Excerpts Of A Daily Life

Can you imagine the sun, penetrating into the pink orange sky it creates, a harsh force of wind, pounding in the trees. The deer running with all it's might. Can you feel the explosion of rain onto your face, your mouth and your hair.

A smooth caress onto my skin. Clutched together in warmth a thick eagerness can be felt emerging. A heart so tender in the dawn, a body so light. There's nothing better than the exchange of an ever sacred passion before the day ahead.

A million kisses to the scent of a rose, the seduction of a warm breath, pleading for a slight caress. Araging flame searching for a calm. Intensity surges as want becomes need. If more was a cloud we'd pass thru to see our heavens. The high of our lives would be in the togetherness apart.

I wonder as I stare into the starless sky, filled with haze and gloom, that where you are, it's clear, and you can see wach and every little sparkle, counting the joys in your life. If there were a star, I'd wish upon a love to cherish. My one true love, for all the children in the world, and for me. I try to grasp the life flowing from the mending hole in my heart. To release my sheild, vulnerable, my fear is that my love is not enough, insufficient for those who need more than I can give.

In the coldest night, would you hold me in your arms and not let me go? We'd be as one in the light, swaying moments. For a second it'd be still, there'd be a oneness. A slow caress to sooth the aching soul. Longing for more...sensing a stinging desire.

Moonlit Verandah

The moon stared at me last night, it showed it's light upon my life. I looked up into it's face and I felt it. I felt it's rays from my heart. I felt that inspiration sprouting from my veins. I wanted to run into a great abyss and stare. I could almost feel it's warm embrace.

I dont know what to say.

How does one respond to a heart that touches the depth of the soul? It searches for an answer that cannot be found. It yearns for the missing caress. One that will never be reached. How tragic of life to finally find what it's always been longing for. After all this time. After so much that cannot be changed, that may not want to be changed. Are we destined to be without? Are we destined to watch our dreams pass by while our choices area lived?

Perhaps it's an illusion that fades with the color it brings. The ease of it's comfort just as the ease of it's pain.

What ever happened to the love that we made, the ones that we created? They are there to remind us of what we once held, together. How could it ever be that it floated away. Where did it go? Will we ever find it again?

Why is it that we cannot find the answer to our moving desires, the wind that twirls, the air that chokes when we sit alone, searching, telling the stories that abandons our fear.

The World of Hope

The time has finally come to take a step forward. I have put alot of time and effort into mourning and trying to justify the events that took place over 8 months ago. The intensity of it's effects upon my soul has once again brought it into a state of dullness.

The advancement in my career that has come as a by product of such events can and will never stand justification for the sorrow, nothing on the earth can substitute nor recover the loss of faith in the flesh and blood of the ever loathed illusion of the word "Love".

As I grow through my path, I find myself lost for words, as a child lost, I cannot regain the slightest fragment of existance.

But I have come to accept what was not mine to begin with.

I have a wonderful life, and to the fullest I will live it.

Saturday and Sunday

It's good to have my legs back, although I still cant really run. I actually havent tried to run, I'm just trying to take it easy. Saturday I went with the guys to the beach, at first we went to the dock to do some fishing, it was really really boring, I was really tired too but you cant just not go. It's a team thing. Anyways after that, everyone went to the beach, set fire to an uprooted tree, it was really nice, there was a nice sea breeze, got to hang out the the boys, got to see them do boy things.

They caught a shark! It was a small one, maybe a yard, it was awesome. Then they whacked it around a little, whacked peoples butts with it, boys will be boys ya know. It was very funny.

Sometimes it's really boring to sit there and talk boy stuff, they talk about sports that I'm not really into, cars that I'm not really into, you know, stuff like that which makes it hard. It's hard for me to just listen all the time.

Maybe I'm just a real bitch...:P

Over and Out

The past few months have been very shaky for me. Things that should have ended did not end because there was a twist in the plot. I am learning, and I am growing strong. Sooner or later I have to pick myself up and go on with life. With or without the things that I do or do not want.

I think I might have lost myself these past few years, or perhaps I was always lost and am still looking for the way, you know, the path.

I still don't know which way I'm headed but I know it's not backwards. I have spent much too much time back there. But there will be no more of that crap. I have ex's and ex ex ex ex's looking for me and suddenly coming out of nowhere. It's like I send out this vibe every time I'm single again. And suddenly there are calls, and invitations, people that I thought I would never see again, they suddenly pop up out of nowhere. It's like dude, I just broke up! And yes, I was in a relationship that I will always value, it's not just going to disappear, because to me, it was real. It was my commitment, which was pried out from under me.

But that's not the point, the point is, that it's so weird that people that I haven't heard from for ages and ages pop up, like now. And the worst thing is they're like, oh remember this and that, and us and etc, and I'm like um, wait, I have actually archived this, and I have to pull it back out...

And then I try to remember and then it's like digging myself an emotional hell hole. Sheish, I'm vulnerable right now! Leave me alone...sheish.

OR maybe it's just coz it's Chinese New Year, and that's what people do is call up other people and catch up and I'm just over thinking the whole situation.

Probably the latter. Anyhow, I had a few calls from a number of people who have once made me cry. It's actually significant despite the fact that I'm like the crying equivalent of a really rainy season.

So anyway the point of this message, mostly to myself is that, yes, I am by myself. And it's cool. I'm done with sacrificing who I am for people who just down right don't appreciate me.

Which comes back to ALL of the things that I have always written about. Is finding that person who will appreciate who I am, and I have added another thing, is that he must be able to trust in me. Trustworthy, is a given, you got to be that.

If you deserve to be loved by me, then I will love you. That's the simple theory. Why should I love you? Why should I even think twice about you? Why should I give my heart to you?

The answer to these questions is, you should love me because I deserve to be loved, because I love you, more than anything, I love the mere thought of being with you for the rest of my life, the thought of spending every last minute with you - just because...

So just to go back through the last(previous) chapter of my life. I should have known that this was going to happen. I was trying so hard to keep things going and it was so hard for me. There was a total communication breakdown, and you know how when you know a person for a long time, you can kind of feel the love. Well I don't think that was there, you know, it wasn't like it was before. It could only be detectable to me, every other person, including himself would have never noticed. It was the slightest change. And me being the stupid optimist, being the all trusting, loving girlfriend was swallowing everything there was to swallow, crying every night because there was a change, and I felt it, but I refused to believe it.

And in the end, it shot me down.

I guess in the end, he just wasn't that into me anymore. And all the yeah, of course I love you, was kind of something that needed to be spoken out loud because neither of us actually believed it. And my justification is that there wasn't even an attempt to rectify the situation. I guess there just wasn't enough love, that perhaps he had given up on me you know. And there is nothing I can do about that. Your love for me is not something that I can produce - unfortunately.

And well, none of this really matters anymore.

I have moved on. There is nothing more. And I'm cool with that.

So what is my next step you ask?

Tons! Life is getting exciting! I can just feel good stuff coming up! I'm not one to plan the details of the life ahead of me. Just a general direction. And besides, as I said many many years ago, last minute decisions beats canceled plans - anytime!

So all's well that ends well. What do ya think?