Tuesday, February 27, 2007

My All

People sacrifice everything they have all the time, it's no big deal. Why do people ask me why? Why can they not understand that money...things, mean nothing. If they are lost or used or given away...who cares. These things will come again, you can earn it back again. But memories , feelings, care, people, life...once they are gone, they're gone, it'll never be the same again.

I have faith that things will work out for me. Perhaps not now, perhaps not even in the near future, but soon. I have given out alot of what I have...my heart and soul, my money and future. But I believe that the things that I have done, I did them with a great intentions, and that's what counts, I guess...

It's not an easy thing to do, I can easily say. I am human, and everyone and everything around me is so materialistic. I try, sometimes I fail myself. I guess it's a test for me, perhaps a test I am putting myself through.

I could have so much more, I could be so much more, but it's okay, there is a right time for all of those selfish desires, for now, everything goes to other's selfish desires. One day they will understand, and if for some reason, they never realise. It's okay. I will walk away, with a smile, for I have given my all, and all you did was watch me in my pain and suffering, watched my frail attempts to smile for you, so that you may be happy.

I will walk away satisfied, knowing I gave you everything that I have, everything. And all I needed in return, was the time of day.


Monday, February 12, 2007

What Now?

I have never felt this way before, this undenyable sense of self doubt, this overwhelming feeling of complete lack of self confidence.

I have always thought I had the answer to everything, that I could solve any problem. I have never thought that I could not do anything.

But now, I feel helpless, hopeless, that I cannot, that I cant, that I am unable. I feel so small and ignorant.

This unheartening feeling twisting inside. What I want, I dont know, what I need I cannot say. It's something that I never thought I would be without.

I use to feel tall, I use to feel strong, I use to know somewhere inside what I wanted, what I needed. But now, I know I want and I know I need, but what, I cannot perceive.

So many things I blow out of poportion, is it over analysing a situation or is that how I feel. If it is what I feel, is that wrong?Are feelings wrong. Is it my fault that I feel the way that I do about something? Anything? Can I control my feelings towards something. And if I can, should I control my feelings.

Inhibiting yourself to feel is one thing. Inhibiting yourself to act on that feeling is another. It is an already known fact that you can control your reaction to a feeling, but can you control your feelings? Can one control the way that they feel, the feeling that they get inside. The pain,the joy, the intensity of situations?

I just want to be a little girl...I just want to live, I dont want to wonder or ponder or anticipate or reciprocate. I want to fly, until I want to land, and I want to run until I want to stop.