Wednesday, January 30, 2008
We use to be in a relationship. I helped him out alot, in every way that I could. I always thought it would get better.
The way he'd always be out drinking, gambling, being a gangster. He loved that. After awhile it gets worse, after awhile all you have is fights and arguements.
I've always been a patient person when it comes to relationships. I give you whatever I think you might need, and I give you whatever you might want.
I also expect the same, I expect more.
All my friends ask me why I am so attracted to guys who are so destructive. Who are...assholes.
I dont know why.
I always keep on thinking that perhaps one day they'll be nice to me, perhaps one day they will tell me that I am beautiful.
Perhaps one day they will tell me that I am a princess, and lift me up from all this pain and prop me upon a cloud of cotton candy.
They're good people, I can see that they're good people. Maybe they just dont show it to me. Maybe they just dont realise how they're slowly killing me, with every minute of their being.
With every assumption they make, every tear they twist out of me.
When Jesus was suffering on the cross, He asked God to forgive the other men for their wrong doings. While He was being judged, suffering and in pain. He saw the good in those people.
I'm not Jesus, I'm not even a good person, but I can see good in people. Just as people can see that these men, are hurting me so much.
Maybe I'm supposed to be bleeding in pain before it becomes better. Maybe the bleeding will lead to death - who knows -
You are a fool to even begin to imagine that I would give a fuck about you, much less forgive you! 7years, 10 years, fuck a hundred years. Just fuck off!
When you did those things to me, those things that if I had a voice to speak then, I would have let them fucking kill you!
Damn mother fucking bastard son of a fucking bitch!!!
Fuck you! Fuck you! It is NOT wrong for me to say Fuck you!!!!! For all the fucking mess you put me through! That I will never be the fucking same fucking person! That I will never get a fucking good nights sleep for the rest of my fucking life!
Fuck you! Go to FUCKING HELL!
Take your drunkass mother fucking violent sonofabitch back to your dump of a house and live in your shit. DO NOT contact me! DO NOT Email me, DO NOT think of me, dont even think about thinking about me!
Fuck off and dont come back! Bastard !-
Monday, January 28, 2008
How r u? I know it is very wrong for me to contact u. I know I have done alot of wrong thing to you and you dont want to hear from me again but I have to tell you that I am sincerely sorry for the things that happened between us. Everyday I regret for the things that I have done to you, you never deserve such a treatment. You are a beautiful woman, your heart is more beautiful then your very pretty smile. You were always there for me, even in the times when I didnt have anything and even in the times that I treated you wrongly. I learned alot from you although our age is so different.I hope that one day that you will forgive me, I am not mad at you for leaving. At that time I am very angry, but I dont realise that you mean everything to me.Even after so many years we did not contact.I can still think of our memories that we had together in the past. Try to remember the happy things we have together, I know that you also can remember we was very happy together. echez, can you please forgive me?
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
I did alot of thinking about trust. You never know about another person, you will never know. People are naturally secretive. Sometimes people have whole second families. I have personally watched my long time friends go thru this. I dont agree with it at all, I wont judge them, but it scares the shites out of me when it comes to my own relationship.
The trustworthiest of people sometimes are the very ones that indulge in this.
I am very concerned about other women, I am scared that I may not be good enough, that I might be so annoying sometimes that one may have to go out looking for a way out - someone
else. To flirt with, to mess around with, just for then, if they turn out better, then it's 'be gone' to me.
I put alot into my relationships. Perhaps it's too much sometimes. I give up everything that I have and that I ever wanted, for something above that. Something that's supposed to last forever.
I realise that my insecurity has something to do with myself, and my ability to trust another person, yet on the other hand, they say that a person has to earn another's trust. Many a time I have felt that another person doesn't trust me, not becuase they are bad people and they should trust me but dont, but becuase I have not earned their trust. Because at one point or another, I have shattered the trust, and it has to be built up again.
Why when it comes to me trusting other people, it's always that I just have to trust more.
There's something wrong with me, I'm not trusting enough. How come when it's my turn to trust, there's no building involved. It's like just trust me or f*ck off.
I guess the point of the matter is that I believe that it's true, trust has to be earned. And when you mess up, you just have to expect that the trust that was given to you once, has to be rebuilt.
There's really not much point in talking about it really...trust is a feeling that's just there. You either feel great and trusting, or you feel like shit and insecure.
I guess I'm a little distraught about the fact that some people want to share their life with
another person, yet, keep themselves closed. They dont share. They just want you to share.
You give so much and they just sit there, absorbing, sucking up your inspiration, your optimism, your youth. And in return, you get neglectance, total disregard sometimes, of even your very presence.
Sometimes I cant understand why two people who are supposed to be sharing their lives
together, cant mention or talk about other friends, or anything else in their lives. If there is nothing to hide, why hide? I dont want to pry into details and secrets, but I dont want regular things to be hidden from me, if they are, as said - regular.
There are so many things I want to say, so many things that I am now so afraid of. There are so many questions that I want to ask but am afraid. I have so many doubts that I am just going to sweep under the rug. I am going to pretend to trust even if the trust level is at the bottom line. Perhaps if I pretend, one day I'll really believe it.
If a person really loves another person, I believe that they'll understand the hurt caused by them, and if they truely truely love a person,they will know, they'll feel it. There's nothing left, but me telling myself that I should go on, despite that every cell in the mind, body and soul says no.
I need more security. I guess it's the little things that makes things real. If you love me, show it. Dont say it, and then just leave it as that. There are things that women need. Like attention, care - care meaning care about little things just as much as big things.
I think men dont understand that. Once they got the girl, they stray away, and expect the lady to just be there and take all of the neglectance, they give up their lifestyle to suit their man, yet it's never appreciated.
Alot of women would argue with me over giving up their lifestyle for a man. It's a feminist thing, about how women shouldnt have to give up who they are, just for a man.
For me, it's not about giving up something, it's about giving. That's it, giving. I will give everything to my man, but I need him to realise that I am, and appreciate that, from the bottom of his heart.
I need him to embrace it, and not take advantage of it.
She use to have a place to drive to, the road just seemed shake loose the horrible pain. As she'd reached a familiar face, she'd have driven it away.
Many thoughts, many many thoughts. For hours she thought, of all the things that she didnt want. Of all the things that she didnt really care about anymore.
So easy it would be, just to leave it all behind - how selfish, yet how relieving.
It was her, her fault, that so many people were so hurt today. So many days.
Oh how easy it would have been - How selfish.
She doesnt know where she's going now, she cant see in front of her. The fog is thickening around her, it's hard to breath. It's hard to bear.
She's breaking down, it's a disaster. Everything around her is pulling her down,grabbing at her and she can't breath.
She stops, this is it, this is the place. It's been but a few months since she'd left this place, didnt realise she'd come back, looking for the peace it gave.
Staring in to the cloudy night sky, where not one but two souls use to stand. She wipes away another tear, and tries for a deeper breath.
Being far, being alone in her already lonely world, it was unreasonable, but there was so much reason in it. So much hope.
Staring into the nothingness - she realised - it doesnt really matter - nothing does.