Thursday, January 26, 2006

What I NEED to do.

I've always hated letting my goals be known, its always been too dangerous, too emotionally hurting if people around me find out that I did not acheive what I said I would. I hate that. I punish myself enough for not achieving, I dont need anymore from people around me.

Every seminar I attend, every self-help article I read, everyone who is anyone always keeps telling me that I need to write it down. I need to write my goals on a piece of paper. I've always thought of the meaning behind that. Perhaps it's to remind yourself, perhaps we do this to inspire oursevles, perhaps we do this so that we can concentrate on finding the path towards the goal.

I have always tried to simulate the results of writing a goal on paper by repeating my goal to myself repetitiously, I've tried to inspire myself by relating everything that i do towards my goal. I realise, that writing it down on a piece of paper does all that for you. It automatically induces these simulations into you, so rather than having to put so much effort into forcing yourself to be inspired and reminded, a little piece of paper does the trick.

heh...I have yet to rewrite my goals.

Aspirations/Dreams/Daily Life Routine/Other

1. Continue learning to play the violin.(pending)
2. Get my IR.(pending)
3. Get my Masters.(Registered for MBA February 25, 2006 - pending result of application)
4. Learn to dance.(pending)
5. Bungee Jumping.(pending)
6. Base Jumping.(pending)
7. Hang Gliding.(pending)
8. Sky Diving.(pending)
9. Exercise.( pending)
10. Make time for Basketball.(pending)
11. Swim again.(pending)
12. Fit into swim suite.(pending)
13. Look good in swim suite.(pending)
14. Consume at least 5 servings of Veggies and fruits per day..(pending - this is not working out-needs more work)
15. Develope and maintainstrong relationship with my cousins.
16. Make sure phone bill is less than RM100 per month.(ACHIEVED!!)
17. Get Streamyx at home - be able to afford it..(pending)
18. Rent a place of my own..(pending)
19. Get furniture for the place of my own..(pending)
20. Get a hip sound system and TV, even if I'm not that into music nor TV.(pending)
21. Nice fridge stocked with food and snacks all the time.(pending - stock runs out within the hour-heh)
22. Paint my new place with colors of my own choice.(pending)
23. Take better care of skin.(pending)
25. Try washing my own clothes..(pending)
26. Try ironing my own clothes..(pending)
27. Cook.(pending)
28. Wake up at 6am every morning.(pending)
29. Sleep at 11pm every night.(trying very hard to do so, it has reduced to 12 or 1)
30. Read news paper daily..(pending)
31. Read a book a fortnight/month/week.(ACHIEVED!!!)
32. Try to get in da groove with music..(pending)
33. Buy CD's.(pending)
34. Get a book shelf for my books..(pending)
35. File my documents and put them on the shelf.(ACHIEVED!!)
36. Get colored contact lenses (just for the fun of it).(pending)
37. Pay insurance. (ACHIEVED!!!)
38. Pay study laon(ACHIEVED!!!)
39. Take art classes..(pending)
40. Take business classes.(pending)
41. Take Public speaking classes.(pending)
42. Take Drama classes.(pending)
43. Upgrade my car.(pending)
44. Learn how to surf the internet patiently.(pending)
45. Get new shoes.(ACHIEVED!!!)
46. Start savings for my kids.(pending)
47. Keep a journal.(blog??).(pending)
48. Work at work.(ACHIEVED!!)
49. Go out only on weekends.(ACHIEVED!!!)
50. Go home after work.(ACHIEVED!!!)
51. Go over college books..(pending)
52. Visit Japan again.(pending)
53. Visit Hong Kong again.(pending)
54. Visit China again.(pending)
55. Visit Thailand again.(pending)
56. Visit Papua New Guinea again.(pending)
57. Australia.(pending)
58. Europe.(pending)

59. Definitely India.(pending)
60. Visit Grandparents in AZ.(pending for April 2006~!!)
61. Visit uncles & cousins in AZ, CA, WA...where ever they may move to.(pending for April 2006~!)
62. Learn french, chinese, malay, spanish, german..(pending)
63. Go to church.(pending)
64. Read the bible.(pending)
65. Buy more dresses.(pending)
66. Wear more dresses.(pending)

67. Meet more people.(Not doing such a bad job)
68. Catch up with friends.(Caught up with LA)
69. Dont get involved with men right now.(Well...Not doing too bad...I guess).(pending)
70. Keep account of expenses.
71. Give parents money.(ACHIEVED!!)
72. Specialise in ONE programming software & language.
73. Get and manage a credit card.
74. Invest in something.
75. Take law.
76. Re-organise my PC, re-install all necessary programs.
77. Organise and collect software CD's.
78. Dont miss the good movies that come out in the cinema.
79. Try to make time for myself.
80. DO WELL IN MY MBA!(pending)
81. Keep a planner.(ACHIEVED~!!)
82. Buy more shoes.(pending)

It was my plan last year to work, and PARTY! I told myself that I was going to give myself this treat for being such a good girl and studying ALL my life, and then jumping straight to work without ever having a break to myself. I think I did a good job last year. I did ALOT of partying! Now my goal is to settle down a little, do less partying, and more serious stuff. I think this will be the beginning of success, and a long learning process to come.

I will work towards persuing my MBA, nothing else will budge me. This is my goal. I will be totally and completely focused. Everything I do and everything I work on will be for the sole purpose of completing or enhancing my persual of this part of my life.


Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I Question Thee

When can one actually be certain that they are in a relationship? And when is a relationship binding?

Throughout my life, I have always assumed that being in a relationship, in the least, required verbal confirmation. Both parties must at one instance or the other agree to the binding agreement of being either the girlfriend or the boyfriend.
Many people realise that this is essential, for the least, confirmation of the situation.

What happens when nothing is said? There is no verbal confirmation of the current situation. What is it then? Is there a relationship, or is there not?

When does a relationship stop being friends, and start being more than friends, or when does a friendship become a relationship? Is the deciding factor - sex? or a kiss? or perhaps a feeling?

Having sex not necessarily means that a couple is in a relationship. Kissing definitely does not definitely equal to relationship. When friends kiss, does that mean that they are no longer friends, but are more than friends? When friends have sex, deos that mean that they are in a relationship? or are they still just friends?

When people have feelings for each other and tell each other and decide that they will share sex and kisses, and their good and ad times a relationship. right?

What happens when two people are crazy about each other but are both so freaked about having a relationship, and so freaked out about being in a relationship, they never make that verbal confirmation. They are in a relationship, but technically they're not because they once told each other that it would be a bad idea to be in a relationship because both were scared.

As time passes by, a relationship builds, they are both aware that they have already taken a step into something that they're gonna have a hard time getting out of, but still neither party will bring up the topic again. What is the problem?

Is this the real thing? When both parties are not able to commit, yet act as if there is a commitment, what is the real deal?

I think that there are too many unknowns and too many unsures. Both not willing to give up the independence that they have worked for, both not yet ready to give up a lifestyle to suit the other.

Just hanging, perhaps just having a fling...another one of those to go with his road to success story.

*sigh* cast to the side once too many, when will I be the one? Will I ever be better than them? The fame and fortune that mean more to you than the hearts that beat for only you?



On Sunday night, I stayed up till 4am, Monday morning. I dont know what I was doing that day...probably's what i do most nights.

My ex and I decided on an early breakfast so that we could exchange CDs. I had all his CDs and he had mine. I dont really even listen to the stuff he listens to so I returned them. We dont really contact each other, but have been putting off seeing each other due to our busy schedules. We had planned to return the CD's many times but they all never really worked out so this morning was a great time. We also took a trip to the bus station to pick up my bus ticket to Penang.

The bus was due to arrive at 0030hrs Tuesday morning. After breakfast, and a sort of comfortable akwardness with the ex, I headed myself to work. I was an hour early.horrible.

The evening I packed up my stuff, two bags, one backpack, and one office-y bag like suit case like but it's a bag.
So I hang with my brother and his friends for awhile then drop myself off at the bus terminal at 1145hrs.
Ta, who stays close-by came to wish me farewell, though I'd only be away the day. That was sweet. A kodak moment. Except that we didnt have a camera.

I got onto the bus and settled myself into the comfy seat and waited. The bus didn't depart for another 40 imnutes. I took out my book, and started reading. I got kinda tired and slotted the book in the little pocket like thing in front of me and just sat for awhile. A malay guy sitting behind me asks to see my book. It attracts him because it has the face of the ex prime minister on the cover.

He starts talking about politics and business, how the book i was reading was once banned and on and on. THe bus starts moving. I want to sleeep! He keeps talking for awhile about business, i came to a conclusion that this guy is pretty well read.
He talks about his wife and four little girls and how his car got broken into and on and on...I finally decide to ignore him and fall asleep.

6 hours later, I reach Penang.

I tried to call Va, an old college mate who recently found herself a job there. I found that my phone line had expired. There was still about twenty bucks worth of talk time but the expiry date had elapsed. This never happens to me as i usually use up all the talk time before the expiry date. Anyways I used the PUBLIC phone!...ikes...yuck...

So i call her up and she picks me up within 10 minutes. We have a bite to eat, then head back to her apartment. We shower and get ready for work. She starts at 0800hrs, and my thing was only at 1030hrs. I ask her where her work place was and whether she knew where the place I wanted to go was.

Coincidently the place i wanted to go to and her place of work were neighbors. She gave me a ride at 0800hrs. I waited for my appointment from 0800hrs until 1145hrs! Well at least they interviewed me for the WHOLE 5 minutes!

Anyways after that, I lugged my two overpacked bags outside into the burning sun, wishing that I drove my car. My friend assured me that the mall was just around the corner, so I could get there on foot. I said okay, searching hopelessly for a cab that was not there.

My next appointment, 1600hrs.

What am I supposed to do from 1200hrs to 1600hrs? I waited...I waited...

1400hrs I make a call. The next appointment is confirmed.
1500hrs I make another call. The apointment is confirmed again.
1600hrs, I wait.
1615hrs, I wait.
1630hrs I get suspicious.
1645hrs, I receive a call. "I'm not able to make it today.
1700hrs - Okay

Numbness. Not knowing how to feel. I was too tired to be angry. Running out of cash, in a place too far for comfort. I take a BUS. A "mini" bus! The automatic door that opens half the automatic doors opens half way! With two overstuffed, over heavy bags, splintering hot sun, and a packed mini bus, I make my way to the bus terminal.

I buy a ticket, and am on my way home.

6 hours later.

I reach KL. Take a train, go the wrong direction, turn back, change trains, finally reach my destination, call my mom and ask her to pick me up. She brings my car, I miss my car. I drive home, shower, watch three episodes of a show and go to sleep.


Monday, January 16, 2006


.i wonder if you feel it when I cry, I wonder if you feel the pain I feel.I wonder if you'll see it when I leave, I wonder if you'll hold on tight, or let it go.

Your words convince my mind to wait etertinity for that one caress, your absence drills a hole that can never be refilled. With a sighing heart, swallowed cries, held back tears and a withering lurve...was it? is it?

Is it love enclosed in tears? What could it be if not a love?

It doesnt matter anymore. hanging from a cliff I tried to hold on, I really did...I tried so hard to be brave. I didn't mean to let it go, It must have been my hands, they must have given way. Or was it my heart, the pain was just too heavy for me bear. There was nothing I could do.

I never cried for help, I was alone. You knew that I was falling, but the world was more important to you. It's okay, I understand.

But I really didn't mean it, I didn't mean to fall.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Ax And The Old Year

The old year....

Right before the year ended, LA and I, DI and her friend partied...we hung out so much, it's taken most of the new year so far to recover, can you imagine?heh.

In the process of course, we run into a species called MAN!

Men : Ax - I was standing outside a club on a wednesday night, there was a gig goin on that night so I brought my brother and his friend as tey wanted to go, got them in for free.

I was kinda bored, wanted to get outta there already, Ax and his friends decided to drop by the place. Ax and his friends are Australian BTW. So they wanna get in but they are inappropriatly dressed. Two of the guys try and bribe the bouncer while three others walk away. I was just standing there, waiting for my brother so I strolled to a table nearby and leaned against it as I was really really tired.

A few minutes later, this white guy leans on the table too, right next to me. After an akward second, he smiles at me. So I smile back, and then we started a conversation. I dont know how we started a conversation, but it just happened. While I talk to Ax...actually while he answers my one sentence questions with deep essay-like answers, I try to be attentive. ( I'm usually pretty good at this) but this time, I felt myself zoning out, I felt my smile turn fake, his face was starting to blur, and when I am about to really lose it...he says "so yeah, so what about you?". "Uhrrr, yeah....well...hehe...I dunno" smile more and say I dunno, then you wont have to answer questions.

Okay then! I'm taking over the conversation, questions with short answers. Where are you from? Australia. Oh... What do you do? I play games with you're like a psychiatrist or a psycologist or whatever...urm not exactly, I'm a...

Okay well at least it's not too boring anymore...interesting guy, maybe La would like him, he's from Australia, perhaps he'll have something in common with her...oh well...if he asks for my number, then I'll give it to him, see what happens. I have a feeling he and La would get along. I dont think he's my type, but he might make a good friend.

=O Well whattaya know, he asks for my number! It's Wednesday, he's staying till Sunday, and not even in KL, but rather in Malacca or something. He'll probably call and say goodbye or something.

The Next Day...

"Hey, this is Ax, how's it goin mate?"( They always say this)
"Urmm, (does this mean how are you?) yeah I'm good, how are you?"
"I decided to activate this phone line so that I could call ya, so what's goin on?Wanna meet up tonight?"
"Oh okay, urm (cannot go out with him alone I'll bore to death) so okay, well my friend and I are going to be goin for dinner later on, wanna join?"

La, I met this guy yesterday, is it okay if he joins us?
Cool Okay...

So that is how the story goes...Sl, AnR, our friends from school were meeting up with La, me, and now Ax. It was a pretty fun night, though noone really talked to Ax during dinner because we were busy catching up with old school mates. After dinner though, we hung out at the club Ax and I met the night before. We went inside this time, drank, danced, and had a good time. Later, La and Ax talked, they had so much in common. I was yawnin the whole time coz I wasn't interested in what they were talking about.

Anyways, we say goodbye, and figure that we're never gonna see Ax again as he was due to leave in a few days and would be in another state for those few days.

A few days later...

"Hey this is Ax, how's it goin mate?"
"Hey! I thought you left?"
"Nope I decided to extend my stay so that we could hang out..."
Wow, people actually do that...
"Oh, cool"

So we went to a a bar somewhere in Sunway, had a few drinks, talked about his life, and bits and pieces of mine. He started telling me about how he strongly thought that I need to communicate with my dad, though true in a sense, it was weird, I felt a little invaded, like "what the heck do you know about me and my dad!". But I could tell that he was just trying to help.

There were alot of akward moments, which usually doesn't happen to me. I dont think he really noticed because he was deep in thought during those akward silences. So to him they were just thoughtful moments.

He was very gentleman-like, kept his hands where they should be, decent. Tried to put his arm around my shoulder once, then saw that I was kinda uncomfortable, gentlemanly asked me whether I felt uncomfortable, and I smiled shyly and said "maybe".

He removed his arm.

We drank a few more and I decided that I was tired. He asked me
"I would like you to spend the night with me. I mean not necessarily sex, just hang out."
"Would you like to spend the night with me?"
" Did you think that this was what it was? Were you expecting me to just sleep with you?"
" No, I dont expect you to sleep with me, it would be nice if we could hang out the whole night or something, I would disappointed if it ended up with a hug and you saying that you had a good time. So..."
" ...Look, when we leave this place, I'm gonna give you a hug, and tell you that I had a good time because I did, and we'll meet tomorrow with La, Ok?" (La and Ax had planned to meet tomorrow, both invited me to join)
He is disappointed, swallows defete and gives me a hug. I tell him I had a good time.

I call La, and suggest that perhaps she hangs out with Ax while I am at work, perhaps they could go site-seeing together. They get along so well. So it's all set, they are meeting in the afternoon and hanging out, then later on I'll join them. La apparently went up into the guys hotel room! To leave her bags from shopping of course. That was a bad move. Very dangerous. In the end nothing happened, we met up at night, it was tremendousy, tremendously BORING! I can almost swear, that I have never met a person that I could so NOT get along with, it was just completely akward, the whole time.

In the end, La enjoyed herself, thought Ax was a cool guy. That was good. He left for Australia the next day. Called to say Merry Christmas a few days later.

This pissed La off as she said that men are only interested in physical attractiveness becuase Ax and I had NOTHING in common.

Perhaps, though I hated, and felt tremendously uncomfortable when I was with Ax, I didn't show that to him and perhaps he didn't notice that I was uninterested becuase I think it's rude to not be attentive when people are talking. And because of that Ax thought, in addition to physical acttractiveness, he felt the intellectual attraction as well, though I really had nothing to say to him, perhaps he needed someone to listen, and thus felt that we connected in some weird, twisted way. In other words he felt comfortable when he was with me. He didn't notice that I was bored, and totally un-interested. It's not like I sat there the whole night and said nothing, naturally I tried to start conversations and tried to look interested, and tried to make the night worth it's while with at least a little laughter. Perhaps it was that and not totally completely physical acttractiveness?

Anyways, he was weird, and didn't understand me at all. But he's a nice guy, weird and twisted in his own way.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Two Thousand Six

Perhaps intellectual men aren't looking for intellectual women. Perhaps the intellectual man wants a dumb pretty girl. I mean they can get intellectuality (is that a word?) from everyone around them, perhaps they dont want the person they're going to spend lots of time with to be too deep and intellectual.

Maybe they just want women just for sex. If that's not what you want then that guy isnt your type, wasnt to begin with, and so we have to move on. I think lots of men are like that, but i also think lots of women are like that, perhaps in the area of money and fame and things.

But I also know that there is me, who thinks the way i do, and i believe that if there are gals like me, who think the way i do, then there's gotta be guys out there who are experiencing the same thing.

I dont know, but I think I've had enough of guys, be they men or boys. I'm gonna be out of the scene for awhile...goodbye.heh.

Gosh so many things have gone on these past 2 weeks. It's been a heck of a party. I think the most important event that i would like to note is that I made the effort to quit smoking.

Yes, people who do not know, I was a smoker, I use to smoke. As of Jan 1 2006, I stopped.

Now let me get this straight, I stopped smoking because I wanted to, just because. I have not made this decision because i felt that I was obligated to, and I'm not doing it because somene told me to.

It's not something that i am forcing myself to do, it's just something that I prefer now. I do not restrict myself to NOT smoking at all for the rest of my life, it's no big deal. If I wanna smoke, I will. If I dont feel like it then I wont.

Anyways if one day, someone sees me smoking, and makes some stupid remark like, see, I knew you couldn't do it. Then I will get really mad, start smoking again, and never even think about quitting again.

It's stupid to say that to someone. It's stupid to tell someone that they are addicted and they will never be able to stop. Because that is the exact excuse that they will use to smoke for the rest of their lives.

echez 2006