matter what people say, they always go with the most important matter on their mind. This is human nature. So when I say that people dont have the time for other people, I'm wrong.

People have all the time in the world. It's just that to some people, other people, just aren't special enough, or as important than what they are doing then. Being busy is just another excuse, it's code for "Damnit! Quit callin me! When noone else wants to go out with me, I'll call you!" OR " Dont you get it? I dont want to talk to you and see you all the time!"

I guess sometimes I get tired of the same old excuses, "I'm busy today, and tomorrow, and the next day too, I'll call you." I know I'm hypocritical, I know I probably do that too, and my message to the people is "I have no time to entertain your silly feelings for me! I'm not interested!"...But when reciprocated with this message it's tough for me to accept the fact that the message other people are giving me is much similar, if not exact to my message to others.

We all fear rejection, and perhaps we fear to accept this warning. A warning that tells us very clearly that the person is not interested in us, yet if you still persue, they will have to entertain you, because they dont want to be mean...immediately. Since they have made the statement that they are not interested, it is you that is taking the head-on, they're just in for the free ride. That means that the person could more than always fall back on the fact that they told you that they weren't interested, So causing you to, in the future, feel cheated, tricked, and used, without them being in direct fault.

This is one of many analytical, emotional, and social manipulations that people engage in most naturally, rationalising not only the pain that they cause others, but also their non-commitment.

* The comments above are soley the opinion of the author, and are not backed up by any physical evidence.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

August 16th 2005

It's a mixed mass of dark swirl going through me time and again. Just in the middle of anything I may be doing. I think this is what I have been looking for, a desiring urge, to work for something, to feel something out of the ordinary.

Perhaps it the desire to know somebody deeper than the scratch on the surface. Perhaps a part of my heart has burrowed an opening, now, I am able to feel with my heart, though that feeling is pain. With pain exceptionally comes happiness, or perhaps it's the sharp stab in my stomach that I search for, the knife that cuts me deepest, I remember longer. And as a broken record I repeat, it's the memories that hold on forever.

Attraction to man is a peculiar concept, we want things we dont have, and we always want more. The period of mysterious twirls within the body arrives and departs as the drop and rise of the plane, it lasts but for a minute. A man who deeply feels yet lightly expresses, a man who speaks his dream, yet unsure of his destiny. Both, taking life as it comes, more so as it passes in front of their eyes. Being obstructed by a piece of glass, clear, yet far. They see, they feel but they cannot come close, they cannot break the glass, and admit to themselves of what they really want, and what they could have if they just took a step.

Men are bold, men are egoistic, men are unnecessarily secretive, and assumptious, they are strong and insensitive. But if you look into their eyes, if you feel their sigh, they're laughter, their touch, you will know, that deep inside, there's more. It's decieving, it's frustrating, confusing and hurting that I dont know. That I can only assume, that I can only pretend, that I can only hope, and allow that hope to crumble every time I dont know, and every time I am unsure.


ZT has always been a follower, although she has her own individuality, she tends to absorb much of the setting she has been placed in. A quiet character, elegant in stature, polite, patient, outgoing, sporty, brainy, hard,working....she might seem like the average college girl, but that is just a cover, the excitement she brings to a conversation, and a night out is much entertaining. Quick to understand and reciprocate quick wit.

It's always a comfort being with her. You can take care of her, give her a jist of the excitement of careful danger, pains, horrors and bliss of men, and how one can indulge in planned wrecklessness.

She'd take care of you, teaches me how to be and act girly, elegant, respectable, giving a college girls perspective on the things that I do. I can finally be completely comfortable being myself because I know what girls out there are thinking. It's harmless. Laughing is definite, I can honestly say, I think she's a perfect laugher. She has the perfect timing, the perfect comebacks, and we'd just argue through wit all day long.

I respect ZT alot, though she is younger, and is more naive, though I may know alot of things, she holds many attributes in her life that I greatly respect and admire.

HL is my other amazingly beautiful cousin. Much unlike ZT, HL is tinted with strength. She believes in what she does, has a strong hold of her life. Through anger, sadness, and horror, she holds strong and leads you to believe she's fine. In fact both my cousins have been blessed with this unhealthy trait.

She is confident, stylish, classy, distinguished, decisive, she has a she-knows-what-she-wants-and-she-knows-how-to-get-it attitude that I admire about her. She knows her stuff, fashion, people, places, you can always refer to her. She also has this arrogance about her like she couldn't give it another moments thought. I wonder how she pulls it off because if you meet her, she'd daze you because she's amazing.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Checking Out The Beaches

It all began after work on Friday. As usual, I went to visit my cousin at her college somewhere on the outskirts of the city. The difference between this weekend, and all the rest is that she's going away for two weeks.

As I was driving the hour long road in twenty minutes, I got a call, she said "Today is mine right? So we're going to have dinner with the guy I like." Being the wonderful cousin that I am, I said okay. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I decide to plan a romantic evening for the two of them...of course I had to blend it into the evening.

There were a total of three amazingly beautiful girls, each"Different & Special" in their own distinctive ways. ZT & HL, and of course ME.

And One Guy.

This was not a very interesting arrangement. Imagine, one guy and one girl, talking, conversing, having their moments. The two left over girls talk. Keeping the wide, watchful eyes on the ongoings through the corner of our eyes. How romantic.

I decided to take this opportunity for granted, I invited a friend to come along. I also invited a friend's friend to come along. That would make it even, 3 boys, 3 women, well almost even.

Reaching our destination half an hour later, we met up with CA, our tour guide, mind you we got lost 5 times. CA is a close friend, a bubbly character, also amazingly beautiful. Friend, course/class/room - mate to ZT.

We went for dinner, noone ate, we had beer, and a couple of moments of silence - Literally. ( For the old man who died due to the recent haze caused by open forest burning in Indonesia.)

Here's the scenario CA and ZT talking as if they hadn't seen each other in a month, reality probably being half a day. One guy trying out small talk on HL, another guy, not talking to ZT, the last guy trying to get my attention as I tried to make a connection between everyone. It didn't work...we had to move to backup plan PD.

"Hey, everyone, listen-up...* silence *...let's go somewhere...* thinking *...!! Ohhh!!! Let's go to the beach!!...Where got beach ah?!?!.." I announced.

My thoughts went a little like this. "Let's go...we're going to the beach in PD. Everyone is going to grab a guy and walk on the beach far away from ZT and the one she likes so they can have a romantic moment."

Anyhow, driving 145kmh, we reached PD in 30-45. And when we did, us girls desperetly needed to go. Up ahead 100 meters, a gas station - Road Block - ...we didn't reach the gas station.

Of all the cars on the road, the police stopped us, they didn't even stop the car behind us, which held HL, ZT and the guy. So CA, two guys and I got out, they penned in our identites and by that time CA and I were shuffling and squirming. As we finally made it to the restroom, the mister ZT likes decides his friend needs his car back because he's hungry, and has no clothes to wear. "ZT what shall we do?"

ZT and the guy never made it to the beach that night, instead, they had a whole 45 minute drive alone together. So my hopelessly romantic scheme didn't turn out that bad afterall.

In the mean time, we were already in PD, two guys, two girls this time. We just had to check out the beach. So HL and I strolled the beach. It was a beautiful night. The guys and I made a wish, well one guy made 2 wishes. The other guy made a wish about the woman of his dreams falling deeply in love with him. I made a wish about my prince charming. The guy with two wishes told us frankly that he didn't wish about women.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

What Went On

Finally completed my optional paper. I took a Sunday and 3.5 days from work to study for the paper...In other words I have a great reason to believe that I flunked the paper, horribly.

Anyhow it's over now and you all know how much I like to dwell over the past.
i.e.Ok, Next Topic - Life Goes On!

So the next topic, much like the previous topics is about love and life. I think I'm going to be on these topics alot, so leave now if you're not interested. This blog is not about you, it's about me looking at you!

Last night I had a tremendously long conversation with a guy through the phone. It was quite interesting. We talked, about love...and life. He had this amazingly sexy voice, a sensitive manner, and of course flatteringly sweet words.

It's easy to hear good things about yourself, you know you shouldn't indugle in what people say about you, you'd probably bloat, and explode after awhile. But I couldn't resist, I have to say I had a good time.

Now that I think about it though, is it wrong to have a passionate conversation, (dont get me wrong, not phone sex, nor anything of the sort, perhaps just deep, sensual, a real heart to heart), with another person if you are currently in a relationship?

Or would it be a just friends thing? Is it wrong to trust a person, more than you trust your partner? Or consult with someone regarding your personal problems, this person not being your partner?

I know that some of these answers lie with the individual, and what the couple sees the relationship as.

There are people who respect the fact that we all have secrets and respect the fact that there were friends before them and there will be friends after them, and that though both tell each other alot of things, there are some things that can only be shared with friends, rather than partners.

And there are people who need desperetly need to know each and every detail of their partner since birth. I write this in utter fear, fear of being bound by secrets that I shouldn't have released from my grip to begin with.

It's hard to let go and entrust people with your secrets, when there is a definite possibility of relationships going sour. We see it all the time, when the wallowing dies down, the fear begins.

He'd probably blurt out all my secrets just to hurt me. All that I confided in him has disappeared in an instant. Which also brings us to, a frequent question, did he actually love me? And if he did, how can that love suddenly disappear?

Now you know why love is but an illusion?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Finding My True Self

Yesterday I spent a good half of the day updating myself on the on-goings of some of my closest friends. I took the liberty of checking out their blogs. I found myself astonished at the how much I didn't know about them. Of course after the huge move almost a decade ago, things do change.

Eternal Ramblings Of A Spotless Mind blew my mind as I read every complicated word wrtten in her blog. I finally realise why she took up law.

Twistedbrick is a blog that flows in a totally different direction, never-the-less captivating and addictive.

Both critically analytical, bringing out their personality throughout. Comparatively, this blog, is about love and life. As it always has been for me. Not about poltics nor politically correct nor incorrectness, not about inspiration, just about a girl, carefree, and a little lost.

Dreaming, aspiring, yet never taking measures to go for the gold. Just hanging. Just hoping...

Monday, August 08, 2005

For Better Or For Worse

It's funny how everyone wants more. More money, more assets, more fame, and definitely more love.But when is it finally enough?In the careerminded world of today, people work those extra hours to earn that overtime pay, go all out to make that sale. But when it comes to love. When is it finally enough?

Are people constantly looking for someone better than the person next to them? A friend of mine got me thinking "Men are always looking for the woman who treats them the best."

There is always a woman better than the next. Does that mean that every man will leave any woman for the next? With the mere reason that the other woman treats them better?

I've always thought that being with someone was to accept their faults, comprimising, accepting and loving them for who they are, less than or equal to the girl next door.But in the mind of a man, does all this theory actually exist?

We often hear about the forces and power of love, the grace and integrity of loyalty, would people of the world today adhere to this had they the chance to sprint for someone better?

Friday, August 05, 2005

A Hazy Day

It's not only been a hazy day but a hazy whole week, and I anticipate an overall hazy month. The haze makes me feel stuffy, unclear and perhaps a little down.

Perhaps not just the physical haze, the emotional haze is really a bother too. It's a transition for me now. There's lots of things going on, hard to see a clear picture of the what might be. It makes me nervous.

Part of me wants to just be the carefree girl many perceive me as, part of me wants to achieve something in life. Most of me just hopes that patience would hurry up the process of my dreams, if that's what they are - dreams.

I want to let go, and let life decide my future for me. I contemplate whether it's ourselves who make our own dreams come true by working hard, or whether we should relax and keep watchful eyes for oppertunities, and grasp as they fly by.

Perhaps I need someone. Or perhaps this is the time in my life where I need to be alone. To search my soul for who I want to be, to sit and wait for the haze to clear so that I can see ahead, and have something to work towards.

Today is hazy, and like I said it's going to be a hazy month ahead.