Thinking Again

Merry Christmas! I had a 6 day long holiday...it's been great. I got to spend alot of time with people I love. There were fights, but that's usual.

I did alot of thinking about trust. You never know about another person, you will never know. People are naturally secretive. Sometimes people have whole second families. I have personally watched my long time friends go thru this. I dont agree with it at all, I wont judge them, but it scares the shites out of me when it comes to my own relationship.

The trustworthiest of people sometimes are the very ones that indulge in this.

I am very concerned about other women, I am scared that I may not be good enough, that I might be so annoying sometimes that one may have to go out looking for a way out - someone
else. To flirt with, to mess around with, just for then, if they turn out better, then it's 'be gone' to me.

I put alot into my relationships. Perhaps it's too much sometimes. I give up everything that I have and that I ever wanted, for something above that. Something that's supposed to last forever.

I realise that my insecurity has something to do with myself, and my ability to trust another person, yet on the other hand, they say that a person has to earn another's trust. Many a time I have felt that another person doesn't trust me, not becuase they are bad people and they should trust me but dont, but becuase I have not earned their trust. Because at one point or another, I have shattered the trust, and it has to be built up again.

Why when it comes to me trusting other people, it's always that I just have to trust more.
There's something wrong with me, I'm not trusting enough. How come when it's my turn to trust, there's no building involved. It's like just trust me or f*ck off.

I guess the point of the matter is that I believe that it's true, trust has to be earned. And when you mess up, you just have to expect that the trust that was given to you once, has to be rebuilt.

There's really not much point in talking about it really...trust is a feeling that's just there. You either feel great and trusting, or you feel like shit and insecure.

I guess I'm a little distraught about the fact that some people want to share their life with
another person, yet, keep themselves closed. They dont share. They just want you to share.

You give so much and they just sit there, absorbing, sucking up your inspiration, your optimism, your youth. And in return, you get neglectance, total disregard sometimes, of even your very presence.

Sometimes I cant understand why two people who are supposed to be sharing their lives
together, cant mention or talk about other friends, or anything else in their lives. If there is nothing to hide, why hide? I dont want to pry into details and secrets, but I dont want regular things to be hidden from me, if they are, as said - regular.

There are so many things I want to say, so many things that I am now so afraid of. There are so many questions that I want to ask but am afraid. I have so many doubts that I am just going to sweep under the rug. I am going to pretend to trust even if the trust level is at the bottom line. Perhaps if I pretend, one day I'll really believe it.

If a person really loves another person, I believe that they'll understand the hurt caused by them, and if they truely truely love a person,they will know, they'll feel it. There's nothing left, but me telling myself that I should go on, despite that every cell in the mind, body and soul says no.

I need more security. I guess it's the little things that makes things real. If you love me, show it. Dont say it, and then just leave it as that. There are things that women need. Like attention, care - care meaning care about little things just as much as big things.

I think men dont understand that. Once they got the girl, they stray away, and expect the lady to just be there and take all of the neglectance, they give up their lifestyle to suit their man, yet it's never appreciated.

Alot of women would argue with me over giving up their lifestyle for a man. It's a feminist thing, about how women shouldnt have to give up who they are, just for a man.

For me, it's not about giving up something, it's about giving. That's it, giving. I will give everything to my man, but I need him to realise that I am, and appreciate that, from the bottom of his heart.

I need him to embrace it, and not take advantage of it.