Tuesday, July 31, 2007


She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
Waiting for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you
She's figured out
All her doubts were someone else's point of view
Waking up this time
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control

Sunday, July 29, 2007

i cry

I sat on the carpet today, and I cried.
Everyone has their insecurities right?
Everyone has a right to their past, right?

A past of passion, a past of love, of cherish, of faith and hope? Hope of the future that they've always dreamed of, right?

There was so much there, in the past, so much love. I dont know whether I am crying for the love that he couldnt have with her, or the love that I will never be able to replace.

It was wrong of me, I know, to have taken a look into his past. And now my eyes have widened, to see so many things that were hers, and now, being given to me.

Am I second best? Or am I the new first? I know, it's not a competition, it's not a game, but I dont think I can share. What's worse than physical torture is the type that eats into your mind, your heart.

Is it rediculous - yes. But it's there, it's real, my pain is real, please believe me, please, please dont cast it away. I can feel it, eating at my heart, penetrating into my soul. It hurts.

Am I being selfish? I dont doubt his love for me, I doubt the un-love for her. Love cannot be undone.

I'm trying to see, I'm trying to make it feel different, I really am. We all have our past, loves and hopes that have been crushed, that didnt work, and we move on, can we ever really move on? Can we ever really forget?

I'm trying to think of me, of my past, but I can think of nothing. It's no longer there, the feelings that I've had before, they no longer exist. I cant pull them out, my love for him is so intense, it overrules the past.

My only hope is that he feels the same. That a love he wanted so much in the past is no longer there.

But his heavy sigh, it makes me fear. The images, the words, they line his heart, they line his life. They linger in the room. The place outside his heart where I lay my head.

Monday, July 23, 2007


Why cant I understand? It's not about me not understanding. I feel this way and thus there is a reaction.

When I feel sad, I will cry, when I am happy I will smile, when it's funny I'll laugh. Why cant that be understood? Isn't it just the way people are? How can you expect me to change the way that I feel? People cant change what they feel. People can change the way they react to a feeling, but the feeling will always be there.

I could change my reaction to sadness, I could not cry, but that would just make me feel worse. Crying helps me, I'm a cry-baby. I'm not going to stop feeling, I'm not going to stop crying. If it makes the world feel better, I'll do it in the lone silence of my memoir-filled room, but that doesnt change the fact.

This is not a good time for me, I'm supposed to be strong but this is the weakest that I've ever been. I dont know where to find my strength, the only place I know is from pain.

Soon the pain will be over and I will be stronger, but along with it, I fear, will emerge a diluted heart, one that no longer values, no longer has the ability to adhere intense feelings, positive nor negative.

I thought we had something more, something deeper, but I will smile for you, just like I smile for them, if that is what you really think we are.

Friday, July 20, 2007

It's Sad

It's been awhile since I've written, my life these days have been rollercoaster...

People all around me, leaving, going away. It's the whole, melancholic going away syndrom all over again.

But I guess it's getting better though, as I zoom back into my own life and the direction it's going, I get a little worried, and start tuning in again.

These few weeks, I've been so consumed in the events leading up to the departure of two people who have, through time, become two of the most important people in my life.

I guess life is about being selfish and working hard only for yourself. Not for anyone else. For work, for school, for goals, for their dreams, people will leave you. For you are less important than themselves. But of course! Who are you but someone else?

But then again you cant blame anyone for that. I know I'd do the same. But in any case, it is saddening.

I am sad.