The time has finally come to take a step forward. I have put alot of time and effort into mourning and trying to justify the events that took place over 8 months ago. The intensity of it's effects upon my soul has once again brought it into a state of dullness.
The advancement in my career that has come as a by product of such events can and will never stand justification for the sorrow, nothing on the earth can substitute nor recover the loss of faith in the flesh and blood of the ever loathed illusion of the word "Love".
As I grow through my path, I find myself lost for words, as a child lost, I cannot regain the slightest fragment of existance.
But I have come to accept what was not mine to begin with.
I have a wonderful life, and to the fullest I will live it.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Saturday and Sunday
It's good to have my legs back, although I still cant really run. I actually havent tried to run, I'm just trying to take it easy. Saturday I went with the guys to the beach, at first we went to the dock to do some fishing, it was really really boring, I was really tired too but you cant just not go. It's a team thing. Anyways after that, everyone went to the beach, set fire to an uprooted tree, it was really nice, there was a nice sea breeze, got to hang out the the boys, got to see them do boy things.
They caught a shark! It was a small one, maybe a yard, it was awesome. Then they whacked it around a little, whacked peoples butts with it, boys will be boys ya know. It was very funny.
Sometimes it's really boring to sit there and talk boy stuff, they talk about sports that I'm not really into, cars that I'm not really into, you know, stuff like that which makes it hard. It's hard for me to just listen all the time.
Maybe I'm just a real bitch...:P
They caught a shark! It was a small one, maybe a yard, it was awesome. Then they whacked it around a little, whacked peoples butts with it, boys will be boys ya know. It was very funny.
Sometimes it's really boring to sit there and talk boy stuff, they talk about sports that I'm not really into, cars that I'm not really into, you know, stuff like that which makes it hard. It's hard for me to just listen all the time.
Maybe I'm just a real bitch...:P
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Over and Out
The past few months have been very shaky for me. Things that should have ended did not end because there was a twist in the plot. I am learning, and I am growing strong. Sooner or later I have to pick myself up and go on with life. With or without the things that I do or do not want.
I think I might have lost myself these past few years, or perhaps I was always lost and am still looking for the way, you know, the path.
I still don't know which way I'm headed but I know it's not backwards. I have spent much too much time back there. But there will be no more of that crap. I have ex's and ex ex ex ex's looking for me and suddenly coming out of nowhere. It's like I send out this vibe every time I'm single again. And suddenly there are calls, and invitations, people that I thought I would never see again, they suddenly pop up out of nowhere. It's like dude, I just broke up! And yes, I was in a relationship that I will always value, it's not just going to disappear, because to me, it was real. It was my commitment, which was pried out from under me.
But that's not the point, the point is, that it's so weird that people that I haven't heard from for ages and ages pop up, like now. And the worst thing is they're like, oh remember this and that, and us and etc, and I'm like um, wait, I have actually archived this, and I have to pull it back out...
And then I try to remember and then it's like digging myself an emotional hell hole. Sheish, I'm vulnerable right now! Leave me alone...sheish.
OR maybe it's just coz it's Chinese New Year, and that's what people do is call up other people and catch up and I'm just over thinking the whole situation.
Probably the latter. Anyhow, I had a few calls from a number of people who have once made me cry. It's actually significant despite the fact that I'm like the crying equivalent of a really rainy season.
So anyway the point of this message, mostly to myself is that, yes, I am by myself. And it's cool. I'm done with sacrificing who I am for people who just down right don't appreciate me.
Which comes back to ALL of the things that I have always written about. Is finding that person who will appreciate who I am, and I have added another thing, is that he must be able to trust in me. Trustworthy, is a given, you got to be that.
If you deserve to be loved by me, then I will love you. That's the simple theory. Why should I love you? Why should I even think twice about you? Why should I give my heart to you?
The answer to these questions is, you should love me because I deserve to be loved, because I love you, more than anything, I love the mere thought of being with you for the rest of my life, the thought of spending every last minute with you - just because...
So just to go back through the last(previous) chapter of my life. I should have known that this was going to happen. I was trying so hard to keep things going and it was so hard for me. There was a total communication breakdown, and you know how when you know a person for a long time, you can kind of feel the love. Well I don't think that was there, you know, it wasn't like it was before. It could only be detectable to me, every other person, including himself would have never noticed. It was the slightest change. And me being the stupid optimist, being the all trusting, loving girlfriend was swallowing everything there was to swallow, crying every night because there was a change, and I felt it, but I refused to believe it.
And in the end, it shot me down.
I guess in the end, he just wasn't that into me anymore. And all the yeah, of course I love you, was kind of something that needed to be spoken out loud because neither of us actually believed it. And my justification is that there wasn't even an attempt to rectify the situation. I guess there just wasn't enough love, that perhaps he had given up on me you know. And there is nothing I can do about that. Your love for me is not something that I can produce - unfortunately.
And well, none of this really matters anymore.
I have moved on. There is nothing more. And I'm cool with that.
So what is my next step you ask?
Tons! Life is getting exciting! I can just feel good stuff coming up! I'm not one to plan the details of the life ahead of me. Just a general direction. And besides, as I said many many years ago, last minute decisions beats canceled plans - anytime!
So all's well that ends well. What do ya think?
I think I might have lost myself these past few years, or perhaps I was always lost and am still looking for the way, you know, the path.
I still don't know which way I'm headed but I know it's not backwards. I have spent much too much time back there. But there will be no more of that crap. I have ex's and ex ex ex ex's looking for me and suddenly coming out of nowhere. It's like I send out this vibe every time I'm single again. And suddenly there are calls, and invitations, people that I thought I would never see again, they suddenly pop up out of nowhere. It's like dude, I just broke up! And yes, I was in a relationship that I will always value, it's not just going to disappear, because to me, it was real. It was my commitment, which was pried out from under me.
But that's not the point, the point is, that it's so weird that people that I haven't heard from for ages and ages pop up, like now. And the worst thing is they're like, oh remember this and that, and us and etc, and I'm like um, wait, I have actually archived this, and I have to pull it back out...
And then I try to remember and then it's like digging myself an emotional hell hole. Sheish, I'm vulnerable right now! Leave me alone...sheish.
OR maybe it's just coz it's Chinese New Year, and that's what people do is call up other people and catch up and I'm just over thinking the whole situation.
Probably the latter. Anyhow, I had a few calls from a number of people who have once made me cry. It's actually significant despite the fact that I'm like the crying equivalent of a really rainy season.
So anyway the point of this message, mostly to myself is that, yes, I am by myself. And it's cool. I'm done with sacrificing who I am for people who just down right don't appreciate me.
Which comes back to ALL of the things that I have always written about. Is finding that person who will appreciate who I am, and I have added another thing, is that he must be able to trust in me. Trustworthy, is a given, you got to be that.
If you deserve to be loved by me, then I will love you. That's the simple theory. Why should I love you? Why should I even think twice about you? Why should I give my heart to you?
The answer to these questions is, you should love me because I deserve to be loved, because I love you, more than anything, I love the mere thought of being with you for the rest of my life, the thought of spending every last minute with you - just because...
So just to go back through the last(previous) chapter of my life. I should have known that this was going to happen. I was trying so hard to keep things going and it was so hard for me. There was a total communication breakdown, and you know how when you know a person for a long time, you can kind of feel the love. Well I don't think that was there, you know, it wasn't like it was before. It could only be detectable to me, every other person, including himself would have never noticed. It was the slightest change. And me being the stupid optimist, being the all trusting, loving girlfriend was swallowing everything there was to swallow, crying every night because there was a change, and I felt it, but I refused to believe it.
And in the end, it shot me down.
I guess in the end, he just wasn't that into me anymore. And all the yeah, of course I love you, was kind of something that needed to be spoken out loud because neither of us actually believed it. And my justification is that there wasn't even an attempt to rectify the situation. I guess there just wasn't enough love, that perhaps he had given up on me you know. And there is nothing I can do about that. Your love for me is not something that I can produce - unfortunately.
And well, none of this really matters anymore.
I have moved on. There is nothing more. And I'm cool with that.
So what is my next step you ask?
Tons! Life is getting exciting! I can just feel good stuff coming up! I'm not one to plan the details of the life ahead of me. Just a general direction. And besides, as I said many many years ago, last minute decisions beats canceled plans - anytime!
So all's well that ends well. What do ya think?
Friday, December 05, 2008
Casted
They plaster casted me today. A full cast. They took off my back slab, and first thing I said was, may I please please give it a good wash before you even come near. It was really gross, and that was only for a week.
This plaster cast will also only stay on for about a week so that the swelling can go down, and then a fibre glass cast will be put in for another few weeks.
It doesnt hurt that much, sometimes it just feels like it's going to explode, especially when it goes from it's elevated position into my standing position. The blood just rushes to the fracture, or whereever and hurts like mad.
Horrible throbbing in the mornings, and yeah, my foot too.
Anyways it's all good. I'm back at work, and we'll see what happens after that.
This plaster cast will also only stay on for about a week so that the swelling can go down, and then a fibre glass cast will be put in for another few weeks.
It doesnt hurt that much, sometimes it just feels like it's going to explode, especially when it goes from it's elevated position into my standing position. The blood just rushes to the fracture, or whereever and hurts like mad.
Horrible throbbing in the mornings, and yeah, my foot too.
Anyways it's all good. I'm back at work, and we'll see what happens after that.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Broken Ankle
Yup! I'm broken. Went skateboarding on the 27th November 2008. Obviously fell. My ankle went 90 degrees the wrong way. But it felt like just another basketball injury, you know must have twisted it or something. Besides I walked all the way back to the ute.
Anyways spent the night, with Panadol, ice and elevated foot. And the next morning, throbbing, but with panadol and a subsequent 10 mins, all is good. I went into the hospital just to make sure that that it wasnt broken.
I asked the doctor and nurse on duty and asked whether they thought it was broken and the answer was na, shouldnt be broken coz if it were, it would be unbearable pain, so much so that you wouldnt be able to walk on it.
But X-rays were done and lo and behold! Fracture!~
And so I asked the doctor, what is the difference between fracture and broken? He says "nothing" fracture is a scientific word for broken. Anyways 6-8 weeks of cast and crutches for me. I cant wait.
I've always wanted a cast, since I was a little kid. It always feels so special and people will sign it and you can sit and read it all day. Lovely.
Went to the refinery's first aid and Dr. Joe says that it's fine to go back into the refinery, just that I have to do a risk assessment.
And so me being me, I had to ask him, what is the difference between fracture and broken? He cracked up laughing and said "nothing". "I've been trying to argue that with people for 30 years. But there is no difference between fracture and broken of a bone. There's single fracture, and multiple fracture and fracture with displacement and fracture without displacement, but there is no difference between fracture and broken.
But he did tell me that what people in the non-scientific world percieve to be a fracture is that there is a crack in the bone that doesnt go all the way through to produce "two bits". And broken means it has become two bits. That's hilarious!
Anyways verdict is still to come on whether I will be sent home or not.
Anyways spent the night, with Panadol, ice and elevated foot. And the next morning, throbbing, but with panadol and a subsequent 10 mins, all is good. I went into the hospital just to make sure that that it wasnt broken.
I asked the doctor and nurse on duty and asked whether they thought it was broken and the answer was na, shouldnt be broken coz if it were, it would be unbearable pain, so much so that you wouldnt be able to walk on it.
But X-rays were done and lo and behold! Fracture!~
And so I asked the doctor, what is the difference between fracture and broken? He says "nothing" fracture is a scientific word for broken. Anyways 6-8 weeks of cast and crutches for me. I cant wait.
I've always wanted a cast, since I was a little kid. It always feels so special and people will sign it and you can sit and read it all day. Lovely.
Went to the refinery's first aid and Dr. Joe says that it's fine to go back into the refinery, just that I have to do a risk assessment.
And so me being me, I had to ask him, what is the difference between fracture and broken? He cracked up laughing and said "nothing". "I've been trying to argue that with people for 30 years. But there is no difference between fracture and broken of a bone. There's single fracture, and multiple fracture and fracture with displacement and fracture without displacement, but there is no difference between fracture and broken.
But he did tell me that what people in the non-scientific world percieve to be a fracture is that there is a crack in the bone that doesnt go all the way through to produce "two bits". And broken means it has become two bits. That's hilarious!
Anyways verdict is still to come on whether I will be sent home or not.
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