Monday, July 24, 2006


I asked myself last night, what is wrong with him? Why does he always make me sad? Why does he always do this to me? Why every time that I am associated with him I am alwasy sad and down, how can I be with someone that always makes me sad?

I realise that I have been asking myself this question over and over again for so long, in every relationship that goes bad, I always ask myself what was wrong with him...I analyse what he didnt have that I needed or wanted. It was always about what he did wrong to me.

I have been analysing this since I knew the meaning of the word man, always to find myself with alot more problems and no solutions.

I realised last night that I was asking the wrong questions, I was looking in the wrong places. I overlooked the easiest solution, I overlooked the place, the answer that was right under my nose. Literally.

I never asked myself about me.

I never asked myself what it was that I didnt do, I never asked myself why I was sad because of him. I never asked myself what I really wanted and what was really making me sad, disapopinted and making me fall into deep stuck situations that I could never get out of.

I got to a point where I really didnt know what I was doing, I was down as hell and I looked and analysed his situation in every possible way, trying to figure out what he was doing wrong and what he could change that would easily satisfy me and at least give me the faint of happiness in the relationship.

I got some sense knocked into me last night and I realised that the problem was with me. I did not know what I wanted, I lost sight of my goals and motto in life, in love.

I took a good long thought about me, and I realised that I wasnt being the person that I wanted to be, and that was why I was so unhappy and dissatisfied, and that was why I could not accept particular things and events that happened, or shall I say did not happen in the relationship.

Ever since, forever, I have wanted to be the woman behind the successful man. My role in life is to be the lady for one man, and that is what I want and that is what I strive for. I want to be the everything to one man. A man that I truely love, should love ever fall into my hands.

It's about what I can do for him, it's about how I can support him and how I can be there for him in anything and everything, without doubt, without worry, with full trust. To know that this is the position that I want to hold, makes all the things that I have been wanting and needing from a man, seem small. What I want more than anything is to see the man that I love, happy.

If I have pledged to do anything to make that happen, sacrifice is but part of all the shit, all the bad stuff is only part of working towards what I really want.

My friends say that being the woman behind the successful man is the hardest thing to do, it requires immense strength and devotion. They ask me, do you think you are strong enough? And I tell them, I will be. And I trust that I will be, because that is what I want. This is what I have chosen.

They say why? You can do anything with your life, you could be the successful woman, why do you want to be the person behind it all, carrying all the shit, and receiving no credit for it. Why burden yourself?

Le, told me you know, there was this famous actor, and his wife and kid. When this actor married the his wife, nobody knew about it. Imagine you're the wife of the superstar and no one knows who you are. You see your husband only once or twice a year, and nobody acknowledges you as anything. Imagine how much burden she had to carry with her, to be faithful, to believe that one day someone, one day the man that she married would appreciate her for being there, for going through so much strife and still stuck with it. It took 20 years for this superstar to realise that he had neglected his wife, and it took him 20 years to realise what she must have gone through not be able to question what her husband, a rich, famous actor was up to. To have waited for 20 years to have believed for 20 years.

But because she stuck with it, because was so immensely strong, and because she so generously bore the burden, she, after 20 years is appreciated. He knows, that he has someone that has been there for him for so long, through all the shit. He appreciates her.

And perhaps that is all I want, to be appreciated, for someone to relise that I am there for them. For that simple acknowledgement. It's worth a lifetime's pain and suffer.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Neat Stuff

I just found some pieces that I wrote like 5 years ago. It's pretty weird when I look back, some of the things I wrote I still believe in, some I have grown out of. Take a look below. My favorite is "It's Just Today".


by echez
Uploaded 6th Jul 2001

Love has since devoured into reeking sour breaths
Dissolved in the tones of the cracking heart
Was it the fingers that grasped their fragile wings?
That anchored to the ground what should rightly be in flight?
Twinkles in the dark that were never rekindled.
What horrendous maneuver would lead to this?
Was Love's blood drained into the sea at large?
To be dug up in the midst of fire-as stone?
The Finder never finds what the Loser has lost.
But recreates a passion for life in doom
A smirk of the devil presides the act of an angel
And relapse of the thick drumming in the tunnel
Recreates the scene of end-flash and flash again.
Who rings the bell of eternal sleep?


by echez
Uploaded 6th Jul 2001

The stringy smile that once held truth
Smeared as blood on the pale of white
Mosaic caresses of silky softness- Absent
Vaporizing into mist, the liquid love
The whisk of the wind, harmonic to the wave of the sea
Transform into a drummer beaten drum
Frostbite might have infested a heart as cold.
The heat of love, the pain of lust,
The ear of the world, the 3rd from the scorching sun
Even that can't budge that thought, that one mistake.


by echez
Uploaded 20th Jul 2001

Piles of rocks upon the fleshy pink of spilling blood, it beats without a source- smashed into the pores of earth. A stained rash which never fades entices with the wretched laughter echoing into cold of night. You try to catch the voices in the dark but they drift into the wintered wind. Pulses of chills run through your skin you try to stop it but you can't.

The way it is, the way it's supposed to be-NO! I can't have it. Why must it be so? Summer goes but it comes again. You disappear to never return, you defy the final law of nature, the one that says that we are one. The one that says that love is joy. When winter goes it takes with it the bitter cold. You leave the worst for I. A barrel of fear, a field of pain, and worst of all a world of loss.

Continuing it's path, the Earth misses not a minute. Every piece of that dreaded phrase, kept and saved into eternal files of pain. Repeating once and again.

When you finally pierce a hole, everything at rapid speeds, is sucked out of this dimension. You strive with lifeless hope to find the missing arrow, the one that would point the way to help.

Your soul is alone in the fire, no one told you about the bomb, if they did you too would have run, if they'd only taken two breaths and spent one on you.

The sun shines now. It shines into my eyes. Not the beauty of the lillies not the pain of love- life has become a task, an eternal task to live.
by echez
Uploaded 20th Jul 2001

Blankets of winter leaves cover the flesh of the earth.
As skin turning light brown in preparation for the next level.
Readiness for the stage of further growth.
Death of faith brings life to the devil
Plattering to him the righteousness of that cloud;
That once had them floating.
That serpent, mincing black skies while preaching fire.
Water never enough to put out that flame, that
Dark aroma humidifying the thick grey smog.
A head appears from the underworld above
Which spurts the juice of the body unto a mutation called earth
The holy drink of the heavens, burns a hole into the illusion of death;
Which brings forth the illusion of life.
That nightmare of purity, puffy whiteness which seeps into denied wits
Enhances that dream of murdered innocence that was once graspedand nurtured-image to heart.
Now lay quintuplet destruction, silence lies within all.


by echez

Uploaded 24th Aug 2001

You feel the clouds drowning, what does that make you?You see the world turning into a dump of heartache,
You, a mere single soul, what does that make you?

You surf the bowl of cereal on a cornflake, knowing that they'll either turn soggy or you'll be eaten into the sore throat of the older generation.

In one ear you hear acoustic voices dawning from the new era.
In another, the effort of equal hearts seem to try too hard to win whatever you have to offer to them. It's not much but more than enough to contain the petite of man's desire.

Native to the non-female species, is the color of the green eyed monster who cowardly ran when it's essence essential, who is due to return when the sky darkens, and situations thicken.

Why when there is but weakness, does all worst come rolling in? When you're in the midst of drowning, the life line doesn't hold.

You've all been there and now is when the falling tree lands - it's high time.

Love is Faith

Love is Faith
by echez
Uploaded 14th Sep 2001

You'd love to love him, but you don't know him, is three days enough to be loved? To start a relationship? He says that he loves me, he says that he won't hurt me. He says that he's different, and he says that he is the one for me.

What do I think? I think that if it is love, than it will last and that if we give it time then it will develop.

Do I love him? I can't! How can a girl learn to trust a guy in a mere three days? Without any knowledge of what he is and who he is.

If I loved him, then it would only be because he is good looking, and nothing more. For that is the only thing that I know and am sure about: that he is good looking, and frankly speaking, that is a whole lot of cow dung!

Looks are very very decieving, and we are very much aware of that. Why are we humans, attracted to such an image, the image of the dark. What is love if looks is the foundation?

Love is from within, it is a mark that will never disappear even till the end of the world. That is what love is and to fear the disappearance of love is to doubt the fact that one is in love.

Love means faith. We must believe in everlasting love before we indulge ourselves into this heart breaking point in our lives.

Thus if you are in love, you have nothing to fear.

The Illusion of Love

by echez
Uploaded 21st Sep 2001

I've hiked through the mounts,
Fallen off cliffs, drifted on an iceberg and landed in the Alpes.
I've heard the sweetest birds sing for the devil.
Seen the wild hop the dance of death. I've felt the winds turn over the clouds,
The acid of the sea brush against supple skin, bringing forth the peel of dirt.
I've touched the scorch of fire,
Grasp the growing pear like vines.
The spewing flood, drowning the very fish which heed life in it.
And I have felt the silence - the hole in the universe
Where lambs seem a bedlam.
The is the black that blanks out the faith.
But amongst these, a magic wand waves the sky into the heavens
The illusion of love.

Breaking Up

by echez
Uploaded 27th Nov 2001

When anger overcomes you, you cannot control your fury, every harsh word in your system is released, you think not nor do you feel what she is feeling, as your heart becomes lighter hers fills with anger and the full fledged love she had for you is suffering from the frostbitten horror of your thoughts, your feelings, those things you promised yourself you would not ever mention to her but that you'd keep and accept. All of the things that you have accepted before, you can't anymore, you feel that every movement she makes gives you grief and it is all just a horrendous sight.

You shoved your love into the half frozen sea and watched her freeze and drown. Only then did you realize that she was the lifeline to your heart. She was the reason happiness dwells in your heart on those lonely nights. These nights when you think back at her, your regret flames inside you, you wonder why you allowed yourself to be like so, but no one is to blame. Just you.

What happens next? Your only love, gone and it's entirely your fault. You can only live with the mistakes that your stupidity has allowed. You're sad and you don't know what to do. She doesn't want to see you ever again, she says "we can be friends" but her speech is cold. She says everything is okay, you know they're not. You wonder what happened to all the love you two felt before, where it has disappeared to and why it won't come back.

Possible Reasons

One of the reasons this girl's feelings have become somewhat cold is because this is a self-defense mechanism. To avoid further hurt and disappointment, the person becomes defensive and may even end up being unkind and cold. One of the most essential things to understand is that this is simply self-preserving mechanism.

Often, we tend to think that we are in fact terrible people and that perhaps there is something wrong with ourselves, but this is never the case. The way that this girl reacts is something she has to do to carry on with her life. It is important for one to understand this, for only when we can accept that we have made a mistake and that we have to face the outcome of the result, have we begun to heal.

We must not try to hide our feelings, but try to understand them and let them be until they fade away. We must not feel sorry for ourselves, nor lose that self-confidence, because we all know that we have loved before and we will surely love again.

A tip that one of my dear friend suggested was that when you are happy and do not depend on others for happiness then things will go well and you will find that there are many more things in life than being sad and depressed.

Regret is something we will all feel but we will all learn from our mistakes and we will be great. There is no point in dwelling in the past. If you still love her, than do so, but know that life goes on, and only you can choose your path to happiness.

It's Just Today

It's Just Today
by echez
Uploaded 25th Aug 2001

Someone once wanted to know: - What comes out of hate? The answer lies simply in the face of the heart, when the peel of the orange squirts into your eyes and the earth starts rumbling and the water drowns your soul.

When you ask why, the reason is that you let happen, it is simply that you let go of your patience, the life line to your happiness.

You let your pain affect the world, you let the most significant person in your life just fade away. You didn't turn back to look, you didn't lift a finger when he fell into the ocean to become a feast for an urchant.

You were too absorbed in what people thought you didn't think of how the rainbow showed in the midst of the thunder. You didn't see the beauty in art of love, of the color of it's petals even in a dungeon of darkness.
You didn't know you had to pass through hell to get to heaven and how if you stayed inclined with the flames, you'd live the thorns of the hard desert floor.

Sometimes giving up a cuddle for the bitter wind outside is the only way we will learn that the cold is warm and that the warmth was the delusion held within, teaching us that termites consume our tree house.

When you're protected, you don't feel the tears of the sky, and you can't feel it's throbbing pain. It pastes' itself upon you, biting a hole into your sheild and piercing you.

Dates, Dating, Relationship

People often ask me, what is the difference between going on a date, dating, and being in a relationship, I could never really differentiate that before, and it didnt occur to me as being important until people started asking me, why I was seeing/dating/going on dates with so many guys.

I saw nothing wrong with the situation that I was in, I made known my intentions, merely to get to know a person more. Only when you get to know a person can you decide whether you would want to be in a relationship with them, and never the other way around. Is it wrong to have lunch or dinner with a guy, talking, laughing, and having a good time? Personally I dont think so. Does going out on this type of date mean that one is in a relationship? No it does not.

What is wrong with going out with A today, B tomorrow and C, the next day? It's just like hanging with your friends everyday.

Now if you regularly date, say A, then you guys are dating, getting to know each other better, perhaps just beginning to realise that there could, maybe be something more. You can still date people like D and E, coz they're just friends, but if you are serious about being in a relationship with A, then it is not recommended to be going on dates with other people.

Now if you and A decide to take it one step further, and start a relationship, then there should be no good reason to go out on dates, nor to be dating someone else.

When you meet someone, they're an acquaintance. You have every right to hang with anyone else.

When you go out with them once or twice for dinner, or lunch, or even a trip to the library, with intentions of getting to know each other better, you are going on a date or two, no big deal, still early, just friends getting to know each other, he might be completely not your type, this is the time to find out. Going on dates with other people is fine, as you're just getting to know other people.

When you go out with this person regularly, hang out regularly, more than just once or twice, you are dating. When you're dating someone, you're not in a relationship, you can go on dates with other people, you shouldnt, but if you feel that you want to, this is still the stage where it's okay.

When both parties make a verbal agreement to be each other's bf and gf, you are in a relationship. Two people in a relationship should be loyal to each other, they should no longer be dating nor going on dates. People that they meet or know should never exceed friendship, without benefits.

This is how I describe date, dating and relationships, I guess the point that I am trying to stress is that if you are in a relatoinship now, you made that decision because you really wanted to be this person's one and only, if you wanna mess around, dont get into a relationship.

If you and your person do not have a verbal initiation, or a mutual agreement that both of you are in a relationship, then you are not, and if you're not in a relationship then your partner is subject to date, although strongly advised against.

Do You Cry?

Le, Zt's bf asked me last night "do you cry?"

I told him, "I have cried more than Zt and you put together."

"How do you know?" He asked.

"How often do people cry?...Don't answer that. Just think about it. When people are in relationships they cry, when they break up, they cry, when they are disappointed at grades they cry, when they're parents scold them they cry, sometimes they cry for nothing, when something bad happens they cry, when they are stuck, they cry. Now add those together and tell me, how many times have you cried?...dont answer take a look at me, and tell me that both of you have cried more than me."

"But you dont seem like a person to cry, you are so strong"

"What do you think made me this way? Everytime a person cries, they become stronger. Now tell me, do you doubt that I have cried more than the both of you put together?"

They nod, they didnt give me an answer, and they probably will never give me he answer, but it doesnt matter, one day maybe, perhaps they will have cried more than me, but it's not about who cries more than who, it's about what you learn what you go through that makes you stronger, and makes you the person that you are.

So yes, I do cry.

Type-I-cal Mine

I was reading about Twistedbrick's "The Type" and it finally got me thinking, in other words started me blogging again. I now realise where some of that inspiration comes from.

My type.

What is a type anyway? I never really stopped to smell the flowers on that one. Never really made a determination in that aspect. If a type means that you are setting limits to your interaction with people then I dont have one.

I was brought up to a dictionary that never contained the word dicrimination, and perhaps I realised that there are good people and bad people, and what they look like and what they have or do not have will never determine which catagory they come under.

Everyone starts out with a hundred percent, how fast that depreciates depends the flow of the interaction.
Back to types. If type refers to the characteristics in a guy that I prefer, I'd look for the ambition in a man, whether he is inspired in life, a sense of humor, and he has to smell, as twistedbrick says "devine".

Another thing I look for is the sense of security, whether that guy will be there when I need him, when I'm sad, will he be there, to hug me and be with me in silence with patience, through the pain.

People going away is one of the things I fear the most. It is one of the things that most often happens to me, so perhaps that is the strongest characteristic that I classify into my "the type".

1 Timothy 4:12

Dont let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

1 Timothy 4:12