Saturday, January 31, 2009

Over and Out

The past few months have been very shaky for me. Things that should have ended did not end because there was a twist in the plot. I am learning, and I am growing strong. Sooner or later I have to pick myself up and go on with life. With or without the things that I do or do not want.

I think I might have lost myself these past few years, or perhaps I was always lost and am still looking for the way, you know, the path.

I still don't know which way I'm headed but I know it's not backwards. I have spent much too much time back there. But there will be no more of that crap. I have ex's and ex ex ex ex's looking for me and suddenly coming out of nowhere. It's like I send out this vibe every time I'm single again. And suddenly there are calls, and invitations, people that I thought I would never see again, they suddenly pop up out of nowhere. It's like dude, I just broke up! And yes, I was in a relationship that I will always value, it's not just going to disappear, because to me, it was real. It was my commitment, which was pried out from under me.

But that's not the point, the point is, that it's so weird that people that I haven't heard from for ages and ages pop up, like now. And the worst thing is they're like, oh remember this and that, and us and etc, and I'm like um, wait, I have actually archived this, and I have to pull it back out...

And then I try to remember and then it's like digging myself an emotional hell hole. Sheish, I'm vulnerable right now! Leave me alone...sheish.

OR maybe it's just coz it's Chinese New Year, and that's what people do is call up other people and catch up and I'm just over thinking the whole situation.

Probably the latter. Anyhow, I had a few calls from a number of people who have once made me cry. It's actually significant despite the fact that I'm like the crying equivalent of a really rainy season.

So anyway the point of this message, mostly to myself is that, yes, I am by myself. And it's cool. I'm done with sacrificing who I am for people who just down right don't appreciate me.

Which comes back to ALL of the things that I have always written about. Is finding that person who will appreciate who I am, and I have added another thing, is that he must be able to trust in me. Trustworthy, is a given, you got to be that.

If you deserve to be loved by me, then I will love you. That's the simple theory. Why should I love you? Why should I even think twice about you? Why should I give my heart to you?

The answer to these questions is, you should love me because I deserve to be loved, because I love you, more than anything, I love the mere thought of being with you for the rest of my life, the thought of spending every last minute with you - just because...

So just to go back through the last(previous) chapter of my life. I should have known that this was going to happen. I was trying so hard to keep things going and it was so hard for me. There was a total communication breakdown, and you know how when you know a person for a long time, you can kind of feel the love. Well I don't think that was there, you know, it wasn't like it was before. It could only be detectable to me, every other person, including himself would have never noticed. It was the slightest change. And me being the stupid optimist, being the all trusting, loving girlfriend was swallowing everything there was to swallow, crying every night because there was a change, and I felt it, but I refused to believe it.

And in the end, it shot me down.

I guess in the end, he just wasn't that into me anymore. And all the yeah, of course I love you, was kind of something that needed to be spoken out loud because neither of us actually believed it. And my justification is that there wasn't even an attempt to rectify the situation. I guess there just wasn't enough love, that perhaps he had given up on me you know. And there is nothing I can do about that. Your love for me is not something that I can produce - unfortunately.

And well, none of this really matters anymore.

I have moved on. There is nothing more. And I'm cool with that.

So what is my next step you ask?

Tons! Life is getting exciting! I can just feel good stuff coming up! I'm not one to plan the details of the life ahead of me. Just a general direction. And besides, as I said many many years ago, last minute decisions beats canceled plans - anytime!

So all's well that ends well. What do ya think?