I'm sorry

And I wandered out into the wild and I was taken by the beast that they call love, hidden in fire that they call life. And they covered my eyes so that I could not see, but I could hear and feel and taste and smell, but I did not believe. And so I took a step, further than I could ever reach. And then I fell. And all I could tell myself when I tried to get up was that if I hadnt taken that step, I would have never been satisfied with myself. My life would have never been complete. And so I gave myself that justification. But did that save me from the pain that I induced? No.

Am I satisfied at what I have done? No.

And so now I know, that there is no such thing as a happiness you strive to find, that no matter how real it seems to be, it never is. There will always be something missing. Or somthing more. Somthing more that should not be there. And sometimes that something more is you yourself.

Would I do it again if life would repeat itself? No. Does that mean that I regret the things that I have done that have led me into this predicament? No.

I am hurt and thus so many others. And pain is always good. Pain is always the root of the education of our lives. It is the exercise of our muscles. The strongest of all. The heart.

And so the story continues, less you, equal to me.

I'm sorry to you whom have put trust in me, that I have severed it. I never held it in contempt, until I did, I do not deny, and I am sorry.

Ajar

There is only so much a single person can do. We are people of capacity, once we have reached the maximum capacity, something starts to fall apart.

Love - of course love. We are only human, we do not have an eternal source of love. We wish we had, but unfortunate to say, we do not.

There's a jar, and if you like, the jar can be refilled, but we canot change the size of the love jar. Nope, the jar is all you got.

We can choose to use it up on one person, or we could choose to use it up on more than one person. But that would mean that this jar of ours would have to be shared. Now who would ever really want a shared jar?

Let's not even talk about love, let's talk about time. How much time could you possibly have to dissipate your care, attention, your love and even your hate?

Let's just say that we are all limited to a certain degree, and so, is it possible to love more than one person? I suppose so. But is it possible to have more than one love jar? Nope. And we're not talking about parental love or sibling love, or love of children or friends. It's about the ultimate love, the love that brings two people together forever. A love above all.

We are all looking for the love jar that has only our name engraved onto it. I haven't found mine yet.

Pythagoras

Do I think that he is messing with me? That just becuase he belongs in a part of society that is stereotyped to have a bias against the way that I look? No, I don't, and even if it were true, I am not afraid. What have I not gone through in my life that could make me afraid of the type of person that I could possibly find underneath it all.

I am not afraid becuase I am looking for someone to share my thoughts with, someone whom I am able to count on to talk to me, to comfort me when I am down. Someone to make me laugh and smile. And nothing more. I am not seeking a wonderful love and marriage. Not from someone whom I have just met.

The most important thing to me right now is to be able to smile while I live this part of my life. I realised that I cannot have more than that right now, becuase if you have no foundation, how can you expect a tower to be erected? Out of nowhere? Who in their right mind would ever trust that it would be stable?

The best thing about meeting someone new is that everything is new and intriguing. I have no doubt that in time that this will slowly fade away. I've seen it enough. How much could two people possibly have to say to each other?

It's not about the being there, it is about the being able to express yourself in a way that is sincere and genuine. I am only myself in the presence of the closest people in my life.

The people who have been there when I cry. Those are the people who are the closest people in my life. I cry alot, but only two or three people in that I hold close have actually, physically been there to hold me.

I think that might be what I continuously look for. I suppose eventually, the pillows just arent enough.
I have many by the way...pillows, never neglect the pillows.

Induction

I've been in Gove for a little more than a year now. It's high time to analyse the situation, as I always do. One thing that I find is constant all over the world is love.

People everywhere are in constant search for that one thing that tugs at their heart. It's such a little thing, such a frivolous feeling, but it's an addiction that everyone searches for.

I can only appreciate that through all my travels and experiences, that this is a constant factor. It's a security blanket for me to be able to gauge the people around me with the mere basics. The feeling of love.

Does this mean that I do believe in love? That love is no longer an illusion? No, I don't think that day will come. Love as a feeling. The feeling of love, can we compare that with the feeling of warmth, and hurt and pain?

If so then love, like these feelings, is never constant. Unless there is an external source to induce it. Keep the source constant and you may well have your answer to all your heart's desires.

最後一次 完整感人版

Was

And in a flash, it all disappears. The fountains which once splashed with joy at every wordly instance, has now faded into but a pale memory.

What it meant before no longer means, such a strain, to hear the music play.

Striving to reach into the depth to reel to surface the intensity that was there before, but no longer is. It's such a shame that it was here but has now gone.

How do we get it back? We can't. It will never look the same, it will never be the same. Such a shame.

Ni Na Me Ai Ta

直到爱消失　你才懂得
Zi dao ai xiang shi ni cai dong de

Only when love disappears, you will realize 
去珍惜身边每个,   美好风景
Qu jeun si shen bian mei ge, Mei hao fong jing
to treasure the beautiful scenery,
只是他早已离去
Ji shi ta zao yi li qu
but it is long gone
直到你想通　他早已经　不再对你留恋
Zi dao ni xiang tong ta zao yi jing, Bu zai dui ni liu lian
When you finally realize,  she no longer wants to stay.
最后的你　开始了一段挣扎
Zui hou de ni, Kai shi le yi duan zhen zang
It's the end of you and the beginning of a length of struggle
Chorus
你那么爱他,　为什么不把他留下
Ni na me ai ta, Wei shen me bu ba ta liu xia
You love her so much, why didn't you ask her to stay?
为什么不说心里话
Wei shen me bu shuo xin li hua
Why don't you say what's in your heart?
你深爱他　这是每个人都知道啊
Ni sheng ai ta, Zhe shi mei ge ren dou zi dao ah
You love her so much, everyone knows this.
你那么爱他 为什么不把她留下
Ni na me ai ta, Wei shen me bu ba ta liu xia
You love her so much, why didn't you ask her to stay?
是不是你有深爱的两个他
Shi bu shi ni you sheng ai de, liang ge ta
Is it because you love the both of them
所以你不想再让自己　无法自拔
Shuo yi ni bu zai xiang rang zi ji, Wu fa zi ba
That's why you don't want to let yourself get into a difficult situation.
Repeat

The Journey Begins

[MALE]

nee enthan anbe

uyirodhu kathal kalanthene

intha kathal valkai

maru jenmam tharuviya

[FEMALE]

varutham vendham kathala

piriyum valkai illaiyadha

enthan valkaiyum naan valnthal

athu unnudhen thanedha

[MALE]

ithuve pothume

azhagane anbu kathaliye

varthaigal illaiye

intha valkai pothume

[FEMALE]

en azhaga arugil vaa

ithu kanave illaiyadha

un anbe pothume

ithu mel ethu vendhume

[FEMALE]

kangal kanner varuthey

intha kathal unnai vittu piriyathey

[MALE]

malargal pol irukirai

ennai annaikke thudhikirai

kulintharaye en nanbannadhi

magilnthene en argunalil

kathali oh uyir kathali

[MALE]

nee enthan anbe

uyirodhu kathal kalanthene

intha kathal valkai

maru jenmam tharuviya

[FEMALE]

varutham vendham kathala

piriyum valkai illaiyadha

enthan valkaiyum naan valnthal

athu unnudhen thanedha

[MALE]

valnthal unnudhen valven

maranam vanthal thanimeiyil selluven

[FEMALE]

thanimeiyil ponaiya

ennai vittu selvayai

ezhu jenmanggal unnodhu than

maranam vanthallum kathal pirivu illaiye

oh ohh uyir kathalane

[MALE]

ithuve pothume

azhagane anbu kathaliye

varthaigal illaiye

intha valkai pothume

[FEMALE]

en azhaga arugil vaa

ithu kanave illaiyadha

un anbe pothume

ithu mel ethu vendhume

Because Of You

I will not make the same mistakes that you did 
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery 
I will not break the way you did 
You fell so hard 
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far 

Because of you 
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk 
Because of you 
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt 
Because of you 
I find it hard to trust 
Not only me, but everyone around me 
Because of you 
I am afraid 

I lose my way 
And it's not too long before you point it out 
I cannot cry 
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes 
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life 
My heart can't possibly break 
When it wasn't even whole to start with 

Because of you 
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk 
Because of you 
I learned to play on the safe side 
So I don't get hurt 
Because of you 
I find it hard to trust 
Not only me, but everyone around me 
Because of you 
I am afraid 

I watched you die 
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep 
I was so young 
You should have known better than to lean on me 
You never thought of anyone else 
You just saw your pain 
And now I cry 
In the middle of the night 
For the same damn thing

Because of you 
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk 
Because of you 
I learned to play on the safe side 
So I don't get hurt 
Because of you 
I tried my hardest just to forget everything 
Because of you 
I don't know how to let anyone else in 
Because of you 
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty 
Because of you 
I am afraid 

Because of you
Because of you

~Kelly Clarkson~

Correct Our Mistakes

It's always easy to offer what is not yours to give. But what is it like to contemplate the acceptance of something that will never be given to you. The acceptance of a hope of nothing?

It has always been a little bit of love and a vast enormity of hurt. So harden up b*tch, and get your fruggin act together.

And so it was.

I'm taking a step to hurt you and to hurt me, and so our lives can move on. Whatever it moves onto is beside the point, the point is that it has to move on.

I want what you have, and the knowledge that you have it and do not appreciate it, haunts me. What more can you possibly ask for? Look at you, look at your life, look at the beautiful things in your life. Look how they embrace you, look how you embrace them. How can your life not be complete?

The grass is always greener.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far...

~Kelly Clarkson~

Shopping?

I went shopping, I was feeling like shite and I went shopping. And then I realized that I have been watching too many movies.

I have always had this messed up idea that shopping would cure it all.

And so I put on a dress, showed off my newly pedicured pink toe nails, in my overly expensive heels,  accessories, make up and a dab of lip gloss.

I was ready to max out my credit card if it would make me feel better...

Five hundred thirty bucks and ninety cents later. I decided to call it quits. Shopping does NOT make me feel any better about anything, in fact it makes me feel horrible. I do not take joy in shopping. It does not give me the immense pleasure that all the girls make it out to be.

And so I sat there, exhausted, and feeling worse than when I started. I started to think why? Why cant this simple thing - shopping make me feel better?

And so I blame it on my mom, as we do, that I was not trained to do so and therefore I don't know how. Sometimes I just cant see why I work so hard to go the the mall and pay for stuff that I don't really need nor want.

I do admit though that some of the stuff looks pretty, but for what purpose?

Anyways I am still trying to figure it out.

Realization And Actuallization

I'm back and ready to rock!

A week ago today, I left, I really needed to go, I needed to get out of here, and I went back into civilization and now I'm good. I needed to get my head around the things going on in my life. I was straying away from what I have always lived for, and the me that I had always known. My spiritual and emotional life has always been the core of my existence.

My morals and values were so overwhelmed by my environment, and I couldn't bear to look at myself and be okay with what I was becoming, my insides were slowly rotting and I could just hear and feel it seeping through. But now I know.

Now I can see what I need to do, what I need to become.

Crash

And when I heard it, it paused my heart, and when I saw them run, it crushed me. And you were there, and overwhelmed, in my mind you grasped me and held me tight. And I saw in your eyes, and I felt in the air, that you'd never let me go. And it was pained, for it could not be so. And I had to stand and hope and wish and think, and like a snail, shrivel away, into a smile I did not mean.

Do You Miss Me?

When

I looked into your eyes and I thought I saw. And when you smiled I knew I was right. But did I know that it would be like this? Could I have ever imagined what was beyond what eyes could see? Never did I think that fate would bring me to this. This that which is there, that which I cannot persue, then which I cannot endure, thus I can never indulge. What a sigh I breath as I walk on, to seek with a great aspiration to find. The strength to leave equal the strength to stay, equal the strength to do nothing and give in to the weak. Tomorrow I will go, and I will leave all the things that hurt my heart, and all the things that core my hurt. That vein from nothing and vine on all.

I will miss nothing for there is no worth in missing pain. What was had no longer is. To strive is to be ignorant of the grasp of the nature in the universe. Once it's yours it will be so forever, until the day that you die. There is no turning back, and there is no need to. Not for me, not for you, but for the person next to you, and the person who is part of you. There is no place for me, not now, not ever. And I shall bow away, shriveled into a truth not even you can deny.