i cry

I sat on the carpet today, and I cried.
Everyone has their insecurities right?
Everyone has a right to their past, right?

A past of passion, a past of love, of cherish, of faith and hope? Hope of the future that they've always dreamed of, right?

There was so much there, in the past, so much love. I dont know whether I am crying for the love that he couldnt have with her, or the love that I will never be able to replace.

It was wrong of me, I know, to have taken a look into his past. And now my eyes have widened, to see so many things that were hers, and now, being given to me.

Am I second best? Or am I the new first? I know, it's not a competition, it's not a game, but I dont think I can share. What's worse than physical torture is the type that eats into your mind, your heart.

Is it rediculous - yes. But it's there, it's real, my pain is real, please believe me, please, please dont cast it away. I can feel it, eating at my heart, penetrating into my soul. It hurts.

Am I being selfish? I dont doubt his love for me, I doubt the un-love for her. Love cannot be undone.

I'm trying to see, I'm trying to make it feel different, I really am. We all have our past, loves and hopes that have been crushed, that didnt work, and we move on, can we ever really move on? Can we ever really forget?

I'm trying to think of me, of my past, but I can think of nothing. It's no longer there, the feelings that I've had before, they no longer exist. I cant pull them out, my love for him is so intense, it overrules the past.

My only hope is that he feels the same. That a love he wanted so much in the past is no longer there.

But his heavy sigh, it makes me fear. The images, the words, they line his heart, they line his life. They linger in the room. The place outside his heart where I lay my head.