Are we meant to walk the road that we walk today? Was it a wrong decision that brought us here? A spur of the moment choice that took us down this alley, where we see nothing but the dark mystic nothing before us.
The self expectation, the hope and dreams, where have they gone? It has been shadowed by this great darkness. A darkness that has fallen upon the path.
I have always taken the path that I fully believed in, no doubts. But now, this doubt is overwhelming. A complete depletion of the aspiration that I was filled, not so long ago.
I have lost vision of the bigger picture. Am I doing what I really want? Or am I just blindly following? I have never felt so helpless, and useless in my life.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
For God So Loved The World
1 John 4:19 We love Him, because He first loved us.
The Lord our Father loved us first. He didn't put in a clause that He'd love us only if we loved Him.
People in life ask, why should I love someone if they don't love me back? God showed us that we should love openly, without an objective, without prejudice.
1 John 4:8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
Why do we deprive the people in our lives of love. We are such mean people, we are stingy with our love. We keep it for ourselves, and sometimes we are so consumed that even to ourselves we have no love.
Why should we be such people, when God, who created us, is of pure love, what have we to lose? To love as He has loved us?
The Lord our Father loved us first. He didn't put in a clause that He'd love us only if we loved Him.
People in life ask, why should I love someone if they don't love me back? God showed us that we should love openly, without an objective, without prejudice.
1 John 4:8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
Why do we deprive the people in our lives of love. We are such mean people, we are stingy with our love. We keep it for ourselves, and sometimes we are so consumed that even to ourselves we have no love.
Why should we be such people, when God, who created us, is of pure love, what have we to lose? To love as He has loved us?
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Kenangan Terindah
Kenangan Terindah
(The Most Beautiful Memory)
Aku yang lemah tanpamu
(I am weak without you)
Aku yang rentan karena
(I have become vulnerable because)
Cinta yang tlah hilang darimu
(The love that was lost from you)
Yang mampu menyanjungku
(Could have lifted me)
Selama mata terbuka
(As long as eyes are open)
Sampai jantung tak berdetak
(Until the heart stops beating)
Selama itu pun
(For as long as that)
Aku mampu untuk mengenangmu
(I try to make you happy)
Darimu...
(From you)
Kutemukan hidupku
(I 've found my life)
Bagiku...
(To me)
Kau lah cinta sejati
(You are my one true love)
CHORUS:
Bila yang tertulis untukku
(When what was written for me)
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
(Becomes the best for you)
Kan kujadikan kau kenangan
(Then I'll remember you as)
Yang terindah dalam hidupku
(My life's sweetest memory)
Namun takkan mudah bagiku
(It's not easy for me)
Meninggalkan jejak hidupku
(To leave those footsteps in my life)
Yang tlah terukir abadi
(They were engraved permanently)
Sebagai kenangan yang terindah
(As the most beautiful memories in my life)
~Samsons~
Friday, November 09, 2007
Lost
So many thoughts as the rain pours heavily outside my window. The breeze is heavy, and holds many secrets.
I wonder to the walls. I wonder of the truth, of the true story behind the people we love most.
What is within, what runs through the mind in the early hours of the morning, in the heat of the afternoon. In moonlit veranda of the sea?
What goes on?
Are hearts ever synchronised? Is there ever a consummation?
I believe that I should move on. To find myself, the one that I momentarily lost to something I thought meant the world to me. Now, means nothing.
As I look deeper and deeper into it, I find nothing. I find that there is nothing there.
I have to look away, just for while, I need to find my path again. It has been lost.
I wonder to the walls. I wonder of the truth, of the true story behind the people we love most.
What is within, what runs through the mind in the early hours of the morning, in the heat of the afternoon. In moonlit veranda of the sea?
What goes on?
Are hearts ever synchronised? Is there ever a consummation?
I believe that I should move on. To find myself, the one that I momentarily lost to something I thought meant the world to me. Now, means nothing.
As I look deeper and deeper into it, I find nothing. I find that there is nothing there.
I have to look away, just for while, I need to find my path again. It has been lost.
Friday, November 02, 2007
When You're Gone
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
I never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
mMm
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
I never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
mMm
~A.Lavigne~
Thursday, October 18, 2007
While I Was Away
I talked to zt today, didnt realise how much better I would feel just talking openly to someone that I trust. I dont know why, she just seemed to know and listen and understand.
*sigh*
But I guess we all have our lives to live.
Well, I dont have much to say, alot of things happened, alot of people have been wrecklessly busting my phone with calls.
Acquaintances, friends getting married, guys I once dated, people I thought were friends who then turned into people who wanted more than friends, who proceeded to suddenly not be friends anymore just becuase they cant be more than that.
I dont know why, maybe it's the season.
There's like a season, where everyone who broke up in the beginning and middle of the year, and have just started getting back into the dating scene. And where guys just start to look back into their little black books.
Apparently, my number is in alot of people's little black books, and I'm not trying to boast or anything like that because belieeeve me! You dont want 3-4 year ago dates to call you again.
They call you and think that they can just pick up where they left off, thinking that just because I picked up the call, and wasnt rude, that I am the same person that I was back then- wrong!
There's a reason that we stopped talking to each other, there's a reason that it didnt really work out before, and I'll be damned that it should work now.
But there was one old friend, we got chatting online and decided to have a harmless dinner, just like the olden days. It was amazing how relaxed I felt. It's not like there was fireworks or anything like that. We use to be good friends, really good friends, we'd talk about everything under the sun, even about guys I was dating, classes, basketball, love, hate, dreams, everything. Unfortunately, when you talk to men about love and life, the word friends doesnt last that long, and in the olden days, it became that he wanted more, and I didnt feel the same way. And it was a horrible thing.
BUt now it's good between us. I've found a friend again. I'm just afraid that we'll tell each other all of our secrets, and then he'll want to be more than friends again, and then abandon me, again. Not in the romantic lovey dovey way, but in a sort of loyal friendship kind of way. But I get it, boys and girls can never be friends. It's just physically and mentally impossible.
It's either one person starts having romantic feelings for the other and never says a word about it, and continues being the friend. Or, one party speaks up, and the whole scenario is destroyed.
Anyways I dont think this finding an old friend thing is going to last long, but it's okay if it doesnt, at least I had a moment that brought me back memories.
*sigh*
But I guess we all have our lives to live.
Well, I dont have much to say, alot of things happened, alot of people have been wrecklessly busting my phone with calls.
Acquaintances, friends getting married, guys I once dated, people I thought were friends who then turned into people who wanted more than friends, who proceeded to suddenly not be friends anymore just becuase they cant be more than that.
I dont know why, maybe it's the season.
There's like a season, where everyone who broke up in the beginning and middle of the year, and have just started getting back into the dating scene. And where guys just start to look back into their little black books.
Apparently, my number is in alot of people's little black books, and I'm not trying to boast or anything like that because belieeeve me! You dont want 3-4 year ago dates to call you again.
They call you and think that they can just pick up where they left off, thinking that just because I picked up the call, and wasnt rude, that I am the same person that I was back then- wrong!
There's a reason that we stopped talking to each other, there's a reason that it didnt really work out before, and I'll be damned that it should work now.
But there was one old friend, we got chatting online and decided to have a harmless dinner, just like the olden days. It was amazing how relaxed I felt. It's not like there was fireworks or anything like that. We use to be good friends, really good friends, we'd talk about everything under the sun, even about guys I was dating, classes, basketball, love, hate, dreams, everything. Unfortunately, when you talk to men about love and life, the word friends doesnt last that long, and in the olden days, it became that he wanted more, and I didnt feel the same way. And it was a horrible thing.
BUt now it's good between us. I've found a friend again. I'm just afraid that we'll tell each other all of our secrets, and then he'll want to be more than friends again, and then abandon me, again. Not in the romantic lovey dovey way, but in a sort of loyal friendship kind of way. But I get it, boys and girls can never be friends. It's just physically and mentally impossible.
It's either one person starts having romantic feelings for the other and never says a word about it, and continues being the friend. Or, one party speaks up, and the whole scenario is destroyed.
Anyways I dont think this finding an old friend thing is going to last long, but it's okay if it doesnt, at least I had a moment that brought me back memories.
Monday, October 01, 2007
One Year and Countng
Another Night Another Dream
ooh.. ooh..
Another night another dream but always you
It's like a vision of love that seems to be true
Another night another dream but always you
In the night I dream of love so true
Just another night, another vision of love
You feel love you feel pain
cause nothing will be the same
Just another night is all that it takes
to understand the difference between lovers and fakes
So baby, I talk talk, I talk to you
In the night, in your dream of love so true
Baby, I talk talk, I talk to you
In the night, in your dream of love so true
In the night, in my dreams I'm in love with you
'cause you talk to me like lovers do
I feel dark, I feel pain 'cause it's still the same
When the night is gone I'll be alone
Another night another dream but always you
It's like a vision of love that seems to be true
Another night another dream but always you
In the night I dream of love so true
Just another night, another dream, another vision
of love with me, I'm here to set you free
I am your lover, your brother
hey sister let me cover
your body with my love is with my love and just another
vision of love that seems to be true
and we'll do all the things that only lovers do
a vision of love of love that seems to be true
and we'll do all the things that only lovers do
In the night, in my dreams I'm in love with you
'cause you talk to me like lovers do
I feel dark, I feel pain 'cause it's still the same
When the night is gone I'll be alone
Another night another dream but always you
It's like a vision of love that seems to be true
Another night another dream but always you
In the night I dream of love so true
I talk talk, I talk to you
In the night, in your dream of love so true
I talk talk, I talk to you
In the night, in your dream of love so true
In the night, in my dreams I'm in love with you
'cause you talk to me like lovers do
I feel dark, I feel pain 'cause it's still the same
When the night is gone I'll be alone
Another night another dream but always you
It's like a vision of love that seems to be true
Another night another dream but always you
In the night I dream of love so true
Another night another dream but always you
It's like a vision of love that seems to be true
Another night another dream but always you
In the night I dream of love so true
Just another night, another vision of love
You feel love you feel pain
cause nothing will be the same
Just another night is all that it takes
to understand the difference between lovers and fakes
So baby, I talk talk, I talk to you
In the night, in your dream of love so true
Baby, I talk talk, I talk to you
In the night, in your dream of love so true
In the night, in my dreams I'm in love with you
'cause you talk to me like lovers do
I feel dark, I feel pain 'cause it's still the same
When the night is gone I'll be alone
Another night another dream but always you
It's like a vision of love that seems to be true
Another night another dream but always you
In the night I dream of love so true
Just another night, another dream, another vision
of love with me, I'm here to set you free
I am your lover, your brother
hey sister let me cover
your body with my love is with my love and just another
vision of love that seems to be true
and we'll do all the things that only lovers do
a vision of love of love that seems to be true
and we'll do all the things that only lovers do
In the night, in my dreams I'm in love with you
'cause you talk to me like lovers do
I feel dark, I feel pain 'cause it's still the same
When the night is gone I'll be alone
Another night another dream but always you
It's like a vision of love that seems to be true
Another night another dream but always you
In the night I dream of love so true
I talk talk, I talk to you
In the night, in your dream of love so true
I talk talk, I talk to you
In the night, in your dream of love so true
In the night, in my dreams I'm in love with you
'cause you talk to me like lovers do
I feel dark, I feel pain 'cause it's still the same
When the night is gone I'll be alone
Another night another dream but always you
It's like a vision of love that seems to be true
Another night another dream but always you
In the night I dream of love so true
~La Bouche~
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Anniversary Of A Broken Nose
Last year today, at exactly the same time. I felt the exact way that I am feeling this morning.
Pain.
What a wonderful morning! I wake up to the reprimands from that whom I love most in the world. It's my fault - again.
Shit happened just a few hours before and I was in a horrible state of depression. Practically rubbed my eyes in, dug myself a hole swore to live in it for the rest of my days.
How is it possible that a person can hurt another person from miles and miles away? It's just so unfair. This emotional shit, that us girls just seem to have more of. Well at least I seem to.
Perhaps we're all just hurting ourselves. We probably are just hurting ourselves. When people are not around and we communicate through calls and text, we are bound to such limitations.
They want us to believe that communication has made such a vast improvement, and technology has become so advanced.
But no! Communication systems arent good enough, becuase obviously, we're still having miscommunication!! The sound waves were probably being diffracted and refracted, as we learned in form 5 physics, and made it sound so much like someone was yelling at me.Sounded so much like a very angry person who didnt want much to do with me because I seem to really piss them off sometimes.
Ouch, how hurtful it was for me to have received such a transmission, surely there was a communication breakdown somewhere, because at 12am, which I swore was just about an hour from this outbreak, things just magically twinkled into butterflies and marshmallows, pink daisys and rainbowed candy hearts.
How wonderful it was to have, in theory, a happy anniversary. I mean it was beautifully wrapped up, one minute screaming like someone had contracted mad cow, and the next minute, wonderful, beautiful and hugs and kisses.
My eyes, you know the ones that were almost rubbed off, kinda like erasing the same spot on a piece of paper over and over again. Yeah, they didnt feel too cherry. Oh, did I mention that the heart, yeah the heart didnt feel rainbowey either.
How wonderful it was to be reminded that I've been going through this. This unforgivable pain, for a whole year.
So many people have asked me why. They have doubted me, and even I have doubted myself.
But it will continue...until next year! May there be a tinge of happiness then...I dont ask for much, just a pinch will do.
Pain.
What a wonderful morning! I wake up to the reprimands from that whom I love most in the world. It's my fault - again.
Shit happened just a few hours before and I was in a horrible state of depression. Practically rubbed my eyes in, dug myself a hole swore to live in it for the rest of my days.
How is it possible that a person can hurt another person from miles and miles away? It's just so unfair. This emotional shit, that us girls just seem to have more of. Well at least I seem to.
Perhaps we're all just hurting ourselves. We probably are just hurting ourselves. When people are not around and we communicate through calls and text, we are bound to such limitations.
They want us to believe that communication has made such a vast improvement, and technology has become so advanced.
But no! Communication systems arent good enough, becuase obviously, we're still having miscommunication!! The sound waves were probably being diffracted and refracted, as we learned in form 5 physics, and made it sound so much like someone was yelling at me.Sounded so much like a very angry person who didnt want much to do with me because I seem to really piss them off sometimes.
Ouch, how hurtful it was for me to have received such a transmission, surely there was a communication breakdown somewhere, because at 12am, which I swore was just about an hour from this outbreak, things just magically twinkled into butterflies and marshmallows, pink daisys and rainbowed candy hearts.
How wonderful it was to have, in theory, a happy anniversary. I mean it was beautifully wrapped up, one minute screaming like someone had contracted mad cow, and the next minute, wonderful, beautiful and hugs and kisses.
My eyes, you know the ones that were almost rubbed off, kinda like erasing the same spot on a piece of paper over and over again. Yeah, they didnt feel too cherry. Oh, did I mention that the heart, yeah the heart didnt feel rainbowey either.
How wonderful it was to be reminded that I've been going through this. This unforgivable pain, for a whole year.
So many people have asked me why. They have doubted me, and even I have doubted myself.
But it will continue...until next year! May there be a tinge of happiness then...I dont ask for much, just a pinch will do.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Random Thoughts
I have a little time today to do a little writing...ie, thinking. I went to the post office to renew my very much expired drivers license. It was a pretty long wait. I dont see why they have to make you go to the post office to do those things,and open only during office hours.
It's so inconvenient, cant I just pay online, and print out my own e-license?
I can do so many things online, but to renew my license, I have to go and wait in line.
Call me lazy, or just a busy person. But do you have any idea how friggin hot it is outside? Plus parking is always a bitch. Waiting in line is okay, just sit there and do nothing. The worst part has to be the parking.
AND imagine that you have an appointment after. I guess, there has to be a whole 3-4 hours just to get there, park, melt in the sun, and wait in line. Oh! Did I mention the traffic?
*sigh*
The troubles...
Other than that, I was thinking about healthy food. What is healthy food? I know about fruits and vegetables. But does that even make you full? I'd hate to be hungry all the time.
I've really run out of good ideas for food. Everything that comes from the shop is deemed unhealthy by one person or another. Healthy stuff is really expensive.
Last night, I cooked porridge and made broccoli and califlower. That's healthy right?
But I had this weird feeling that if I eat so much rice, that the thingy that makes my insulin, or whatever the thingy is that determines whether you have diabetes or not, starts failing because it's overworked.
I just have this overwhelming guilty feeling everytime I eat something these days. I have no idea why.
It's so inconvenient, cant I just pay online, and print out my own e-license?
I can do so many things online, but to renew my license, I have to go and wait in line.
Call me lazy, or just a busy person. But do you have any idea how friggin hot it is outside? Plus parking is always a bitch. Waiting in line is okay, just sit there and do nothing. The worst part has to be the parking.
AND imagine that you have an appointment after. I guess, there has to be a whole 3-4 hours just to get there, park, melt in the sun, and wait in line. Oh! Did I mention the traffic?
*sigh*
The troubles...
Other than that, I was thinking about healthy food. What is healthy food? I know about fruits and vegetables. But does that even make you full? I'd hate to be hungry all the time.
I've really run out of good ideas for food. Everything that comes from the shop is deemed unhealthy by one person or another. Healthy stuff is really expensive.
Last night, I cooked porridge and made broccoli and califlower. That's healthy right?
But I had this weird feeling that if I eat so much rice, that the thingy that makes my insulin, or whatever the thingy is that determines whether you have diabetes or not, starts failing because it's overworked.
I just have this overwhelming guilty feeling everytime I eat something these days. I have no idea why.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Happy? Unhappy?...Not Unhappy!
I'm very glad that I had the courage to make a change in my life. I felt like I was being trapped by my previous company, conned and trapped.
I guess the further I got into it, the more guilty I felt for getting deeper into it.Perhaps it's because I always had the intention to leave.
From the moment I started, I tried not to judge it, and tried to brainwash myself into thinking that the job had a future that I wanted, but it didnt.
I never felt that it was the place for me to begin with, but it was a professional decision that I had to make when I started. There was nothing I could do. It was a bad case of catch 22! With a result that was expected, one way or another.
I realise that I gave them the impression that I was, as a friend once told me, a "lifer" there. I never had that thought in my mind unfortunately.
Another friend told me that this is life. They took a gamble and lost. Move on.
I know it was bad, but I am happier now. There are so many opportunities here, and I am not unhappy.
I'm not yippie-do-da happy - yet, but I'm not unhappy.
I guess the further I got into it, the more guilty I felt for getting deeper into it.Perhaps it's because I always had the intention to leave.
From the moment I started, I tried not to judge it, and tried to brainwash myself into thinking that the job had a future that I wanted, but it didnt.
I never felt that it was the place for me to begin with, but it was a professional decision that I had to make when I started. There was nothing I could do. It was a bad case of catch 22! With a result that was expected, one way or another.
I realise that I gave them the impression that I was, as a friend once told me, a "lifer" there. I never had that thought in my mind unfortunately.
Another friend told me that this is life. They took a gamble and lost. Move on.
I know it was bad, but I am happier now. There are so many opportunities here, and I am not unhappy.
I'm not yippie-do-da happy - yet, but I'm not unhappy.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
love always
Phew! Things are so busy here, I hardly have time for a breath! I love it! There are so many things to do, I'm glad that I had the courage to take the leap, no let me rephrase, I'm glad that the Lord had given me the strength and courage to change. I knew something was going to happen, I didnt realise it would be so soon. Nevertheless - it's great.
There are still many things that I want to do, and when I had written about Phase 1 of my future goals, I wasnt referring to this.
It's something larger than that. But I'm not going to talk about it, just in case I jinx it...=P
love always
echez
There are still many things that I want to do, and when I had written about Phase 1 of my future goals, I wasnt referring to this.
It's something larger than that. But I'm not going to talk about it, just in case I jinx it...=P
love always
echez
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Somethings To Think About
I took this from -aka pong- :
I like it, I mean I dont like like it, I think it's sad and melancholic, but I feel like this sometimes.
"There are times when I cant decide whether to see you or not, I want to see you because I miss you but there are times when I don’t want to see you because every time I do, the fact that you don’t see me the way that I see you hurts me even more ..."
"Some Day You'll Cry For Me Like I Cried For You, Some Day You'll Miss Me Like I Missed You, Some Day You'll Need Me Like I Needed You, Some Day You'll Love Me But I Won't Love You"
I like it, I mean I dont like like it, I think it's sad and melancholic, but I feel like this sometimes.
"There are times when I cant decide whether to see you or not, I want to see you because I miss you but there are times when I don’t want to see you because every time I do, the fact that you don’t see me the way that I see you hurts me even more ..."
"Some Day You'll Cry For Me Like I Cried For You, Some Day You'll Miss Me Like I Missed You, Some Day You'll Need Me Like I Needed You, Some Day You'll Love Me But I Won't Love You"
Monday, September 17, 2007
Thank You
Something has finally happened! I have moved to a new company! I am so excited! Two and a half years working for one company, and now, a change. It's a little overwhelming, but I love it! I cant wait for more things to happen! It's so exciting! I have so many people to thank! Most of all I thank the Lord! For taking charge of my life, for leading me to where I am now, for bringing me here, and for providing everything I could ever ask for.
I am very grateful. Very grateful.
I am very grateful. Very grateful.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Owwwww! I feel good! na-na-na-na-na!
No idea where that thought came from. Guess that song got stuck in my head. Which brings me to an old anecdote.
In college, my roommate and I use to keep the PC on in the room all the time, downloading stuff and etc. So one day we downloaded this alarm thingie, which starts playing a song as the alarm. I always told my roommate that I wanted a nice soothing song that I could sing to coz in the morning, I'd start singing the song in my head, and I'd become conscious and thus awake.
We tried a few songs, some worked, some didnt. But one fine morning at approximately 7am, blasting loud, I hear "Owwwww!I Feel Good"
I got up threw a pillow vigorously across the room, and got really pissed, then went back to sleep.
It scared the shites outta me! I was like WTF? Took me a few mintues to realise that I wasnt being attacked by aliens trying to abduct me.
Never Again
In college, my roommate and I use to keep the PC on in the room all the time, downloading stuff and etc. So one day we downloaded this alarm thingie, which starts playing a song as the alarm. I always told my roommate that I wanted a nice soothing song that I could sing to coz in the morning, I'd start singing the song in my head, and I'd become conscious and thus awake.
We tried a few songs, some worked, some didnt. But one fine morning at approximately 7am, blasting loud, I hear "Owwwww!I Feel Good"
I got up threw a pillow vigorously across the room, and got really pissed, then went back to sleep.
It scared the shites outta me! I was like WTF? Took me a few mintues to realise that I wasnt being attacked by aliens trying to abduct me.
Never Again
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Quoted
Be silent, or say something better than silence. - Pythagoras
I realised that this blog goes above and beyond not only, coinciding, but completely contradicting the above quote.
But in the outside world, thoughts are silent. But if you are reading this to yourself, and sometimes it seems to shout at you, well...I didnt shout. I thought, silently. You shouted, at yourself.
I realised that this blog goes above and beyond not only, coinciding, but completely contradicting the above quote.
But in the outside world, thoughts are silent. But if you are reading this to yourself, and sometimes it seems to shout at you, well...I didnt shout. I thought, silently. You shouted, at yourself.
Quoted
A good deed is never lost: he who sows courtesy reaps friendship; and he who plants kindness gathers love. - Basil
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I Can't Wait!
Things are finally beginning to settle a little, which means there's going to be lots on it's way. In a way I'm psyched about gettin down and busy. But I'm also shittin scared about the whole thing. My goals are close to being kickstarted into phase 1. I cant wait!
I just need some things to fall into place, and all I can do is wait. I hate waiting...urgh...
Anyways, lots of good things on their way!
I just need some things to fall into place, and all I can do is wait. I hate waiting...urgh...
Anyways, lots of good things on their way!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
You and I
Hold me in your heart
Touch me in your dreams
When your soul kisses my lips
We become one, and together,
We overcome our deepest fear
-Each Other-
Touch me in your dreams
When your soul kisses my lips
We become one, and together,
We overcome our deepest fear
-Each Other-
Monday, August 13, 2007
Craziness!
What a week...crazy! Finally completed my last module! WooHoo, it's almost over!! I cant believe it's been a year and a half since I started my journey towards this, and now as I look back, there were so many friendships, so many memories of arguements, and late nights-amazing late nights...and now, with one more hurdle to pass through before we congratulate each other's hard work and cooperation, and then off we are, into our pre-defined paths towards success.
So many plans we made together, about our futures, our plans to take over Russia and rule the world. Can you imagine? Russia...Laughter fills my lungs everytime.
There's so much more, so much more I want to explore, so much more I strive to achieve, and I cant wait!
So many plans we made together, about our futures, our plans to take over Russia and rule the world. Can you imagine? Russia...Laughter fills my lungs everytime.
There's so much more, so much more I want to explore, so much more I strive to achieve, and I cant wait!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
For Tough Times
Thank you all for the kind words, but please, do not be worried. I have very much faith in God, and His plans for my life. As for the melancholic words, I believe that happiness should be shared with everyone around you, as it infectious. Unfortunately, my pain and sorrow does also infect the people around me.
I try hard not to subject the people around me to my personal pain and sadness, as much as I can. And I've always done this through writing. So, for friends who worry about my well being and melancholic pieces, please remember the smiley person I usually am.
Writing really makes me feel much better about everything, the piece is sad, but I am not, for the sadness has been taken away from me through words. This is how I survive.
They say that your closest friends and family are the people who get it the worst from you. For they are the only ones allowed to know the real you, not only the masked.
Thank you for your visits to my site, but please, do not submit yourself to the worst of me.
echez
I try hard not to subject the people around me to my personal pain and sadness, as much as I can. And I've always done this through writing. So, for friends who worry about my well being and melancholic pieces, please remember the smiley person I usually am.
Writing really makes me feel much better about everything, the piece is sad, but I am not, for the sadness has been taken away from me through words. This is how I survive.
They say that your closest friends and family are the people who get it the worst from you. For they are the only ones allowed to know the real you, not only the masked.
Thank you for your visits to my site, but please, do not submit yourself to the worst of me.
echez
Friday, August 10, 2007
*sighs*
I might be stubborn but at least I have feelings. I am not a heartless beast, who disregards the feelings of the people, especially the people closest to them.
I guess I can understand though, with a newfound interests, there's no time for a silly girls hearts, or feelings, or anything in relative retrospect.
I will hide away, for it will only be for the greater good. Until the dust settles, and an image, more clear, appears.
Coward am I? I guess I am. I will hide away and tears shall speak for themselves, quietly, alone.
I guess I can understand though, with a newfound interests, there's no time for a silly girls hearts, or feelings, or anything in relative retrospect.
I will hide away, for it will only be for the greater good. Until the dust settles, and an image, more clear, appears.
Coward am I? I guess I am. I will hide away and tears shall speak for themselves, quietly, alone.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
I Am Not Afraid!
Dark secrets unveil, I am no longer afraid. Come
what may. I will stand tall, nothing will blow me
away, nothing will wear me out.
I know what I want. I know who I am.
I am not a bystander in my life. You are but a part
of me. You are not me. There is no reason in the
world that I should be afraid.
For I know who I am, and I know what I want.I know
what I have.
I know that all I have to do is pray to God, and keep moving. Keep working, keep achieving and soon things will fall into place. I know that if I think and act with the kindness of my heart, that I will have no fear, no guilt, only happiness.
Good things always happen to good people.
what may. I will stand tall, nothing will blow me
away, nothing will wear me out.
I know what I want. I know who I am.
I am not a bystander in my life. You are but a part
of me. You are not me. There is no reason in the
world that I should be afraid.
For I know who I am, and I know what I want.I know
what I have.
I know that all I have to do is pray to God, and keep moving. Keep working, keep achieving and soon things will fall into place. I know that if I think and act with the kindness of my heart, that I will have no fear, no guilt, only happiness.
Good things always happen to good people.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Greenday
She...
She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
Waiting for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you
She's figured out
All her doubts were someone else's point of view
Waking up this time
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control
Sunday, July 29, 2007
i cry
I sat on the carpet today, and I cried.
Everyone has their insecurities right?
Everyone has a right to their past, right?
A past of passion, a past of love, of cherish, of faith and hope? Hope of the future that they've always dreamed of, right?
There was so much there, in the past, so much love. I dont know whether I am crying for the love that he couldnt have with her, or the love that I will never be able to replace.
It was wrong of me, I know, to have taken a look into his past. And now my eyes have widened, to see so many things that were hers, and now, being given to me.
Am I second best? Or am I the new first? I know, it's not a competition, it's not a game, but I dont think I can share. What's worse than physical torture is the type that eats into your mind, your heart.
Is it rediculous - yes. But it's there, it's real, my pain is real, please believe me, please, please dont cast it away. I can feel it, eating at my heart, penetrating into my soul. It hurts.
Am I being selfish? I dont doubt his love for me, I doubt the un-love for her. Love cannot be undone.
I'm trying to see, I'm trying to make it feel different, I really am. We all have our past, loves and hopes that have been crushed, that didnt work, and we move on, can we ever really move on? Can we ever really forget?
I'm trying to think of me, of my past, but I can think of nothing. It's no longer there, the feelings that I've had before, they no longer exist. I cant pull them out, my love for him is so intense, it overrules the past.
My only hope is that he feels the same. That a love he wanted so much in the past is no longer there.
But his heavy sigh, it makes me fear. The images, the words, they line his heart, they line his life. They linger in the room. The place outside his heart where I lay my head.
Everyone has their insecurities right?
Everyone has a right to their past, right?
A past of passion, a past of love, of cherish, of faith and hope? Hope of the future that they've always dreamed of, right?
There was so much there, in the past, so much love. I dont know whether I am crying for the love that he couldnt have with her, or the love that I will never be able to replace.
It was wrong of me, I know, to have taken a look into his past. And now my eyes have widened, to see so many things that were hers, and now, being given to me.
Am I second best? Or am I the new first? I know, it's not a competition, it's not a game, but I dont think I can share. What's worse than physical torture is the type that eats into your mind, your heart.
Is it rediculous - yes. But it's there, it's real, my pain is real, please believe me, please, please dont cast it away. I can feel it, eating at my heart, penetrating into my soul. It hurts.
Am I being selfish? I dont doubt his love for me, I doubt the un-love for her. Love cannot be undone.
I'm trying to see, I'm trying to make it feel different, I really am. We all have our past, loves and hopes that have been crushed, that didnt work, and we move on, can we ever really move on? Can we ever really forget?
I'm trying to think of me, of my past, but I can think of nothing. It's no longer there, the feelings that I've had before, they no longer exist. I cant pull them out, my love for him is so intense, it overrules the past.
My only hope is that he feels the same. That a love he wanted so much in the past is no longer there.
But his heavy sigh, it makes me fear. The images, the words, they line his heart, they line his life. They linger in the room. The place outside his heart where I lay my head.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Smile
Why cant I understand? It's not about me not understanding. I feel this way and thus there is a reaction.
When I feel sad, I will cry, when I am happy I will smile, when it's funny I'll laugh. Why cant that be understood? Isn't it just the way people are? How can you expect me to change the way that I feel? People cant change what they feel. People can change the way they react to a feeling, but the feeling will always be there.
I could change my reaction to sadness, I could not cry, but that would just make me feel worse. Crying helps me, I'm a cry-baby. I'm not going to stop feeling, I'm not going to stop crying. If it makes the world feel better, I'll do it in the lone silence of my memoir-filled room, but that doesnt change the fact.
This is not a good time for me, I'm supposed to be strong but this is the weakest that I've ever been. I dont know where to find my strength, the only place I know is from pain.
Soon the pain will be over and I will be stronger, but along with it, I fear, will emerge a diluted heart, one that no longer values, no longer has the ability to adhere intense feelings, positive nor negative.
I thought we had something more, something deeper, but I will smile for you, just like I smile for them, if that is what you really think we are.
When I feel sad, I will cry, when I am happy I will smile, when it's funny I'll laugh. Why cant that be understood? Isn't it just the way people are? How can you expect me to change the way that I feel? People cant change what they feel. People can change the way they react to a feeling, but the feeling will always be there.
I could change my reaction to sadness, I could not cry, but that would just make me feel worse. Crying helps me, I'm a cry-baby. I'm not going to stop feeling, I'm not going to stop crying. If it makes the world feel better, I'll do it in the lone silence of my memoir-filled room, but that doesnt change the fact.
This is not a good time for me, I'm supposed to be strong but this is the weakest that I've ever been. I dont know where to find my strength, the only place I know is from pain.
Soon the pain will be over and I will be stronger, but along with it, I fear, will emerge a diluted heart, one that no longer values, no longer has the ability to adhere intense feelings, positive nor negative.
I thought we had something more, something deeper, but I will smile for you, just like I smile for them, if that is what you really think we are.
Friday, July 20, 2007
It's Sad
It's been awhile since I've written, my life these days have been rollercoaster...
People all around me, leaving, going away. It's the whole, melancholic going away syndrom all over again.
But I guess it's getting better though, as I zoom back into my own life and the direction it's going, I get a little worried, and start tuning in again.
These few weeks, I've been so consumed in the events leading up to the departure of two people who have, through time, become two of the most important people in my life.
I guess life is about being selfish and working hard only for yourself. Not for anyone else. For work, for school, for goals, for their dreams, people will leave you. For you are less important than themselves. But of course! Who are you but someone else?
But then again you cant blame anyone for that. I know I'd do the same. But in any case, it is saddening.
I am sad.
People all around me, leaving, going away. It's the whole, melancholic going away syndrom all over again.
But I guess it's getting better though, as I zoom back into my own life and the direction it's going, I get a little worried, and start tuning in again.
These few weeks, I've been so consumed in the events leading up to the departure of two people who have, through time, become two of the most important people in my life.
I guess life is about being selfish and working hard only for yourself. Not for anyone else. For work, for school, for goals, for their dreams, people will leave you. For you are less important than themselves. But of course! Who are you but someone else?
But then again you cant blame anyone for that. I know I'd do the same. But in any case, it is saddening.
I am sad.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The Ignorance of Neglectance
The feeling of exhaustion is overwhelming.I'm afraid that smiling just isnt going to do.I am no longer myself, locked in an emotional envelope so thick, there's no air to breath.
There's a silence before the storm, perhaps there will be no storm, just silence.
Perhaps it doesnt matter. Sometimes if I'm quiet, my presence is goes unnoticed. A good thing? Not for I, who has everything, but has nothing that means anything to me.
Do I ask for much?
Is your time, too much?
Caress too costly?
I ask these questions of myself in the dark, as the sky stares a nodding compassion down on me and the wind seeps lightly through my window holding me into the night.
There's a silence before the storm, perhaps there will be no storm, just silence.
Perhaps it doesnt matter. Sometimes if I'm quiet, my presence is goes unnoticed. A good thing? Not for I, who has everything, but has nothing that means anything to me.
Do I ask for much?
Is your time, too much?
Caress too costly?
I ask these questions of myself in the dark, as the sky stares a nodding compassion down on me and the wind seeps lightly through my window holding me into the night.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Uninvited
It is in anguish as progression transpires,
To realise a comfort that does not take to reciprocate.
The exploitation of the misconstrued,
Has led to assume an ever disheartening disposition.
Such a melancholic dire, to have pocketed a love not appertained to one.
Bores a hollowness that cannot be contained.
What are the repercussions?
To you...to me...?
To realise a comfort that does not take to reciprocate.
The exploitation of the misconstrued,
Has led to assume an ever disheartening disposition.
Such a melancholic dire, to have pocketed a love not appertained to one.
Bores a hollowness that cannot be contained.
What are the repercussions?
To you...to me...?
Monday, May 21, 2007
Run With Me
How can the ocean, without a leak, find empty?
I try to reason, yet reason I can't.
I shed a gallon of tears to wash away your sorrows, and mine
A gallon more to start refilling your sea again.
I wonder how many more moons will fade away,
Before you sail your ship again,
With me perhaps, in wind.
Sometimes in the damp of day,
It's suffocating just to look out over the shore.
For there's something there that cannot be reached.
To stretch and take a leap, and bound for joy.
It all looks just too far away.
Take my hand and if you must,
Deceive, betray, delude my mind
Camouflage the absence of a jubilent sky
With the joy of the blithely unconcerned.
Run with me.
I try to reason, yet reason I can't.
I shed a gallon of tears to wash away your sorrows, and mine
A gallon more to start refilling your sea again.
I wonder how many more moons will fade away,
Before you sail your ship again,
With me perhaps, in wind.
Sometimes in the damp of day,
It's suffocating just to look out over the shore.
For there's something there that cannot be reached.
To stretch and take a leap, and bound for joy.
It all looks just too far away.
Take my hand and if you must,
Deceive, betray, delude my mind
Camouflage the absence of a jubilent sky
With the joy of the blithely unconcerned.
Run with me.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Certification!
Two years of developement, my project started of as a new born baby. I started work and started counting little rubber thingies by the hundreds of thousands, one by one.
Today, we achieved certification! What an exciting moment! I never thought the feeling would be so satisfying.
I cant believe that I could be responsible for a whole department, a whole process, being certified!
A month ago, my Manager called me in for a discussion. She asked me whether I would like to include my department, the baby, into the audit for certification while the other departments went through recertification.
She told me that the process that I had put in was running smoothly, and all I had to do was refine it and treat all the loose ends.
The auditor found "no deficiencies" in our department. Not even a little one. None at all!
Wow! It may sound rediculous whoever reading this, who have succeeded in many many projects. But this is a first for me. The first benchmark, my first achievement.
Today, we achieved certification! What an exciting moment! I never thought the feeling would be so satisfying.
I cant believe that I could be responsible for a whole department, a whole process, being certified!
A month ago, my Manager called me in for a discussion. She asked me whether I would like to include my department, the baby, into the audit for certification while the other departments went through recertification.
She told me that the process that I had put in was running smoothly, and all I had to do was refine it and treat all the loose ends.
The auditor found "no deficiencies" in our department. Not even a little one. None at all!
Wow! It may sound rediculous whoever reading this, who have succeeded in many many projects. But this is a first for me. The first benchmark, my first achievement.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
What Motivates People To Do What They Do?
I was in the midst of a heated conversation about what it is that motivates people to do what they do. What makes people go on, continue, turn...What motivates people?
The answer is HOPE. Hope is the emotional feeling that things will be well. Wellness, is undefined, and subject to personal opinion.
Hope, isnt it a brilliant word, everyone, everything in this world is, because of hope. Because someone had hope, because we all have hope.
Do I have hope? Definitely.
Do you have hope, for all things in life? You should.
echez
The answer is HOPE. Hope is the emotional feeling that things will be well. Wellness, is undefined, and subject to personal opinion.
Hope, isnt it a brilliant word, everyone, everything in this world is, because of hope. Because someone had hope, because we all have hope.
Do I have hope? Definitely.
Do you have hope, for all things in life? You should.
echez
Friday, April 27, 2007
It's Me
I...am tired of my insecurities, why should one give me the sense of insecurity, when everyone strives to take them away.
It's like putting a fire to skin and telling it not to burn.
I dont know what to say, I dont know what to do. I just want to burst out crying. I just wanna scream. But I cant coz I'm the woman, and woman have men that they have to take care of.
Even if they dont know it yet.
It's like putting a fire to skin and telling it not to burn.
I dont know what to say, I dont know what to do. I just want to burst out crying. I just wanna scream. But I cant coz I'm the woman, and woman have men that they have to take care of.
Even if they dont know it yet.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Laughter
Had the most amazing night last night. We laughed, alot. It was great. I wonder sometimes why people dont do that more often. Sometimes people dwell so much into issues of everyday, that they dont take the time off to relax, have fun...laugh.
A laugh does so much good in times when life seems so claustrophobic.
A laugh does so much good in times when life seems so claustrophobic.
Monday, April 16, 2007
All The Small Things...
All the small things, that maketh a man.
A kiss just for her, for nothing in particular.
Holding the door for her.
A hug out of nowhere.
Looking into her eyes.
A smile.
Surprises.
Words, just to remind her that you love her.
To be there to listen.
I think I like to know that there will always be someone to listen to me if I ever need to talk. I might never say a thing to that person, but just to know that should I ever need to, which I probably wont, but just in case, they'll be there. I guess knowing that means so much.
Whereas if you have someone there, that you know will not listen to you, unjudgingly, you'll feel so lonely, even if the person is with you everyday.
A kiss just for her, for nothing in particular.
Holding the door for her.
A hug out of nowhere.
Looking into her eyes.
A smile.
Surprises.
Words, just to remind her that you love her.
To be there to listen.
I think I like to know that there will always be someone to listen to me if I ever need to talk. I might never say a thing to that person, but just to know that should I ever need to, which I probably wont, but just in case, they'll be there. I guess knowing that means so much.
Whereas if you have someone there, that you know will not listen to you, unjudgingly, you'll feel so lonely, even if the person is with you everyday.
memories
Leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember! Don't send a message, leave a comment on here. Next, re-post this in your notes and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty cool (and funny) to see the responses. Repost as "memories."
My Life
1984 - Birth
1985 - 1986 - Perak
1987-1989 - Papua New Guinea
1990-1996 - Az, USA
1996-1997 - HK
1997-1999 - Wangsa Maju - UIS
1999-2001 - Wangsa Maju - TARC
2001-2004 - Cheras - UCSI
2005-2007 - Shah Alam - CTSB-SA
1985 - 1986 - Perak
1987-1989 - Papua New Guinea
1990-1996 - Az, USA
1996-1997 - HK
1997-1999 - Wangsa Maju - UIS
1999-2001 - Wangsa Maju - TARC
2001-2004 - Cheras - UCSI
2005-2007 - Shah Alam - CTSB-SA
Travel 07
May 07- Assignment Due
May07 - Dwn Chn From Germany
June 07 - Bangkok, Thailand
July 07 - Langkawi, Malaysia
August/September 07 - mingming is comin' to town!
May07 - Dwn Chn From Germany
June 07 - Bangkok, Thailand
July 07 - Langkawi, Malaysia
August/September 07 - mingming is comin' to town!
The Awe Of It All
Sometimes in the awe of it all, we feel blissful, yet empty.
Everything is great, couldnt be better. Yet, there's something missing.
It's not something you need, but it's something you'd really like to have.
Probably the smallest smile, perhaps the slightest sign. It's those little things that mean so so much.
*sigh*
Look at this stuff, Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has ev'rything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Lookin' around here you'd think
(Sure) she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
(You want thingamabobs?I got twenty)
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more...
(Part of Your World)
I want more...!
Everything is great, couldnt be better. Yet, there's something missing.
It's not something you need, but it's something you'd really like to have.
Probably the smallest smile, perhaps the slightest sign. It's those little things that mean so so much.
*sigh*
Look at this stuff, Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has ev'rything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Lookin' around here you'd think
(Sure) she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
(You want thingamabobs?I got twenty)
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more...
(Part of Your World)
I want more...!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Hey...
This man of yours must be one hell of a kind, to sweep this amazing angel off her feet.. he's a damn luck dude too.. i wish i could meet u again though.. maybe if he's around i could meet him in person and shake his hand and say "well done".. haha.. mine has been up and down the hill lately, trying the long distance relationship.. despite all this talk the botttom line is i miss you Ez. and i wish things are different.. anyway nobody knows wat the future holds.. when i'm around i'll surely give you a call.
oa
oa
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Leave!
All my life, people have been going away. Coming into it and then leaving again. Always to somewhere else. I think I'm use to it. Perhaps, I expect it now. Sooner or later, someone close to me is going to go.
It's completely okay, I mean I totally understand the predicament. If you aint gonna leave, sooner or later, I'm going to be the one that's gettin out of the country.
I guess that's how my life was laid out. It's okay though because I think I have learned, more or less, how to handle it.
So go! See if I care?!?!..........
Okay okay I care, dont go...=)
That was something I saw in a goodbye card that I bought for one of my collegues. Funny.
It's completely okay, I mean I totally understand the predicament. If you aint gonna leave, sooner or later, I'm going to be the one that's gettin out of the country.
I guess that's how my life was laid out. It's okay though because I think I have learned, more or less, how to handle it.
So go! See if I care?!?!..........
Okay okay I care, dont go...=)
That was something I saw in a goodbye card that I bought for one of my collegues. Funny.
Visual DNA
I saw this on Half a Cup of Chai, and decided to do one of my own...Thanxx! Helped me get through my boreful day!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
MBA Dissertation
I finally found the chance to summarise my trip. I guess it was nice, but there were so many things that I wanted to do that I didnt get the chance to. Oh well, next time. When I have the money I guess.
I have mixed feelings on what I want to write for my final MBA dissertation. I think I should just start, but I'm procrastinating because the environment isn't right, I dont have the right inspiration. I think that there are too many things both physically and mentaly, disturbing me, and I cant seem to get my thoughts straight.
Perhaps it's just an excuse for being lazy. There are so many things going on in my life that I want to get complete once and for all, so that I can orientate myself to start working on my dissertation.
I know that I am pushing myself behind schedule as compared to others in my class, but please understand. That my situation is so pressurising, there are so many things that I need to think about before this. Before my dissertation, like food and such.
I am a poor disturbed soul that has no firm foundation. I am floating around, in places that are not permenant. It's like one of rubbing your tummy and patting your head, that's the situation that I am in. I cant do both unless I concentrate really really hard and do things really slowly, and if I try to quicken the pace, it'll all fall apart in misery.
What shall I do, which piece should I move next?
Perhaps it has to do with the environment that I am in. I think I need to set up my room such that there is space, lots of space, lots of air, bright, white, cool, you know like heaven.
*sigh* Where I am now, I dont know...
I have mixed feelings on what I want to write for my final MBA dissertation. I think I should just start, but I'm procrastinating because the environment isn't right, I dont have the right inspiration. I think that there are too many things both physically and mentaly, disturbing me, and I cant seem to get my thoughts straight.
Perhaps it's just an excuse for being lazy. There are so many things going on in my life that I want to get complete once and for all, so that I can orientate myself to start working on my dissertation.
I know that I am pushing myself behind schedule as compared to others in my class, but please understand. That my situation is so pressurising, there are so many things that I need to think about before this. Before my dissertation, like food and such.
I am a poor disturbed soul that has no firm foundation. I am floating around, in places that are not permenant. It's like one of rubbing your tummy and patting your head, that's the situation that I am in. I cant do both unless I concentrate really really hard and do things really slowly, and if I try to quicken the pace, it'll all fall apart in misery.
What shall I do, which piece should I move next?
Perhaps it has to do with the environment that I am in. I think I need to set up my room such that there is space, lots of space, lots of air, bright, white, cool, you know like heaven.
*sigh* Where I am now, I dont know...
Atlanta - Los Angeles - Las Vegas - Arizona
Once in the hotel room, I settled in, got the notebook working, went online. I cant remember exactly what happened chronologically in Atlanta the week that I was there, but I remember the first thing I had to do was Taco Bell. Taco Bell, is an Americanized version of mexican food. In other words just another fast food joint that many Americans try to advoid. Especially so because of the recent E.Coli outbreak that had affected, of all joints, Taco Bell.
To me, tacos, burritos, nacho's and fake cheese. A rare delicacy, that cannot be found in Malaysia. I'd say it's one of those simple and most satisfying things in life.
After having my dose to Taco Bell, which amazingly enough was walking distance away from the hotel, I decided that the temperature was great, and that I'd walk around the neighborhood.
There was Wal-Mart, in which I visited for a few hours, buying little American things for myself, and a few Americanized gifts for people at home. I also bought lots of microwavable popcorn, beef jerky, and slim jims, that Malaysia also doesnt have.
On Monday, work started, we had days and days of intensive training. Most of the things I had already gone through when I visited in May, so I was an expert. But even so, I broke a few things.
We, and when I say we, I mean the two guys from Australia who had come to visit Radiant US for the first time, who also had training with me. The training was more for their benefit, I was just sitting in.
So, we, went to Target, Circuit City, and all the electronic stores, in which they did they're shopping like women. This is understandable, men and their gadgets.
But when we went to JC Penny, or some department store, where they sell clothes, they again, shopped like women! Trying on clothes, again and again, and in the end buying nothing, we spent so much time there, it was pretty pathetic.
Anyways we ate at Ruby Tuesdays, the baby back ribs. It was okay.
I went to an NBA game!! That was one of the highlights of my trip. I had been to one before, but this time, it was great too! I went by the CNN center, the Olympic Cenntennial Park.
It was a good trip.
Then I was off to LA for Christmas. My uncle from Las Vegas was coming over to LA for a visit.
I got a Christmas present! LOL, I wasnt expecting one, but it was nice, to be with family, and kids, opening their presents.
I got an Ipod Nano!! WoooHooo, I'm a kid again...
Then was our trip Las Vegas, the city that never sleeps. We reached at 10pm, and I slept.
The next couple of days I hung out in my uncle's huge house, just 30 minutes outside the buzz of lights and entertainment. We painted his basketball court, played some ball. It was relaxing. I want a life like that.
We visited some of the hotels in LV, watched a magic show. All the good stuff.
A few days later, my adventure to Az on a greyhound. I think the trip was very interesting, and also relaxing, peaceful, one would say.
We stopped off in Flagstaff, a town that we drove past many a time when I was a kid. There was snow, but I was sweaty. Again the temperature was like an airconditioned room.
In Az, I chowed down on all my favorite junk food, went to family dinners, where I got to see my relatives all grown up. Got to eat American Chinese food...yucks! Went to church, visited my elementary school, something that I have wanted to do every since I left it a decade ago.
I think I had an overall pleasent trip. Next time I go, I want to go alone, I want to have mroe freedom, I want to roam around by myself, and explore. I want to visit the nooks and crannies that I use to hide out at when I was a kid.
I havent explored the real USA yet, or have I?
To me, tacos, burritos, nacho's and fake cheese. A rare delicacy, that cannot be found in Malaysia. I'd say it's one of those simple and most satisfying things in life.
After having my dose to Taco Bell, which amazingly enough was walking distance away from the hotel, I decided that the temperature was great, and that I'd walk around the neighborhood.
There was Wal-Mart, in which I visited for a few hours, buying little American things for myself, and a few Americanized gifts for people at home. I also bought lots of microwavable popcorn, beef jerky, and slim jims, that Malaysia also doesnt have.
On Monday, work started, we had days and days of intensive training. Most of the things I had already gone through when I visited in May, so I was an expert. But even so, I broke a few things.
We, and when I say we, I mean the two guys from Australia who had come to visit Radiant US for the first time, who also had training with me. The training was more for their benefit, I was just sitting in.
So, we, went to Target, Circuit City, and all the electronic stores, in which they did they're shopping like women. This is understandable, men and their gadgets.
But when we went to JC Penny, or some department store, where they sell clothes, they again, shopped like women! Trying on clothes, again and again, and in the end buying nothing, we spent so much time there, it was pretty pathetic.
Anyways we ate at Ruby Tuesdays, the baby back ribs. It was okay.
I went to an NBA game!! That was one of the highlights of my trip. I had been to one before, but this time, it was great too! I went by the CNN center, the Olympic Cenntennial Park.
It was a good trip.
Then I was off to LA for Christmas. My uncle from Las Vegas was coming over to LA for a visit.
I got a Christmas present! LOL, I wasnt expecting one, but it was nice, to be with family, and kids, opening their presents.
I got an Ipod Nano!! WoooHooo, I'm a kid again...
Then was our trip Las Vegas, the city that never sleeps. We reached at 10pm, and I slept.
The next couple of days I hung out in my uncle's huge house, just 30 minutes outside the buzz of lights and entertainment. We painted his basketball court, played some ball. It was relaxing. I want a life like that.
We visited some of the hotels in LV, watched a magic show. All the good stuff.
A few days later, my adventure to Az on a greyhound. I think the trip was very interesting, and also relaxing, peaceful, one would say.
We stopped off in Flagstaff, a town that we drove past many a time when I was a kid. There was snow, but I was sweaty. Again the temperature was like an airconditioned room.
In Az, I chowed down on all my favorite junk food, went to family dinners, where I got to see my relatives all grown up. Got to eat American Chinese food...yucks! Went to church, visited my elementary school, something that I have wanted to do every since I left it a decade ago.
I think I had an overall pleasent trip. Next time I go, I want to go alone, I want to have mroe freedom, I want to roam around by myself, and explore. I want to visit the nooks and crannies that I use to hide out at when I was a kid.
I havent explored the real USA yet, or have I?
Overview
I read over my blog today, and started wondering why I spend my time updating it. I realised that all I ever wrote about is myself, I realised how self consumed I sound in all of my blog posts.
I have come to a conclusion that my writing and updating my blog, is somewhat theraputical. I started remembering that when I had nobody, I had words. Writing has been with me since forever. Whether I be writing sense, or nonsense. I guess this blog acts as a journal, in which I look back to the experiences that I have logged into it.
The things that I have been through, the feelings that I use to feel. Sometimes I feel embarassed when reading my own posts. Thinking to myself, OMGosh, I was so dumb, and OMGosh, I actually use to say these things, and I actually use to think that way.
I guess as time goes by, those things of the past no longer have their jist of excitement. Are no longer interesting. At times even monotonous.
Overall, I think I like my blog, I enjoy having a log of my experiences and feelings stored up somewhere, as words. Some of those feelings, I will never feel again. Most of the events I will never relive.
I have come to a conclusion that my writing and updating my blog, is somewhat theraputical. I started remembering that when I had nobody, I had words. Writing has been with me since forever. Whether I be writing sense, or nonsense. I guess this blog acts as a journal, in which I look back to the experiences that I have logged into it.
The things that I have been through, the feelings that I use to feel. Sometimes I feel embarassed when reading my own posts. Thinking to myself, OMGosh, I was so dumb, and OMGosh, I actually use to say these things, and I actually use to think that way.
I guess as time goes by, those things of the past no longer have their jist of excitement. Are no longer interesting. At times even monotonous.
Overall, I think I like my blog, I enjoy having a log of my experiences and feelings stored up somewhere, as words. Some of those feelings, I will never feel again. Most of the events I will never relive.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Aspirations Continued From September 2005!!!
It’s awhile since I posted my aspirations the first time in September 2005, and updated them January 2006. It is now 2007. Time for a review… Some of the things may seem a little pathetic, but hey, who cares.
1. Continue learning to play the violin.(pending)
2. Get my IR.(pending)
3. Get my Masters.(Completing my MBA in September 2007 – HOPEFULLY!!)
4. Learn to dance.(pending)
5. Bungee Jumping.(pending)
6. Base Jumping.(pending)
7. Hang Gliding.(pending)
8. Sky Diving.(pending)
9. Exercise.( pending)
10. Make time for Basketball.(pending)
11. Swim again.(pending)
12. Fit into swim suite.(pending)
13. Look good in swim suite.(pending)
14. Consume at least 5 servings of Veggies and fruits per day..(pending - this is not working out-needs more work)
15. Develop and maintain strong relationship with my cousins.(Slacking, but I’m sure they understand my predicament)
16. Make sure phone bill is less than RM100 per month.(This is still happening!!)
17. Get Streamyx at home - be able to afford it..(pending)
18. Rent/Buy a place of my own..(pending)
19. Get furniture for the place of my own..(pending)
20. Get a nice sound system and TV, even if I'm not that into music nor TV.(pending)
21. Nice fridge stocked with food and snacks all the time.(pending)
22. Paint my new place with colors of my own choice.(pending)
23. Take better care of skin. (pending)
24. DO NOT BE LAZY. (PENDING)
25. Try washing my own clothes. (This may actually be working)
26. Try ironing my own clothes. (I could do better)
27. Cook (pending)
28. Wake up at 6am every morning.(NOT WORKING!!)
29. Sleep at 11pm every night.(trying very hard to do so, from 1am to 12am, getting there)
30. Read news paper daily. (Does online news paper count?)
31. Read a book a fortnight/month/week. (ACHIEVED!!! One a month I guess)
32. Try to get in da groove with music..(I omit this from my aspirations, I have music that I like, and that’s all I need)
33. Buy CD's.(pending)
34. Get a book shelf for my books (pending)
35. File my documents and put them on the shelf. (ACHIEVED!! Well, slacking on that again)
36. Get colored contact lenses (just for the fun of it).(pending)
37. Pay insurance. (ACHIEVED!!!)
38. Pay study loan (ACHIEVED!!!)
39. Take art classes. (pending)
40. Take business classes (MBA does that count.)
41. Take Public speaking classes.(pending)
42. Take Drama classes.(pending)
43. Upgrade my car.(pending)
44. Learn how to surf the internet patiently.(pending)
45. Get new shoes.(ACHIEVED!!! Need more new shoes!)
46. Start savings for my kids.(pending)
47. Keep a journal.(blog??)(starting again sort of)
48. Work at work.(ACHIEVED!! Well…)
49. Go out only on weekends.(I don’t really go out at all now.)
50. Go home after work.(ACHIEVED!!!)
51. Go over college books..(pending)
52. Visit Japan again.(pending)
53. Visit Hong Kong again.(pending)
54. Visit China again.(pending)
55. Visit Thailand again.(pending)
56. Visit Papua New Guinea again.(pending)
57. Australia.(pending)
58. Europe.(pending)
59. Definitely India.(pending)
60. Visit Grandparents in AZ.(pending for April 2006~!! DONE! May 2006 & Dec06/Jan07!!!)61. Visit uncles & cousins in AZ, CA, WA...where ever they may move to. (pending for April 2006~! DONE May 2006 & Dec06/Jan07)
62. Learn french, chinese, malay, spanish, german..(pending)
63. Go to church. (Trying to establish myself)
64. Read the bible. (pending)
65. Buy more dresses. (pending)
66. Wear more dresses.(pending)
67. Meet more people.(Not doing such a bad job)
68. Catch up with friends.(Caught up with LA here, Da, Ca, Ty in US.)
69. Dont get involved with men right now.(Well...Not doing too bad...I guess).(didn’t work)
70. Keep account of expenses. (didn’t work either)
71. Give parents money.(ACHIEVED!!)
72. Specialise in ONE programming software & language.(Pending)
73. Get and manage a credit card.(DONE!)
74. Invest in something.(Education, but I don’t think that counts.)
75. Take law.(pending)
76. Re-organise my PC, re-install all necessary programs. ( Done! My Brother did it…thanks!)77. Organise and collect software CD's.(Pending)
78. Dont miss the good movies that come out in the cinema.(Pending)
79. Try to make time for myself.(Pending)
80. DO WELL IN MY MBA!(pending)
81. Keep a planner.(ACHIEVED~!! Well, have to start that again)
82. Buy more shoes.(pending)
1. Continue learning to play the violin.(pending)
2. Get my IR.(pending)
3. Get my Masters.(Completing my MBA in September 2007 – HOPEFULLY!!)
4. Learn to dance.(pending)
5. Bungee Jumping.(pending)
6. Base Jumping.(pending)
7. Hang Gliding.(pending)
8. Sky Diving.(pending)
9. Exercise.( pending)
10. Make time for Basketball.(pending)
11. Swim again.(pending)
12. Fit into swim suite.(pending)
13. Look good in swim suite.(pending)
14. Consume at least 5 servings of Veggies and fruits per day..(pending - this is not working out-needs more work)
15. Develop and maintain strong relationship with my cousins.(Slacking, but I’m sure they understand my predicament)
16. Make sure phone bill is less than RM100 per month.(This is still happening!!)
17. Get Streamyx at home - be able to afford it..(pending)
18. Rent/Buy a place of my own..(pending)
19. Get furniture for the place of my own..(pending)
20. Get a nice sound system and TV, even if I'm not that into music nor TV.(pending)
21. Nice fridge stocked with food and snacks all the time.(pending)
22. Paint my new place with colors of my own choice.(pending)
23. Take better care of skin. (pending)
24. DO NOT BE LAZY. (PENDING)
25. Try washing my own clothes. (This may actually be working)
26. Try ironing my own clothes. (I could do better)
27. Cook (pending)
28. Wake up at 6am every morning.(NOT WORKING!!)
29. Sleep at 11pm every night.(trying very hard to do so, from 1am to 12am, getting there)
30. Read news paper daily. (Does online news paper count?)
31. Read a book a fortnight/month/week. (ACHIEVED!!! One a month I guess)
32. Try to get in da groove with music..(I omit this from my aspirations, I have music that I like, and that’s all I need)
33. Buy CD's.(pending)
34. Get a book shelf for my books (pending)
35. File my documents and put them on the shelf. (ACHIEVED!! Well, slacking on that again)
36. Get colored contact lenses (just for the fun of it).(pending)
37. Pay insurance. (ACHIEVED!!!)
38. Pay study loan (ACHIEVED!!!)
39. Take art classes. (pending)
40. Take business classes (MBA does that count.)
41. Take Public speaking classes.(pending)
42. Take Drama classes.(pending)
43. Upgrade my car.(pending)
44. Learn how to surf the internet patiently.(pending)
45. Get new shoes.(ACHIEVED!!! Need more new shoes!)
46. Start savings for my kids.(pending)
47. Keep a journal.(blog??)(starting again sort of)
48. Work at work.(ACHIEVED!! Well…)
49. Go out only on weekends.(I don’t really go out at all now.)
50. Go home after work.(ACHIEVED!!!)
51. Go over college books..(pending)
52. Visit Japan again.(pending)
53. Visit Hong Kong again.(pending)
54. Visit China again.(pending)
55. Visit Thailand again.(pending)
56. Visit Papua New Guinea again.(pending)
57. Australia.(pending)
58. Europe.(pending)
59. Definitely India.(pending)
60. Visit Grandparents in AZ.(pending for April 2006~!! DONE! May 2006 & Dec06/Jan07!!!)61. Visit uncles & cousins in AZ, CA, WA...where ever they may move to. (pending for April 2006~! DONE May 2006 & Dec06/Jan07)
62. Learn french, chinese, malay, spanish, german..(pending)
63. Go to church. (Trying to establish myself)
64. Read the bible. (pending)
65. Buy more dresses. (pending)
66. Wear more dresses.(pending)
67. Meet more people.(Not doing such a bad job)
68. Catch up with friends.(Caught up with LA here, Da, Ca, Ty in US.)
69. Dont get involved with men right now.(Well...Not doing too bad...I guess).(didn’t work)
70. Keep account of expenses. (didn’t work either)
71. Give parents money.(ACHIEVED!!)
72. Specialise in ONE programming software & language.(Pending)
73. Get and manage a credit card.(DONE!)
74. Invest in something.(Education, but I don’t think that counts.)
75. Take law.(pending)
76. Re-organise my PC, re-install all necessary programs. ( Done! My Brother did it…thanks!)77. Organise and collect software CD's.(Pending)
78. Dont miss the good movies that come out in the cinema.(Pending)
79. Try to make time for myself.(Pending)
80. DO WELL IN MY MBA!(pending)
81. Keep a planner.(ACHIEVED~!! Well, have to start that again)
82. Buy more shoes.(pending)
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
My All
People sacrifice everything they have all the time, it's no big deal. Why do people ask me why? Why can they not understand that money...things, mean nothing. If they are lost or used or given away...who cares. These things will come again, you can earn it back again. But memories , feelings, care, people, life...once they are gone, they're gone, it'll never be the same again.
I have faith that things will work out for me. Perhaps not now, perhaps not even in the near future, but soon. I have given out alot of what I have...my heart and soul, my money and future. But I believe that the things that I have done, I did them with a great intentions, and that's what counts, I guess...
It's not an easy thing to do, I can easily say. I am human, and everyone and everything around me is so materialistic. I try, sometimes I fail myself. I guess it's a test for me, perhaps a test I am putting myself through.
I could have so much more, I could be so much more, but it's okay, there is a right time for all of those selfish desires, for now, everything goes to other's selfish desires. One day they will understand, and if for some reason, they never realise. It's okay. I will walk away, with a smile, for I have given my all, and all you did was watch me in my pain and suffering, watched my frail attempts to smile for you, so that you may be happy.
I will walk away satisfied, knowing I gave you everything that I have, everything. And all I needed in return, was the time of day.
echez
I have faith that things will work out for me. Perhaps not now, perhaps not even in the near future, but soon. I have given out alot of what I have...my heart and soul, my money and future. But I believe that the things that I have done, I did them with a great intentions, and that's what counts, I guess...
It's not an easy thing to do, I can easily say. I am human, and everyone and everything around me is so materialistic. I try, sometimes I fail myself. I guess it's a test for me, perhaps a test I am putting myself through.
I could have so much more, I could be so much more, but it's okay, there is a right time for all of those selfish desires, for now, everything goes to other's selfish desires. One day they will understand, and if for some reason, they never realise. It's okay. I will walk away, with a smile, for I have given my all, and all you did was watch me in my pain and suffering, watched my frail attempts to smile for you, so that you may be happy.
I will walk away satisfied, knowing I gave you everything that I have, everything. And all I needed in return, was the time of day.
echez
Monday, February 12, 2007
What Now?
I have never felt this way before, this undenyable sense of self doubt, this overwhelming feeling of complete lack of self confidence.
I have always thought I had the answer to everything, that I could solve any problem. I have never thought that I could not do anything.
But now, I feel helpless, hopeless, that I cannot, that I cant, that I am unable. I feel so small and ignorant.
This unheartening feeling twisting inside. What I want, I dont know, what I need I cannot say. It's something that I never thought I would be without.
I use to feel tall, I use to feel strong, I use to know somewhere inside what I wanted, what I needed. But now, I know I want and I know I need, but what, I cannot perceive.
So many things I blow out of poportion, is it over analysing a situation or is that how I feel. If it is what I feel, is that wrong?Are feelings wrong. Is it my fault that I feel the way that I do about something? Anything? Can I control my feelings towards something. And if I can, should I control my feelings.
Inhibiting yourself to feel is one thing. Inhibiting yourself to act on that feeling is another. It is an already known fact that you can control your reaction to a feeling, but can you control your feelings? Can one control the way that they feel, the feeling that they get inside. The pain,the joy, the intensity of situations?
I just want to be a little girl...I just want to live, I dont want to wonder or ponder or anticipate or reciprocate. I want to fly, until I want to land, and I want to run until I want to stop.
I have always thought I had the answer to everything, that I could solve any problem. I have never thought that I could not do anything.
But now, I feel helpless, hopeless, that I cannot, that I cant, that I am unable. I feel so small and ignorant.
This unheartening feeling twisting inside. What I want, I dont know, what I need I cannot say. It's something that I never thought I would be without.
I use to feel tall, I use to feel strong, I use to know somewhere inside what I wanted, what I needed. But now, I know I want and I know I need, but what, I cannot perceive.
So many things I blow out of poportion, is it over analysing a situation or is that how I feel. If it is what I feel, is that wrong?Are feelings wrong. Is it my fault that I feel the way that I do about something? Anything? Can I control my feelings towards something. And if I can, should I control my feelings.
Inhibiting yourself to feel is one thing. Inhibiting yourself to act on that feeling is another. It is an already known fact that you can control your reaction to a feeling, but can you control your feelings? Can one control the way that they feel, the feeling that they get inside. The pain,the joy, the intensity of situations?
I just want to be a little girl...I just want to live, I dont want to wonder or ponder or anticipate or reciprocate. I want to fly, until I want to land, and I want to run until I want to stop.
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