The Difference

When we finally let go is when we realise that we were only holding each other down. There was never a chance and it never was to be, from the start. It was always unfair. To you, to me.                          

But we have the chance now. Let the hurt drown out sorrow. Theres a dull in your voice when you speak words you dont believe in anymore.

Perhaps I no longer see a path. Fight or flight. I dont think i have ever been a fighter.

It will never be the same again. When its over, it will be different, but its ok, you'll never notice its gone.

Truth

As they sail thru the pink of sky, it was fate their souls would drift away.

The last of strands to break away, has shut the love they never had.
                               
Perhaps its time to say goodbye. It was never wise to stay.                  
                                               
Smiles will never speak the heart again. Words will never touch.

And  I will never search for it again.

Always and Forever

A promise for always and forever. And so did it change the way your heart loves? Did it erase our fears and heartbreak? We rolled on a coat of paint and all the mess is covered. Sometimes it chews thru the tint. We stare at it with awe. Our blemishes will never fade. Our love will never change. It will be, always and forever. All the promises we never made, the hurt we thrust away, they will always be there. Under the color they call art. It's not over, the traces of our scent will linger. One day, we will be together, our hearts promised stronger than our words ever did.

Forever And Again

If ever there were a time to believe, the time would be now. Never has there been a better time.

Sometimes life forces you to determine the truth from those things we thought to have been true.

Some things that could never be, never turn around and be what we wanted them to be.

But how can happiness, how can everything emit from a singular source? It cannot. How can a person's life be fulfilled with a singular point of happiness? It can't.

To live, we must be able to accept that things that make us happy are abundant, and engulfing.

We can have whatever we want. We can do what ever we want to do, we can love each other with the whole of hearts. What we cannot do, is be unfair.

When we know this, we find what people really wanted, how selfish we can be in the depth of love, and in the thought of friendship.

We make into ourselves what we ought not be. We punish ourselves in thinking that we are unable to accept or deal with the circumstances.We mould others to fit into our thoughts, to justify what we cannot accept.We need to appreciate what we have and what we could have, if only we were not so selfish.

There are only a few rules in this life.

Love with the whole of your heart, always and forever.

Find out what exactly it is that you want, and live and dream and breathe it, until you are happy.

Black Dog

The pace, so much depended on it, such conviction, such strength.
Calls resound, through the coldness. wooded world…wanting.
The distance is nearer, the padded steps are heard in their canter.
His chest burns.
Such hinder the path, is there no end.
Quickening, as they close……tired, hollow………….spent.
Their breaths upon me now, the snarls at the shoulder.
What can be done against so much sincerity.
To do against the intent, so wilful, so purposeful……destructive.
He drops his necessities, the warmth, the memories, can it, is it possible to push a last.
They upon him now, the whiteness of calcium rips at the flesh.
No more can he run, his legs failing him to the beasts for their devouring.
He yields
KG

Knowledge

I knew one day I'd have to bear the the truth I knew you'd voice. I gave you no reason to stay, no hope to hold. It flickers you know, the hope I held so close, so masked, so drowned. But now I know, there is a light, still there in my heart. Because of how it burned my blood, and bore a weight that would not lift. I learn of hate. Of you? Of me? Of it perhaps. I try to run, and bury it all, paint it, but it slithers its way back. And now more than ever, I wish it was never there.  How do I surpass this? How can I overlook it? I'm sorry.

Matters

Theres a silence staring at the ceiling. Lights gone dim. 

Was there an awkwardness, or did it just not feel the same.

Did we imagine our love away? 

We knew this would happen. A figment of an imagination that surpassed reality. 

An exhalation and finally, a realization, and then it's all okay.

Nothing really matters in the end. So everything in the interim, the love, the pain, the fake smiles and laughs. 

Nothing really matters.

Intimate of Souls

The strands of time unravelled, and we found ourselves lost, for so long it wavered in the restless wind in a silent darkness no one heard. 

We searched and searched but it could  not be seen, it's scent so faint, caressed the soul. We knew it was there, waved our arms and wailed a silent, bitter nothingness.

But somehow, we found each other again, our thoughts collide, just as a mountain top water drop forms the wildest rush of waves.

We swivel here and there, with nowhere to go, chained to ourselves just as we're free to our chains.

We risk our risks and prepare to fall. 

Are You Scared?

Does it scare you, this love that might have been and perhaps even was?

This past we shared before and cherish now, the pain of the things we made and lost?

The time that which has lapsed, it has paled the shade of black our white became. And when we meet again, I'm sure, our hearts will mend and fuse again. It will be whole again for us to break.

Does it scare you, the word of worlds, a love?

Emotions

And why do we have this burning desire, to lay our eyes, our hearts, the nakedness of our thoughts upon the bare wholeness in the depth of each others reach.

And why do the words we have spoken, caress our minds, with such soft embrace, they twirl and taint and hold and touch.

And yet with an instant, a thrust and throttle of a fierceness from some force of evil irrationalization we cannot find. A thunderous roar of strength and urge, and soar and tear, to grasp, and clutch and clasp to win. But no, don't stop! For all these fears from heart to mind, cannot bear to lose it all with end. 

So with it all, inside with warmth, a stillness that holds what we were as one, at least for a little moment in time. 

Reflections and Projections

Another reflection, or shall I say, another projection?

I don't want what I had before, I don't crave for those things that I do not have anymore. 

I want new things, I want better things. 

If those things are not available to me, then I want for nothing. 

Why should I pine away for those things in the past? For they, very obviously, were no good at all. And as we selectively remember only the good things about the people in the past, I never for a minute wish to ever have it again. 

For with all that happiness came an immense pain, that only I suffered when my heart was ripped away, it was not worth it, it is not worth it.

But ask me if I wish I had him back, ask me of I ever wish it could have been, and the answer, my friends, is no. 

The One

I don't want to be the I-thought-she-was-the-one-but-I-was-wrong-I'm-certain-you're-the-one girl!!

I wanna be the I-am-certain-you-are-the-one-fullstop girl!!

Healing

Finding the time to heal, to concentrate on the things you have missed in your time of trial and tribulation. As I move on to the next stage of my life, I feel so decisive, so... Grown up. ZT asked me the other day; are we adults yet?

It sure seems like it. It hurts like it is.

So I suppose she's right, we're grown up. Trying to find our niche in the world. What is that one thing that is going to make you happy. It's the eternal question. And being human, it's probably to find that one person in your life that will make you smile and think, YUP, this is the life.

It's the missing link. So many people today, strive to achieve something in their lives with work and money and travels. But in the end, sad to say, it is empty alone.

I can just hear the echos shouting "I told you so" ringing in my mind.

But it will happen. I know it will. And with sheer anticipation, my dreams will come true.

Love Always Prevails

Judgement

There are so many things in life that are wrong, there are so many things in life that we know are wrong, and yet we get pulled into it, we try to make justifications for it, pretending that it isnt wrong, when it is.

If it is wrong, then it is wrong, and you are doing something wrong.

We all do wrong things, and the worst part is to pretend that it isnt wrong. There are times in our lives that we are going to continue to do wrong things, but in the end, when we reflect back, dont kid ourselves by saying that it wasnt wrong.

It is wrong and what was done was wrong. Wrong to me, wrong to you and wrong to the people you love. Was I wrong? Yes, I was. And so were you. You were wrong, you are wrong!

The best part about wrong things is that you always have a chance to make it right, but only if you can first identify that it was wrong.

I have this image of love, and life. I believe in love and I believe that two people should love each other and get married, and build a family.

I do not believe in building a family without a cemented vow and bond called marriage. I do not accept that people wrecklessly have sex and produce children and are not responisble for them and are not responsible to them. Responsible to your children means being responsible in a family relationship. Being responsible for your children means loving your wife!

People who make excuses about not able to be with the other parent but who have shared a love that has resulted in Children. This is irresponsible.

I cannot and do not accept this.

If you are pregnant, you get married, if you have children, and continue to have children, get married, I do not see how one can have such a relationship. Lying and cheating, making children here and there, not getting married, not vowing your life to another person, much less your children.

I cannot accept this.

I feel sorry for the children of the world who have to endure parents who cannot even pledge their love to each other yet can say that they love their children.

I feel hatred to men who can watch their women go thru childbirth yet have the indencency to go out and sleep with another woman, to lie and cheat, while their woman are nursing the children they say they love.

And I feel hatred for women who allow for this to happen. It is wrong. I accept that it is wrong. Lying and cheating are wrong. It is wrong for another woman to accept a man that cannot accept his responsibilities.

It has no justification, it makes no sense.

=..(

The beauty of a woman is in her smiles and laughter which melts your heart and rings in your ears even when she is not there. Perceive physical beauty is only skin deep and many times not enhance by smile. As age advances physical beauty fades and inner beauty if present shines forth.....
The beauty of a woman is in her care, her warm embrace, her unflinching love which will hold you in a way that no steel cage can.....

Orange Truck

Did I tell you that I was almost kidnapped by a strange man in an orange truck once?

I was roller skating (yes the one with the huge rubber thing on the front), and was about 8 or 9 and this man comes driving at the end of the driveway, and he says "little girl..." and I turned to see whether he was talking to me, and then he says "little girl...can you tell me what time it is?" and so I told him it was like 3 O'Clock or something, and then he says, "what? I cant really hear you, can you come closer?" I hesitate and think...oh no! I really shouldnt be talking to strangers!

Anyways, I go closer! Right up to his window, and he's got this really long, sort of bent thing in his hand, on his lap, and he's shaking it, it's sort of bouncing a little, like people who tap their heels on the floor, and their whole leg sort of moves up and down, anyways, it was that movement.

So, then he says, I saw you and your friends feeding the horses just now, and true enough, my gal friend, her younger brother and I take a shortcut after school through that little alley/passage way that goes past a wooden fence where the horses are, and we feed them and then climb the wall over to our little apartment/unit thingys.

He says, "Do you know what this is?" sort of eyeing this thing on his lap. and it was totally on his lap, almost reaching his knee. I shake my head and say "no". He said " Do you know what boy horses have and girl horses dont?" And I had no idea what he was talking about. So he continues " It's something that boy horses have and girl horses dont have, do you know what it is?" And then I got scared and skated away as fast as I could, strutted inside and locked the door.

=( Childhood Trauma...

From Audrey Hepburn by Barry Paris, 1996, Putnam

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

That's Right

Love is thinking about someone more times in a day than you think about yourself...

"It seems your friend is having a bit of trouble controlling his life, that's completely his own responsibility." MT

Tainted Expections?

I thought I had been through it all before, but I hadn't... There must be more, and I will learn expect it. 

It has been a long journey in search of what I really want in life. And as one of my exes predicted, one day I would yearn for it. One day I would be ready.

And I am, I'm ready now, more ready than ever. The things in my life are lined up, with allowances for the unexpected, which actually means that it is expected. 

With this in mind, I set out again, but now I know, I am certain of what I want and need in life.