~Red~Lemon~Grass~

Matters

2011-09-17T21:37:00.002+09:30

Theres a silence staring at the ceiling. Lights gone dim.

Was there an awkwardness, or did it just not feel the same.

Did we imagine our love away?

We knew this would happen. A figment of an imagination that surpassed reality.

An exhalation and finally, a realization, and then it's all okay.

Nothing really matters in the end. So everything in the interim, the love, the pain, the fake smiles and laughs.

Nothing really matters.

Intimate of Souls

2011-07-03T21:56:00.002+09:30

The strands of time unravelled, and we found ourselves lost, for so long it wavered in the restless wind in a silent darkness no one heard.

We searched and searched but it could not be seen, it's scent so faint, caressed the soul. We knew it was there, waved our arms and wailed a silent, bitter nothingness.

But somehow, we found each other again, our thoughts collide, just as a mountain top water drop forms the wildest rush of waves.

We swivel here and there, with nowhere to go, chained to ourselves just as we're free to our chains.

We risk our risks and prepare to fall.

Are You Scared?

2011-07-02T23:23:00.001+09:30

Does it scare you, this love that might have been and perhaps even was?

This past we shared before and cherish now, the pain of the things we made and lost?

The time that which has lapsed, it has paled the shade of black our white became. And when we meet again, I'm sure, our hearts will mend and fuse again. It will be whole again for us to break.

Does it scare you, the word of worlds, a love?

Emotions

2011-07-02T23:22:00.002+09:30

And why do we have this burning desire, to lay our eyes, our hearts, the nakedness of our thoughts upon the bare wholeness in the depth of each others reach.

And why do the words we have spoken, caress our minds, with such soft embrace, they twirl and taint and hold and touch.

And yet with an instant, a thrust and throttle of a fierceness from some force of evil irrationalization we cannot find. A thunderous roar of strength and urge, and soar and tear, to grasp, and clutch and clasp to win. But no, don't stop! For all these fears from heart to mind, cannot bear to lose it all with end.

So with it all, inside with warmth, a stillness that holds what we were as one, at least for a little moment in time.

Reflections and Projections

2011-07-02T23:05:00.002+09:30

Another reflection, or shall I say, another projection?

I don't want what I had before, I don't crave for those things that I do not have anymore.

I want new things, I want better things.

If those things are not available to me, then I want for nothing.

Why should I pine away for those things in the past? For they, very obviously, were no good at all. And as we selectively remember only the good things about the people in the past, I never for a minute wish to ever have it again.

For with all that happiness came an immense pain, that only I suffered when my heart was ripped away, it was not worth it, it is not worth it.

But ask me if I wish I had him back, ask me of I ever wish it could have been, and the answer, my friends, is no.

The One

2011-06-09T12:05:00.000+09:30

I don't want to be the I-thought-she-was-the-one-but-I-was-wrong-I'm-certain-you're-the-one girl!!

I wanna be the I-am-certain-you-are-the-one-fullstop girl!!

Healing

2011-02-25T20:53:00.000+09:30

Finding the time to heal, to concentrate on the things you have missed in your time of trial and tribulation. As I move on to the next stage of my life, I feel so decisive, so... Grown up. ZT asked me the other day; are we adults yet?

It sure seems like it. It hurts like it is.

So I suppose she's right, we're grown up. Trying to find our niche in the world. What is that one thing that is going to make you happy. It's the eternal question. And being human, it's probably to find that one person in your life that will make you smile and think, YUP, this is the life.

It's the missing link. So many people today, strive to achieve something in their lives with work and money and travels. But in the end, sad to say, it is empty alone.

I can just hear the echos shouting "I told you so" ringing in my mind.

But it will happen. I know it will. And with sheer anticipation, my dreams will come true.

Love Always Prevails

Judgement

2011-01-18T07:52:00.001+09:30

There are so many things in life that are wrong, there are so many things in life that we know are wrong, and yet we get pulled into it, we try to make justifications for it, pretending that it isnt wrong, when it is.

If it is wrong, then it is wrong, and you are doing something wrong.

We all do wrong things, and the worst part is to pretend that it isnt wrong. There are times in our lives that we are going to continue to do wrong things, but in the end, when we reflect back, dont kid ourselves by saying that it wasnt wrong.

It is wrong and what was done was wrong. Wrong to me, wrong to you and wrong to the people you love. Was I wrong? Yes, I was. And so were you. You were wrong, you are wrong!

The best part about wrong things is that you always have a chance to make it right, but only if you can first identify that it was wrong.

I have this image of love, and life. I believe in love and I believe that two people should love each other and get married, and build a family.

I do not believe in building a family without a cemented vow and bond called marriage. I do not accept that people wrecklessly have sex and produce children and are not responisble for them and are not responsible to them. Responsible to your children means being responsible in a family relationship. Being responsible for your children means loving your wife!

People who make excuses about not able to be with the other parent but who have shared a love that has resulted in Children. This is irresponsible.

I cannot and do not accept this.

If you are pregnant, you get married, if you have children, and continue to have children, get married, I do not see how one can have such a relationship. Lying and cheating, making children here and there, not getting married, not vowing your life to another person, much less your children.

I cannot accept this.

I feel sorry for the children of the world who have to endure parents who cannot even pledge their love to each other yet can say that they love their children.

I feel hatred to men who can watch their women go thru childbirth yet have the indencency to go out and sleep with another woman, to lie and cheat, while their woman are nursing the children they say they love.

And I feel hatred for women who allow for this to happen. It is wrong. I accept that it is wrong. Lying and cheating are wrong. It is wrong for another woman to accept a man that cannot accept his responsibilities.

It has no justification, it makes no sense.

=..(

2011-01-13T06:15:00.001+09:30

The beauty of a woman is in her smiles and laughter which melts your heart and rings in your ears even when she is not there. Perceive physical beauty is only skin deep and many times not enhance by smile. As age advances physical beauty fades and inner beauty if present shines forth.....
The beauty of a woman is in her care, her warm embrace, her unflinching love which will hold you in a way that no steel cage can.....

Orange Truck

2010-12-08T01:59:00.004+09:30

Did I tell you that I was almost kidnapped by a strange man in an orange truck once?

I was roller skating (yes the one with the huge rubber thing on the front), and was about 8 or 9 and this man comes driving at the end of the driveway, and he says "little girl..." and I turned to see whether he was talking to me, and then he says "little girl...can you tell me what time it is?" and so I told him it was like 3 O'Clock or something, and then he says, "what? I cant really hear you, can you come closer?" I hesitate and think...oh no! I really shouldnt be talking to strangers!

Anyways, I go closer! Right up to his window, and he's got this really long, sort of bent thing in his hand, on his lap, and he's shaking it, it's sort of bouncing a little, like people who tap their heels on the floor, and their whole leg sort of moves up and down, anyways, it was that movement.

So, then he says, I saw you and your friends feeding the horses just now, and true enough, my gal friend, her younger brother and I take a shortcut after school through that little alley/passage way that goes past a wooden fence where the horses are, and we feed them and then climb the wall over to our little apartment/unit thingys.

He says, "Do you know what this is?" sort of eyeing this thing on his lap. and it was totally on his lap, almost reaching his knee. I shake my head and say "no". He said " Do you know what boy horses have and girl horses dont?" And I had no idea what he was talking about. So he continues " It's something that boy horses have and girl horses dont have, do you know what it is?" And then I got scared and skated away as fast as I could, strutted inside and locked the door.

=( Childhood Trauma...

From Audrey Hepburn by Barry Paris, 1996, Putnam

2010-12-03T03:47:00.000+09:30

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

That's Right

2010-12-01T08:20:00.002+09:30

Love is thinking about someone more times in a day than you think about yourself...

2010-11-27T08:02:00.001+09:30

"It seems your friend is having a bit of trouble controlling his life, that's completely his own responsibility." MT

Tainted Expections?

2010-11-27T07:49:00.000+09:30

I thought I had been through it all before, but I hadn't... There must be more, and I will learn expect it.

It has been a long journey in search of what I really want in life. And as one of my exes predicted, one day I would yearn for it. One day I would be ready.

And I am, I'm ready now, more ready than ever. The things in my life are lined up, with allowances for the unexpected, which actually means that it is expected.

With this in mind, I set out again, but now I know, I am certain of what I want and need in life.

IT'S NOT OK!!

2010-11-24T09:03:00.001+09:30

I can't see it being ok. Seeing what we've seen, hearing what we've heard, being where we've been, and doing what we've done.

ITS NOT OK!!!

Pain vs Strength

2010-11-24T08:57:00.000+09:30

The way the wind sways is so hard to determine, but everyone knows the calm before the storm. Then the hot damp darkness after the wreck, reeks of death and anger.
You wonder why these things are done to you. Why the world waves your deepest desires in your face and destroys them while you struggle to grasp it's strands.
Perhaps these are the trials and training grounds for something bigger, something better.
But it sure hurts.

Pain

2010-11-22T17:38:00.003+09:30

There are no words to speak the fury that boils within me. There are but the tears of weakness that appear to the world. My heart torn from my being. My skin bare. My soul robbed of its fill.
My breath, it's so hard to breathe. I cannot lift myself from this. It has crushed into the depths of an infinity undefined.
A dream snatched from my grasp, like watching yourself disintegrate in pain before your own eyes. Unable to undo what will last your lifetime and a lifetime after you.
Oh woe, woe is me.

Sometimes

2010-09-27T09:06:00.001+09:30

There was a time when I was so sure, of you and why and how, and now I walk like a matted shade in the distance of my view. I cannot see here nor can I feel there.
And in the midst of this heart that fades in time that grows away, I do not have what I should have, I am not where I should ought to be.
Where does it go from here for far and wide there is no path, no road to pursue, no aim to abide.

The Choice For Nothing More

2010-08-25T22:05:00.002+09:30

In the days of reflection, when the path for us is drawn by all that is around us. We take on the things in our lives with such power, with such force. We fall into an aura with the confidence to conquor the world.

The byproduct washes over the edge, and find that there has been an earth shattering realisation. A realisation that what was there is not enough, that you need to kick and scream and fight because you are ready. You have found that it is time for you to leap into the air an fly.

The comfort of the nest that was built for you, with pieces of you, is no longer enough. Your world has brightened, and now you can see, that there is so much more out there. So much more than you have ever had, you see that there is so much more that you could have - And you want it.

And so as the giver, shall shrink away into the nothingness it all stemed from. To be a lost part of all the lives.

The inspiration, the love, the hope and wisdom, are gone.

There is but a shell left to decompose.

It has always been true that if there are no choices to choose, then the choice was not chosen. There has been a belief that one should see the world, and see it's brilliance, see it's beauty and magic, and if after the diamonds have sparkled in your eyes, the sweetness has swirled your tongue, you come back to find that the one right here in front of you, shines just as bright, tastes just as sweet, then you have made a choice, you have chosen.

And what more, you hold the honor to want for nothing else.

Strength

2010-08-23T21:08:00.000+09:30

"You are strong, sometimes we just need someone to remind us." BT

A Demand To Rule The World

2010-07-20T16:15:00.000+09:30

In a world where it has always been about everything else, and everyone else. About other's happiness, pride, sadness, depression and even love, at the expense of your own, there is bound to be a time and place where it's about me.

Whether it be in the confines of this place I hide myself in the face of feirce and angry world, whether it be in the confines of my mind.

I believe it's by right, the time. For me, or even part of me, though immensely hesitantly, to stand up and shout for what I want and what I need.

It is the bane of my existance to lose myself in other people.

Me me me me and Me!

2010-07-19T17:25:00.000+09:30

I wonder if I will ever be able to be okay with this situation. I believe that I am a very selfish person when it comes to love, care, attention from the people that I love the most. I want it all and I want it now!

I find that alot of times in my life, in my work and in the face of the world out there, everything is okay. But in the confines of my world, it's not okay. It's not okay that I dont get all the attention, it's not okay that there are other things and other people that are not me.

It is not okay that anyone could possibly choose anything other than me, than to be with me, than to talk to me, hang out with me, to do things that I want to do, to do things the way that I like them to be done...me me me me me!!

This self consummation, this desire to be loved to the highest degree, it screams out to the world. Where are you?!?! And why are you not here?!? Why am I still waiting?!

I have never felt this way before, I have never realised what I want and when I did I thought I didnt deserve it. But now I know what I want and I know that I do deserve it and I that is what I am looking for, everything else is sub-standard.

I have always taken sub-standard, I have always lived and suffered through it, and although it was hard, and unpleasent, I dont regret it, as it has only brought me to this point. Where I know what I want, and I am not going to accept anything that doesnt meet my expectations.

We'll see how I feel tomorrow =P

Parents In Australia

2010-07-03T09:38:00.000+09:30

My parents are here! Yahoo!! They're actually in Perth, but it's so great. It's actually my first achievement and I've been nervous about it for like so long!

It's not easy to satisfy the parents, it seems so difficult to get make them happy and proud. I think I have finally done it.

An all expense paid trip around Australia - like expenses from my pocket!

That's my whole life savings!!! LOL...my parents are expensive. It's not like I have to buy their love and respect coz I'm sure they love and respect me anyway. But it's always nice to know that you can buy them stuff or pay for stuff.

I hope they have a good time. I called them this morning coz they arrived at like 1am this morning and I was asleep. There was no one at the reception so I had to wait a few extra hours to ensure that they got there safely. When I called, they were like, echez! It's veeery cooold and mommy's sick. LOL
I'm like what? You barely just got there and you're sick!
Anyways, hope they have a good time.

Of All

2010-03-05T19:16:00.001+09:30

And there was a time when I thought I couldnt go on. When I thought that there was nothing more to life than what I saw in you. But now I can see, that there is so much more, that you would never be able to reach, that I had to reach before you, to find ahead of you, my dreams, my hopes, my love.

And there was a place that I saw myself, and when I looked around, I didnt see you. There is a place, that holds my dreams, and does not hold you.

There is a feeling, that I feel in the depths of my heart, that once lost in armored shields apears in the light of my days.

Now I peer into the future and a realisation in my mind developes into a cryptic beauty I never thought would consume me in this way.

Nothing, I find, will ever be enough.

Sure

2009-12-31T03:10:00.002+09:30

It's the last of 2009.

It's time to move on.

Goodbye - yes...to you.

2009-12-12T09:59:00.001+09:30

Once it's gone, it'll never be the same again.

Don't Cry

2009-12-05T14:33:00.001+09:30

Talk to me softly

There's something in your eyes

Don't hang your head in sorrow

And please don't cry

I know how you feel inside I've

I've been there before

Something's changing inside you

And don't you know

Don't you cry tonight

I still love you baby

Don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby

And don't you cry tonight

Give me a whisper

And give me a sigh

Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye

Don't you take it so hard now

And please don't take it so bad

I'll still be thinking of you

And the times we had...baby

And don't you cry tonight

Don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby

And don't you cry tonight

And please remember that I never lied

And please remember how I felt inside now honey

You got to make it your own way

But you'll be alright now sugar

You'll feel better tomorrow

Come the morning light now baby

And don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby

And don't you cry

Don't you ever cry

Don't you cry tonight

Baby maybe someday

Don't you cry

Don't you ever cry

Don't you cry

Tonight

Andy Lau - You Are My Lady

2009-12-01T12:23:00.003+09:30

Yi ge nü ren jiu jing wei le she me

What on earth would a woman

Hui zuo zhe yang xi sheng
Sacrifice so much for?

Yi ge nan ren jiu jing fan le she me
What crime could a man commit

Hui rang ni ru ci xin teng
That would let you feel such anguish?

Wo zai ren qun zhong si chu bu ting kuang ben
In this crowd of people, I run in all directions

Zhi wei le zhao hui na yi fen zhen
Looking only to get that piece of true love back

Yi fen bu ke neng de zhen He yi ci bu ke neng de wen
An impossible love, and one more impossible kiss

He yi ge bu ke neng de ren
And an impossible person

Liu zhu ni yi wen yi chun
I'll keep your kiss, your lips

Zai wo xin zhong ni shi wo de nü ren
In my heart, you are my woman

Liu zhu ni shen qing yan shen
I'll keep your affectionate eye-expression

Wo qing yuan huan ge fang shi qing ni zuo wo de nü ren
I'm willing to change my ways if you'll be my woman

Ji ran bu neng hao hao gen wo yi sheng
Now that it's impossible to be with you for life

Bu yao gu fu qing chun OH BABY
Don't disappoint youth, oh baby

Wo zhi qiu ni ji zhu yi ci yong heng
I just want you to remember this one eternity

Na yi shun hui mou shi fen
The moment when we turned our heads away

Xiang ni zhe yi ge zhi de ai de nü ren
A woman deserving of love, like you

Jiao wo zen bu neng wei ni xin teng
How could I not feel anguish for you?

You yua wei he bu you fen You meng ye wei he bu cheng zhen
How can we have fate, but not destiny? Why won't these dreams come true?

Liang ke xin peng a zhuang a yi sheng
Our two hearts are colliding for life

Liu zhu ni yi wen yi chun
I'll keep your kiss, your lips

Zai wo xin zhong ni shi wo de nü ren
In my heart, you are my woman

Liu zhu ni shen qing yan shen
I'll keep your affectionate eye-expression

Wo qing yuan huan ge fang shi qing ni zuo wo de nü ren
I'm willing to change my ways if you'll be my woman

Mei you ren yuan ba xin ai de ren
No one would be willing to to let someone they loved

Rang ling yi fu chun shen shen yu ta re wen
Be caught in a passionate kiss from other lips

Nan ren bu dong de qu fen Shei shi yi sheng de ban lü
Men just don't know how to realize who is their lifelong partner

Cai wu xing yi hai nü ren OH
So they hurt women without leaving a trace, oh

Liu zhu ni yi wen yi chun
I'll keep your kiss, your lips

Zai wo xin zhong ni shi wo de nü ren
In my heart, you are my woman

Liu zhu ni shen qing yan shen
I'll keep your affectionate eye-expression

Wo qing yuan huan ge fang shi ai wo de nü ren WO
I'm willing to change my ways to love my woman, oh

Cuo le guo le shi yuan fen Ni liu de shen de shi shang hen
Affinity passed us by, and you're left with scars

Zu gou wo hui wei yi sheng
It's enough for me to ponder over my life

AI ni xiang ni dao yong heng Wo pan a wang a ni de chun
Loving you, thinking of for eternity, I yearn for your lips

He shi neng yu ni zai shen shen de yi ge wen
When will I be able to kiss you deeply once more?

Intrinsic

2009-12-01T09:58:00.001+09:30

There is a love so deep that it surpasses any physical attribute that exists as matter. There is a touch, a taste, a hug and cuddle that grasps firmly at the heart yet not in struggle, in a fierce gentleness so great it cannot be contained. As bodies intertwine with an intense passion, the purity of warmth, the air light, twirling in it's midst. It's not enough to smile. There is no expression prominent enough to give it the justice it deserves.

My skin, touching your skin, your heart touching my heart. And in an instant the world around you disappears. A shield around two bodies naked in the night. Tenderness radiates, circulates, emanates. I look into your eyes, and you look into mine. And we know.

2009-11-30T16:51:00.000+09:30

I do not want to plan anymore, all I want to do is live my life, with nothing in my mind. If I lose my job, then I will do the things that I want to do. I will travel the world and live off of gruel and odds and ends. Until I find my way again.

I am lost.

Indigo

2009-11-24T11:44:00.000+09:30

He looks for me in the dark, when the moon dresses for an evening out. He takes my hand and I feel his soft lips as this field, so strong, embraces the smile of my skin.

When he finds me, the air around radiates rings as the twinkles of the silver chime.

And the mount of anger from all it's winds couped into a cage to burst, dissipates with a puff of sparkles, glitter in the night's strong pitch.

He sees the world within him change, tries on all the colors that no longer seem to fit.

But soon enough we'll all mould ourselves back into the blankets of safety we stow away for days like these.

In a world so filled with life, there's a hollow bored into our souls.

If

2009-11-17T11:03:00.001+09:30

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;

If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And — which is more — you'll be a Man my son!

~Rudyard Kipling~

Strength

2009-11-17T08:04:00.000+09:30

What does it mean to be strong? I always had this image that personal strength meant that in times of grief and sorrow, we could stand tall, and face the reality of what life presents to us, after all, if we take a step back, what does it all really mean?

In time everything is meaningless. Love that was shared will diminish, lives that were shared will diminish, into thin air. Everything changes, everything moves on. We want to believe that life has a deeper meaning, but does it?

What we know and what we feel, what happens to that in the end?

We make decisions in our lives that we know will hurt us. With a clean slate it is obvious to sight, but to one that holds a mess of scar? Does it stand out enough to be noticed? Or is it dug into an unhealed and supple place.

It really only takes one in a billion, a droplet in a snow storm to make a shift, and who would have thought a dream would turn to a nightmare come true with but a single stray thought.

And had it been known, of course it was known, would it take the same path twice? I suppose it wouldn't. Fear holds us all in contempt.

So let's have it, if strength is to face reality and to accept it indifferent, and life is just the thoughts, the emotions that we create and submerge ourselves in, then the reality is what we create, and perhaps, to be strong is to lead a life that is controlled by the refined sophistication of knowledge.

We are not stupid. We know, we act, we take responsibility, and in the end, we should feel it, then smile, then let it go, never to forget, and always to reminisce . To know the system, and to overcome it. That is strength

I'm sorry

2009-10-30T23:09:00.000+09:30

And I wandered out into the wild and I was taken by the beast that they call love, hidden in fire that they call life. And they covered my eyes so that I could not see, but I could hear and feel and taste and smell, but I did not believe. And so I took a step, further than I could ever reach. And then I fell. And all I could tell myself when I tried to get up was that if I hadnt taken that step, I would have never been satisfied with myself. My life would have never been complete. And so I gave myself that justification. But did that save me from the pain that I induced? No.

Am I satisfied at what I have done? No.

And so now I know, that there is no such thing as a happiness you strive to find, that no matter how real it seems to be, it never is. There will always be something missing. Or somthing more. Somthing more that should not be there. And sometimes that something more is you yourself.

Would I do it again if life would repeat itself? No. Does that mean that I regret the things that I have done that have led me into this predicament? No.

I am hurt and thus so many others. And pain is always good. Pain is always the root of the education of our lives. It is the exercise of our muscles. The strongest of all. The heart.

And so the story continues, less you, equal to me.

I'm sorry to you whom have put trust in me, that I have severed it. I never held it in contempt, until I did, I do not deny, and I am sorry.

Ajar

2009-10-22T22:38:00.005+09:30

There is only so much a single person can do. We are people of capacity, once we have reached the maximum capacity, something starts to fall apart.

Love - of course love. We are only human, we do not have an eternal source of love. We wish we had, but unfortunate to say, we do not.

There's a jar, and if you like, the jar can be refilled, but we canot change the size of the love jar. Nope, the jar is all you got.

We can choose to use it up on one person, or we could choose to use it up on more than one person. But that would mean that this jar of ours would have to be shared. Now who would ever really want a shared jar?

Let's not even talk about love, let's talk about time. How much time could you possibly have to dissipate your care, attention, your love and even your hate?

Let's just say that we are all limited to a certain degree, and so, is it possible to love more than one person? I suppose so. But is it possible to have more than one love jar? Nope. And we're not talking about parental love or sibling love, or love of children or friends. It's about the ultimate love, the love that brings two people together forever. A love above all.

We are all looking for the love jar that has only our name engraved onto it. I haven't found mine yet.

Pythagoras

2009-10-22T22:23:00.000+09:30

Do I think that he is messing with me? That just becuase he belongs in a part of society that is stereotyped to have a bias against the way that I look? No, I don't, and even if it were true, I am not afraid. What have I not gone through in my life that could make me afraid of the type of person that I could possibly find underneath it all.

I am not afraid becuase I am looking for someone to share my thoughts with, someone whom I am able to count on to talk to me, to comfort me when I am down. Someone to make me laugh and smile. And nothing more. I am not seeking a wonderful love and marriage. Not from someone whom I have just met.

The most important thing to me right now is to be able to smile while I live this part of my life. I realised that I cannot have more than that right now, becuase if you have no foundation, how can you expect a tower to be erected? Out of nowhere? Who in their right mind would ever trust that it would be stable?

The best thing about meeting someone new is that everything is new and intriguing. I have no doubt that in time that this will slowly fade away. I've seen it enough. How much could two people possibly have to say to each other?

It's not about the being there, it is about the being able to express yourself in a way that is sincere and genuine. I am only myself in the presence of the closest people in my life.

The people who have been there when I cry. Those are the people who are the closest people in my life. I cry alot, but only two or three people in that I hold close have actually, physically been there to hold me.

I think that might be what I continuously look for. I suppose eventually, the pillows just arent enough.
I have many by the way...pillows, never neglect the pillows.

Induction

2009-10-22T08:47:00.000+09:30

I've been in Gove for a little more than a year now. It's high time to analyse the situation, as I always do. One thing that I find is constant all over the world is love.

People everywhere are in constant search for that one thing that tugs at their heart. It's such a little thing, such a frivolous feeling, but it's an addiction that everyone searches for.

I can only appreciate that through all my travels and experiences, that this is a constant factor. It's a security blanket for me to be able to gauge the people around me with the mere basics. The feeling of love.

Does this mean that I do believe in love? That love is no longer an illusion? No, I don't think that day will come. Love as a feeling. The feeling of love, can we compare that with the feeling of warmth, and hurt and pain?

If so then love, like these feelings, is never constant. Unless there is an external source to induce it. Keep the source constant and you may well have your answer to all your heart's desires.

最後一次完整感人版

2009-10-19T16:18:00.000+09:30

Was

2009-10-16T20:54:00.000+09:30

And in a flash, it all disappears. The fountains which once splashed with joy at every wordly instance, has now faded into but a pale memory.

What it meant before no longer means, such a strain, to hear the music play.

Striving to reach into the depth to reel to surface the intensity that was there before, but no longer is. It's such a shame that it was here but has now gone.

How do we get it back? We can't. It will never look the same, it will never be the same. Such a shame.

Ni Na Me Ai Ta

2009-10-11T23:42:00.013+09:30

直到爱消失　你才懂得
Zi dao ai xiang shi ni cai dong de

Only when love disappears, you will realize
去珍惜身边每个, 美好风景
Qu jeun si shen bian mei ge, Mei hao fong jing
to treasure the beautiful scenery,
只是他早已离去
Ji shi ta zao yi li qu
but it is long gone
直到你想通　他早已经　不再对你留恋
Zi dao ni xiang tong ta zao yi jing, Bu zai dui ni liu lian
When you finally realize, she no longer wants to stay.
最后的你　开始了一段挣扎
Zui hou de ni, Kai shi le yi duan zhen zang
It's the end of you and the beginning of a length of struggle
Chorus
你那么爱他,　为什么不把他留下
Ni na me ai ta, Wei shen me bu ba ta liu xia
You love her so much, why didn't you ask her to stay?
为什么不说心里话
Wei shen me bu shuo xin li hua
Why don't you say what's in your heart?
你深爱他　这是每个人都知道啊
Ni sheng ai ta, Zhe shi mei ge ren dou zi dao ah
You love her so much, everyone knows this.
你那么爱他为什么不把她留下
Ni na me ai ta, Wei shen me bu ba ta liu xia
You love her so much, why didn't you ask her to stay?
是不是你有深爱的两个他
Shi bu shi ni you sheng ai de, liang ge ta
Is it because you love the both of them
所以你不想再让自己　无法自拔
Shuo yi ni bu zai xiang rang zi ji, Wu fa zi ba
That's why you don't want to let yourself get into a difficult situation.
Repeat

The Journey Begins

2009-10-11T23:29:00.002+09:30

[MALE]

nee enthan anbe

uyirodhu kathal kalanthene

intha kathal valkai

maru jenmam tharuviya

[FEMALE]

varutham vendham kathala

piriyum valkai illaiyadha

enthan valkaiyum naan valnthal

athu unnudhen thanedha

[MALE]

ithuve pothume

azhagane anbu kathaliye

varthaigal illaiye

intha valkai pothume

[FEMALE]

en azhaga arugil vaa

ithu kanave illaiyadha

un anbe pothume

ithu mel ethu vendhume

[FEMALE]

kangal kanner varuthey

intha kathal unnai vittu piriyathey

[MALE]

malargal pol irukirai

ennai annaikke thudhikirai

kulintharaye en nanbannadhi

magilnthene en argunalil

kathali oh uyir kathali

[MALE]

nee enthan anbe

uyirodhu kathal kalanthene

intha kathal valkai

maru jenmam tharuviya

[FEMALE]

varutham vendham kathala

piriyum valkai illaiyadha

enthan valkaiyum naan valnthal

athu unnudhen thanedha

[MALE]

valnthal unnudhen valven

maranam vanthal thanimeiyil selluven

[FEMALE]

thanimeiyil ponaiya

ennai vittu selvayai

ezhu jenmanggal unnodhu than

maranam vanthallum kathal pirivu illaiye

oh ohh uyir kathalane

[MALE]

ithuve pothume

azhagane anbu kathaliye

varthaigal illaiye

intha valkai pothume

[FEMALE]

en azhaga arugil vaa

ithu kanave illaiyadha

un anbe pothume

ithu mel ethu vendhume

Because Of You

2009-10-11T23:00:00.000+09:30

I will not make the same mistakes that you did 
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery 
I will not break the way you did 
You fell so hard 
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far 

Because of you 
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk 
Because of you 
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt 
Because of you 
I find it hard to trust 
Not only me, but everyone around me 
Because of you 
I am afraid 

I lose my way 
And it's not too long before you point it out 
I cannot cry 
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes 
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life 
My heart can't possibly break 
When it wasn't even whole to start with 

Because of you 
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk 
Because of you 
I learned to play on the safe side 
So I don't get hurt 
Because of you 
I find it hard to trust 
Not only me, but everyone around me 
Because of you 
I am afraid 

I watched you die 
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep 
I was so young 
You should have known better than to lean on me 
You never thought of anyone else 
You just saw your pain 
And now I cry 
In the middle of the night 
For the same damn thing

Because of you 
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk 
Because of you 
I learned to play on the safe side 
So I don't get hurt 
Because of you 
I tried my hardest just to forget everything 
Because of you 
I don't know how to let anyone else in 
Because of you 
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty 
Because of you 
I am afraid 

Because of you
Because of you

~Kelly Clarkson~

Correct Our Mistakes

2009-10-11T21:12:00.000+09:30

It's always easy to offer what is not yours to give. But what is it like to contemplate the acceptance of something that will never be given to you. The acceptance of a hope of nothing?

It has always been a little bit of love and a vast enormity of hurt. So harden up b*tch, and get your fruggin act together.

And so it was.

I'm taking a step to hurt you and to hurt me, and so our lives can move on. Whatever it moves onto is beside the point, the point is that it has to move on.

I want what you have, and the knowledge that you have it and do not appreciate it, haunts me. What more can you possibly ask for? Look at you, look at your life, look at the beautiful things in your life. Look how they embrace you, look how you embrace them. How can your life not be complete?

The grass is always greener.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far...

~Kelly Clarkson~

Shopping?

2009-10-10T05:42:00.000+09:30

I went shopping, I was feeling like shite and I went shopping. And then I realized that I have been watching too many movies.

I have always had this messed up idea that shopping would cure it all.

And so I put on a dress, showed off my newly pedicured pink toe nails, in my overly expensive heels, accessories, make up and a dab of lip gloss.

I was ready to max out my credit card if it would make me feel better...

Five hundred thirty bucks and ninety cents later. I decided to call it quits. Shopping does NOT make me feel any better about anything, in fact it makes me feel horrible. I do not take joy in shopping. It does not give me the immense pleasure that all the girls make it out to be.

And so I sat there, exhausted, and feeling worse than when I started. I started to think why? Why cant this simple thing - shopping make me feel better?

And so I blame it on my mom, as we do, that I was not trained to do so and therefore I don't know how. Sometimes I just cant see why I work so hard to go the the mall and pay for stuff that I don't really need nor want.

I do admit though that some of the stuff looks pretty, but for what purpose?

Anyways I am still trying to figure it out.

Realization And Actuallization

2009-10-10T04:44:00.000+09:30

I'm back and ready to rock!

A week ago today, I left, I really needed to go, I needed to get out of here, and I went back into civilization and now I'm good. I needed to get my head around the things going on in my life. I was straying away from what I have always lived for, and the me that I had always known. My spiritual and emotional life has always been the core of my existence.

My morals and values were so overwhelmed by my environment, and I couldn't bear to look at myself and be okay with what I was becoming, my insides were slowly rotting and I could just hear and feel it seeping through. But now I know.

Now I can see what I need to do, what I need to become.

Crash

2009-10-10T04:32:00.001+09:30

And when I heard it, it paused my heart, and when I saw them run, it crushed me. And you were there, and overwhelmed, in my mind you grasped me and held me tight. And I saw in your eyes, and I felt in the air, that you'd never let me go. And it was pained, for it could not be so. And I had to stand and hope and wish and think, and like a snail, shrivel away, into a smile I did not mean.

Do You Miss Me?

2009-10-06T23:25:00.000+09:30

When

2009-10-01T20:03:00.001+09:30

I looked into your eyes and I thought I saw. And when you smiled I knew I was right. But did I know that it would be like this? Could I have ever imagined what was beyond what eyes could see? Never did I think that fate would bring me to this. This that which is there, that which I cannot persue, then which I cannot endure, thus I can never indulge. What a sigh I breath as I walk on, to seek with a great aspiration to find. The strength to leave equal the strength to stay, equal the strength to do nothing and give in to the weak. Tomorrow I will go, and I will leave all the things that hurt my heart, and all the things that core my hurt. That vein from nothing and vine on all.

2009-10-01T20:02:00.002+09:30

I will miss nothing for there is no worth in missing pain. What was had no longer is. To strive is to be ignorant of the grasp of the nature in the universe. Once it's yours it will be so forever, until the day that you die. There is no turning back, and there is no need to. Not for me, not for you, but for the person next to you, and the person who is part of you. There is no place for me, not now, not ever. And I shall bow away, shriveled into a truth not even you can deny.

There Is Nothing Here For You

2009-09-29T23:46:00.000+09:30

The fountain of smiles have drained from here - from a heart that no longer wants to feel.
So bland that as the wings soar, it is no longer with joy and gaiety, yet with aimlessness and doubt.
Nothing is of essence.
Live and let live. And dont ever come back.

I Love Her

2009-09-29T23:19:00.000+09:30

I got talking to a guy the other day, and we stumbled upon a topic in which this whole site is based - love.
He said, with this intese, yet calming and certain tone "I love her".

And it hit me like nothing has before. How wonderful for a man to relive his love in the complexities of the day.

It made me long for the day when a man will go out into the world, and think of nothing more, hope for nothing more, than to love me above any other.

There are alot of things that people can say about love, but there's no mistaking that which comes from the heart.

To You

2009-09-28T17:00:00.006+09:30

You say that you're my friend. But you're not.You say that you are here for me. But you're not.
You say that you care for me but you dont! I'm sorry that I believed you. I'm sorry to you and I am sorry to myself that I believed it. I dont need it. I dont want it anymore. A burden it shall always be to anyone who dares to call me a friend. I will cry. And I will cry and cry and cry, until the anger swells in my eyes.
Until my heart is no longer weary. And then I will be strong. And when I smile at you, know, that you did nothing, and when I call you a friend, you can try to remember when you were there for me, but you never will - because you weren't.

Togetherness

2009-09-28T11:36:00.004+09:30

I step in to the darkness. The darkenss blinds me. I reach out to feel the hope in the nothingness in front of me. Not a flinch to be felt, not a sentiment to touch.

The spears spiralling towards me, I can feel them coming. From where I cannot see. I am blinded as they bask in the kindness I cannot hide away. I ask why, but there is no why.

Inert

2009-09-28T11:32:00.004+09:30

If only the wind would show me the way. I'd follow.
If only the flames painted me a path, I'd walk.
But what would it be to trail along a track? To be led and not to lead.
Has it never been before?
That you had taken that in which was never offered,
To strengthen and build for them what would never be yours?
No! The path of stones in which you wrote,
They had always let you through.
But what would it be had you chosen the choice
To be led and not to lead.
Would you survive the test of time? Or I.

Forever Blue

2009-09-28T11:20:00.003+09:30

There is always someone somewhere, that insists on making these fine intricate carvings. Albiet intensely and satisfyingly beautiful; after the cocooning period of course.
There are always reprocussions to our actions.
Mine, I am beginning to see. Yours, will be realised in time.
Look closely, scars, forever inscribed.

0000

2009-09-25T08:12:00.004+09:30

There has always been a force, driving your weakness into strengths. You've lived in this privilege for so long that it seems such an exhausting plague, plastering your being. Every step you try to take buries you further into a merciless fortress, spinning ten feet above you.

You try to hold on, to find a little piece of your anchor, but it slips beyond your reach time and again.

You close your eyes, holding the reflection of your desire, craving for something to Stop!

Stop this circulation, stop these blemishes appearing from your already worn and spotted slate! Stop these torches boring holes into your skin!

And in a moment, your breath is knocked away. You gasp and gleam from the very tips of your fingers.

You take a drag, the crisp dewed air cools depth of your mind, the little rays bounce from your eyes.

There is an energy that growls from every muscle fatigued. You stretch and reach for the blue in the morning sky. When you look, you can see. When you reach you can grasp, and when you smile, you can live.

2009-09-24T16:08:00.004+09:30

Tastes salty to the touch of my tongue, this fear.
And then a bitter sense of sweetness, lingers on my lips.
It swirls in my mind, tingles the light my of skin.
It encroaches my thoughts, scrambles the liquid of my heart.
It sways, it rips, it tears.
I tear.

Billions

2009-09-14T14:51:00.005+09:30

But if it was a million miles to walk,
A million miles to journey through the mind,
And a million more to synchronise the beating of hearts.

If the prison gates left ajar,
Would you take the leap of faith,
A million miles into the ocean at large
To swim a million miles towards the sky
And stare into the starless clouds.

Would it be the same after all these trials?
Would it be enough to last - A million years?

Dreams

2009-09-13T20:35:00.002+09:30

Do you know that in the night
When I sit and think
I think of you

My thoughts linger into an intrinsic love
One intriguing to such an extent
That there could be nothing more
Nothing more in the world that could possibly
replace it.

It would be complete.
There would be nothing more that one could ask for.

There would be complete satisfaction.
A contendedness that fills the meaning of sunshine in the morning.

We'd fight as fierce lions
We'd logic with enviable passion
We'd cry our laughter and laugh our cries.

and You and I,
we would sit and smile.

Wilderness

2009-09-12T22:08:00.002+09:30

I travel back into the wild we once knew. I hear the leaves rustle in the wind. The greens sway in the ripples of the still water. The wild coos. I wonder why all the things in the nature of things sway towards the wind - they always sway back.

I stand on the black of rock and wonder where they've been. Not a cloud in the sky, not a voice to shout. I wonder what's beneath the calm. The scene so full, yet so empty, so much space to be filled.

I wonder what they coo about, the wild.

There

2009-09-12T09:32:00.002+09:30

What would a touch feel like if it would land on the soft of the skin, flow through the breast of the pounding heart.It's unwaivering sense of presence, it's weight upon the touch of the nakedness. Can you imagine the urge of being there,endlessly fuming for the minute space that determines the truth of all your lust, the difference between nothingness and the bond of intense love.
The furious attraction between what you have and what you want. The tragedy of it all, the awe of all of it. You can only reach, with a true uncertainty, for the cottonous nothing before you.
And imagine the fabulous world ahead, something you will never be able to endure.Nor I.
And then what do you have?

We

2009-09-12T09:24:00.003+09:30

I dont want to see the breeze whisk away my love.I dont want the waves whirl away my heart. I want to hear the scale of triumph sing against my bosom.I want the warmth of passion upon my skin. I heed the touch of souls upon my breath.Of memories engraved, of happiness enslaved.I miss you.

2009-09-12T09:16:00.005+09:30

Souls that have touched, hearts that are linked,
Lives that are joined and cannot be parted.
Time, distance, just creations of man's mind.
Measurement's spelt out to a scale that can be overcome.
Love is true and cannot divide into parts.
It is unending, eternal and forever I carry you in my heart,
We are always together.
~naue~

Distance

2009-09-12T09:11:00.003+09:30

It weighs so heavy, it hangs above me,

It is a wall that keeps us apart.

To tear it down, to throw it off,

To run those miles, and cross that crevasse

Is my desire, my only wish.

But for two hearts truely joined

There are no walls, distance - No object.

The sound of your voice, your laughter, your sadness, your joy,

Fill my ears

Fill my thoughts

I know true joy and that this test we shall pass.

~naue~

29/08/09

I'm Sorry

2009-09-12T09:04:00.005+09:30

I am honoured and humbled that you can tell me your thoughts, but sad that they are unhappy, sad that I was not there in the flesh to give you the comfort you needed. To say you have no friends is wrong. If I end up being nothing else with you, a friend I will always remain. For all your challenges, you have a strength, passion and outlook on life that inspires me. For meeting you I am grateful and I hope we can keep alive something that we have shared.
~G~

~Ephesians 2:8-10~

2009-09-12T09:01:00.001+09:30

"For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."
~Ephesians 2:8-10~

A Voice That Smiles

2009-09-06T16:50:00.010+09:30

A voice that smiles
Like summer sun it warms me
It fills my soul, it replenishes me
It is the sustenance to go on
Belief, Hope one without the other
A mere pebble on the ocean floor
Combined, more power than any man can know
The strength to go forward, to carry on
When all else seems beyond me.
So? Such a small thing?
A voice that smiles?

~naue~

GADDAMNIT

2009-09-03T23:35:00.001+09:30

Gaddamnit! You know how sometimes you get your hopes up and gather all your guts and work up all your cowardly courage to say something to someone or to confront someone, and you've finally put your foot down and said to yourself, OK!!! This is it, there's no turning back and you're all siked and pumped up, and then you finally take a step towards this person, and you walk thru the door, and....they're not there. You finally get to dialling the numbers and....it rings and rings and rings...and just keeps ringing...until the woman on the other ends picks up and says "I'm sorry..."and you dont ever stick around to hear the end of the sentence, but you can imagine.

I'm sorry echez, you are such an idoit!
I'm sorry, the number you have called is ignoring you.
I'm sorry, the number you have called is much too busy to answer your call!
I'm sorry!

Yeah, well, I'm sorry too!

What was I thinking? Maybe I wasnt, maybe I dont want to but I should.

Maybe I should be the one to take a stand, I keep asking myself why I always have to be the one to give up what I want for the sake of other people.

*sigh*

I guess it's because I have to take responsibility for the situation that I have put myself into.

I will blame myself and no one else, for getting myself into the position that I am in. I knew it from the beginning, and hey, I made the decision.

Was it worth it? I dont know, is pain ever worth it?

*sigh*

The worst thing is to be alone in pain. Nothing is worth being alone in this world.

joyeux anniversaire

2009-09-02T22:44:00.002+09:30

It is time to send a wish out to the people in my life that are getting more the wiser yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I just want to say that you are the one who has participated in my life, who has made a huge part of me alive, and have contributed to what makes me who I am, and I am eternally grateful for the day that you were brought into this world, and to the day that the paths of our souls collided.

My life's quest has been a continual search for that something that triggers my inspiration, and lights up my being and in return sparks, lights and spreads.

That's what you are for me, I cannot tell you why, I dont think I know why, but I know it is.

Red, today, when there is red, you must smile. For Red brings forth prosperity... and then, your one true wish may just come true.

~joyeux anniversaire~

Where?

2009-08-29T19:24:00.001+09:30

Which way is it looking? This life of mine?
Is my search too extensive, is my hope too large?
What is it that i look to find?
Is that why I have not found what I seek?
The love songs ring in my ear, in a language I cannot comprehend for it seems so foriegn to me.
Who am I saving my kisses for? And where is he? Why does he not appear to me?
How much longer must I wait to realise what my purpose here is?
My head is churning, my heart is choking on the emptiness.
Is it the cry of realisation that I hear?
If I could turn the if's and thens, would there be grubs or beautiful greens to grow?
To live in the past only proves that there will never be a future.
But what is the future if there is no past to prove?

In And Out Of Love

2009-08-26T08:57:00.002+09:30

If I had wings, I'd fly with your soul

In and out of Love

No doubt we all search and follow our hearts

Into and out of Love

I would never need anything more than to take that journey with you.

If one day you find, that you can journey no more,

I'd be there, to hold your heart, your soul,

In or out of Love

If I could show you the depths of my heart,

Would you fly with me?

Into and out of Love

~echez~

Heaven!...or Not...

2009-08-26T08:50:00.004+09:30

Do they smile at you? These eyes that look into the stars with a longing desire so bitter. The flickers of it's candle cradles your smiles and asks your heart why it cries.

The craters in your heart fill with a mud that you cannot remove, nor reverse, they've created a pattern on your wall. They cannot be erased yet you feel a sudden comfort. You cannot find the North you're looking for.

It's hard to bear, the essence of deceit, reeks with a stench that trails for miles. Do you laugh to mask the hurt?

Do you believe that it will go away? Like a tail it will follow you, until you find yourself falling in the wind.

The cloud so thick now, so grey with a pain you cannot depict. It will last until the next moon shines.

For Now and For Never

2009-08-24T11:34:00.001+09:30

If you saw the earth from the sea below, would you scream and shout or drown your sorrows in the salt of horrors.
We breath the whispers of air and you feel it as you swallow the truth you created.
Our hearts slither back and forth, wanting, urging, pleading yet not able to have, the consequences boil, ever ready to spill.
Was taking what you wanted worth it's essence? Has all this become a nothingness that will be forgotten in the time that inevitably follows?
Was their foundation enough a strong hold? To bring the future into the now?
There is nothing now, not a hope to forward bear.
How much does it take for one to see, immediate joys are never worth it's future consequences.
Until that day comes, we will never be able to accept the present.
To sacrifice what you do not need for what you already have, have you weighed out their worth?
It is me who will watch the lives I destroy, with my own two eyes, and a heart I will never forgive.

Do You Believe in Magic

2009-08-19T10:18:00.001+09:30

Why do we encounter such unbearable circumstances,
In which we suffer to accept.
Can we see the righteous from the wrong?
So many things things seem so easy from the counter which I stand
Yet I seem to have a view from above the arc
Telling me the center is not of me.
Not until the love of life
The matching soul in this universe appears in my living dream.
So does this wine enhance my troubled mind?
Or does it weary my determined soul.

In this little space of change, how do you reach for something that's not there?
How do you ask for something that hurts your heart.
What do I see in his grey green eyes that cloulds the thoughts I hold so dear?
At the expense of love and a heart I fear.
Through an aching passion that I urge to extinguish,
Yet what justifies an unhappiness which stems from love.
How much is hope worth to call it the saviour to what's lost; - what can and will be lost.
Surely it's worth's more than regret that fills the mass of shining stars.
How sure is sure that falters in it's sparks of certainty?
For that the intertwine of such intense of intellect, what could possibly alter the happiness induced.
I cannot say.

~zeue~

116

2009-08-18T08:18:00.004+09:30

There is so much I long to see, so much I long to have. Dont they tell us that longing for someone or something means that we are not appreciating what we already have? The vows we made, we took the risk of forever, knowing that there would be no turning back, but now we turn our heads to look, and long.

For what is the true meaning of love "which alters when it alteration finds...".

SONNET 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

~Shakespear~

Excerpts Of A Daily Life

2009-07-26T15:41:00.003+09:30

Can you imagine the sun, penetrating into the pink orange sky it creates, a harsh force of wind, pounding in the trees. The deer running with all it's might. Can you feel the explosion of rain onto your face, your mouth and your hair.

A smooth caress onto my skin. Clutched together in warmth a thick eagerness can be felt emerging. A heart so tender in the dawn, a body so light. There's nothing better than the exchange of an ever sacred passion before the day ahead.

A million kisses to the scent of a rose, the seduction of a warm breath, pleading for a slight caress. Araging flame searching for a calm. Intensity surges as want becomes need. If more was a cloud we'd pass thru to see our heavens. The high of our lives would be in the togetherness apart.

I wonder as I stare into the starless sky, filled with haze and gloom, that where you are, it's clear, and you can see wach and every little sparkle, counting the joys in your life. If there were a star, I'd wish upon a love to cherish. My one true love, for all the children in the world, and for me. I try to grasp the life flowing from the mending hole in my heart. To release my sheild, vulnerable, my fear is that my love is not enough, insufficient for those who need more than I can give.

In the coldest night, would you hold me in your arms and not let me go? We'd be as one in the light, swaying moments. For a second it'd be still, there'd be a oneness. A slow caress to sooth the aching soul. Longing for more...sensing a stinging desire.

Moonlit Verandah

2009-07-08T23:08:00.001+09:30

The moon stared at me last night, it showed it's light upon my life. I looked up into it's face and I felt it. I felt it's rays from my heart. I felt that inspiration sprouting from my veins. I wanted to run into a great abyss and stare. I could almost feel it's warm embrace.

I dont know what to say.

How does one respond to a heart that touches the depth of the soul? It searches for an answer that cannot be found. It yearns for the missing caress. One that will never be reached. How tragic of life to finally find what it's always been longing for. After all this time. After so much that cannot be changed, that may not want to be changed. Are we destined to be without? Are we destined to watch our dreams pass by while our choices area lived?

Perhaps it's an illusion that fades with the color it brings. The ease of it's comfort just as the ease of it's pain.

What ever happened to the love that we made, the ones that we created? They are there to remind us of what we once held, together. How could it ever be that it floated away. Where did it go? Will we ever find it again?

Why is it that we cannot find the answer to our moving desires, the wind that twirls, the air that chokes when we sit alone, searching, telling the stories that abandons our fear.

The World of Hope

2009-06-24T08:56:00.001+09:30

The time has finally come to take a step forward. I have put alot of time and effort into mourning and trying to justify the events that took place over 8 months ago. The intensity of it's effects upon my soul has once again brought it into a state of dullness.

The advancement in my career that has come as a by product of such events can and will never stand justification for the sorrow, nothing on the earth can substitute nor recover the loss of faith in the flesh and blood of the ever loathed illusion of the word "Love".

As I grow through my path, I find myself lost for words, as a child lost, I cannot regain the slightest fragment of existance.

But I have come to accept what was not mine to begin with.

I have a wonderful life, and to the fullest I will live it.

Saturday and Sunday

2009-02-08T15:24:00.000+09:30

It's good to have my legs back, although I still cant really run. I actually havent tried to run, I'm just trying to take it easy. Saturday I went with the guys to the beach, at first we went to the dock to do some fishing, it was really really boring, I was really tired too but you cant just not go. It's a team thing. Anyways after that, everyone went to the beach, set fire to an uprooted tree, it was really nice, there was a nice sea breeze, got to hang out the the boys, got to see them do boy things.

They caught a shark! It was a small one, maybe a yard, it was awesome. Then they whacked it around a little, whacked peoples butts with it, boys will be boys ya know. It was very funny.

Sometimes it's really boring to sit there and talk boy stuff, they talk about sports that I'm not really into, cars that I'm not really into, you know, stuff like that which makes it hard. It's hard for me to just listen all the time.

Maybe I'm just a real bitch...:P

Over and Out

2009-01-31T02:40:00.003+09:30

The past few months have been very shaky for me. Things that should have ended did not end because there was a twist in the plot. I am learning, and I am growing strong. Sooner or later I have to pick myself up and go on with life. With or without the things that I do or do not want.

I think I might have lost myself these past few years, or perhaps I was always lost and am still looking for the way, you know, the path.

I still don't know which way I'm headed but I know it's not backwards. I have spent much too much time back there. But there will be no more of that crap. I have ex's and ex ex ex ex's looking for me and suddenly coming out of nowhere. It's like I send out this vibe every time I'm single again. And suddenly there are calls, and invitations, people that I thought I would never see again, they suddenly pop up out of nowhere. It's like dude, I just broke up! And yes, I was in a relationship that I will always value, it's not just going to disappear, because to me, it was real. It was my commitment, which was pried out from under me.

But that's not the point, the point is, that it's so weird that people that I haven't heard from for ages and ages pop up, like now. And the worst thing is they're like, oh remember this and that, and us and etc, and I'm like um, wait, I have actually archived this, and I have to pull it back out...

And then I try to remember and then it's like digging myself an emotional hell hole. Sheish, I'm vulnerable right now! Leave me alone...sheish.

OR maybe it's just coz it's Chinese New Year, and that's what people do is call up other people and catch up and I'm just over thinking the whole situation.

Probably the latter. Anyhow, I had a few calls from a number of people who have once made me cry. It's actually significant despite the fact that I'm like the crying equivalent of a really rainy season.

So anyway the point of this message, mostly to myself is that, yes, I am by myself. And it's cool. I'm done with sacrificing who I am for people who just down right don't appreciate me.

Which comes back to ALL of the things that I have always written about. Is finding that person who will appreciate who I am, and I have added another thing, is that he must be able to trust in me. Trustworthy, is a given, you got to be that.

If you deserve to be loved by me, then I will love you. That's the simple theory. Why should I love you? Why should I even think twice about you? Why should I give my heart to you?

The answer to these questions is, you should love me because I deserve to be loved, because I love you, more than anything, I love the mere thought of being with you for the rest of my life, the thought of spending every last minute with you - just because...

So just to go back through the last(previous) chapter of my life. I should have known that this was going to happen. I was trying so hard to keep things going and it was so hard for me. There was a total communication breakdown, and you know how when you know a person for a long time, you can kind of feel the love. Well I don't think that was there, you know, it wasn't like it was before. It could only be detectable to me, every other person, including himself would have never noticed. It was the slightest change. And me being the stupid optimist, being the all trusting, loving girlfriend was swallowing everything there was to swallow, crying every night because there was a change, and I felt it, but I refused to believe it.

And in the end, it shot me down.

I guess in the end, he just wasn't that into me anymore. And all the yeah, of course I love you, was kind of something that needed to be spoken out loud because neither of us actually believed it. And my justification is that there wasn't even an attempt to rectify the situation. I guess there just wasn't enough love, that perhaps he had given up on me you know. And there is nothing I can do about that. Your love for me is not something that I can produce - unfortunately.

And well, none of this really matters anymore.

I have moved on. There is nothing more. And I'm cool with that.

So what is my next step you ask?

Tons! Life is getting exciting! I can just feel good stuff coming up! I'm not one to plan the details of the life ahead of me. Just a general direction. And besides, as I said many many years ago, last minute decisions beats canceled plans - anytime!

So all's well that ends well. What do ya think?

Casted

2008-12-05T16:00:00.002+09:30

They plaster casted me today. A full cast. They took off my back slab, and first thing I said was, may I please please give it a good wash before you even come near. It was really gross, and that was only for a week.

This plaster cast will also only stay on for about a week so that the swelling can go down, and then a fibre glass cast will be put in for another few weeks.

It doesnt hurt that much, sometimes it just feels like it's going to explode, especially when it goes from it's elevated position into my standing position. The blood just rushes to the fracture, or whereever and hurts like mad.

Horrible throbbing in the mornings, and yeah, my foot too.

Anyways it's all good. I'm back at work, and we'll see what happens after that.

Broken Ankle

2008-12-01T12:54:00.002+09:30

Yup! I'm broken. Went skateboarding on the 27th November 2008. Obviously fell. My ankle went 90 degrees the wrong way. But it felt like just another basketball injury, you know must have twisted it or something. Besides I walked all the way back to the ute.

Anyways spent the night, with Panadol, ice and elevated foot. And the next morning, throbbing, but with panadol and a subsequent 10 mins, all is good. I went into the hospital just to make sure that that it wasnt broken.

I asked the doctor and nurse on duty and asked whether they thought it was broken and the answer was na, shouldnt be broken coz if it were, it would be unbearable pain, so much so that you wouldnt be able to walk on it.

But X-rays were done and lo and behold! Fracture!~

And so I asked the doctor, what is the difference between fracture and broken? He says "nothing" fracture is a scientific word for broken. Anyways 6-8 weeks of cast and crutches for me. I cant wait.

I've always wanted a cast, since I was a little kid. It always feels so special and people will sign it and you can sit and read it all day. Lovely.

Went to the refinery's first aid and Dr. Joe says that it's fine to go back into the refinery, just that I have to do a risk assessment.

And so me being me, I had to ask him, what is the difference between fracture and broken? He cracked up laughing and said "nothing". "I've been trying to argue that with people for 30 years. But there is no difference between fracture and broken of a bone. There's single fracture, and multiple fracture and fracture with displacement and fracture without displacement, but there is no difference between fracture and broken.

But he did tell me that what people in the non-scientific world percieve to be a fracture is that there is a crack in the bone that doesnt go all the way through to produce "two bits". And broken means it has become two bits. That's hilarious!

Anyways verdict is still to come on whether I will be sent home or not.

"b"

2008-11-20T15:03:00.003+09:30

Two years they said, two years and we would seperate. I never believed it, but he did. When I went to sleep at night, sometimes, the words would ring in my mind, "time will tell, you will leave me after two years."

It was like taking a bullet everytime the thought went through my mind. I love you with every fibre of my heart, how could I ever be the one to leave you? I couldnt believe it, I really didnt.

There were flaws, but I believed that he could overcome them, I thought that if I gave myself to him, that he would recognise it and give himself to me. I found out today, that he would never give himself to me, because he's a man, and men just dont sacrifice. They take and take and take and expect more.

Perhaps I didnt give enough, and of course, I have more to give, and yes, I was holding back. There's only so much I can handle you know. As much as I have this theory of suffering for my man, but my man just aint gettin it you know!

How hard is it to buy your girl chocolates? It's stupid and horrible, but I want chocolates! You cant just take and take and show no appreciation and take some more and have this idea that yeah, one day you're going to be nice.

I just dont think it's fair. I just wanted to be loved. I was in the relationship too.

Above all of this, above all the chocolates that I never got, all the hugs and kisses that I never got enough of. Above all of this, I wanted to be the mother of his children.

And I come home, and all of this is shattered. It's gone, it's never going to be the same.

I heard of dimples and roses since last December. And now I have to believe that they meant nothing to him. We spent 1 year together, and 1 year apart. He spent 1 year with me, and 1 year with someone else. And this I know.

And it sucks. It was not a one time thing, it was a 1 year thing and counting.

I am not the one for him, if I were, he would have bought me chocolates by now. And he wouldnt be calling another girl, "b".

2008-10-21T08:58:00.001+09:30

Part Of Your World

(Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.
I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad.)

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters
Proper women sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

Darwin-Gove-Sydney-Perth-Karratha Oct08

2008-10-10T12:15:00.002+09:30

On september 8, 2008, my grandma came to Malaysia, so I went to the airport to pick her up, just so happens I was flying to Singapore a few hours later. So I welcomed them to Malaysia, and they wished me farewell. My trip to Australia had begun.

I was supposed to be travelling with my boss Ra who was going to check in at KL Central. The tickets had been booked and all he had to do was wait in line and pay for the tickets and I could check in at the air port, and he would check in there and take a 45 minute train ride to KLIA.

So I waited and waited and waited. At first, I waited at the wrong check-in counter, coz rather than Tiger airways, I thought I was flying jetstar to singapore. Anyhow, I finally found the gate and they were just about to close, and my ticket had not been paid yet.

Finally, at the second, the payment went through and I had just enough time to rush to the gate and board my plane to Singapore.

My Singapore to Darwin flight was already booked and it was a connecting flight giving me a little less than an hour to get my bag, rush over to the low cost terminal and run onto the plane.

Another close call. Ra got stuck in Malaysia so missed the connecting flight from Singapore. So I was on my own. I sat in the plane and thought, what am I going to do, with barely any money, in a country that I have never been to, at midnight. The only thing I had with me was my courage, which was withering by the moment.

I arrived in Darwin, and there was no money for a hotel, only barely enough money for one cab ride. Recieved a message that I was supposed to stay at the Kaefer house. What the heck is a Kaefer house? What kind of house is that? The key is in the little box under the house...

I took the cab and he had his GPS, found the area and then tried to make his meter go by going, reversing, turning, reversing again. Come ON!!!! How far could No.8 be from No.10, and No.6? The answer is 5 dollars worth of turning, reversing, retracing the 100m again and again. Idoit!!! And then he asked me for 2 dollars extra! Which I didnt have so I didnt give him. AND he didnt have a receipt. Just got here and got screwed already.

Standing in front of gate No.8 a little past midnight I looked in, the surrounding area was total darkness. Trees everywhere, like woods trees not jungle trees. I went in and as I was walking through the driveway, I was thinking, is this the right house? What if it's someone else's house?

No one was supposed to be there, but I saw clothes hanging on the line. Was even more scarey because they were mens clothes. I turned the corner and saw a room with beds that were made up. The sliding glass door was already open. I wondered again, is this the right place? I stuck the key in the hole and it turned. There was only one key, so I figured, this must be it. I looked around for a bathroom, but there was none. The house was on stilts and I was at the bottom of the house. Upstairs was pitch black and I didnt have the guts to walk up the stairs and look for the bathroom.

I inspected the room, 3 single beds made up. One sliding door, curtains, air cond lights. I put down my stuff, turned on the air cond, closed the sliding glass door, and lay on the bed trying to sleep. I kept thinking, about the lights on or off, on or off. On means people would see me and know that I was there, and the glass door is totally not sturdy nor safe. Off would mean that people would not know that I was there and maybe they'd come to steal something on that notion, and rape me in the process or something bad like that.

So I made the decision, just turn off the lights, stop thinking and sleep, Ra would be here in the morning.

5am in the morning. I wake up, blurry eyed, I pulled the curtain, and I saw a family sitting at the table across the way. I quickly closed back the curtain hid and thought, shit, am I decent? Okay decent, I opened the door and went outside.

They stared at me as if I were a lost dog. So apparently, they were staying there too. And then I saw another car in the driveway, and I asked, hey do you have 2 cars? and they're like no, we only have one. And then it dawned on me that I had taken the only key and Ra had to sleep in the car.Oops.

So we did our medicals in Darwin, then moved into this beautiful hotel called Mantra something. Beautiful. I'd love to make up my house to be like that one day. There was a king sized bed which had a wooden sliding door. With the aircond blasting, it was bliss.

Ra and I had many drinks and were going to go out and have dinner at 10pm. And there was no food! All the kitchens had closed, room service had no food. Sheish. Come on people are hungry here!

Anyways after a few days in Darwin, we finally got to fly to Gove. At the airport there were bush fires, Ra, Buz and I walked all the way to where the fire was. It was amazing seeing a real live fire. The wind was blowing there was a huge cloud of smoke, when the wind blew, it just devoured the trees and dried up grass, like a huge wave overcoming the land.

In Gove I checked into my room in the G3 Village. It's like a whole bunch of containers which are made into rooms for one. There's a bed, fridge, Tv, bathroom and a desk all in. Every room is the same. It's pretty awesome, I had no idea that living in a container could be so comfortable. I had thought that I would be living in bunks with no aircond etc. But it's like a hotel room, they change your towels twice a week, they change your bed linens every week. Awesome.

At night all the guys would sit outside their room having a few beers, I'd just walk around, and everyone is so nice and friendly. They all say "How ya goin?" In which I never know what to say. I always say "Hey!" I hope I dont come off as being rude.

So I stayed in Gove for a month. I had a great time, and then suddenly, I was off to Karratha with but a few hours notice.

I flew from Gove to Cairns, then to Sydney, where I met St, Cl and Je. Next day flew from Sydney to Perth, Perth to Karratha. And here I am, in another village.

I had no idea that there were these kinds of places, it's like a town by itself in which everything is accounted for, everything that you could ever need is here. Food, laundry, accomodation, I think it's great, simple, all done for you, you dont have to think about house stuff, all you do is work and hang out. I wonder if I'll ever get bored...

So here I am...

Australia

2008-09-08T09:49:00.001+09:30

I'm leaving today! I'm going down under. Am I excited? YES.

Happiness!

2008-07-28T19:24:00.002+09:30

Relationships are hard! They are really HARD! You HAVE to put effort into it! You have to suffer and GIVE! You have to sacrifice the things that you want for the benefit of the relationship!!

There's no two ways about it!

You cant just claim your partner and then expect it to be happy! You cant just say that you want to be in a relationship, and want your partner to be happy and then do NOTHING!

You cant promise to be together and promise to be a couple and be in a relationship and then live your life ALONE!!

A relationship consists of TWO people! Both of which you have to take care of! You CANNOT be selfish! You CANNOT just hope and EXPECT things to magically turn out alright!!!

YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR IT! Just like everything else in life!

The sooner people FIGURE THAT OUT, the sooner they and their partner will be HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When

2008-07-08T14:46:00.000+09:30

When all this in our life is done and over with, when the frowns melt away and the smiles reappear, there will be nothing left.

A heart, numb in it's own pain will give a souless smile. It will stare into colored world and find the shades of all the hurt.

There will be nothing more.

2008-07-07T17:58:00.002+09:30

Love is... giving him the power to destroy you... but trusting him not to.

You know you're in love... when the hardest thing to say is... goodbye.

It hurts when you have someone in your heart... but... you can't have them in your arms.

Never break the heart that truly loves you.

Never hold her hand if you're gonna break her heart.

2008-07-07T17:03:00.001+09:30

She

She, she screams in silence,

A sullen riot penetrating

Through her mind,

Waiting for a sign to smash the silence

With the brick of self control,

Are you locked up in a world,

that's been planned out for you?

Are you feeling like a Social tool without a use?

Scream at me until my ears bleed,

im taking heed, just for you

She, she's figured out, all her doubts

Were someone else's point of view,

Waking up this time, to smash the silence

With the brick of self control.

Greenday

She

2008-05-14T11:29:00.002+09:30

You see her in your mother, in your grandma, in all your aunts, in the wives of your friends, on the park bench when you walk by. You see women uplifting their men, taking the best of care of their men. Giving everything to their men. They look so wonderfully happy, and you envy them.

Your only wish is to find a woman that will take care of you the way your mom takes care of your dad. You set your mind and heart to find a woman who will be your flower all the time. You find a girl and she is so selfish, she demands so much from you, and never seems to take care of you at all, and you feel you have to keep looking, for another girl, you have to keep looking for that one who will take care of you.

A wise man told a demanding husband, do you know why my wife treats me like I'm a king? Do you know why she takes care of me although I am sick and cannot do anything. It is not because I am lucky, it is not becuase she was born and bred like that. It's because when I could, I treated her like a queen.

So many men just expect their woman to be there for them. But they werent there, when he treated her like a queen, when he gave himself, everything, physically, emotionally, everything. You werent there when he gave her everything.

Nothing

2008-05-14T10:57:00.004+09:30

There's this little aching pain that has been there for about a week. I thought if I slept on it, I'd wake up in the morning and it'd be gone, just like all the other days. But I wake up and it's still there, I go through the day and get myself busy to take my mind off it, but it's still there. When I get home, that little annoying ache doesnt seem to want to dissolve away. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel as if any little thing will make me start bursting into tears.

About two days ago, I was driving, and an ambulance passed by and I almost started to break out into a hysterical wail. I'm a nutcase!

I know what it is. It's too much of nothing. Too much of not getting what I want, too much of not knowing where I am, and where I'm going. Too much of negligence from people I really want to care for me.

I'm searching for attention. Let's face it, I'm a people person, and with no people, I'm a nothing. Who am I going to smile with if I'm always alone? How am I going to give away my love? How am I going to express myself?

I am a funny girl, I laugh and make people laugh. Where is my laugh going to go now? I havent laughed for so long, I think it might have shriveled up, and dropped off. And trust me, that's NOT a good thing.

One weird incident awhile ago, my mom stared at me (weird) and she said, you know what, when you dont smile you look so evil, so angry, and deviant. Well, anyone who doesnt smile would look unhappy. There's just no good reason why a person cannot or does not smile.

Unless they are unhappy. Unless they are depressed! :O I think I might be depressed.

But who am I kidding. I know I cannot be with a man that does not make me laugh. I cannot be with a man in which I have not truely smiled for years. I am trying you know. I try so hard. But I get no good response. I mean why am I with someone who can do without me? I need someone to need me, so that I can give him what he needs, so that I can be there for him. That's what I want is for him to need me. But he doesnt need me, he doesnt need anyone. He's self sufficient. In every way, and I mean every.

There is nothing that I can give him that he doesnt already have, or that he cannot provide for himself. If there was anything, I'd so love to know.

Yummers!

2008-05-08T15:47:00.005+09:30

Went for a drink after work the other day with La2, I think I might know 3 La's now...anyway, we went to Sunway for a beer and then we went to this amazing Thai food place! I cant believe what I've been missing out on. It was really good, and really spicy! Everything was really spicy! And dessert!? I can't believe I've never had it before! There's these little jelly ballies and coconut milk stuff, and on the bottom is like Gula Malacca (I think it's kinda the equivalent of brown sugar). Yummers!

Anyway it was fun. I just found a new resturant to take my friends to! Thanks La2!

Terengganu For A Sec

2008-04-16T16:28:00.003+09:30

Yesterday I went to Terengganu. The first time I've been there. I went to Kerteh and Paka. They're actually really close to each other. It was a 5 hour drive there, and a 5 hour drive back. The site visit lasted and hour and a half. So I was there the whole day!

It was painful. Just sitting there in the car, with someone who you dont really click with. Horrible. The guy wasnt horrible, just the situation was horrible. If I went with someone that I was more comfortable with it would have been so much better. But then it wasn't for vacation, it was work so, iz kool.

So it was pretty much trees all the way there and then when I got there it was just another small town. There were some extra weird things like Keropok Lekor, which I didnt try. There was this one thing I had that I have never had before. I'm not sure whether it's specific to Terengganu, but I've never seen it before. It was okayla, the lychee taste covered most everything else, but it was different. No idea what it's called.

More later...

Cendol + Lotsa Fat!

2008-04-07T17:21:00.004+09:30

So I finally got my cendol, but it wasn't that great. I was disappointed. But oh well. I went to 2 pasar malams in the past week. I dont really like pasar malams coz it's so crowded and HOT! It makes me all hot and sweaty and gross! But I had 2 corns on the cob, and lots of fried chicken. It was very unhealthy! Aaaand, last week at a bbq(dont know how to spell it) my collegues did chicken butt! And usually I'd not even think about eating it, but I did!!! It was nasty, the thought was nasty, but I did try it and it tasted like fat. I felt it more than I tasted it, I swear I could feel myself getting fatter, and my arteries clogging.

Oh aaand...I went to eat this humungous(spelling really bad) cow leg at a malay resturant. I think they call it "gearbox" but I'm not really sure that's the real name of it. Basically, it's a huge bone with cartilidge and bits of meat in a soup. Yum yum, it's the first time I had it. Oh and plus they give you a straw and you have to suck the shit outta the middle of the bone. It's probably the bone marrow or something(looked and tasted like fat to me). Again....I could just feel myself getting fatter, again, arteries clogging...

Ice Kacang

2008-04-04T17:16:00.004+09:30

I had Ice Kacang today, I wasnt really in the mood for it, I actually wanted Cendol, but my friend ordered wrongly. Oh well, it was good anyway.

It actually didnt look like that when I got it, but I forgot to take a picture of it till half way through so that's what you get!

Oh yeah! AN's wedding is tomorrow. Everyone in highschool is getting married! Ol got married years ago, and even has 3 kids! Let's see, Gr is getting married in August, Fe got married. So did lots of my childhood friends. *sigh*

I dont really know why I'm sighing, maybe coz I'm not sure about my own situation. And I wish I did.

Unfair

2008-04-03T12:50:00.002+09:30

I've been ambushing everyone I meet with questions and queries about working on site. I tell everyone how it's so unfair that I am not allowed to work on site just because I'm female. I'm not a hardcore feminist, but I cant understand why I'm not allowed to?! I'm bigger and fatter and stronger than most the guys I see going for the jobs. I have the same if not more education in the same field as they. The only difference I can see is that I'm female!

I talk to clients, senior personnel, engineers, technicians, even the general workers about my situation, everyone knows how passionate I am about getting my hands dirty. I want to do it! This is what I want to do! I'm that kind of person!

Anyways I think alot of people say that they support the direction that I am going, but when it comes to the real deal, it scares the shit outta them, they know that the chances for it to work out for me is really slim, so they say alot of things about how ya, they should let me go, and sure there are other girls etc. But when it comes down to taking the first step in putting me in the field, they hesitate.

I really think it's alot of bullshit and just downright unfair.

Meds

2008-04-02T11:22:00.007+09:30

Those are my meds. I've been sick for so so long. The two in the white little plastic baggies are for phlemgn(however you spell it - it's that greenish yellow shit that gets stuck in your throat and doesnt come out, and in the end you tend to just swallow it - yucks!) and pain, lots of pain going on here.

Anyhow, I've had this snapping, crackling, knocking sound around my shoulder blades for years and years, and everytime I go to the doctor, they say it's coz I slept wrong, and that it'll go away, and they never give me anything for it.

But the doctor that I've been frequenting this past sick phase, has been a a real gem. I've been accumulating all these little symptoms like back aches, shoulder aches, joint pains, weird unsual things happening to me that just wont go away. They're not so bad to the extent of fainting or anything, but annoying pains.

So this doctor, who helped me heal my red eye, my flu, cough, etc gave me this glucoseamine sulphate. It's a supplement that old people take when their joints are worn out and there's no more lubrication left, so there's friction.

My mom takes them, they're for old people, and of course, sports people who have worn out their joints. It's so sad. I'm old and worn out. So hopefully this stuff will rejuvinate me...lol...the doctor has given me a months worth of glucoseamine sulphate supplements. My mom buys them for like RM1.50 per tablet. That's the other cool thing about it, my company pays for it and they dont even ask me about the money.

But if they did, I'd pay them. I need to feel better soon! One of the reasons I cant sit for long periods of time is becuase of this damn back/shoulder pain, so I can't wait till it goes away!

echez

It's Sick!

2008-03-19T13:37:00.000+09:30

Sick! I've been sick for like a month. It all started when I went wall climbing in late February. I was looking up at the rope and some shit fell into my eye. I dont know whether it was chalk, or rope debris, or maybe it was just my eyelash. Doesnt matter coz the next day, green shit kept coming out of my eye, made me see things all blur. As if life doesnt already do that to me! What a drag.

So I try to get rid of the shit, but it keeps coming back every 3 and a half seconds! After about an hour of constantly rubbing my eyes out. It turns red and I start involuntarily crying out of one eye!

I slept on it and the next day, my eye is still red, so I go to the doctor, and he gives me eye drops.

Love the eye drops. Day after that, my eye is better again! No more green shit coming outta my eye! My joy lasted about another hour before my other eye started turning red.

F*ck!

It takes another day to get rid of the red eye thing, which was then replaced by severe sore throat! Which lead to irritation which caused a coarse cough. I went to the doctor again, and he gave me all these pills to take etc.

Coughs never go away! After two weeks of profusely coughing, I get this horrible stomach pain, which, luckily lasted only 18 hours flopping over in my bed.

Last week I was finally relieved that all the viruses had gone away, and I'm finally back to my old self again, and this morning, I wake up and my nose is sniffy. And I feel a cough coming up.

Please not again! Leave me alone!

2008-03-10T16:53:00.003+09:30

~Red~Lemon~Grass~

Matters

Intimate of Souls

Are You Scared?

Emotions

Reflections and Projections

The One

Healing

Judgement

Orange Truck

From Audrey Hepburn by Barry Paris, 1996, Putnam

That's Right

Tainted Expections?

IT'S NOT OK!!

Pain vs Strength

Pain

Sometimes

The Choice For Nothing More

Strength

A Demand To Rule The World

Me me me me and Me!

Parents In Australia

Of All

Sure

Don't Cry

Andy Lau - You Are My Lady

Intrinsic

Indigo

If

Strength

I'm sorry

Ajar

Pythagoras

Induction

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Was

Ni Na Me Ai Ta

The Journey Begins

Because Of You

Correct Our Mistakes

Shopping?

Realization And Actuallization

Crash

Do You Miss Me?

When

There Is Nothing Here For You

I Love Her

To You

Togetherness

Inert

Forever Blue

0000

Billions

Dreams

Wilderness

There

We

Distance

I'm Sorry

~Ephesians 2:8-10~

A Voice That Smiles

GADDAMNIT

joyeux anniversaire

Where?

In And Out Of Love

Heaven!...or Not...

For Now and For Never

Do You Believe in Magic

116

Excerpts Of A Daily Life

Moonlit Verandah

The World of Hope

Saturday and Sunday

Over and Out

Casted

Broken Ankle

"b"

Darwin-Gove-Sydney-Perth-Karratha Oct08

Australia

Happiness!

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