Orange Truck

Did I tell you that I was almost kidnapped by a strange man in an orange truck once?

I was roller skating (yes the one with the huge rubber thing on the front), and was about 8 or 9 and this man comes driving at the end of the driveway, and he says "little girl..." and I turned to see whether he was talking to me, and then he says "little girl...can you tell me what time it is?" and so I told him it was like 3 O'Clock or something, and then he says, "what? I cant really hear you, can you come closer?" I hesitate and think...oh no! I really shouldnt be talking to strangers!

Anyways, I go closer! Right up to his window, and he's got this really long, sort of bent thing in his hand, on his lap, and he's shaking it, it's sort of bouncing a little, like people who tap their heels on the floor, and their whole leg sort of moves up and down, anyways, it was that movement.

So, then he says, I saw you and your friends feeding the horses just now, and true enough, my gal friend, her younger brother and I take a shortcut after school through that little alley/passage way that goes past a wooden fence where the horses are, and we feed them and then climb the wall over to our little apartment/unit thingys.

He says, "Do you know what this is?" sort of eyeing this thing on his lap. and it was totally on his lap, almost reaching his knee. I shake my head and say "no". He said " Do you know what boy horses have and girl horses dont?" And I had no idea what he was talking about. So he continues " It's something that boy horses have and girl horses dont have, do you know what it is?" And then I got scared and skated away as fast as I could, strutted inside and locked the door.

=( Childhood Trauma...

From Audrey Hepburn by Barry Paris, 1996, Putnam

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

That's Right

Love is thinking about someone more times in a day than you think about yourself...

"It seems your friend is having a bit of trouble controlling his life, that's completely his own responsibility." MT

Tainted Expections?

I thought I had been through it all before, but I hadn't... There must be more, and I will learn expect it. 

It has been a long journey in search of what I really want in life. And as one of my exes predicted, one day I would yearn for it. One day I would be ready.

And I am, I'm ready now, more ready than ever. The things in my life are lined up, with allowances for the unexpected, which actually means that it is expected. 

With this in mind, I set out again, but now I know, I am certain of what I want and need in life. 

IT'S NOT OK!!

I can't see it being ok. Seeing what we've seen, hearing what we've heard, being where we've been, and doing what we've done. 

ITS NOT OK!!!

Pain vs Strength

The way the wind sways is so hard to determine, but everyone knows the calm before the storm. Then the hot damp darkness after the wreck, reeks of death and anger. 
You wonder why these things are done to you. Why the world waves your deepest desires in your face and destroys them while you struggle to grasp it's strands. 
Perhaps these are the trials and training grounds for something bigger, something better. 
But it sure hurts. 

Pain

There are no words to speak the fury that boils within me. There are but the tears of weakness that appear to the world. My heart torn from my being. My skin bare. My soul robbed of its fill. 
My breath, it's so hard to breathe. I cannot lift myself from this. It has crushed into the depths of an infinity undefined. 
A dream snatched from my grasp, like watching yourself disintegrate in pain before your own eyes. Unable to undo what will last your lifetime and a lifetime after you. 
Oh woe, woe is me.

Sometimes

There was a time when I was so sure, of you and why and how, and now I walk like a matted shade in the distance of my view. I cannot see here nor can I feel there. 
And in the midst of this heart that fades in time that grows away, I do not have what I should have, I am not where I should ought to be.
Where does it go from here for far and wide there is no path, no road to pursue, no aim to abide. 

The Choice For Nothing More

In the days of reflection, when the path for us is drawn by all that is around us. We take on the things in our lives with such power, with such force. We fall into an aura with the confidence to conquor the world.


The byproduct washes over the edge, and find that there has been an earth shattering realisation. A realisation that what was there is not enough, that you need to kick and scream and fight because you are ready. You have found that it is time for you to leap into the air an fly.

The comfort of the nest that was built for you, with pieces of you, is no longer enough. Your world has brightened, and now you can see, that there is so much more out there. So much more than you have ever had, you see that there is so much more that you could have - And you want it.

And so as the giver, shall shrink away into the nothingness it all stemed from. To be a lost part of all the lives.

The inspiration, the love, the hope and wisdom, are gone.

There is but a shell left to decompose.

It has always been true that if there are no choices to choose, then the choice was not chosen. There has been a belief that one should see the world, and see it's brilliance, see it's beauty and magic, and if after the diamonds have sparkled in your eyes, the sweetness has swirled your tongue, you come back to find that the one right here in front of you, shines just as bright, tastes just as sweet, then you have made a choice, you have chosen.

And what more, you hold the honor to want for nothing else.

Strength

"You are strong, sometimes we just need someone to remind us." BT

A Demand To Rule The World

In a world where it has always been about everything else, and everyone else. About other's happiness, pride, sadness, depression and even love, at the expense of your own, there is bound to be a time and place where it's about me.

Whether it be in the confines of this place I hide myself in the face of feirce and angry world, whether it be in the confines of my mind.

I believe it's by right, the time. For me, or even part of me, though immensely hesitantly, to stand up and shout for what I want and what I need.

It is the bane of my existance to lose myself in other people.

Me me me me and Me!

I wonder if I will ever be able to be okay with this situation. I believe that I am a very selfish person when it comes to love, care, attention from the people that I love the most. I want it all and I want it now!

I find that alot of times in my life, in my work and in the face of the world out there, everything is okay. But in the confines of my world, it's not okay. It's not okay that I dont get all the attention, it's not okay that there are other things and other people that are not me.

It is not okay that anyone could possibly choose anything other than me, than to be with me, than to talk to me, hang out with me, to do things that I want to do, to do things the way that I like them to be done...me me me me me!!

This self consummation, this desire to be loved to the highest degree, it screams out to the world. Where are you?!?! And why are you not here?!? Why am I still waiting?!

I have never felt this way before, I have never realised what I want and when I did I thought I didnt deserve it. But now I know what I want and I know that I do deserve it and I that is what I am looking for, everything else is sub-standard.

I have always taken sub-standard, I have always lived and suffered through it, and although it was hard, and unpleasent, I dont regret it, as it has only brought me to this point. Where I know what I want, and I am not going to accept anything that doesnt meet my expectations.

We'll see how I feel tomorrow =P

Parents In Australia

My parents are here! Yahoo!! They're actually in Perth, but it's so great. It's actually my first achievement and I've been nervous about it for like so long!


It's not easy to satisfy the parents, it seems so difficult to get make them happy and proud. I think I have finally done it.

An all expense paid trip around Australia - like expenses from my pocket!

That's my whole life savings!!! LOL...my parents are expensive. It's not like I have to buy their love and respect coz I'm sure they love and respect me anyway. But it's always nice to know that you can buy them stuff or pay for stuff.

I hope they have a good time. I called them this morning coz they arrived at like 1am this morning and I was asleep. There was no one at the reception so I had to wait a few extra hours to ensure that they got there safely. When I called, they were like, echez! It's veeery cooold and mommy's sick. LOL
I'm like what? You barely just got there and you're sick!
Anyways, hope they have a good time.

Of All

And there was a time when I thought I couldnt go on. When I thought that there was nothing more to life than what I saw in you. But now I can see, that there is so much more, that you would never be able to reach, that I had to reach before you, to find ahead of you, my dreams, my hopes, my love.

And there was a place that I saw myself, and when I looked around, I didnt see you. There is a place, that holds my dreams, and does not hold you.

There is a feeling, that I feel in the depths of my heart, that once lost in armored shields apears in the light of my days.

Now I peer into the future and a realisation in my mind developes into a cryptic beauty I never thought would consume me in this way.

Nothing, I find, will ever be enough.